You Had Me At Um
by Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
Summary: Spencer Carlin is a director who's production company is tasked with producing a new singer, Ashley Davies, first music video. The women are instantly intrigued by each other, but you and I both know that the path of true love never runs smoothly
1. So It Begins

**So usual disclaimer, I do not own the SoN characters**

**Here is another fic I started over Christmas and New Year, hope you like it.**

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**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter One – So It Begins**

Spencer's POV

I straightened my black silk shirt for the umpteenth time and ran a hand through my long blond hair before getting out of my midnight blue Jeep and walking hurriedly towards the building that housed Marks Records. All the while trying to focus on the sound of my high heels on the concrete to help me fight the urge to vomit from the nerves I was feeling. My name is Spencer Carlin.

"Hey Carlin, you wanna wait for me? We are like ten minutes early so just chill would ya?" Eva Reynolds called after me, Eva is my business partner and best friend, as she jogged to catch up with me. I paused to let the shorter blonde catch up and flashed her a glowing, but terrified smile.

"Sorry Evie, I guess I just want this to go well. We get so much work from the artists that are produced by Marks Records that I don't want to blow this meeting. I hear the CEO is a huge fan of the artist they want us to make this latest video for, apparently he was friends with her Dad or something so if we screw up her debut video we will never work in music videos again and then you can kiss goodbye to like seventy percent of our companies income," I rambled in an extremely anxious tone.

Eva chucked to herself and shook her head, sending her shoulder length, ash blonde hair flying around her face, "Carlin you worry too much! This meeting is going to go great. You always get so nervous before these things then you go in there and they all fall instantly in love with you and, of course, me. You and I are so freaking amazing that we will single handedly make this singer chick loved all over the world, such is the power of our music videos."

I threw back my head and laughed. Eva was always able to make me feel better and was one of the few people who could calm me down when I was so nervous, it was true that I could be rather high strung at times. I had met Eva during our first ever college class and we had been best friend ever since, so almost nine years now. It was safe to say Eva was used to having to calm me down, "Ok Evie, let's go dazzle them with our brilliance!" I said with more confidence than I was feeling.

"That's the spirit Carlin!" Eva looped her arm through mine and led me into the imposing building.

Eva and I owned a production company, called Worlds Away Productions, that specialized in making music videos and commercials, the proceeds from which were used to produce our real passion, which was documentaries and indie films. I was particularly known for writing and directing films and documentaries portraying gay and lesbian people in real and meaningful ways. I was considered the creative talent, while Eva was better with the business side of things and was a master in the edit bay. We complimented each other well.

We had done a lot of work with Marks Records in the past, which was why I was so anxious for this meeting to go well. It had to, or we could kiss goodbye to a lot of our income.

Once we had checked in with reception we were ushered along the halls to the large conference room in which we were scheduled to meet Ethan Marks Jr, who was the producer working with the artist we were being tasked to make a video for. The artist herself would be joining us a little later.

Once inside we settled ourselves in the plush leather chairs and waited for Ethan to join us. Ethan had become a good friend of both Eva and I and we all worked well together. Ethan worked hard, he felt the need to prove himself seeing as his father, Ethan Snr, was the president of the label and he coped a lot of slack from people who assumed he only got where he was because of his father.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Ethan had started at the bottom as a gopher and had worked his way up through the ranks to the position he now held. If I'm honest I admired him a lot and was looking forward to working with him again.

I was reading through my notes and ideas for the meeting when the door flew open and Ethan came striding in. With his boyish good looks and great dress sense Ethan was definitely sort after, a fact he seemed oblivious to. He was cool and confidant when it came to work but shy and uncomfortable when it came to meeting girls.

I got to my feet and let Ethan pull me into a warm hug. He was a little too obvious about the crush he had on me. His unrequited infatuation was rather humorous given the fact that I was a well-known lesbian and publicly out. My sexuality was not something I ever felt the need to hide.

"Hey Spence, Hey Eva! I'm so glad you guys are here, this artist is really something special, not the usual crap you get from the kid of a rock star," Ethan rambled excitedly as he gave Eva a quick hug, much less enthusiastic than the hug I had received, and took a seat a the table.

I resumed my seat and flashed Ethan a blinding smile, "Kid of a Rock Star huh? Which one? And while we're at it what's the artist name? Ethan this is a bad start you hire us for a job and don't even give us the artist name, tsk tsk!" I teased.

Ethan blushed like a schoolboy and replied, "Well her father was Raife Davies, the front man from Purple Venom and her names is Ashley. She has a pretty fresh, kind of alternative sound. You got the CD of the single right?"

"Yeah Ethan we did, at about 9pm last night! We jotted down a few ideas and concepts but really want to meet with Ashley before we go further. This is her debut so we want her to have a lot of input into it." Eva explained with a slight smirk.

"Yeah exactly, seeing as its her debut we want to make sure the image we portray in her video is true to her as an artist. If you fuck up the debut then it can be tricky to move past that," I elaborated dryly.

"Well that would be why we hired the best," Ethan said with a grin, causing me to roll my eyes.

"Ethan, flattery will get you nowhere. So do you have any idea what your artist wants for her video?" I asked as I slipped on my black-framed glasses and pulled out a pen.

Just then the door to the conference room opened and in walked a petite brunette with luscious curls that fell just past her shoulders. She had a cheeky smirk on her lips and her soulful chocolate brown eyes were twinkling with excitement. She was dressed in dark blue skinny jeans and a black waistcoat that showed off the black and champagne coloured bra she was wearing underneath.

I couldn't help but drink in the sight of this gorgeous woman who I was desperately hoping was Ashley. I looked up and their eyes met, blue crashing into brown. Neither of us could seem to look away. This woman was stunning.

Ethan got to his feet and stepped towards the new arrival, "Well Spence why don't we ask Ashley herself. Ashley Davies this is Eva Reynolds," Eva and Ashley shook hands, "And this is Spence…"

Ashley cut him off as I got to my feet and slid off my glasses, "This is Spencer Carlin. It's a pleasure to meet you Spencer, I'm a big fan of your work," Ashley said with a nose-crinkling smile.

I grinned and took the other woman's offered hand, enjoying the warmth and tingles that Ashley's touch made me feel. "Um…um…uh…well," Eva subtly elbowed me in the ribs to snap me out of my stupor. I blushed pretty spectacularly and said, "It's a pleasure to meet you too Ashley, you've seen some of our other music videos I take it?"

Third Party POV

Ashley smirked, it was kind of thrilling to see one of the women she really admired getting a bit flustered by her, "Yeah I have but that's not why I'm such a fan of yours. I am actually a huge fan of your documentaries and films. I especially loved the film you did, Love In The Minority, it was so powerful."

That film had been about growing up in small town USA as a lesbian. It was pretty autobiographical. Spencer had written, directed, acted in and produced that film herself. It was probably the one of her pieces of work that she was most proud of. She was actually really surprised that Ashley had seen it, very few people outside of the gay and lesbian community had seen that film.

"Wow thank you Ashley, that means a lot. That film has always been pretty special to me," Spencer smiled warmly and took her seat, missing the smirk Eva was throwing her way. Eva was predicting a hook up, and she thought it was about time Spencer got some. Spencer had been single for almost a year now.

"Well Ash we were just starting to talk about the video, you know throw some ideas around. Have you had any thoughts on the way you'd like the video to go?" Ethan asked bringing the singer and director back to the reason they were there.

Ashley leaned back in the chair she'd just sat in and looked thoughtful, "Yeah I have, um I really liked the videos you guys did for Anberlin's new single and the ones you did for Jack's Mannequin's last album, coz you did all the videos for that album didn't you? And the making of DVD if memory serves?"

Spencer smiled modestly, "Thanks and yeah we did all the videos for Jack's Mannequin's latest album and the DVD. Andrew and the guys were brilliant to work with. So you want something like what we did for them and for Anberlin? I mean the Anberlin video was really a mini movie, as was a few of the Jack's Mannequin ones. We could do that, come up with a story that fits the song and then do the video as a mini movie with you acting in the story and/or performing the song."

Spencer slid her glasses back on and began jotting down notes quickly, once she started coming up with ideas they would come hard and fast so she knew she had to get them down. Eva looked on amused while Ashley just looked impressed.

"Spencer, that sounds awesome actually. I love the idea of their being a proper story in the video as opposed to just me singing on a stage or in some random location like so many videos. And thank you for not suggesting that I get into some tiny outfit and shake my ass!" Ashley smirked.

Spencer laughed and paused in her note taking, "No problem Ashley, you didn't strike me as the shake your ass like a Pussy Cat Doll type." Everyone laughed and Ethan got up and grabbed a portable CD player.

"How about we listen to the single again and try and come up with some idea for the video?" He suggested.

"Good idea, do you also have a written copy of the lyrics I could have, it helps to have the words in front of me while I'm trying to decipher a story in the song," Spencer asked.

Ashley opened her bag and pulled out a copy of the lyrics and stood up to pass them over. As Spencer took the pages in her hand her fingers brushed Ashley's and both women felt a slight jolt go through them. Neither woman had felt anything like it before and neither knew exactly what to make of it.

Spencer smiled shyly and looked down at the lyrics in her hands, giving them her full attention and a thorough read while the others waited patiently, Eva with a few good natured eye rolls. Spencer fell instantly in love with the words on the page as her eyes drank them in.

_Common Ground – Music and Lyrics by Ashley Davies_

_If I give up on us_

_Then I give up on me_

_In the search for what's true_

_Can we ever just be_

_Even love itself_

_Can't disguise my fear_

_But that shouldn't hold me back_

_Wish it didn't keep me from here_

_Show me, by holding out your hand_

_You can leave me or take me as I am_

_We live our lives on different sides_

_Always struggling to find our common ground_

_Can we keep together you and I _

_I can feel my blood_

_Flowing through my veins_

_When I see your hurt_

_Making me insane_

_Each and every moment_

_Every minute of the day_

_For all the solitary nights_

_That I weep and pray_

_Show me, by holding out your hand_

_You can leave me or take me as I am_

_We live our lives on different sides_

_Always struggling to find our common ground_

_Can we keep together you and I_

_Can we keep together you and I _

_Are we gonna live our lives_

_On these different sides_

_Always fighting for more_

_Or can we find our common ground_

_Show me, by holding out your hand_

_You can leave me or take me as I am_

_Always struggling to find our common ground_

_Can we find our common ground. _

Spencer finished reading the lyrics and nodded at Eva with a subtle smile on her lips. Eva knew that smile meant that Spencer had an idea brewing.

"Ok Ethan hit play," Eva said. Ethan hit play and the opening cords of the song flowed out of the speakers. Spencer closed her eyes to let the music take her over. Ashley watched Spencer curiously, she would never admit it but the blonde woman's opinion of her music really mattered to her, which was odd seeing as they had just met. Ashley tried to convince herself it was because Spencer was someone whose work she admired so she wanted her songs to impact Spencer the same way Spencer's films and videos had impacted her.

Spencer remembered the first time she had listened to the song that was playing. The melody had enchanted her and made emotions swell up inside her, it had been an intense experience. By right then in that conference room with the artist herself looking on, Spencer really focused on the lyrics.

They were beautiful and heartfelt and really spoke to Spencer in a way that few songs had the power to do. Ashley voice was rich, husky and full of emotion. Spencer had an instinct about these things and she was certain that they had a hit on their hands.

Everyone stayed respectfully silent as the song played, with Spencer keeping her eyes closed the entire time and Ashley unable to tear her eyes away from the blue eyed blonde, which was noted by Eva with pleasure and Ethan with concern.

As the last note played Spencer opened her eyes and fixed them on Ashley who was waiting on bated breath to hear the director's reaction to her music. It was almost alarming to Ashley how much this woman's opinion mattered to her. Ashley nervously bit her lower lip and waited to hear what Spencer had to say.

Spencer began to smile, her grin spreading slowly across her face and reaching up to make her eyes twinkle, "Ashley that song is amazing. The lyrics are beautiful and so real. The song has real emotion behind it so it should be easy to pull a story together from the song. I am really looking forward to working on this music video with you."

Ashley positively beamed at Spencer's words, her nose crinkling in the most adorable way. "You have no idea what that means to me," Ashley cringed at how dorky and clichéd her words sounded, "Um I mean I'm looking forward to working with you on this video too."

"Great well, why don't Spencer and I hit the drawing board tonight and meet with you both again tomorrow to go over concepts and ideas so we can get the ball rolling?" Eva suggested. She so wanted to get Spencer alone so she could start grilling her about the sparks she had seen flying between Spencer and Ashley.

Ethan grinned, "Sounds good to me, does 11 tomorrow morning work for everyone?"

Everyone nodded but Spencer who was glancing down at her blackberry, "Sorry guys but I have to meet a client at our office at 10 so there is no way I can get here for 11, unless you and Ashley don't mind coming down to our offices for the meeting?" Spencer suggested.

Ethan glanced over at Ashley who nodded her agreement, "No worries Spence we'll come to you."

Ashley was secretly bursting with excitement inside, she was intrigued by Spencer and thought that seeing the place where she did most of her creating would give her some insight into the woman in front of her.

"Thanks so much, I guess we'll see you at 11 tomorrow then," Spencer rose to her feet and placed her belongings back into her bag. Eva stood next to her and they walked around the table to say their goodbyes.

Spencer's POV

Ethan immediately grabbed me and pulled me into a hug that was a tad too intimate for the workplace. I wriggled free as quickly as I could without seeming rude. I really didn't get how Ethan could think he had a chance with me when I was so open and public about my sexuality. Eva was pulled into a much more appropriate hug as I stepped closer to Ashley.

"Well it was a real pleasure meeting you Ashley," I smiled warmly as I took the shorter woman's hand in mine.

"You too Spencer, it was a pleasure and an honour. I'll see you tomorrow." Ashley murmured with a grin. Our handshake was going on a bit longer than was necessary but neither of us seemed to mind, I know I didn't.

"Right ready to go Spence?" Eva said with a smirk. I gave Ashley's hand a quick squeeze and let it go reluctantly.

"Yeah let's head out, see you both in the morning," I smiled and led the way out of the conference room with Eva hot on my heels. As soon as we were in my Jeep Eva turned to face me and began with the inquisition.

"So what was that with you and Ashley?" She asked with a raised eyebrow.

I looked innocently over at my friend and said, "What are you talking about Evie?"

"What am I talking about? Are you serious Spence? There was enough sexual tension between the two of you to power the whole of downtown L.A.!" Eva exclaimed incredulously.

"You have no idea what you're talking about Evie! Firstly I'm not looking to meet anyone, secondly I do not date people I am working with and thirdly Ashley is probably straight," I said as I reversed out of the car parking space.

"And that Carlin is what we like to call denial. To counter your rather stupid three tiered argument, firstly you so need to meet someone before you become a virgin again, seriously I'm scared for your health if you don't get some soon! Secondly just because the last chick you dated, who granted turned out to be the biggest, craziest whore ever, was someone you were working with doesn't mean you shouldn't let yourself be open to the possibility of meeting someone else through work and thirdly if you think Ashley is straight then you need to get your gaydar checked because that girl was checking you out the entire time we were in there. Oh and did I mention the fact that you two were totally flirting with each other the whole time?" Eva declared with a self-satisfied nod.

I rolled her eyes, "Fuck did you breathe once during that little rant of yours?" Eva just stuck out her tongue, "Mature Reynolds, really mature. Look we have to work with Ashley so can we please just drop this little theory of yours?"

"Ok Spencer I'll drop it when you admit that you think the girl is hot," Eva said with a smirk.

I groaned in frustration and shook my head knowing full well that Eva was not going to let this drop until I answered, "Fine! Oh course she's hot, anyone with eyes could tell you that Evie. You happy now? I admitted it, Ashley Davies is hot."

Eva just grinned and nodded. I had a feeling that the next few weeks while we were working with Ashley were going to be rather interesting to say the least.

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**Song used in this Chapter:**

**Common Ground written by me (sorry it might suck a lot)**


	2. Hell Of A Day

**Thank you so much for your wonderful reviews on Chapter 1.**

**sonfan92, prissy020304, mutt009 and nightwish fan – Thanks so much!**

**MrsMusgraveTNG – Aw thanks Rock Star! I thought it was time to have our girls meet in a new way**

**drummergirl244 – Thanks heaps! So glad you liked the song, I so do not see song writing as a skill of mine**

**WillowOn3 – A roll? Not sure about that, I was rather inspired over my chirstmas break though. So glad your free to be chained to your computer lol, sorry to entice, if you want to know more you can ask…no promises that I'll tell you lol**

**mischevious1 – Thanks so much! That is so sweet. I'd love to hear what you think about my other stories**

**LoveAsh87 – Thanks, I like these versions of our girls too, something a little different from my other stories (well I hope so!)**

**DarceLynn – Hope you surived the wait til I posted chapter 2 lol, has it been too long? Have you had to concoct a punishment for me?!**

**uluvme – Thank you. Yep working together on a music video…we'll see how that pans out, knowing me there will be drama!**

**slushy – Thanks. The song was inspired by a song by The Calling**

**... – Aw thanks! I am a fan of MGMK's work so it is an honour to be considered a favourite along side them. **

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Two – Hell Of A Day**

Ashley's POV

I stepped out of my sleek black Porsche and looked up at the building that housed Spencer and Eva's production company. There was an eye catching, yet elegant sign over the door that read Worlds Away Productions in funky black script.

The building was inviting with huge windows along the front allowing passers by to see into the large reception area. I stepped through the front doors and smiled at Ethan who was already seated on one of the plush leather sofas in the reception area. Ethan was a good guy, a bit of a doofus outside of the confines of work, but a good guy none the less.

I glanced around the room, drinking it all in. I'm not totally sure how I knew it, but I was certain that Spencer had decorated the reception area. It had a warmth to it that was only rivaled by the woman herself. I stepped closer to the wall behind Ethan, which housed photos and posters from the company's various productions.

I was studying the poster from my favourite of Spencer's films when Eva came out with an apologetic smile on her face. "Hey Ethan, Hi Ashley. I'm so sorry we kept you waiting, Spencer only just got done with her last client so she will join us in a moment. If you guys would like to follow me, we'll head back to the meeting room so we can get this underway."

Ethan and I assured Eva that it was no problem and followed the short blonde out of the reception area. As we were walking down the hall a door opened and out came Spencer giggling with a gorgeous raven haired beauty following her. Spencer grinned warmly at us and I was sure I felt her eyes linger on me for a fraction longer than the others before she said, "Hey there, I'll be right with you guys," and continued to walk out the other woman.

I felt the oddest stirring of jealousy at the sight of Spencer interacting with this other woman, which was ridiculous given that I'd met Spencer less than twenty-four hours earlier. I really had to fight the urge to shove the black haired woman away when I saw her place a hand on Spencer's back as they walked together towards the door.

"Ashley you coming?" Ethan called over his shoulders, stirring me from my thoughts, which I so did not have the luxury to entertain.

"Yeah sure, sorry," I muttered as I followed Eva and Ethan into a small conference room. I took a seat and tried to stop my eyes from locking on the door and waiting for Spencer to come in.

A minute later Spencer came breezing into the room with a blinding smile. I couldn't help but take in the gorgeous sight of the other woman, she was so beautiful. Spencer was wearing a tailored tan skirt that fell to just above her knees with a jade green spaghetti strapped top. Her long, sun-streaked blonde hair was left out to flow freely over her tanned shoulders and she wore minimal make-up. Spencer was one of those women who was a genuine natural beauty.

I have to admit that I was a little overwhelmed by my feeling towards the blonde, it was something that had never happened to me before and it was throwing me for a loop. I kept trying to tell myself that I only felt the way I did because I admired Spencer's work so much. I have to say I really wasn't doing a great job of convincing myself.

Spencer's POV

I took a seat next to Eva, directly across from Ashley. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I had been thinking of the gorgeous brunette since our meeting the day before. I was very intrigued by the other woman, it was intense and not something I'd experienced so quickly before.

I slipped on my glasses and pulled out my notebook, "Ok so let's jump right into this. Last night we put together some ideas and concepts which Eva has for you," I paused as Eva slid two folders containing our ideas for the music video across the table to Ethan and Ashley, "If you guys want to have a look I'll leave you to go through them while I'll go grab us some coffees and Eva will go get the DVD of the music videos we've done in the past."

Ethan and Ashley thanked me and put in their coffee orders. I disappeared to get them their coffees, which was mostly to give them time to go over the folders without me watching them. I was really anxious to hear what Ashley thought of the ideas I had come up with. Eva's suggestions had not made it into the folders we had given to Ethan and Ashley. Her suggestions tended to feature Ashley and I acting out sex scenes from various movies (the Wild Things scene in the pool, oh yeah you know the one, seemed to get a lot of mentions) as Ashley's song played. I had deemed them to be a little bit too inappropriate, much to Eva's disappointment.

I had put so much thought into the ideas we put into the folders for Ethan and Ashley. I wanted Ashley to get an idea of what I was about and I wanted her to know that I got the song, that I understood the emotion behind it. I wanted the ideas I had come up with to fit to her unique style and image and I wanted them to be true to the emotions in the song and to her as an artist.

Ashley and Ethan had finished reading through the folders and Eva had returned with the DVDs by the time I strode back in with their coffees in my hands. I grinned at them as I passed out the coffees. "Ok so what did you guys think? Any ideas in those folders take your fancy?" Eva asked as she took her coffee from me.

Ethan looked at Ashley, "It's your video Baby so this is your show."

"Well I really liked the idea about the two lovers existing in different worlds and struggling to find commonalities. I like the idea of one of them wanting more while the other is afraid. The idea in folder talks about seeing the two lovers in different locations and showing that even in the same places they are in different worlds, like one of them being a musician so kind of artsy and the other being a business person." Ashley said excitedly.

I beamed, that was the idea I had liked the most too, "Great that one we can definitely work with. Ok so Ashley do you want to play one of the lovers or do you want actors for both roles. I was thinking we could get you to play the musician and have you singing the words of the song to the other person like you were having a conversation but I was thinking that it could be like you're talking to them and they are so stuck in their own world that they aren't hearing you. What do you think?"

I waited while Ashley thought about it for a second, a second that made my heart race and my mouth go dry as the nerves threatened to over take me, "I love it, I think that sounds perfect and I think I'll enjoy doing a bit of acting." Ashley finally said, making me grin happily.

Over the next hour or so we discussed the video in greater detail, going over possible locations and how the video should progress. The conversation started out between all four of us but eventually ended up being mostly Ashley and myself, with Ethan looking bored and left out and Eva grinning knowingly at me when Ashley and Ethan weren't looking.

Just before the meeting ended it occurred to me that I had forgotten to ask a rather important question, "Oh just one more thing, we have been gender neutral so far in our discussions about the other character in the video so do we want a man or a woman to play Ashley's lover?"

Ashley went to answer only to be cut off by Ethan, "Well a man obviously, right Ash? Seeing as Ashley is straight it wouldn't make sense to have her lover played by a woman now would it."

"Ok, sorry Ashley I didn't mean to assume anything," I said quickly, looking down at my notes to try and hide my blush. I guess Eva was wrong, Ashley was straight. I was surprised at how much that revelation upset me. I had known the woman for less than twenty-four hours and for some reason I almost felt betrayed that she wasn't gay.

Ashley looked between Ethan and I with a strange expression on her face, I guessed she was just worried that Ethan's comments had insulted me or something. I noticed Eva looking at me with sympathy so I shot her a slight shrug, getting me a brief grin in return.

The meeting ended not long afterwards, with awkwardness being the key theme of the rest of the discussion. As we got up to show them out I noticed Ashley watching me with the oddest of expressions, I guess she was worried that me the crazy lesbian was going to hit on her or something. It was not my habit to hit on straight women, no matter how gorgeous they were or how instantly I felt a connection to them.

"Ok so me and Eva will work on getting a script and some story boards together by the end of the week and get them over to you guys to go over. If you have any questions or idea please give one of us a call," I said as I led them into the reception area.

"That's great, thanks you Spence," Ethan said, dropping a kiss on my cheek dangerously close to the corner of my mouth. Eww, last time I had kissed a guy I was fifteen and he had ended up having to ice his balls for like four hours following my response to his kiss. I was so not going there again.

I caught Eva stifling a giggle at my obvious discomfort and shot her a glare, making her roll her eyes at me. I turned to Ashley and said, "Thanks for coming in and we'll be in touch. I'll see you guys later." I turned and walked over to the reception desk to answer the ringing phone, thanking God for my out from the awkwardness that had sprung up between Ashley and I.

"Hello, Worlds Away Productions, this is Spencer speaking," I answered the phone.

"_Hey there sexy, it's been a while," _said an all too familiar voice which made my stomach churn.

"Clearly not long enough. What the hell are you doing calling me Toni? I thought I made it very clear that not only are you to stay the fuck away from me, but you are especially not to ever contact me at work!" I snapped down the phone line.

"_Spence, don't be like that kitten. I miss you and I want to talk about us. Hurting you was the stupidest thing I have ever done and I would give anything to get a chance to make it all up to you," _Toni said seductively.

I rolled my eyes, same old shit, "Toni it's been a year and we've been over this. I want nothing more to do with you, not now not ever. Yeah you hurt me, but all that did was show me what kind of person you really are. All this time and not a word Toni so why the fuck are you calling me now?"

"_I have just been thinking about you is all,"_ She said, not very sincerely.

Then it hit me, I knew why she was calling, "Oh let me guess, you haven't booked any acting gigs in a while and you're hoping I'll have a production on the go that you can get some work in? Am I right?"

I was waiting for her to respond when the phone was torn from my hand and Eva practically shouted down the line, "Toni, this is Eva. You fucked up when you hurt my friend and now we want nothing to do with you. You will never work on one of our productions again and if I have my way you will never work anywhere again. Now fuck off and leave Spencer alone, haven't you hurt her enough?!" With that Eva slammed the phone down.

I was about to thank her when I realized that Ethan and Ashley were still in the room both looking anywhere but at me. I blushed and shook my head, way to be professional. "Oh I am so sorry you guys had to see that, that was so unprofessional of me! I am so very sorry."

Ethan came forward and wrapped an arm around my shoulder, "it's ok Spencer, you and I are friends before we are business associates. Are you ok?"

I nodded and glanced at Ashley who was giving me the strangest of looks, I really couldn't decipher it. "I'm sorry Ashley," I said softly.

She gave me a ghost of a smile and said, "It's ok, it wasn't your fault. Um I'd better go so I'll talk to you soon." Ashley smiled once again and walked out of the building. Ethan said a hurried good bye and headed out after her.

I sat down on the sofa in the reception area and looked up at Eva, "Well this has certainly been on hell of a day huh Evie?"

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**Hmm so what do you guys think?**


	3. On A Night Out

**Wow, thanks for the awesome reviews!**

**Galmil - Thank you! Yeah Ethan is not popular, as for Ashley's reaction eventually it will make sense**

**uluvme - lol yeah I like Eva's idea too! Fighting optional lol. Oh you like the glasses huh? Actually Spencer's glasses are based on my glasses, but I think they'd look better on her.**

**LoveAsh87 - Ethan is not loved by you guys! Thanks for another great review**

**MrsMusgraveTNG - hmm a week til someone's got the other lying on her desk…I do know what you mean and I'm enjoying picturing it in my head lol**

**mutt009 - Well do you think Ashley will speak up? Coz my lips are sealed lol. Clearly people aren't loving Ethan oh and Toni will be reappearing. Thanks for the review**

**WillowOn3 - Oh yeah massive sexual tension! Hooked? That's a good thing lol. Twisting my arm huh? Well then I'd better give you a little something…the next chapter will involve a club**

**DarceLynn - Yay no punishment! Yeah Ethan the mood killer lol**

**nightwish fan, slushy, mischevious1, grangergirl22, FuckinDream and .HEART - thank you for your reviews.**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Three – On A Night Out**

Spencer's POV

I had been working really hard on the script and storyboards for Ashley's video. I wanted her debut video to be a success for her, her talent deserved that. Since the awkwardness that developed during our last meeting we had only spoke on the phone a handful of times, the rest of the time my dealings had been with Ethan. As good a producer as he was, Ethan had no freaking idea when it came to making a good music video so I tended to ignore all his suggestions.

I glanced up from my desk and saw Eva leaning against my doorframe. She walked in and placed a cup of coffee on the desk in front of me before taking a seat in one of the chairs facing my desk. "So do you want to talk about it?" She asked with a gentle smile.

I sighed and rubbed my eyes, "I don't know what there is to say Evie. It's silly really."

"Spencer if it's making you feel bad then it is definitely not silly. Come on Babe, tell me what's going on in that gorgeous head of yours," Eva said with a smirk.

I rolled my eyes and dropped my pen on the desk, "Well…it's Ashley Davies."

"I thought as much, what about her?"

"I can't stop thinking about her Evie. It's ridiculous, I know she's straight and she has been acting all weird with me since Ethan told us that. I could have sworn that she was flirting with me Evie and I'm rarely wrong about that, its one of my gifts!" I stopped to smile smugly, earning a giggle from my friend.

"You know what Carlin, I thought she was flirting with you too. Hey maybe she is one very confused straight girl, or maybe she's bi or something?" Eva suggested.

I smiled sadly, "I don't think so Evie. I think our Miss Davies is about as straight as they come given how she reacted when I assumed she might be gay and how standoffish she has been with me since. It's just that there are a few things that don't quite add up is all."

"Like what Carlin, come on tell me before your tiny brain explodes!" Eva teased.

"Hey! I resent that," I cried as I threw a balled up piece of paper at Eva who dodged it and just laughed. "Well I guess it doesn't quite mesh that both you and I thought she was flirting with me, plus I felt her watching me a few times and when she saw me with Tracey the day Ethan and her came into the office I definitely detected jealousy. Oh and she is a fan of my films, which all have gay, lesbian, bisexual or transsexual themes and characters. Very few people outside of the LGBT community know about our work aside from our music videos and commercials. It's just strange Evie."

Eva nodded, "Yep it is and now do you know what you need?"

"I'm scared to ask but I'll bite, what do I need oh wise one!" I said with a smirk.

"Oh cute Carlin, but in all seriousness what you need is a night away from all the work you've been putting into this video. You, my dear, need a night out with your oh so loveable best friend, me!" Eva said getting up from her chair and running around the desk to pull me to my feet.

"Evie I can't, we have a meeting with Ashley and Ethan tomorrow and I have to make sure everything is perfect with this video so we can get to casting and filming ASAP." I tried, in vain by the way, to explain.

"Oh hell no Carlin, the work for the video is perfect and we are 150 per cent ready for that meeting tomorrow. So now get your ass home, get hot and I'll pick you up at 10, ok?" Eva ordered.

I gave her a mock salute and said with a teasing smile, "Sure boss." Eva grinned, grabbed my bag and dragged me out of the building and to my car.

"Go home, get ready and I'll lock up. See you later Carlin, and look hot!" Eva called as she jogged back to the building. I laughed and waved before getting into her Jeep and heading home. If I was honest, a night out was just what I needed to help me stop thinking about a certain _straight _brunette.

I was ready by 10 on the dot, which was lucky because for once Eva was exactly on time. I heard her banging on my front door and gave myself a quick once over in the mirror in my front hall. Flicking a piece of lint off my shirt I figured I would do.

I swung open the door to find Eva leaning impatiently against the door jam giving me her best look of boredom, which turned to one of approval when she saw what I was wearing. Eva let out a low whistle, "Damn Carlin when I said look hot I was not expecting you to go supernova on me!" I don't want to sound up myself, but she was right I was looking hot! I was wearing a pair of grey shorts, a tight black halter-neck top and black heels. I had a black leather cuff on my left wrist and more black eyeliner than was usual for me.

I laughed, "What kind of shit are you talking now Reynolds? So are we doing this thing?"

"Ok girl, let's bounce!" Eva grabbed my hand and led me to her car, a vintage Mustang which had been her longest relationship to date, no girl could compete against Eva's baby, well that's what they all said before they left.

Eva drove us to this club we used to go to in college, it had great live music and we were old friends with the owner so we still popped in occasionally. "Good old Gray," I said fondly as the doorman let us cut in front of the massive line of people all waiting to get in. I have to say I love the feeling you get from something like that, it's like a drug.

Once we were inside we made a beeline for the bar to say hi to Kat, the owner of this fine establishment. We found the older blonde at the bar chatting to a brunette who had her back to us. As soon as Kat saw us she beamed and beckoned us over.

"Spencer, Evie, this is an unexpected pleasure. It's great to see you lovely ladies," Kat called over the music as she came round the bar to give each of us a hug.

"Great to see you too Kat, this place is looking amazing, as do you," I said in a teasing voice. Kat laughed and walked back around the bar to pass over a vodka, lime and soda and a southern and coke, you know you go to a place too much when you don't even have to tell the bartender what you're drinking.

"Spencer you are a charmer as always. Now let me introduce you to my friend," The brunette Kat had been talking to spun and around and the greeting I had been getting ready to utter died on my lips.

"Ashley!" I blurted out before Kat could say anything.

"Hey Spencer, Hi Eva. It's good to see you guys," Ashley said with a polite smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

"I didn't know you guys knew each other!" Kat said over the music, her eyes flicking back and forth between Ashley and I, probably picking up on the tension that had overtaken both of us.

"Um yeah, Spencer and I are working with Ashley on her music video," Eva said, giving me a pat on the back.

"Oh is that right? Well then I bet it's going to be fantastic! You're in good hands with these two Ash," Kat said giving the brunette a grin before heading off to help serve customers. I couldn't help but picture all the things I'd like to do with Ashley with my 'good hands'.

Ashley, Eva and I all smiled kind of awkwardly at each other, none of us really knowing what to say to each other. Eva cleared her throat and smiled warmly at Ashley, "So how do you know Kat Ashley?"

Ashley fiddled her beer bottle a bit before answering, "Well I've been coming to Gray since I was like 16. Kat never let them serve underage kids booze but she lets them in so they can have some fun too. Kat became like a big sister to me over the years, she gives the best advice."

"Oh tell me about it! Spencer and I started coming here in freshman year of college and since then Kat has always been my first point of call for my many relationship woes, well after Spencer of course," Eva said bumping my hip with her own.

Ashley chuckled, "Yeah Kat has been that for me too. She has gotten me through many break ups over the years. What about you Spencer?"

I was a bit thrown at having her ask me a direct question after she had been seeming to avoid me for a week. Before I could answer Eva jumped in, "Oh hell yes, well once Spencer got over her massive crush on Kat that is!"

Its official I hate Eva. "Thanks Evie, thanks a lot," I muttered glaring at her.

Ashley laughed, a deep dirty chuckle that I was beginning to love the sound of. "Don't be embarrassed Spencer, I think everyone has had a crush on Kat at one point or another," Ashley said with a grin.

I took a sip of my drink and gave her a grateful smile, "Well thank you Ashley, so you here with someone?"

Ashley took a sip of her beer and shook her head, "Nope just me tonight, I didn't want to sit at home alone so here I am, alone in a crowd." Ashley laughed kind of harshly and began fiddling with the label on her beer bottle.

"Well Miss Davies why don't you hang out with me and the lovely Miss Carlin tonight? I promise we'll behave ourselves and that you'll have a good time. We can celebrate our working together and you can get to know the brains behind the beauty that makes up our little production company," Eva called over the music. She had an infectious grin on her face that Ashley would have to have been made out of stone not to return.

Thankfully our Miss Davies is definitely not made of stone. She returned Eva's grin with a beaming one of her own and said, "Sounds like the best offer I've had in a really long time, if you guys are sure you don't mind?"

"Of course we don't, now let's go snag a booth!" I said leading the other two women through the crowd towards a booth that had just opened up.

We settled into the plush seats and sipped our drinks. I was sitting beside Ashley and across from Eva who was grinning knowingly at us. I just glared at her. It wasn't long before a cute red head came up and asked Eva to dance. Eva hardly even looked back at us before she was on the dance floor grinding.

I smiled over at Ashley, "You'll have to forgive Eva, once there is a girl in her sights she loses all her manners. Not that she actually has a whole lot to begin with."

Ashley grinned, "Well what about you Spencer? You got your sights on anyone tonight?"

I so wanted to tell her that I'd had my sights on her since the moment I'd met her, but I wasn't going to do anything to make our professional relationship any more awkward that it had been in the last week. "Um no, I'm not looking right now," I said shyly.

"Really? How come?" She asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Well I had a really messy, and very public, break up about a year ago and ever since I guess I have just been a bit hesitant about going through it all again and I'm not really into one-night stands," I answered as I took a big drink from my glass. After going a little crazy in my late teens and early twenties I was so over the whole random hook up thing, I was looking for something more, something real.

"Was that with that Toni woman who called your office the other day?" Ashley asked with an unreadable expression on her face.

I was surprised she remembered the name of the woman on the phone and her expression was really confusing me. "Um yeah it was. That break up was a bloodbath, well metaphorically speaking anyway. It also happened on the red carpet of an awards show so it was pretty public. So what about you Ashley, has anyone caught your eye tonight?" I asked over the music, stirring my drink with my straw.

"No I'm not looking for anything. Like you I'm not really into one night stands and I'm just focusing on working on the album right now and thinking about the release for the single and video, depending on how that goes I might be getting ready to go on tour so I'm not looking for anything at the moment," Ashley answered, still with that strange expression on her face.

This woman was such a mystery to me. Usually I was pretty good at reading women, at getting their signals, but with Ashley I had no freaking idea. It kind of unnerved me a bit. "Well I usually have a good instinct about these things and I honestly think your song is going to be a big hit and you know the video will be brilliant because I am working on it," I said with a teasing smile.

"Wow the awesomely talented Spencer Carlin _does_ have an ego, nice. And thanks Spencer, you don't know what your opinion means to me. Uh, I mean since I am such a big fan of your work it means a lot that you like mine." Ashley picked up her beer and quickly finished it off. "Another round?" She asked me raising her bottle.

"Thanks that'd be great," I smiled warmly and watched her make her way to the bar.

"So who is the girl Spencer? She's hot kitten, is she the reason why you won't even consider giving us another chance?" The voice I least wanted to hear said from behind me. I slid out of the booth and got to my feet to turn and face the woman who stood behind me.

"Toni I thought I made it very clear that I never wanted to see you again, so what the fuck are you doing here talking to me? Oh and for the record I won't give you another chance because you are a two-face whore who will bang anything and anyone who will help your career, or that there of." I snarled.

"Oh temper Spencer, relax doll I didn't know you'd be here, but seeing as you are let's not waste this opportunity," Toni drawled in what I used to think was a sexy voice, now it just made my skin crawl. Toni stepped forward and ran her hand down my cheek. I slapped her hand away and glared angrily at her.

"Don't fucking touch me Toni! I am so sick of this shit, you dumped me when someone with more connections came along and now that you're not booking any work you come crawling back to me. Pretty fucking pathetic don't you think?" I snapped.

"Spencer it's not like that kitten, I miss you and I know you miss me too. You know that you want me," She drawled.

I looked at her in disbelief. I wouldn't deny that Toni was hot. She was 5ft 8 with long dark brown hair, big grey eyes and a figure that anyone would envy and in her tiny little black dress there was a lot of her figure on display. Thing is though, that no matter how hot she is, the girl is a slut who doesn't care who she has to step on to get what she wants.

"Toni let me say this as plainly as possible for you. I don't want you in my life at all. I don't want to see you and I don't want to speak to you. I hope you get all that's coming to you. Stay they fuck away from me!" I yelled furiously.

I felt an arm slip around my waist and heard a husky familiar voice say, "Spencer, Baby is there a problem here?"

I turned my head and looked down at Ashley who had placed our drinks on the table and had her arm wrapped firmly around my waist. She raised her eyebrow at me, which I took as a signal to play along. I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and placed a gentle kiss on her temple, "No problem Baby, Toni was just leaving."

Toni was looking back and forth between us furiously, "So is this your latest conquest Spencer?"

I went to reply, with a string of obscenities, when Ashley gave my waist a squeeze to shut me up, "Actually, Roni was it, I'm Spencer's girlfriend Ashley. I'd say it's nice to meet you but we both know that would be a big lie." Ashley said in a voice dripping with fake sweetness.

"It's Toni actually and good luck with this one Ashley, you're going to need it!" Toni snapped before she walked off to join her group of friends.

"Fuck! I'm sorry about that Ashley, thanks for backing me up," I said as I went to remove my arm from her shoulders. Ashley grabbed my hand and held me in place.

"Spencer she's still watching us so just go with it alright?" Ashley ordered as she leaned into my side and rested her head on my shoulder. I had to bite back a moan when I felt the smooth skin of her cheek touch the skin of my chest. I tightened my hold on her and placed another kiss on her temple, taking the opportunity to soak in the scent of her so that I'd always remember.

I don't care that it was pretend, that it meant nothing to her, having Ashley in my arms felt so right. I wanted time to stop and let me have this moment with her.

_I want to break every clock_

_The hands of time will never move again_

_We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)_

_For the rest of our lives_

_(Inevitable – Anberlin)_

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	4. What's Real

**You guys are awesome with the reviews, makes me wanna update everyday!**

**MrsMusgraveTNG – Hehe you know how I feel about that song! Ash is always adorable, thank you Rock Star**

**DarceLynn – You're welcome for the brief Spashley moment, hmm Toni might be a problem**

**mutt009 – Yeah Ethan is a pain in the ass. Of course I left the chapter on a minor cliffhanger, I love torturing you guys! (insert evil laugh here)**

**michevious1 – Hehe, we'll see! Thanks**

**uluvme – I don't see Ethan becoming another Tom, even I'm not that mean! Yep Spencer has it BAD for our Ashley, oh and Kat was definitely blonde**

**Galmil – Yeah I love Eva too. Yay got you hooked!**

**slushhy – Thanks! Yep gotta love the make the ex jealous ploy. I'm hoping that soon Ashley's behaviour will make more sense**

**WillowOn3 – hmm maybe you're right lol. I always liked Kat too. Haha you want Evie?! Sorry love she's all mine! Thanks Sweets**

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**.HEART – Thanks! I love Eva too and I promise all will soon be revealed. **

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Four – What's Real?**

_I don't care that it was pretend, that it meant nothing to her, having Ashley in my arms felt so right. I wanted time to stop and let me have this moment with her._

Spencer's POV

Ashley tightened her hold on my waist and leant up to place a gentle kiss on my cheek. I couldn't help the grin that spread across my face at the touch of her lips on my skin. Ashley leant down and handed me my drink with a wink and a, "Here you go Baby."

I beamed at her and mouthed, "Thanks Honey." We stood like that for a while, wrapped in each other's arms. I honestly can't remember a time when I have felt more connected to another person. I just wished it was as real for her as it was for me.

We finished our drinks, still in each other's arms and then Ashley leaned up and whispered in my ear, "Your skanky ex is still staring at us Spencer, I think we might need to do more to convince her that we're actually together." The feeling of her breath on my skin sent tingles up my spine.

I swallowed and nodded, "Ok so what do we do?" I asked. I totally had some ideas of ways we could convince Toni that Ashley was my girlfriend, my favourite being me throwing Ashley down on the table and making hot passionate love to her right there and now, sadly I didn't think she'd go for that one.

Ashley coked her head and bit her lip, deep in thought, "hmm well you could ask me to dance?" She suggested with a coy smile. It was kind of strange, it felt like she was flirting with me again, wishful thinking on my part I'm sure.

I titled my head and smirked down at her as I held out my hand, "Ok Miss Davies, would you like to dance with me?"

Ashley grinned a nose-crinkling smile and took my offered hand in hers. I felt an instant warmth and jolt of electricity as our hands made contact. I led her out onto the dance floor and smiled as she moved into my arms. She wrapped her arms around my neck and I rested my hands on her hips as we began to move to the music.

I can't for the life of me tell you what song was playing, all I know is that is had a deep bass line that had her grinding into me. It was one of the best moments of my life, and certainly the most bittersweet. It was bittersweet because I knew that this was all one sided, I knew it didn't mean the same thing to her that it did to me.

We danced together for about three songs before the mood changed and the song became slower and more romantic. I smiled shyly and began to pull back out of Ashley's arms, she'd been a good sport in getting Toni off my back but this was getting a bit much for me.

As she felt me start to pull away, Ashley stepped even closer to me and held me tighter. She raised her lips to my ear and murmured, "Are you trying to abandon your girlfriend on the dance floor?"

I leaned back a bit so I could look down at her, she was smiling coyly up at me. I was pretty confused really, unless she was an exceptional actress she seemed serious. I let her start to sway me to the music as she snuggled her head in the crook of my neck. I figured maybe she was just being friendly, although it felt much more than friendly to me.

I forced my stupid brain to shut up and just enjoyed the feeling of having the gorgeous brunette in my arms as we moved in time with the music. I felt Ashley lean further into me until I was certain that there was absolutely no more space between us at all. I was hyper aware of every place our bodies were touching. I happened to glance up and catch Toni giving us one last glare before she stormed out of the club.

I gently stepped reluctantly back from Ashley and gave her a smile, "Well my 'skanky ex' as you called her, as vacated the premise so I won't make you dance with me anymore. Thanks for your help though."

I could have sworn I saw a look of disappointment cross her face as I moved out of her arms. Quickly she smiled at me and said, "No problem, glad I could help." She led me through the crowd to the bar and ordered us some drinks. I took the offered vodka, lime and soda and drank deeply from the glass.

A kind of silence fell over Ashley and I and to be honest I'm not sure if it was awkward or not. I was feeling pretty odd. I couldn't help but stress about what she might be thinking. I guess it was a strange situation for a straight girl to find herself in. Pretending to be some lesbian's, who she's got to work with, girlfriend to help her get rid of her psycho ex. I don't care who you are, that's a weird situation.

I guess the situation would be all the weirder if she was aware of the intense attraction I felt towards her. I have to say I'm glad she didn't. I figured that she would definitely not be comfortable with what had just happened if she knew what I was feeling, or if she could see the images that were playing in my head (I can't help that I have a dirty mind!).

We were saved from further silence when Eva came bounding over to us and stole my drink out of my hand, "Thanks Carlin, just what I needed!"

I stared at her in disbelief as she downed the remainder of my drink in one gulp and then munched on the ice. "Um are you kidding me? That's it Reynolds you are so buying me another drink and while you're at it get one for Ashley as well to make up for you abandoning us earlier for that chick who I see is now making out with a _guy_!" I teased.

"Yeah, yeah I know. That's her boyfriend and they tried to get me to go home with them for a little three-way action. I just burst out laughing and told that guy if he put his junk anywhere near me he'd lose it," Eva said shaking her head. Ashley and I burst out laughing at that and had to clutch onto each other to keep from doubling over.

"Why do these kind of things keep happening to you Evie?" I asked with a smirk.

"Wait this kind of stuff has happened to you before?" Ashley asked incredulously, looking back and forth between Eva and I.

I laughed at the expression of shock on her face, "Oh yeah it's happened before. Evie has some pretty epic dating/hook up stories."

"You exaggerate Carlin! They are not _that_ bad!" Eva said in exasperation.

"Who are you trying to kid Evie? You're stories are the stuff of legends at UCLA! Hell I was talking to our intern that other day and she told me she heard about your exploits!" I exclaimed as Ashley just laughed.

"Really? The little college kids still talk about me? Awesome I'm a living legend!" Eva declared excitedly. Ashley chuckled while I just shook my head.

"Only you Eva would see that as a good thing," I deadpanned as Ashley tried to control her laughter. Eva just shrugged and went to the bar to get us some drinks.

"Eva is great, definitely one of a kind!" Ashley chuckled.

"Very true she is, thankfully, one of a kind," I said with a giggle.

"So…um were you two ever together?" Ashley asked tentatively.

I burst out laughing and then seeing her confused expression I clarified, "Me and Reynolds? Oh hell no! That would be practically incest. We did have to kiss once in sophomore year of college when we got roped into a game of spin the bottle, yeah classy I know, and it was the strangest kiss ever."

Ashley laughed and looked strangely relieved. I have no idea why. "Ok fair enough. You guys seem really close though."

I smiled fondly at Eva who was arguing with some big burly guy who she was accusing of cutting in front of her at the bar, he probably wasn't doing anything wrong at all. "Yeah she's a nut but she's my best friend and I wouldn't be without her." I said with a grin.

Ashley was about to respond when Eva came back over bearing drinks for the three of us, still yelling over her shoulder at the guy at the bar. "Evie, why were you yelling at that poor guy?!" I asked with a grin.

Eva just shrugged and smirked at me and Ashley as we both burst out laughing. The three of us soon hit the dance floor and grooved to Good Girls Go Bad by Cobra Starship featuring Leighton Meester. This song was my song, it always got me grinding.

I threw back my head and let my hair whip around my face as I moved. Eva grabbed my hand and held it up over my head as we danced. I beamed at Ashley as she moved beside me, occasionally bumping into me which I had no objections to. I was getting really into the song, singing the lyrics out loud (and off key I might add) when I felt an arm slip around my waist and heard a familiar voice start singing the lyrics into my ear.

Eva winked at me and dropped my hand as a girl with light brown hair started grinding into her. I leant back into Ashley's body and marveled at how well our bodies fit together. I could feel tingles everywhere her body touched mine. This was different than before, this time she was dancing with me out of choice not because she was trying to help me get rid of my crazy ex.

The song changed and the beat became deeper and dirtier. I felt Ashley move more into my back as she began to grind, her breasts pressing deliciously into me. I swallowed nervously and followed the brunette's movements. Ashley shifted her hands to my waist and buried her face into the crook of my neck. If I wasn't turned on earlier then I sure as hell was now!

I was wondering if she had any idea what she was doing to me?

We were both so into our dance that the vibrating of Ashley's phone in her front pocket (which was pressed against my ass) made both of just jump. "Shit!" Ashley muttered as she stepped away from me and pulled out her phone. I saw her roll her gorgeous chocolate eyes and then flick open her phone, "hello?"

As soon as she heard the voice on the end of the line her whole demeanor changed. Her body language became tense and almost angry. She turned away from me so that I couldn't hear the conversation. I frowned, concerned as she lowered her head in what looked like defeat. I heard her mutter, "yeah bye Ethan," as she turned back to face me and hung up her phone.

Ashley looked over at me, but avoided my eyes at all cost. I felt confused, one second she was dancing pressed up against me _voluntarily_ (yes let me stress that again _voluntarily_) and now she was standing there as though I had some kind of contagious disease. I don't know maybe she thinks being a lesbian is catching.

Ashley flicked her eyes up to mine and then looked back down at the floor, "I gotta go. Um it's late and I have a lot to do tomorrow. So I'll, uh I'll see you at your office for our meeting in the morning I guess." She muttered.

I didn't get a chance to respond before Ashley was practically sprinting out of Gray like it was on fire. I stared after her in a fair amount of shock. I had no freaking clue what had just happened.

I felt an arm sling itself over my shoulder and turned to find Eva smiling sympathetically at me. "Evie I have no fucking idea what just happened. What is her deal, coz I can't figure it out?!"

"Me either Spence. How about you and I get out of here, grab a pint of cookies and cream ice cream on the way to your place and watch one of those sappy rom coms you love so much?" Eva said as she led me towards the door. I just nodded and let myself be dragged along as my mind tried to make sense of the strange and confusing behaviour of one Miss Ashley Davies.

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**Oh and rom coms is short for Romantic Comedies, just in case you didn't know.**


	5. Meeting Of Uh…Minds

**Usual disclaimer I own only my imagination (and in my imagination I own Ashley Davies…a lot)**

**Thanks for the great reviews, you guys make me smile.**

**MrsMusgraveTNG – Oh yeah Ethan the buzz killer**

**LoveAsh87 – All will be made clear soon**

**slushhy – I promise there is a reason for Ashley's behaviour which I will reveal soon**

**uluvme – All your questions will be answered shortly and if you're extra special nice to me I'll try and slip in some of Eva's stories from her UCLA days lol**

**WillowOn3 – You trying to melt me huh? Sorry honey I'm unmeltable! Thanks and I promise that eventually Ashley's bailing will be explained. Oh and Sydney White is a rad movie!**

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**DarceLynn – Yep Ethan the mood killer! Thanks for the review!**

**From this point on all will be in Spencer's POV unless otherwise stated.**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Five – Meeting Of Uh…Minds**

I woke up the next morning with Eva snoring beside me in my bed and my T.V. doing that annoying static thing. I guess we must have fallen asleep watching What Happens In Vegas, that movie is freaking hilarious and I so needed a pick me up after all the confusion with Ashley.

I was really baffled by all the crazy mixed signals she had been sending me since I met her. This girl was messing with my head and definitely not in a good way. I sighed tiredly and dragged myself out of bed, thumping Eva with a pillow as I went, "Up you get Reynolds, we have to get to the office to prepare for out meeting with Ethan and Ashley."

Eva grumbled something which sounded suspiciously like, "Fuck off bitch," and rolled away from me. I shrugged, she'd left me no choice. I grabbed the sheet underneath her and ripped it away from the bed, tipping Eva on her ass on my bedroom floor. As soon as she'd hit the ground I turned and bolted from the room before she could attack me.

I think I only made it like five steps into my hall way when Eva tackled me to the floor and started tickling me mercilessly. I was crying, begging and gasping for air when she finally got off me and helped me to my feet, "So did we learn a lesson from that Carlin?" Eva asked in a very parent like voice.

I nodded solemnly, next time I'd just run a hell of a lot faster! Of course I was smart enough not to tell Eva that.

We each headed to a bathroom in my house, which by the way is my pride and joy. My Great Aunt Zelda had left me a fair bit of money in her will, a lot of which was used to start the production company and the rest I used as a down payment on my beach house.

It was a gorgeous little place with huge open windows and decking all the way around it. Best part though, is that is was right on this very private and secluded beach that no body ever came to. It was my own little slice of heaven. I had always felt inspired when by the water so moving to the beach was an easy decision for me.

Eva had a little apartment in downtown L.A., right near our office, but often stayed at my place after a night out. She said the sea air was the best ever hangover cure…you know what she is not wrong.

After we were both showered and dressed for work we ate a quick breakfast out on the deck over looking the ocean.

"So are you going to talk to Ashley about last night?" Eva asked in her usual tactless way.

"No I'm not. I have no idea what's going on with her, but I don't need the drama. I don't want to be some straight girl's experiment, that's kind of empty for me. I just wish I knew what her deal was though," I sighed in frustration and drained the last of the coffee in my cup.

"Yeah it doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense. It's not even my head that's getting fucked with and I'm all flustered! Are you gonna be ok Spencer?" Eva asked in a concerned voice.

I smiled warmly at her, "Yeah, of course. She's just some girl I was a bit attracted to, no big deal at all."

"Ok Carlin you have to know that shit doesn't work on me. Look we'll get through this video and then probably never have to see her again, it'll be ok Spence," Eva said giving my hand a squeeze. I didn't say so, but even thinking that I would never see Ashley again after this video shoot made me sad, which was ridiculous given that I had known her like a week.

"Thanks, now let's get this over with," I sighed as I got to my feet. We took our breakfast dishes into my kitchen and quickly finished getting ready so that we could head into the office to make sure everything was set for the meeting. We rarely met clients at the office on Saturdays, but we were making an exception for Ashley and Ethan.

We jumped into our cars and drove to the office, Eva would be heading out after the meeting, while I was planning to do some editing on another project. I had gotten a tad wrapped up in Ashley video and had let a few other projects slide. But no more, I wasn't going to let that woman consume my thoughts and time any more.

In the week that I had know the brunette I had felt more confused and overwhelmed than I had ever felt in my life. I couldn't let myself feel this way about a girl who was not only a client but also clearly straight.

I parked next to Eva and jumped out of my car. Eva linked our arms together and gave me a huge smile, "Let's go get em gorgeous!" I giggled and let her drag me into the building.

I headed to my office, while Eva unlocked and checked the messages. I settled at my desk and checked over all the work we'd done for the meeting. The story boards were done and a script had been drafted. I had even been in touch with one of my contacts about organising a casting call for the guy to play Ashley's love and a few other people to take on the minor parts.

I was reading over my notes when Eva came in with a huge cup of coffee for me, much needed to I might add, the drinks and late night starting to catch up with me. "So are we gonna wow them with this video or what?" Eva asked with a confident grin.

"Yeah I think we just might. It is exactly what we discussed I think and we worked hard on it," I replied, sliding my glasses up to rest on my head as I drank from my coffee cup.

"What's this we business Carlin? You know you did all the work on this thing. I just sat around looking hot," Eva said, struggling to keep a straight face.

I laughed and shook me head, "Ok then hot stuff can you make sure the meeting room is ready for our clients who should be here in like…ten minutes."

"I'm on it! Love it when you're bossy Carlin!" Eva called as she strode out of the room. I laughed as she walked out, without Eva I think I would always be walking around under a dark cloud of misery. She truly is the best friend a girl could have.

I scooped up my coffee cup and collected my notes and folders for the meeting before heading down to the meeting room. Eva winked as she passed me in the hallway, making me giggle. I wandered into the meeting room and organised my notes so that I was ready to go once Ashley and Ethan arrived.

I slid my glasses off and rubbed my eyes tiredly. This meeting was going to be difficult. I heard the sound of voices and footsteps in the hall and rightly assumed that it was Eva, Ethan and Ashley. I straightened my clothes, yes I'll admit I had dressed very carefully for this meeting. I was wearing a black and white dress that was fitted to my waist where it flared out in a skirt that reached down to just above my knees. The straps were wide and fell to a v on both the front and back, exposing a lot of my back and a fair amount of cleavage. Hell if I was going to be in the same room as the woman who was doing my head in I had to look hot. I'd teamed the dress with black, high heeled peep toe shoes and had my hair in a messy bun with a few tendrils of hair framing my face. I slid my glasses back on and double checked the room. We were ready.

I smiled as Eva led them in to the room. I stepped around the big table to greet the new arrivals. I let Ethan pull me into yet another awkward and boarder line inappropriate hug, very aware of the brown eyes brunette who was watching me. Once I'd greeted Ethan I turned to Ashley and held out my hand which she took hesitantly as her eyes trailed their way up and down my body.

"Thanks for coming guys, let's take a seat and we'll get this meeting underway," I said as I walked back around the table and took my seat. Eva took the seat beside me while Ethan and Ashley sat across from us.

I felt Ashley's eyes on me as I shuffled my notes (which did not need to be shuffled) and started the meeting. "Ok so we have a few sets of storyboards and a draft script for you guys to look at. I was thinking we could go through them at the same time, compare and discuss ideas and modifications you might want to make, is that ok?" I asked with a professional smile.

"Um yeah sounds good," Ashley mumbled, her eyes still locked on me. I couldn't decipher her expression, it was strange. I was seriously wishing that I could read minds because I would have loved to know what was going on inside the gorgeous brunettes head. No woman had ever gotten under my skin the way she had.

"Ok great, can I get you guys a coffee before we begin?" I asked, pretty eager to refill my own cup to help the minor hangover I was dealing with.

"Yeah that'd be great Spence," Ethan said with a big smile for me. I think he has it in his head that he can 'convert' me, he's got no freaking chance.

"Um I'll help you," Ashley said getting to her feet.

"Ok thanks," I murmured, glancing over at Eva who raised her eye brow and looked confused.

Ashley and I wandered out of the meeting room and down to our little kitchen in silence, a rather awkward silence. I started pulling out cups and getting the coffee ready. All the while I could feel Ashley's eyes on me as she stood just inside the door. I really didn't understand what was going on with her.

I kept my back to her as I poured the fresh brewed coffee into the cups and started adding cream and sugar to Eva and my cups, Ethan just took it black…yuck! I turned around to ask Ashley how she wanted her coffee to find her standing right behind me.

The words died on my lips as Ashley put her hands either side of me on the counter, effectively trapping me. Her eyes were burning into mine as her body pressed against me. I felt my heart rate speed up as my breathing became shallow and erratic.

I watched as her eyes flicked back and forth between my eyes and my lips, which were parted as I struggled to control my breathing. Ashley licked her lips and leant forward until our lips were barely touching. I closed my eyes and almost groaned at the sensation of her breath on my lips.

"Spencer I have wanted to do this since the second I met you," Ashley whispered. I felt a shiver travel up my spine before her lips captured mine. The kiss was hungry and passionate. It was all consuming. I was not aware of anything but her mouth on mine and her body pressed against me.

Ashley circled my waist with her hands and pulled me closer against her as she deepened the kiss. I moaned as our tongues made contact and tangled my hands in her silky curls. Our kisses became rougher and more needy until we were both breathless and had to pull away to get air.

We pulled back just enough that we could look into each others eyes, both of us breathing heavily. I swallowed and tried to think of something to say, if only I could get my brain to function again. I think it had shut down, maybe permanently. Such was the power of Ashley Davies' kisses.

Ashley licked her lips and gave me a sad little smile, "I guess you and I need to talk."

I looked at her and just nodded. "Ok we'll talk, but not now. We'd better get back to the meeting and maybe we can talk after wards? Is that ok?" Ashley asked tentatively.

I clearly my throat and murmured, "Ok, you guys are our last clients for today so we could talk after the meeting."

Ashley got a weird look on her face, "Um ok, but can we not tell any one? Oh and could we meet somewhere private, like at your place or something?"

I gave her a look of confusion and nodded, "Uh ok sure, if that's what you want. You could come round to my place for dinner or something and we could talk, does that work for you?"

"Yeah ok that would be great," Ashley whispered as she closed the distance between our lips once again. I couldn't help but moan as her tongue found mine. We kissed for a little bit longer and then I pulled away, it was all a little overwhelming.

Ashley pecked me on the cheek and murmured, "Until tonight then."

I just nodded and we carried the coffee back into the meeting room.

_Until tonight indeed…_

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	6. Not Just Dinner

**Yet again I am in awe from all your reviews, much love to you all.**

**MrsMusgraveTNG – Yep the much awaited kiss and here we have the beginning of the talk**

**drummergirl244 – Hmm hot huh? I'm glad you thought so**

**ashleylphl, Life-Live-Love-Learn, 2bz2breading, madricc, momo0424 and Irishgrl33 – Thanks so much**

**LoveAsh87 – Yeah I knew that there couldn't be just a kiss, the talk has to happen too**

**uluvme – Oh I know, if that's how Ashley helps get coffee she can 'help' me anytime. Aw thanks, I take the comparison of my stories to crack as a compliment. In all seriousness I am so thrilled that you like my stuff, thanks so much for yet another wonderful review!**

**WillowOn3 – it really was just a matter of time before the sexual tension exploded lol. I would LOVE a world filled with Evies, and Ridleys and Julians and Spashleys lol that's my ideal world. Yeah that's right ironman I am lol, nothing melts me…besides chocolate**

**grangergirl22 – hmm I like your ideas, read on to see if you're right**

**slushhy – Yep Ashley made a move all right, talk begins…now**

**nightwish fan – Oh I do, I do love torture, makes me cackle all evil like, here's another update for you**

**FadeToLife – why thank you, hot is good**

**.HEART – Yeah thought it was about time something happened lol hmm if you want to know what Ashley's deal is I suggest you keep reading. Oh and I agree, What Happens in Vegas is awesome…I might have to watch it when I get home form work**

**DontMindBnCrazy – hehe thanks, yet another great review from you!**

**DarceLynn – Oh yeah I'm sure Eva will have a thing or two to say**

**REZ 18 – Thanks for the review, ah yes Ethan eating his heart out…I like it!**

**Usual disclaimer, nothing connected to SoN is mine **

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Six ****– Not Just Dinner**

The meeting had gone well, very well. We had reached an agreement on the actual content of the video and the script was done with just a few minor tweaks to be made. All that had to happen now was the finalising of the script and then we could start getting ready to shoot the video.

I will admit though, I was pretty damn distracted through out the meeting with Ashley sitting directly across from me. It also didn't help that she kept looking at me with an expression I just couldn't read. This woman was making me crazy.

I walked Ashley and Ethan out, getting another awkward/inappropriate hug from Ethan and a little wink from Ashley as they left. I was in a bit of a daze to be frank. I had never been so affected by just a kiss before. Even now, literally hours after the kiss, my lips were still tingling.

I wandered back into the meeting room to help Eva tidy up only to find her leaning against the table and smirking at me, "So what happened with you and Ashley in the kitchen? You guys had this weird vibe when you came back in with the coffees."

I sighed and picked up the discarded coffee cups. I wasn't sure if I should tell Eva what had happened between Ashley and I. Ashley had asked me not to tell anyone, but I told Eva everything and had done since the day I'd met her. She was my family, best friend and confidante and it felt weird to hide this from her.

"Nothing happened Evie, we just talked about the video and how excited she is to start working on it," I answered. My response sounded weak, even to me.

Eva looked at me suspiciously, she could tell there was something I wasn't telling her. She nodded and picked up her folder and note book before heading out of the room towards her office.

I took the cups to the kitchen and rinsed them out. I wasn't sure what to think about my dinner with Ashley, was this a date or was it something else. All I was sure of was that Ashley Davies had gotten under my skin and was sending my head spinning. I was also 100 per cent certain that I desperately wanted to kiss her again.

I was leaning against the counter, deep in thought when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. Pulling it out I couldn't help but smile when I saw I had a text message from Ashley.

- Hey in all the excitement I forgot to ask what time for dinner, Ash x

I chuckled and wrote back.

- Well kissing me often has that effect on people. Let's say 7 for dinner, S x

Literally ten seconds later a response came in.

- LOL there's that ego of urs! Ok I'll see you at 7, A xx

I closed my phone and smiled to myself as I headed back to my office to actually get some work done. If I was coming into the office on a Saturday I may as well get some stuff done.

I was in my office going over a cut of a commercial we had just finished editing when Eva walked in. "Spence I'm gonna head out, you wanna catch up for dinner later?"

"I'd love to Evie but," I hesitated and then sighed, _fuck it she's my best friend I'm gonna tell her,_ I thought to myself, "I'm having dinner at my place with Ashley Davies."

Eva's eyes widened and her mouth fell open, "Huh, you wanna repeat that please?"

"I lied earlier when I said nothing happened between me and Ashley. She kissed me Evie, and I kissed her back. We were in the kitchen and she just kissed me, like out of nowhere. She's coming around tonight so we can talk. I'm sorry I didn't say anything earlier, but she asked me not to," I confessed.

"Fuck Carlin, way to hold out! Not that I didn't know you were bullshitting me, you are truly the worst liar ever Blondie. I so knew there was something going on, you guys took waaaaay too long getting the coffees this morning. So…how was the kiss?" Eva asked in her usual tactless way, a huge smirk on her lips.

I chuckled, "It was…God I don't think I have the words to describe it Evie. All I can say is that I have never been kissed like that before and I am dying to do it again."

Eva chuckled and then looked serious for a moment, "Spencer I want you to be careful with this. I know you like this girl, in fact I think you really really like this girl, but she is claiming to be straight. I don't want to see you get hurt so just tread carefully yeah?"

I nodded and walked over to give her a hug, "I will I promise."

"Good, now go home and get ready for your dinner with rock star in the making Ashley Davies! Go on get," Eva said ushering me towards the door.

I laughed and ducked around her to go back to my desk, "Ok Evie I'll go, but can I shut down my computer and get my stuff first? Is that ok?" I asked teasingly.

Eva pretended to consider the question before nodding and sighing dramatically, "Ok well if you _must_!" I laughed again, saved my work and shut down the computer before scooping up my bag and jacket.

I was almost at the door when I reached out and grabbed Eva's hand, "I love you Reynolds."

"Yeah love you too Carlin, and don't worry your little secret is safe with me. Just promise me you'll talk to me about it ok? I want details, no scratch that I DEMAND details!" Eva said with a grin.

"I promise. See ya later Evie," I said dropping a kiss on her cheek as I walked out.

I arrived home after making great time from the office and began cleaning the house, not that it was particularly messy. I just needed something to occupy myself so I didn't go crazy overanalysing what had happened and what could possibly happen.

Once the house was up to scratch, and by that I mean once my obsessive compulsive need to distract myself was fulfilled, I headed to my bedroom to get ready. After a long hot shower I climbed out and began the serious business of deciding what to wear.

I tried on about twelve different outfits before deciding to go casual and slipped on a pair of grey skinny jeans and a black v-neck t-shirt that hugged my curves generously. I completed the outfit with black gladiator sandals and a black leather cuff on my right wrist. I left my hair out so that it hung straight down my back and applied my makeup carefully.

Once I thought I was presentable I headed to the kitchen and started getting dinner prepared. I loved cooking. It was something I used to do with my father and it made me feel close to him.

I plugged my Ipod into the stereo and put it on shuffle, smiling to myself when Katy Perry's I Kissed A Girl came on. That was kind of perfect. I clicked onto the next song and began singing softly when Kissing You by Sade came on. I had to wonder if the universe was trying to tell me something with all the kissing themed music. Ah well who gives a shit, we'll see what happens.

I was just about to head to the kitchen and check on dinner when my doorbell rang. I walked quickly to the door and opened it to find Ashley standing nervously on the other side. I smiled at her, my own nervousness probably evident on my face. "Hi Ashley, come on in," I said softly.

She looked incredible. She was wearing a pair of black shorts with a champagne coloured tank top with a black waistcoat over the top. Her long dark hair hung loosely in wild curls that framed her face. I had to consciously remind myself to breathe and to not drool.

Ashley smiled shyly and stepped into my house. I closed the door behind her and moved to stand in front of her. "Now that I'm here I feel so nervous Spencer, you make me nervous," Ashley murmured softly.

I smiled gently, "Its ok you make me nervous too. Ashley I don't know what's going on here, with us, but I don't want you to feel nervous. This is just us getting to know each other, getting to talk. Anyway why don't you come with me into the kitchen and keep me company while I finish dinner."

"Sure, sounds good," Ashley said as she followed me into the kitchen. Not for the first time I wished I could read the brunettes mind so that I could figure out what she was thinking. No woman had ever made me feel like this before and it was unnerving.

As we entered the kitchen I walked over and checked on the food, seeing that it was almost done I pulled out some plates and walked over to the sliding glass doors that separated my kitchen from the decking that surrounded my house. I laid out the plates on a table over looking the beach and opened the bottle of wine on the table.

"Can I pour you a glass?" I asked, holding up the bottle. Ashley just nodded and walked up to the railing around the deck. The gentle breeze tossed her chocolate brown curls as the dying sun caused a golden glow to surround her. She looked like a goddess.

I walked up beside her and handed her the wine glass. Our fingers brushed against each other as she took the glass, sending volts of electricity up my spine. Her mocha eyes locked on mine and she smiled. "This is the most beautiful place Spencer, you are lucky to be so close to the water," She murmured.

I grinned and leaned against the railing, "Yeah I am. I have always felt inspired near the water so when the opportunity came up for me to get a place of my own I couldn't stand the thought of not buying a place near the ocean."

"Well it's beautiful Spencer." Ashley said softly turning to look out over the water. I ducked back inside and got our dinner. I brought it out and laid it on the table on the decking. I lit the lanterns surrounding the deck and we sat down to eat.

I'd made a chicken caesar salad and homemade chocolate brownies for desert. It was a rather simple meal, but it was one of my favourites. We made small talk over dinner, mostly about work and dinner. It remained purely superficial, which I think we both needed in order to settle our nerves.

After desert we took our glasses of wine into the living room and sat on my plush cream linen sofa and stared out the window over looking the water. I looked down at my wine and swallowed down my nerves, "Ashley I have to ask, what is going on here? I mean you're straight, Ethan made that pretty damn clear, and yet I feel like you've been flirting with me. Of course then you pull away and avoid me or things get awkward and then today you go and kiss me. Ashley I'm really confused here."

Ashley stared into her wine glass as if she was going to find all the answers in the ruby liquid. We sat in silence for several minutes until I sighed and got to my feet to start pacing the length of my living room, "You said you wanted to talk and now you're here and you won't say a word. Ashley this isn't fair to me, you can't keep playing these mind games with me."

Ashley set down her glass and got slowly to her feet. She walked over to stand directly in front of me, halting my pacing, and locked her eyes on mine. I swallowed nervously at the look of pure, unadulterated longing in her captivating chocolate eyes. Ashley reached up and cupped my cheek in her palm before slowly leaning in and capturing my lips in a tender kiss.

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer to me as our lips moved together in one of the gentlest, sweetest kisses I have ever experienced. We finally broke apart in desperate need of oxygen, each of us gasping for air. She rested her forehead against mine as our breath mingled together.

I closed my eyes and whispered, "As much as I like it, you can't just keep kissing me Ashley. I have to know what it is that you're feeling."

I felt her moved away from me and my eyes snapped open. Ashley moved back over to my sofa and sat down. She licked her lips and raised her eyes to meet mine, "Ok let's talk."

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	7. Ok Let's Talk

**Thanks once again for the great reviews**

Mindgamesgoodorbad, slushhy, somthgIlike2do, LoveAsh87, 2bz2breading, Life-Live-Love-Learn – Thanks for the reviews and here is the next instalment

.HEART – I love Eva too, I wish I knew someone like her in reality. Thanks and I hope you like this chapter

DarceLynn – Yeah I figured I should throw you guys a bone, I've been pretty mean lately

WillowOn3 – of course there was a cliff hanger, you know how evil I am! Ah its like that is it? Ok then my dear…game on hehe. Oh me too, one day I want a house by the beach, now just gotta find a rich girlfriend to make that happen for me

drummergirl244 – I'm glad you thought the kissing was hot coz that's what I was trying to achieve when I wrote it, I wanted people to think it was hot. Aw thanks that is beyond sweet! I'll have to let you know if I ever publish anything, but I doubt that'll ever happen

mutt009 – Aw sorry you missed ch5, at least you got 2 updates at once. Yeah Ethan may become a bit of a problem…we'll see what happens there. Nope I'll never be tired of repeating how much I love to torture you all, and please complain away it makes me giggle (out loud and I'm a work so that's kinda embarrassing). Please vent away my friend!

REZ18 – Yep the talk must be had, as great as the kissing is they have a bit to talk about. Thanks heaps and I hope you like chapter 7

uluvme – Well that would be why I leave Cliff hangers, to get you antsy for the next chapter. As for Ethan…well we will see how that plays out.

**Usual disclaimer I don't own SoN…just wish I did**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Seven – Ok Let's Talk**

I sat down beside Ashley on my sofa and looked over at her expectantly. She took a sip of her wine and bit down on her lower lip nervously. She cleared her throat and raised her eyes from the floor to meet mine. "I'm not really sure where to begin Spencer," she murmured.

"Well how about you tell me why you kissed me today, I think that might be a good place to start," I suggested. I so badly needed answers from her, otherwise I was fairly certain my sanity was going to be a thing of the past if it wasn't already.

Ashley let out a soft chuckle, "I would have thought it was pretty obvious why I kissed you Spencer. But seeing as it's not let me clarify, I am very attracted to you. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since the moment I met you. I kissed you because, like I said earlier, I have wanted to kiss you since the second I saw you and I just couldn't resist any longer."

I tilted my head and looked at her still confused, "But you're straight. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I am really really attracted to you too, I mean have you seen you? Not trying to make you uncomfortable or anything, but you're beautiful Ashley, you're kind, funny and sweet and you have the same passion for your work that I have for mine. The thing is I have been with straight women before and it never works out, I don't want to be an experiment to you."

Ashley got this gorgeous smirk on her face and leaned back against the couch. She shook her head and said, "What makes you so sure that I'm straight?"

Wait, hold on just a second…what the hell is she saying? I swallowed audibly and looked at her dumbfounded, which she seemed to find amusing judging by how big her smirk was getting. "Um well Ethan said…you know the other day at my office. He, uh, he said that you were straight," I mumbled, a blush starting to colour my cheeks.

Ashley laughed, "Oh yeah he did too. Ethan is a pain in the ass when he says shit like that, but I guess he's just doing his job."

My confusion was starting to turn into annoyance, "Look Ashley could you please just tell me what the fuck is going on? This is doing my fucking head in!"

Ashley's smirk dropped off her face to be replaced by a look so serious I kind of felt scared. She looked down at her hands and then forced her eyes up to meet mine, "Spencer, I'm sorry this has been so confusing for you, it has for me too. I'm not trying to play games with you, I promise, this isn't what this is."

"Then can you tell me what _this_ is then?" I asked softly, almost dreading the answer.

Ashley sighed, "Spencer I'm…well I'm gay."

"Come again?" I said confused. I was expecting maybe she was bisexual or that she'd just admit to being confused about her sexuality, I was not expecting her to out herself.

Ashley smiled at my obvious confusion, "I'm gay Spencer, big ole' raging lesbo and have been all my life. I've been out to family and close friends since I was fifteen."

I frowned in thought as I looking into her beautiful smiling face, "Then why the hell did Ethan tell us you're straight? And why did you keep running away from me? You know like the other night when we were at the club and we were dancing. You got a call from Ethan and then bolted out of there like I had leprosy or something. Not exactly a way to make a girl think you're interested."

Ashley looked ashamed, her big brown eyes bore into mine like she was begging me to hear her out, to understand. "Ethan called to see what I was doing, I told him I was out with you and he reminded me of our agreement," Seeing my confusion Ashley continued, "Well I have known Ethan and his father, the CEO of the label, since I was about twelve. They worked with my Dad and produced his last few albums before he died. I worked for the company as a song writer and producer until Ethan Senior offered to sign me as an artist. The only condition being that I agreed to hide my sexuality until I got a well established fan base. They were scared that my sexuality could impact record sales," Ashley murmured.

I looked at her sadly, "So you are hiding your true self from the world for the sake of your career?"

Ashley nodded, "Yeah I guess I am. I hate it Spencer, I do. My whole life I only really came out to friends and close family so I have never really got to be out, but I never hid who I was. I feel so ashamed sitting here in front of you hiding who I am. I have been an admirer of yours for a long time. I admire how you never hide who you are and I wish I could be like that."

I took a minute to absorb what she'd said. It was a damn lot to take in. "Ashley you can be like that, you can be honest with the world about who you are. That is your choice, no one else can make it for you," I said softly.

"That may be your world Spencer, but right now it's not mine. My music means the world to me and if I have to hide this part of myself for a while to get my music out there then so be it. I was ok with that, with staying in the proverbial closet…and then I met you," Ashley said softly, so many conflicting emotions flickering about in her eyes.

"Ok I get that. You think it's been easy for me to be publicly out? Because it hasn't, both Eva and I have struggled trying to stay true to ourselves. We have lost clients and business opportunities for simply being who we are so I understand why you feel the need to hide it, it's just sad that a strong, confident woman who would be a great role model to so many women struggling with their sexuality has to hide herself away," I said taking a sip from my wine glass.

"I know that Spencer, God do I know that. I hate the fact that I'm hiding this part of myself, but for the sake of getting my music out there this is what I have to do," Ashley said, jumping to her feet and crossing to the huge windows overlooking the beach.

I got up and moved to stand beside her staring out at he blackness of the water. I keep my eyes trained on the outside world as I tentatively ask my next question, "So what does that mean for whatever this thing that is or isn't going on between you and I?"

As soon as I said the words I wanted to take them back, I was so nervous about her response. I have no idea why I cared so much, all I know is that in far too short a time this woman had come to mean a lot to me. I felt connected to her in a way that I had never felt before. It was like I knew this woman was meant to be in my life.

Ashley turned away from the window to face me. I kept my eyes locked on the distant horizon, scared of what I would see in her captivating chocolate eyes. "Spencer look at me, please," She murmured.

I swallowed around the lump in my throat and turned to face her. Ashley locked her eyes on mine and reached out to cup my cheek in her palm. "Spencer I am so damn attracted to you. I have struggled so much with what I feel, it came on so fast and I was really not expecting it. I didn't want to like you, it complicates things because I want you so badly and I know I can't ask you to sneak around with me like we're having some kind of elicit affair. The funny thing is that had we met even six months ago, before this whole record deal thing then we would have made one scorching lesbian couple and I would have been damn proud to have you on my arm."

I gazed at her, trying to process everything she had just said. I felt like my head was literally spinning, like exorcist spinning, with all the thoughts racing around in it. I looked at Ashley, let my eyes sweep over her beautiful, emotion filled face. I had no idea what to say to that. I took a step back and looked back out at the ocean, "I need a minute to process this Ashley. I don't know what to say or what to do. Ashley what do _you_ want?"

Ashley lifted her hand and tilted my chin to face her before whispering simply, "You."

I leaned in and crushed our bodies together as my lips sought hers in a hungry kiss full of passion. I felt Ashley smile against my lips and lean further into me as she deepened the kiss. Her hands circled my waist and teased the bare skin between my jeans and top making me moan into her mouth.

I slid my hands up her back to tangle them in her silky curls as she backed me up against the window. The cool glass against my back felt amazing in contrast to the heat of the body pressed into my front.

The kiss started to slow down, became tender and sweet as opposed to hungry and intense. I felt drunk on her, the taste of her. Ashley's body felt so damn right in my arms and I couldn't imagine anyone else ever fitting so well.

We broke apart when oxygen became an issue and rested our foreheads against one another breathing heavily. I kept my eyes closed, scared that if I opened them I'd find that it was all a dream, one of the many dreams I had had about this gorgeous woman.

"Spence…" Ashley said breathlessly. I kept my eyes closed and tried not to moan at the feeling of her warm breath caressing my swollen lips. "Spencer look at me please?" Ashley asked softly.

I slowly opened my eyes to find her gazing intently at me. Her sparkling brown eyes held mine and I felt like I was drowning in them. Ashley took a deep breath, as if to settle her nerves and smiled tenderly at me. "Spencer I am feeling things for you I didn't expect to feel. Now I know that you don't want to exist in the closet, I get that, but I just can't walk away from you. Please tell me you feel the same," Ashley pleaded in a soft, yet desperate voice.

I took a deep shuddering breath and held her eyes, "I do. God Ashley I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since the moment we met. I don't know what to do though, I've had relationships where I've had to hide them before and they never end well. I like you Ashley, so much, but…" Ashley silenced me with a finger to my lips.

"Spencer the only question right now is do you want be with me?" Ashley asked.

"I do, but…" Once again her finger silenced my arguments.

"Ok we'll then let's work on that. You're scared of hiding a relationship, but Baby we won't have to hide it for long, just until the album is released and I develop a bit of a fan base. I mean come on you heard the single, it's hot and so am I meaning it hopefully won't be long before the world loves me and won't care if I'm gay, straight or all of the above. We're talking a few months tops and then, if you haven't gotten sick of me by then we can go public and be the hottest lesbian couple since Ellen and Portia. Why don't we just take it slow, hang out with each other and see where it leads us? Please give us a chance Spencer, please?" Ashley asked earnestly as she grasped my hand in hers.

I pulled back a bit, needing a little space. I licked my suddenly dry lips and ran her words over in my head. I closed my eyes a moment and then opened them up to fix them on hers, ocean blue mixing with chocolate brown. Her expression was a mix of hopeful and fearful as she waited for my response, her chest rising and falling erratically as her breathing increased with her anxiety.

"Please Spencer," Ashley whispered, her eyes shining with unshed tears.

I felt my lip tremble as tears filled my eyes. I bit my lip and keeping my eyes glued to hers I answered….

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**Oh yeah that's right another cliff-hanger…I am evil! So who wants to poke me with sharp sticks now?**

**Stay tuned for Spencer's answer.**


	8. Take A Chance On Me

**Wow, some of you guys are violent…those sticks hurt!**

MrsMusgraveTNG – Hehe, sorry! My bad! I really am evil and diabolical lol Oh no don't make me and Sophia fight! I'll be good

DarceLynn – Good plan there, should you maim me with sharp sticks I wouldn't be able to write and might feel compelled to employ more cliff hangers lol

Coachkimm – dull, hot stick huh? Ouch!

momo0424, somthgIlike2do, nightwish fan, Life-Live-Love-Learn, prissy020304, amorvacio22, Mindgamesgoodorbad, sonfan92 – Sorry! I am an evil, mean person for leaving it with a cliff hanger, thanks for reviewing

WillowOn3 – lol glad you won't be part of the angry mob that's coming after me. Glad Ash's confession moved you and seriously you're taking away my chocolates? That's harsh! I LOVE chocolates! Hope you got to class on time, thanks for another wonderful review

breathe4her – Thanks heaps! I am a fan of your work so it means a lot that you like mine. Your words mean a lot so thanks again! The situation our girls are in here is a hard one, we'll see how it pans out.

.HEART – Hehe, no its ok I am evil. Thanks, I felt it was important for them to get their feelings out there, I hope you like Spencer's response

drummergirl244 – Oops, sorry! Man am I getting abused with sticks!

uluvme – oh wow, sharp metal rods with heated ends huh? Um well that's gonna hurt lol. I can't promise to not use cliff hangers again…because you know what I probably will, but I will be wearing some kind of armour to protect myself from you guys lol.

mutt009 – well ok then my friend, the first stab goes to you lol. I am so sorry for shattering your heart, I hope this chapter can start to mend it.

2bz2breading – Spencer does have a tough decision to make. It comes down to the inevitable question, listen to your head or your heart. Like you I could not go back in the closet, it was too damn hard coming out the first time, but then again when the possibility of love presents itself it's damn hard to ignore. Thank you for the review

LoveAsh87 – Thank you, I hope you like Spencer's answer

slushhy – Sadly the world is full of bigots that make life harder then it has to be. I hope you like Spencer's response

FadeToLife – Thanks, you're right what Ashley is going through is pretty common so we'll see how Spashley cope with it. Thanks so much for the compliment and for not maiming me with sharp sticks!

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Eight - Take A Chance On Me**

_I felt my lip tremble as tears filled my eyes. I bit my lip and keeping my eyes glued to hers I answered…_

"Ok, let's do it, let's give us a chance. What's life without a little risk?" I asked, a grin starting to break out on my face. Let's face it I would be the biggest idiot on the fucking planet if I had walked away from Ashley Davies without at least giving us a chance to work out. I may be stupid, but I'm not that stupid.

Ashley's face broke out into a huge, blinding smile as she leaned forward to pull me into a crushing embrace, which I eagerly returned burying my face in her soft curls. I sighed in contentment as her arms tightened around me and she nestled her face in the crook of my neck.

We didn't need words, we just needed to feel the connection between us. I had a feeling that this thing between us was too damn strong to be denied but I was scared of what the future would hold. How long would we have to hide this, dare I call it a relationship?

I felt Ashley moved her hands to the side of my face and tilt my face down so she could look into my eyes. She looked at me with so much feeling that I felt my breath catch in my throat. Ashley raised her lips to mine and kissed me softly and sweetly.

I smiled into the kiss, which turned into a moan when she moved her hand to the back of my neck and deepened the kiss. Her hands felt like they were all over me at one time as I clutched her to me firmly.

Our kisses became hurried and intense as she started backing me up towards the sofa. I went with it until the backs of my legs hit the edge and then I broke out of her arms panting heavily. Ashley looked over at me her chest rising and falling quickly as she fought to get her breath back and a confused look on her face.

I ran my hand through my hair and sighed, "Ash I have to take this slowly ok? We can't rush this. Please can we just take it slowly and see where we end up?"

Ashley smiled tenderly at me and moved to take me in her arms, "Of course Spencer, we'll take it however you want to. So how about you and me have a proper date?"

I smiled coyly, "A date huh? Hmm I guess I could do that. I really should give you a chance to dazzle me."

"Ah and dazzle you I shall. So can I ask you something?" Ashley bit her lip as she sat down on the sofa, pulling me down beside her.

"Sure ask away," I replied giving her hand a squeeze.

"That Toni girl, why the hell did you go out with her?" Ashley asked with a cute little pout of confusion.

I threw back my head and laughed, "Well honestly to begin with she was really sweet and kind and she made me feel wanted. I had recently gotten out of a train wreck of a relationship with a bisexual girl who decided she missed the penis and cheated on me with a mutual friend of ours. The production company was just starting to make a name for itself and Toni came along. She was an actress I cast in a music video I was making and she pursued me relentlessly. I'll admit I was flattered by the attention and gave into her advances." I smiled wryly and shook my head.

"What happened?" Ashley asked as she tucked her feet under her body and snuggled back against the sofa.

"Well we got together and it was pretty great to start with, well I thought it was. Eva will give you a different version, she never liked Toni. Things got intense very quickly and before I knew it we were in this serious relationship and I wasn't 100% sure how we got there. I was so into this girl and it started impacting my life. Toni was jealous of Evie, sure that there was something going on between us which was ridiculous and Eva was getting furious at me for casting Toni in so many of our productions," I stopped and ran my hand through my hair, brushing it back from my face.

"I always swore that I would never let a relationship get in the way of my work and my friendship with Eva. I love what I do too much for that and I know I couldn't live without Evie, she is my family. Toni had me wrapped around her little finger, only problem was I couldn't see it. I did everything for her, even paid her rent for a few months when her acting jobs were few and far between. We were together for just over a year when Eva had enough and refused to let me cast Toni in any more of our productions. Evie and I had a huge fight about it, but I knew she was right. Once Toni found out she wasn't getting anymore work out of us she started pulling away from me. It was gradual but noticeable. She just stopped being around," I paused and gritted my teeth and the old familiar anger washed over me.

"Fuck Spencer that's messed up, you deserve so much more than that!" Ashley practically shouted.

I laughed humourlessly, "Yeah I know that now. It turned out that Toni had been cheating on me throughout our relationship whenever she thought someone could help her get a break. It all came out very publicly at an awards show where I was being honoured for my contribution to the Gay and Lesbian entertainment community in L.A. One of Toni's many lovers thought is appropriate to tell me about her many affairs. Needless to say Toni and I got into a huge screaming match on the red carpet and there may have been a slap or two. It was a fucking disaster."

"Yeah I heard about that when it happened," Ashley admitted softly.

I just laughed, "Yeah you and just about everyone else in the L.A. area heard about that little confrontation. Toni hasn't worked in a long time, pretty much since we split up and that's why she called and was coming onto me at Gray's, she wants me to get her work. That woman thinks only of herself and it just took me a long time to recognise that."

"Well I'm glad you did. You are a gorgeous, intelligent, talented, funny, kind woman who deserves only the best from a partner. Toni is an idiot if she didn't know what a good thing she had while she was with you," Ashley smiled shyly and I blushed.

"Thank you," I smiled at her as she gazed at me from under her long, luscious lashes. My God she was so beautiful.

"You're very welcome. So tell me something was Toni your first serious girlfriend?" Ashley asked with a curious grin.

I tilted my head as I thought about it, "No she wasn't. I think my first serious girlfriend was a girl named Lucy. I met her in senior year of high school and we got together after being friends for like a month. She was a freshman at UCLA and was helping out at my school with the special film class they were running, it was an extra credit thing for her. Lucy was funny and smart and she opened me up to a new world. She was my first girlfriend and we were together for the rest of senior year and right through my freshman year of college at UCLA. I had a lot of firsts with Lucy and she was there for me when I came out to the entire school about half way through senior year. I had already come out to my parents and close friends at about 14 years old." I smiled fondly as I thought about her, Lucy had meant a lot to me.

"Sounds like she was pretty special, what happened?" Ashley asked curiously, perhaps with a tiny flickering of jealousy.

"Well we wanted different things and as much as we cared about one another we knew we weren't meant to be. We broke up on good terms and are still friends. Luce lives in Boston now and we still talk from time to time. Her and her partner Delilah have just had a baby boy," I said with a grin.

Ashley beamed and laughed, "Is it wrong that I'm glad she has a partner so I don't have to worry about her sweeping you off your feet?"

I giggled, "No, I think I'd feel the same. So are there any exes of yours I should know about?" I quirked my eyebrow as I smirked at her.

"Well there have been a few girls, but no one serious in a long time. I told you I came out to my friends and family at fifteen? Well after that I dated a girl named Alyssa for almost two years and then we split when she moved away for college, she was a year older than me. Um after Alyssa I will admit I kind of slept around a lot. Fuck this is so not the kind of thing you tell a girl you're into," Ashley muttered as she shook her head.

I smiled in understanding, "Maybe not to a girl you pick up in a bar just to screw and never see again, but with someone you intend to see again this kind of honesty is kinda part of the deal."

Ashley smiled shyly at me, "So you intend to see me again?"

"Yeah I'd like that. I have to ask you though, how have you kept your sexuality secret from the media, I mean there has been quite a lot of stuff about you out there and no one has caught onto the fact that you don't so much like the boys?" I asked tilting my head with confusion.

"How do you know there has been stuff about me in the media Miss Carlin?" Ashley asked with a smirk.

I blushed and mumbled an answer, "I may have, uh googled you."

Ashley chuckled and nodded, "Yeah I kinda googled you too so no need to feel embarrassed Spence."

I raised my eyes to meet hers, "Seriously you googled me? What did you find out, just out of interest?"

"Wait haven't you ever googled yourself Spence? Wow girl you really need to get on that!" Ashley teased with a smirk.

I laughed, "Well not all of us have to feed their giant egos Miss Davies."

Ashley pretended to look offended before she started laughing too, "Touché Carlin, touché."

"So tell me about you, something that I wouldn't have learnt from my google search?" I asked with a coy smile.

"Well…um I have an obsession with DVDs. I swear I have the largest collection of DVDs known to man, Blockbuster has nothing on me! So many people assume that since I'm the daughter of a rock star and a musician myself that all I do is go out partying and doing drugs, but that is so not me," Ashley answered before she reached out to tuck some strands of blonde hair behind my ear. "So what about you Miss director, tell me something my google search wouldn't have uncovered."

"Ok, um I have a tattoo…"Ashley cut me off by laughing loudly.

"Uh I said something I wouldn't know from my google search, baby you tattoo was one of the first things I read about you. If memory serves you have a vine on the back of your neck, that goes down in between your shoulder blades. I hope to see that tattoo in all its glory one day," Ashley said with a smirk. I just blushed. "So come on Carlin you still have to tell me something.

I sighed and thought for a moment, "Um well…shit I don't know…uh the first film I ever made was a documentary about my Dad. I was eight and I followed him around for an entire day with my parent's camcorder. It was one of the most fun days I ever had." I smiled sadly, which Ashley picked up on.

"Is there more to that story? I mean you don't have to say if you don't want to," Ashley asked tentatively.

"Um no it's ok. Well about a year after that day my older, adopted brother Clay died. He and my Mom were driving home from school, my other brother Glen and I were both staying later at school doing extracurricular activities, when a man in an SUV ran a red light and hit my Mom's car. Clay was killed on impact and my mother has never forgiven herself for it. My family has never been the same. Clay was nine, almost ten and the kindest boy you'd ever meet. He was adopted when he was four, so I was two. Losing him destroyed my family. I guess that's something google wouldn't tell you about me," I said with a sad smile.

Ashley moved closer to me and pulled me into her arms, I willing let her embrace me finding comfort in her. "Spencer I'm so sorry, that's awful. I know when I lost my Dad it changed my family too, so I get it," Ashley said with a sympathetic expression on her face.

"I read that you lost your Dad when you were eighteen, that would have been so hard," I murmured softly.

"Yeah it was, I still miss him everyday and in a months time it will be ten years since he passed away. He is the reason I am so determined to make this music thing work. I want to make my Dad proud of me," Ashley admitted, shyly.

"Ashley I bet he is so damn proud of you and I know that your music is going to touch people. Wow this conversation turned really deep!" I said with a soft smile.

"Yeah it did, I don't remember a time when I have ever felt so comfortable talking about all this stuff with someone, you Spencer Carlin are one amazing woman," Ashley said with a smirk.

"Right back at ya Davies," I happened to glance over at the clock on my wall and almost had an aneurism when I saw it was after midnight, especially considering I had a video shoot to do in the morning because Sunday was the only day we could get access to the location I wanted. "Ash I'm so sorry to have to cut this short but I have a video shoot at 7am tomorrow morning," I said, my voice full of regret.

"7 am on a Sunday! Wow Carlin that is dedication for you!" Ashley teased.

I rolled my eyes, "Oh I know, and let me assure you I am being well compensated for it!"

"I should hope so, but no worries I'll get out of your hair because I'm assuming this whole 'take it slow' thing means no sleepovers right off the bat?" Ashley said with a cheeky grin.

I laughed and got to my feet, dragging her with me, "You'd be right there, but I would like to see you again if that's ok, I mean I know I have to see you again for work, but I'd like to see you sometime when we can leave Evie and Ethan behind." I blushed at my rambling and bit my lower lip.

Ashley grinned at me and replied, "Well that sounds good to me, how about you come around to my place tomorrow night and I'll cook for you, or order in take out which may be safer."

By this stage we'd reached my front door, I opened it and leaned against the frame as Ashley stood just outside the door. "I'd love to. Uh I guess this is good night then?"

"Yeah it is, you think I could get a good night kiss Miss Carlin?" Ashley teased.

I pretended to think about it for a moment before I leaned in and crashed our lips together in a hungry, yet sweet kiss. I felt her hands on my hips as mine circled her back and pulled her body into mine. We kissed until we were both breathless and then Ashley stepped out of my arms.

"Sweet dreams Spencer, I'll see you tomorrow," She murmured, her voice raspier from our kisses.

"Good night Ash," I murmured back, my own voice husky. I watched her as she got in her car and drove off down my street. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face, even though deep down I felt a small amount of doubt creeping in. I was scared of what keeping us a secret would mean…I guess I just had to wait and see.

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**So do you forgive me for the cliff hanger in the last chapter? Am I safe from the sharp sticks?**


	9. Starting Something

**Thank you for all the wonderful reviews (see end of chapter for my response)**

**Usual disclaimer, SoN not mine and yes I am sad about it**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Nine – Starting Something**

I walked onto the set of our latest music video production the next morning to find a rather hung-over Eva chugging a jumbo Starbucks coffee like it was water. As soon as she saw me she came barreling over, "Was it your idea to film at fucking 7am on a Sunday morning Carlin? Coz if it was I may have to kill you and not in a nice, quick way like a gun, I'll have it kill you in like a messy way like paper cuts or something."

I laughed and gave her a beaming smile, "Well good morning to you too Evie."

Eva paused and looked at me suspiciously, "Wait a minute why the hell are you so fucking cheerful, you're so happy it makes me think you ate a Care Bear or something…wait a second," You could so see the wheels turning in Eva's head as she put it all together, "Your dinner with Ashley last night! That's why you're beaming like you downed a bottle of Prozac, you totally got LAID last night didn't you!"

I shook my head and chuckled, "No Evie I didn't, can't a girl just be in a good mood?"

"Maybe a _girl_ can, rarely at 7am on a fucking Sunday but it could happen, you Miss Carlin are a moody bitch more often than not so for you to show up to work with a shit-eating, I just had lots of loud kinky sex smile then I know something must be up. So are you gonna spill?" Eva said crossing her arms over her chest in her 'I'm not taking any shit' pose.

I groaned in frustration, "Fine, fine I'll tell you, but you have to promise that you won't say a word to anyone, ok?" Eva nodded solemnly. "Ok, well Ashley came around last night, um we talked a lot, cleared up a few things." I said with a shy grin.

"And…what's the deal? What's with all the mind games she's been putting you through?" Eva asked as people started setting up around us, we had a good crew who could be relied on to get the work done.

"It's kind of complicated Evie. The thing is, we were right she is gay, very much so in fact, but she has been asked to keep it quiet until her album is released and she gets a bit of an established fan base," I explained quietly, I didn't want anyone overhearing. I can just imagine how it would go down if the day after she outs herself to me Ashley ends up on the cover of a tabloid. I think that would ruin our little mutual attraction thing we got going on.

"Fuck! Seriously?" On my nod Eva continued, "So what does that mean for you two after the whole kiss thing, not to mention the flirting and undeniable sexual tension between the two of you? I mean the sexual tension between you guys at the meeting was so strong I was half expected you to throw her on the table and take her right their in front of me and Ethan 'I crush on lesbians' Marks," Eva asked with a frown of confusion.

I giggled a little at her rather accurate name for Ethan, earning me a smirk from my friend. "Well we agreed to see each other, take it slow and see how things pan out. I agreed to keep it between us, I can't say I'm thrilled about this relationship, or whatever it is, being in the closet but I really like this girl so I guess this is the sacrifice I have to make to be with her," I answered with a shrug.

Eva smiled at me with infinite understanding, "Spence I know how you feel about hiding relationships, I know you hate hiding who you are, but this is about Ashley and what she needs. If what she needs right now is to be in the closet then I think you need to let her. I know you care about her, I can't remember ever seeing a girl get under your skin like this before, so if want my advice I say go with it. You don't want to be kicking yourself in like ten years for not being with the hot rocker chick."

I laughed, Eva always made me feel better, it was a gift of hers and one of the reasons I had kept her around for so long. "Thanks Reynolds, you are as always the voice of reason," I said with a teasing grin.

Eva slung an arm around my shoulder, "yeah I know, I am awesome! Now let's get to work because I am assuming you have a date with a gorgeous brunette later, am I right?"

I just nodded, a blinding smile on my lips. Eva laughed and led me over to the camera monitor so we could get to work.

After a full day of dealing with some sixteen year old diva who everyone thinks will be the next Brittany Spears, just minus the whole crazy head shaving thing, I was more than ready to get home and get ready for my dare I call it a date with Ashley.

I bolted off the set as soon as I could, leaving Eva to organise the crew and equipment, yeah I am a lousy business partner, but in my defense Eva did threaten me with bodily harm if I didn't leave. Eva is one scary woman so I ran for it.

Anyway I got home in record time and jumped in the shower to try and wash away the drama of the day. This damn singer, Lilah, was a freaking nightmare. Nothing seemed to please her and the fucking dance moves she insisted on using would have looked more at home in a strip joint! It was practically porn and I have to say I was not impressed that my name was going to be attached to this piece of shit music video.

I was feeling much more relaxed once I climbed out of the shower. I dried myself off and slipped on underwear and a silk robe so I could go and start the arduous task of deciding what to wear for my first _real_ date with Ashley. I had no idea what look to go for, all I knew was that I wanted to look hot.

I think I rummaged through my wardrobe about five times, tried on about fifteen outfits and twelve pairs of shoes before I settled on what to wear. I figured you never go wrong with a little black dress so slipped on a halter-neck black silk dress that fell to just above my knees and left much of my back exposed. I opted to leave my hair out, falling straight against my shoulders so that the blonde contrasted against my deep tan. I slid on a pair of black gladiator sandals and a thick gold bangle before finishing off the look with just a touch of make up, mostly just black eyeliner.

I transferred all my necessary items into a little black clutch and picked up a bottle of good wine out of my wine rack and headed out to my jeep. I had butterflies the size of small children dancing around in my stomach as I entered Ashley's address into my GPS. I hadn't been this nervous about a date with a girl since I was like fifteen, it was ridiculous.

I parked my car in the underground parking garage at Ashley's building as she had directed me to. Climbing carefully out of the car, I was wearing a fairly short dress, I wandered to the lifts, using the code Ashley had text me to get inside. I was humming softly under my breath when the lift came to a stop on the top floor, yes my rock star lived in a penthouse apartment in one of the swankiest buildings in L.A.. I guess that is what happens when you are the child of rock royalty.

Stepping out of the lift, I felt my feet sink into the thick, luxurious carpet. I fought the urge to kick off my sandals and wiggle my toes in the soft carpeting and walked to her door. Taking a deep, almost shuddering breath I raised my hand and knocked. I heard running footsteps on the other side before the door was thrown open and I literally couldn't breathe as I took in the woman in front of me, she looked spectacular.

"Wow," I breathed and then blushed when I realised what a tool I sounded like. Ashley was wearing a short black skirt with a cherry red, off the shoulder top which showed off generous amounts of silky bronzed skin. On her feet she was wearing black high heels which made her taller than me for a change, I had a few inches on her usually. "Ashley you look amazing," I murmured as I handed over the bottle of wine I'd brought.

Ashley beamed and let her eyes trail up and down my body. If a guy had done that to me I'd be offended and probably would have slugged him and/or rendered him incapable of reproducing, but from Ashley it just left me tingling all over. "Thank you, so do you Spence. Come on in," Ashley opened the door wider and I walked into the huge apartment.

It was tastefully decorated with a pretty modern feel. The floors were a dark wood with a muted grey colour on the walls. The furnishings were mostly in blacks and greys with warm reds and oranges evident in the accessories. I followed Ashley through the entrance hall and into a huge open plan living room, kitchen and dining area. It was massive and damn impressive.

"Damn Ashley, this place is incredible!" I gushed as my eyes flicked around the room trying to take it all in.

"Thanks, maybe if you're extra special nice to me I'll give you a proper tour later," Ashley said with a smirk as she walked over to the kitchen area. I followed her, unable to tear my eyes away from her swinging hips. Ashley stopped suddenly and smirked even wider when she caught me staring.

"Uh um, so what are we having for dinner?" I asked in a desperate attempt to distract her from catching me staring at her ass.

Ashley smiled knowingly, fully aware of what I was trying to do, "Well seeing as I am not the greatest cook I was thinking we could order in? There is a great little Japanese place down stairs that doesn't usually deliver but will send up anything we want, sound good?"

"Yeah sounds perfect," I murmured distractedly as I stepped closer to her. It had been almost twenty hours since I'd last felt her lips on mine so as you can imagine I was having pretty serious withdrawals. I flicked my eyes down to her lips, which were turned up in a coy smile, before moving them back up to her eyes which were burning molten brown with desire.

I stepped closer until there was barely an inch of space between us. I was close enough that I could feel her hot breath on my lips. I slowly licked my lips, smirking when I saw her gulp and leaned in to press my lips against hers. I circled her back with my arms and crushed her body against mine as our tongues fought for dominance of the kiss. I felt Ashley's hands slide up from my waist to bury them in my long blonde hair, making me so glad I'd decided to leave it out.

We kissed hungrily and almost desperately until we were forced to break apart due to lack of air. Ashley grinned and moved her hands from my hair to rest on my hips, "Well that was a nice hello Miss Carlin."

I laughed rather breathlessly and tightened my hold on her, "Well it seemed like the polite way to tell you how happy I am to see you Miss Davies."

"Ah yes, polite. You can be 'polite' to me anytime you like Spence," Ashley teased.

I giggled and moved out of her arms to take a seat on her black leather sofa, "So how bout you order that Japanese you were talking about? I have to admit I'm ravenous." I leaned back against the leather and smirked up at her.

Ashley got a look on her face that was almost predatory, not gonna lie it was hot, before she rolled her eyes, grinned and scooped up her cordless phone. After a few seconds she rattled off an order in fluent Japanese. I raised my eyebrow at her and said, "You speak Japanese? I'm impressed Davies."

Ashley hung up the phone and moved to sit beside me, "Well I'm a fountain of talent Carlin." I chuckled and shook my head.

"Is modesty one of your talents?" I teased.

"Oh absolutely, can't you tell?" Ashley murmured cheekily as she scooted closer to me on the soft leather of the sofa. I giggled and looked down at my hands, suddenly very aware of how much I wanted to kiss the woman in front of me. I think Ashley picked up on where my mind had wandered to, because she grinned slyly at me and moved across the sofa until she was pressed against me.

I felt jolts of electricity in every place her body touched mine and I never wanted it to stop. Ashley reached up and tenderly cupped my cheek in her hands, her thumb lightly stroking my cheek as she gazed into my eyes.

"My God you are so beautiful Spencer," Ashley murmured just as she pressed her lips against mine. I moaned into the kiss and she took that opportunity to slide her tongue into my mouth, making me moan again. I tangled my fingers in her wild curls and pulled her down on top of me as I leaned back into the sofa.

Ashley lay her body down on mine, making me tingle all over with the sensation of our bodies pressed together. Her hands found my waist and began caressing my stomach through the silk of my dress. My body started writhing under her touch and I have a feeling things might have gotten out of hand, well further out of hand, had her door buzzer not gone off.

Pulling back from me Ashley cursed breathlessly and smiled wryly down at me as she got to her feet. I watched her the whole way to the door, taking in the beauty that was Ashley Davies.

Ashley opened the door and took the food off the delivery guy before passing him some cash. I couldn't help but smile as she talked to him in Japanese before grinning kindly and closing the door. She turned back to face me and beaming made her way back over to the sofa. "Stay right here and I'll grab some plates and drinks, any preference?" She asked.

"Nope whatever you've got is fine thanks," I said with a soft smile. Ashley beamed and headed off to get the necessary items. I leaned back against the sofa and smiled to myself, a week ago had you told me that I would be sitting in this apartment on a date with Ashley Davies I would have called you crazy and laughed in your face and now here I was. It like this surreal dream that I was quite happy to never wake up from.

"I hope that smile on your face is coz you're thinking about me," Ashley said with a smirk as she placed a tray on the coffee table and took her seat beside me on the sofa. I blushed and bit my lower lip, "Maybe it was, but I'm not telling," I teased.

Ashley chuckled, "Oh so that's how you're gonna play it, ok Carlin. I guess you don't want any of this delicious sushi then?"

"Oh come on now, that's just mean," Ashley just shrugged her smirk never leaving her lips. "Alright, alright, yes I was thinking about you, pretty much since the second you walked into the conference room at Marks Records on the day of our first meeting I have been thinking about you," I confessed shyly, staring down at the coffee table scared I'd said too much.

I felt her fingers gently take hold of my chin and tilt my face so she could look me in the eyes. Her smirk was gone and in its place was a smile so tender it made my heart race. "Me too Spence, I have been thinking about you constantly. I feel like I'm drowning in you Carlin and I have to say I don't mind in the slightest," Ashley murmured.

I slowly licked my lips, loving the way her eyes darkened at that, and leaned in to capture her lips in a heated kiss. I felt her start to push me gently back towards the sofa, making me smirk against her lips and push her back, "tut tut, I don't think so Davies, I confessed so that means I get sushi." I chuckled at the incredulous look on her gorgeous face. "Aw don't worry Baby, you play your cards right and you just might get to top me yet," I teased. Ashley blushed a spectacular crimson and her breathing noticeably hitched.

I have to admit I loved that I could do that to her.

Ashley sat forward on the sofa and handed me a plate, "Wow I think it just got really hot in here Spence." I laughed and picked up my chop sticks so I could dig into the mouthwatering selection in front of me.

We ate in comfortable silence. I liked that Ashley wasn't one of those people who felt the need to fill every little silence with pointless chatter. It wasn't necessary and annoyed the shit out of me. Once the food was gone, and it was the best sushi I have ever had, we got a few beers and moved back to the sofa.

I reclined a little on the arm and caught Ashley's eyes running down my body, making me feel like I was on fire. I had never had someone make me feel like that with just a look. I couldn't explain what I was feeling for the remarkable brunette woman, all I knew was that I wanted these feelings to continue.

Ashley dragged her eyes back up my body and met my eyes, "You are truly the most beautiful women I have ever seen." It was said with the utmost seriousness and it made me start to tremble. No one had ever said those words to me quite like that before.

Ashley caught the subtle tremor of my body and scooted up the sofa to take me in her arms, "Spence you're shaking, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, trust me, nothing is wrong at all," I murmured against her chest. I felt her sigh as she began rubbing soothing circles on my back.

In that moment nothing at all could possibly be wrong as long as I was in her arms.

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**I have to say you guys are awesome! You reviews make me smile so keep em coming! Oh and thanks so much!**

Coachkimm, ilovemyself26, amorvacio22, LoveAsh87, Mindgamesgoodorbad – Thanks heaps

2bz2breading – Oh I agree, I think being in a relationship with a closeted person would be a unique form of torture, but I was writing what Spencer was feeling, not what I was feeling. Thanks for the review

mutt009 – Thanks, I like not getting stabbed. Yeah Spencer has a tattoo, it's actually the same one I am hoping to get tattooed on myself this weekend

WillowOn3 – Oh thanks, I get my chocolate back! But wait what is that strange bite-mark looking thing…hmmm did you steal some of it?! lol, yeah not too slow. Yay for class being over

uluvme – Hmm Spashley bondage time…maybe in a later chapter lol. I kinda love Eva too and will try and include her as much as I can

.HEART – Thanks I like being safe from weapons. Thanks, I enjoyed writing chapter 8 with all the sweet banter between them. I hope you enjoy the rest of the fic

somthgIlike2do – Great, I like being safe. I agree Spencer's reasons are totally legit, its just a question of is it worth it for her to be in a relationship that has to be kept secret?

FadeToLife – Thanks! Ashley's DVD addiction is actually my addiction lol I have an obsession with DVDs

drummergirl244 – thanks so much. I wanted to do a little back story on the girls so this was a good opportunity. Lol I'll think twice before doing another cliffhanger…that's not to say I wont do one, but I'll think twice first lol

MrsMusgraveTNG – Great, I don't like incurring your wrath lol. Yeah I like that tat so I thought I'd let her have it again (Spencer also has the same tat in Fear Itself lol)

DarceLynn – Thanks, I like knowing I'm not going to get lynched with pointy sticks. Ok I'll admit it I have written like 2 chapters in advance for each of my fics but I don't post it all right away. The reason for this is that I don't want to leave you guys hanging for ages should I get writers block so by having some written in advance I can post regularly and take some of the pressure off myself lol


	10. Dose of Reality

**Thank you once again for the wonderful reviews, I am humbled.**

**.HEART – thanks, it was one of those elusive perfect moments. I love Eva too and I plan for her to feature a fair bit**

**mutt009 – Well I guess Ash learnt Japanese while at college lol, she took a language elective. I am all booked in to get my tattoo and while I'm scared I can't wait! I've wanted one for so long. Thanks for the review**

**somthgIlike2do – thanks, Eva is a good friend for Spencer. Spencer is a bit of a tease lol**

**WillowOn3 – Yeah you can have Evie lol, for a little while to help take away all the stress. I so remember the stress of Uni so I understand. Yeah bite marks...I didn't care I ate my chocolate anyway. Thanks, you are too sweet. I find the time to update by being bad and writing while I'm at work lol**

**drummergirl244 – Ok, ok I'll think multiple times before the usage of cliff hangers. I want to avoid your karate moves**

**uluvme – oh yeah gotta love some Ethan bashing, glad you liked his proper name lol. Spashley are lusting hard core right now**

**DarceLynn – yay for a stickless future! Ok keep it sharpened...just give me warning before you bust it out**

**MrsMusgraveTNG, Mindgamesgoodorbad, LoveAsh87 & bethers85 – Thanks so much!**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Ten – Dose of Reality**

It had been three weeks, three long glorious weeks of, I guess you could call it, dating Ashley Davies. We had been spending a lot of time together since our first date and talking on the phone every day, sometimes more than once. She could make me feel things with just a look, just a word that no one else had ever been able to inspire in me. I was falling hard and fast for this girl, and it should have scared me but strangely it didn't.

Eva was rather enjoying my 'love-sickness' as she termed it, and took every opportunity to tease me mercilessly for how mushy she thought I was being. I know that despite the teasing, she was actually happy for me. After what had happened with Toni, Eva had been trying to find someone who she deemed 'suitable' for me. I think Ashley met her requirements, I know she certainly met mine. I know I had felt happier in the last few weeks than I had in a really long time.

Our first date went down as the best first date I had ever experienced…the worst being the girl who took me to her cat's birthday party and made me dress up as a clown to entertain the feline guests, I think it's a little redundant to tell you that there wasn't a second date. A close second was the girl who actually took me to a funeral on our first date…that was certainly a mood killer.

Ashley and I had sat up talking…and yes making out, until the early hours of the morning. We talked about everything and anything. It was bizarre how comfortable I already felt around her. I can honestly say that has never happened in any of my other relationships. I could tell her things that I had only ever told Eva, and I told Eva everything.

I ended up leaving her apartment at about 3am with a nice new hickey on my neck and promises that we would do it again, promises she had more than fulfilled. Although I was getting slightly fed up with always meeting at her place or mine, all the secrecy and hiding. I got that she wanted to keep us a secret but it was hard. Oh well, the benefits of being with her, how happy she made me, more than made up for the difficulty in keeping us a secret.

I breezed into the office dressed to impress and with three large cups of Starbucks Coffee. I had an important meeting that morning and wanted to look good so I was wearing a black spaghetti strapped top that was fitted to all my curves and a pair of tailored dark blue jeans. The top had a modestly low neckline that hinted at the cleavage underneath and highlighted the swell of my breasts. I was teetering around in black pumps and had my hair up in a ponytail, leaving my neck and upper back bare to show off of my tattoo.

I grinned as I walked through the reception area and handed one of the coffees to our receptionist, Hilary, and then practically skipped down the hall to Eva's office, which was no mean feet given that I was wearing four inch heels.

"Good morning my lovely BFF, how are you this beautiful morning?!" I called out in a sing-song voice as I walked into the shorter blonde's office. Eva looked up from her computer and beamed when she saw the Starbuck's in my hand.

"Ok Carlin pass over the 'Bucks and I'll ignore your Brady-Bunch-like cheeriness," Eva said in a mock menacing voice. I giggled and handed over the cup of steaming coffee. Eva took a deep breath in, soaking in the delicious smell of the fresh brew before drinking from the cup and moaning in pleasure, "Oh my God 'Bucks coffee is better than sex!" she exclaimed, making me snort with laughter, yeah I snorted …attractive I know.

"If you really believe that then you have been having sex with the wrong people Evie," I teased, getting me a glare and the finger in response.

"Shut up Carlin, it's a figure of speech! Jesus!" Eva laughed and rolled her eyes, "So are you ready for our 9am meeting? It's not going to be too big of a challenge for you is it?" Eva asked with a knowing grin.

I smiled wryly as I took a seat on the tan leather sofa in Eva's office, "I think I'll be fine Evie, but thanks so much for your concern."

"You sure? This will be the first 'professional' meeting you have had with Ashley since you two…uh got to know each other in the biblical sense," Eva teased, complete with finger quotes when she said professional.

"Yes! It will be fine. And for the record we haven't slept together," I replied.

"Yet," Eva muttered slyly, arching an eye brow at me and smirking rather evilly. I just rolled my eyes and finished my coffee before getting to my feet.

"You Reynolds have a one track mind, and now I'm going to get ready for this meeting," I said haughtily, making Eva crack up and shake her head. I flashed her a beaming smile and headed out to my office to make sure I was prepared for the meeting with Ethan and Ashley.

Sitting at my desk I couldn't wipe the smile off my face as I thought of the brunette woman who was effortlessly taking over my each and every thought (both sleeping and awake I'll have you know). I pulled out my folder full of the work pertaining to Ashley's video and skimmed over my notes and work done to date. Things were progressing nicely, despite how distracted I had been over the past week.

At exactly ten minutes to nine I dashed out of my office and down to the meeting room to ensure everything was set up and ready for the meeting that was due to take place. I'll admit my 'setting up' also involved a trip to the bathroom to check on my outfit and make-up. What? I can't help it, if you had Ashley Davies coming to your work place I bet you'd put in an effort too!

Eva did however catch me primping in the bathroom and just laughed while rolling her eyes and shaking her head, a bit of overkill I think. I was just walking back into the meeting room when I heard Hilary leading Ethan and Ashley to the room.

I not so subtly added a little sway to my walk, well aware that Ashley was behind me, and sauntered into the meeting room and walked around to my seat. I slipped on my black framed glasses, because Ashley had told me she thought I looked hot in them, and opened my folder before turning to face the door as they walked in.

I flashed them a warm smile of welcome and walked around the table to greet them. "Hello Ethan, Hi Ashley, it's a pleasure to see you both," I said softly, staring at the brunette rock star. God she looked so damn beautiful. She was wearing a pair of dark blue jeans with black motorcycle boots with a black cut off vintage band tee. Her hair was out in loose curls and a pair of large sunglasses sat perched on her head. She looked casual, yet hot and it was taking all my restraint not to drool and/or jump her.

"Hey Spence," Ethan said pulling me into another of his rather inappropriate hugs, where I swear to God his hand grazed my ass. I wanted to deck him, but for the sake of being professional and keeping a client, I refrained. I looked over his shoulder and caught smouldering brown eyes gazing at me with a look of longing and some anger and jealousy at the way Ethan was man handling me. I would have much rather been in Ashley's warm embrace, I think it's safe to say I wouldn't mind being manhandled by Ashley Davies.

I stepped back out of his arms and gave him a cold smile before turning to Ashley and leaning in to kiss her on the cheek in greeting. I think she pre-empted my intentions because the next thing I know she had taken a step back and grabbed my hand in an awkward hand shake. Frowning slightly I took my hand back and accepted her less than enthusiastic greeting.

Eva came into the room next and greeted both of them with a hug for Ethan and a kiss on the cheek for Ashley, which she allowed much to my irritation. "Ok how about we get right to work?" Eva asked as she took her seat at the table. I said nothing as I settled down in my seat and adjusted my glasses.

I glanced up and tried to catch Ashley's eyes only to have her deliberately avoid my gaze, which confused me. I know she wanted to keep us, whatever we were, a secret but this was ridiculous. If anything her standoffish behaviour was going to make people suspicious, not to mention it kind of hurt my feelings.

"Well we wanted to talk to you both about something. The label is thinking of post boning the video release by about a month or so to coincide with the new release date of the single and album, so that will also mean we want to push back the shooting dates so we can do some publicity stuff with Ash," Ethan explained.

I felt my eyebrows shoot up into my hairline and stared at both of them incredulously as Ashley purposefully avoided my eyes. I couldn't fucking believe it, now we were going to have to sneak around for even longer! The video, album and single were originally due for release in three weeks time and then I figured it would only be like a month or so before we could go public and now they're telling me it will be an extra month on top of that. Oh and on the professional front they were really screwing things up. We had a tentative shooting schedule organised, actors pretty much cast and locations booked, I'd even started working on costumes with a friend of mine who was a designer.

I sighed loudly and smoothed my hand over my hair as I glanced over at Eva who was looking pretty annoyed. She was the one who had done the schedule and booked locations, Ethan had just doubled her work load. Eva looked over at me and our eyes locked, her expression changed to one of sympathy as she read what I was thinking. She knew how much I hated hiding who I was and my relationships. It went against everything I believed in.

Ethan caught the look passing between me and Eva and quickly started speaking again, "I know this is so inconvenient for you guys and will cause a fair bit of work for you and I'm sorry for that, but the label feels that by pushing the launches back a month it will enable us to get some good publicity done and build some buzz before we release all this. We feel this is best for Ashley's career and we will compensate you for the trouble."

I rolled my eyes at his assumption that throwing money at this was going to make it all better. I looked down at the table and slowly slid off my glasses before forcing a smile onto my face and looking up. I purposefully avoided Ashley gaze, as she had been avoiding mine since she'd walked in, and stared at Ethan, "You know this conversation could have happened over the phone and saved us all some time and saved Eva and I the effort we put into the work we did preparing for today's meeting. Ethan this is not a good precedent to set. Are you aware I turned down work in order to do this shoot? So thank you very much, this has cost me business. Seeing as we are not going to be filming next week there is no point in continuing this meeting so if you'll excuse me."

I climbed to my feet and stormed out of the room ignoring Ethan's mumbled apology and attempt to get me to stay. I felt bad leaving Eva in there, but I knew if I didn't get out I'd start yelling. This was kind of how we worked anyway, I was the temperamental artist and Eva was the even-headed business woman. I stormed down the hall to my office and slammed the door hard before I started pacing up and down in front of my desk.

I was mad, no doubt about it. I was mad at Ethan and Marks Records for not telling us of their plans sooner and I was so beyond mad at Ashley for not telling me herself, when I was certain she had known before this mornings meeting. I was also hurt by the way she wad been acting, I wasn't asking her to straddle me in public or anything but it would be nice if she could at least act friendly or even _civil_ towards me.

I had pretty much worked myself up into a frenzy of anger and hurt when there was a tentative knock on my office door. I grunted something that could have been interpreted as 'come in,' but was really more like, 'fuck off and die.' The door opened slowly and Ashley stepped into the room, closing the door securely behind her, which just made me sneer, _can't have anyone walking in and catching us now can we?_ I thought to myself.

She leaned back against the smooth wood of the door and just looked at me, her expression impossible to decipher. I rolled my eyes and continued pacing, my irritation and anger needing a physical outlet. After a few minutes of silence I stopped pacing and turned to face her, "So are you going to say anything or just stare at me?" I snapped.

Ashley sighed and pushed herself off the door to walk towards me. I crossed my arms over my chest and frowned at her. Ashley smiled at me and I had to fight the urge to smile back, which I know she caught judging by how her smile widened. She stopped mere inches from me and looked up into my eyes, "You know you're hot when you get pissed off Spence," she whispered seductively.

I shook my head and took a step back so I could perch on the edge of my desk, "Not going to work Ash. You can't just tell me I'm hot and expect this all to go away, not after what just happened in there."

Ashley looked down at the ground and sighed before raising her eyes to meet mine, "I'm sorry ok, this isn't easy for me you know."

I scoffed and shook my head, "Well it's not exactly a picnic for me either. This is why I don't date people I work with, I should have learnt my lesson with Toni."

"Oh fuck you Spencer! Don't you dare compare me to that…_thing_ you were seeing! I know this situation is messed up, and it just got a lot more so, but we've just got to work through it," Ashley said, trying to control her temper.

"Fine I'm sorry, this situation is nothing like what went down with Toni, I know that. It's just, well not to sound all needy and clingy, but would it have killed you to at least be civil towards me in that fucking meeting?" I snapped, brushing my hair back from my face and scowling.

"We're supposed to be keeping this a secret Spence, you know that and you agreed to it," Ashley began before I cut her off.

"Oh yeah I agreed to it, I just didn't realise that it would mean that in public you'd treat me like a stranger who stepped on your toe. You do realise that by being so standoffish with me this morning you probably made Ethan suspicious?" I asked, still frowning at her.

"I don't know Spence, it's hard to know how to act…hang on a second, why would I just make Ethan suspicious? Why not Eva?" I must have looked guilty because a look of realisation spread across her face and she glared at me, "You told her."

I lowered my head and said nothing, I had no idea what to say. "Damn it, look at me Spencer!" Ashley snapped. I raised my eyes to meet hers and found her looking at me accusingly. "How could you tell her Spencer? How could you when I specifically asked you not to tell anyone?!"

"First of all I tell Eva everything, she is my best friend, my family, and secondly this has been hard on me and I needed to talk to someone. I hate hiding this…relationship or whatever this _thing_ is between us, I hate it and I needed to talk to her about that. I needed someone to help keep me sane through all this. I needed her Ashley. I am feeling things for you that I have never felt before and having to hide it goes against everything I believe in, but I do it because the alternative of not being with you is a reality I don't want to face. I will hide us until your label gives you the go ahead to out yourself, but I will not hide us from my best friend. I can't and I won't," I stopped my rant, breathing heavily and blinking to keep the tears that were filling my eyes from falling.

Ashley smiled sadly at me and stepped forward to cup my cheek in her palm, "Ok Baby, I'm sorry. I've been ridiculous. I get how hard this is for you and I hate hiding us as well. If you need to talk to Eva about it then do, but please remember to talk to me as well."

I nodded and gave her a little smile before a frown settled over my face again, "Just one more thing Ash, why didn't you tell me about the video being post boned sooner? You knew I had passed up work for this shoot and you knew that post boning the video would mean you and me existing in the proverbial closet for longer. I guess I just don't understand how you didn't tell me."

Ashley sighed and dragged over a chair so she could sit in front of me and rest her hands on my thighs, "I was wondering when you were going to ask me that. The thing is Spencer I am trying hard to keep our private life separate from our working one and I was asked not to say anything until the plan was finalised. I'm sorry you lost work because of this, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

I shook my head, "No you can't. I get that you want to keep us separate from our working relationship, but even on a professional level this is just not ok. One of the jobs I turned down was guest directing on a television show, do you have any idea what that could have done for me? The opportunities that gig could have opened up? Not to mention the face that I need the work so that I can finance the independent film I want to start production on. Ashley the fact is that our professional life is going to have impacts in our private life, that's just reality."

"I'm sorry Spence, I guess I'm still trying to figure all this out. Please Baby can we just get out of here and go to your place or something so we can talk? Please Spencer?" Ashley asked, her big brown eyes boring into mine.

I nodded and stood up pulling her to her feet before dragging her into my arms. "Ok I have some work to finish up here, some meetings and editing to do, but can you meet me at my place at seven?" I murmured into her silky curls.

"Yeah I can do that. I really am sorry Spencer," Ashley murmured back.

"I know Sweetheart, I know. We just need to talk and figure this thing out. Just know that I am crazy about you and I want to make this work," I whispered.

Ashley lifted her head from my shoulder and looked deeply into my eyes, "Me too Baby, me too." I felt my breath hitch as she leaned in and captured my lips in a tender kiss full of passion and longing.

Holding her in my arms, feeling my lips dance with hers, I felt certain that things were going to be alright.

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	11. Making Up

**Hope you all had a great Easter.**

**Thank you for the reviews, you are incredible.**

DarceLynn – Oh no, no more pointy sticks! Yay I saved myself lol

Elly1212 – Thanks, that's sweet of you to say. Yeah it is tough on them to hide their relationship, we'll see what happens

shayer – Thanks, I love Eva too. Yeah Spencer is a bog ole softie and no matter how angry or upset Ash still makes her want to smile. Secret relationships are tough on everyone.

somthgIlike2do – Hehe, yeah Ethan and the label are trouble makers. I like your theories

LoveAsh87 – Thanks, I love them together too but it's true what they say, the past of true love never runs smoothly.

drummergirl244 – I kinda like a mad Spencer too. Glad you didn't see the postponing coming, I like surprising you guys. Ah true, you wouldn't hurt me!

uluvme - Oh yeah Spencer's dating history is like a who's who of human crap. I agree, Eva's one track mind is just part of her charm. LOL manhandled by Ashley Davies…I'd say that's a good place. I don't think you right too much, please continue with your awesome reviews!

slushhy – Oh wow are not going to like me in a few chapters lol

2bz2breading – I agree completely. I won't date women I work with or closeted women, too complicated and ultimately leads to heart break. I think this Ashley has a lot of fears and insecurities which are holding her back.

MrsMusgraveTNG – Me? Toss in another argument? Would I do that? Hehe ok so I totally would, but you'll have to see what I do. Ethan is a bastard. Thanks rock Star!

Mutt009 – My tat is getting done tomorrow night, I'm nervous/excited lol…its gonna hurt! Yep Spence just can't catch a break.

WillowOn3 – so true, there is not much good in a secret relationship. I agree, I think both girl's sides are understandable to a degree, but I feel for Spencer. Oh wow Ethan better behave himself lol. Yeah you rock!

.HEART – Thanks!

**Usual disclaimer, nothing SoN related is mine**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Eleven ****– Making Up**

When I pulled up to my house that night at twenty to seven, Ashley's sleek black Porsche was already parked out front waiting for me. I couldn't help the smile that graced my face, no matter the problems we were having, or the fact that I was still ever so slightly pissed off, even the sight of her climbing gracefully out of her car made me feel like every inch of me was on fire.

I grabbed my purse and an arm load of folders full of work I had been slacking off doing since I had been so, um, distracted by Ashley for the past couple of weeks and climbed out of my jeep.

Ashley smiled shyly at me and walked to my side to take my folders from my arms, ever the gentleman…err um _woman_. I smiled gratefully and led the way to my front door. Once we were inside I dropped my purse and grabbed the folders before heading down the hall to drop them off in my office, still not having said a single word to her.

I walked back out into the open living area of my house and found Ashley gazing out of the huge windows that over looked the deck and beach. I took a moment to watch her while she was unawares. She looked almost too beautiful to be real. I felt my breath hitch in my throat as I took in all of her. I felt my anger dissipate, only to be replaced by a burning need to find a way, any way, to be with this amazing woman. We just had to make this work.

I think Ashley must have felt my eyes on her because she turned away from the window and locked her eyes on mine. I took a step towards her and paused, Ashley grinned and covered the distance between us and stopped right in front of me. "So I guess you and I need to talk don't we?" Ashley asked in a soft voice.

I nodded, "Yeah we do Ash. This thing between us, the time we've spent together over the past few weeks has been incredible, indescribably wonderful and I want this to continue, but we have to work out some things."

Ashley sighed and took my hand before dragging me over to my sofa. We settled down on the plush sofa side by side and she gently held my hand in hers. "I know Spence, I know. God these last few weeks with you have been amazing and I want very much for this to continue. I'm sorry for what went down today at the meeting. I've been thinking about it all day and you were right, no matter how much I want to keep our professional and personal relationship separate, that's impossible because for both of us our work is a huge part of who we are. Your love for what you do, your passion and commitment are two of the things that first attracted me to you, besides how completely fucking hot you are." Ashley smirked at me and I chuckled, shaking my head a little.

"Same here. It was partly your passion and drive for your music that I found myself drawn to and I wouldn't want that to change. Our work is important to both of us so I think we have to be realistic about how it is going to effect our time together. Look, I know you have to keep your sexual orientation a secret, I get it, I do, I will keep us a secret while we have to but you have to know that given the choice I would be shouting from the rooftops about this wonderful woman who I am crazy about," I said softly, running my thumb across the back of her hand.

Ashley smiled tenderly, almost bashfully and leaned in to press her lips chastely against my cheek. "I'm sorry I was so weird in the meeting Spence, you were right, by behaving like such a douche bag I probably raised more suspicion than I deflected. I guess I just don't really know how to do this. I hate sneaking around, especially with someone I am falling in love with," Ashley murmured, her breath-taking chocolate eyes never leaving mine.

I bit my lower lip before breaking out into a beaming smile, which she returned. She was falling in love with me, Ashley Davies was falling in love with me. Fuck the world, fuck Ethan, fuck the record label, fuck having to hide this. Ashley Davies was falling in love with me and nothing else in this world mattered to me in that moment.

I leaned forward and caught her lips in a slow, sensual kiss that I hoped relayed all that I felt for her, but wasn't quite ready to say out loud. I felt Ashley smile into the kiss as I lowered her back onto the sofa and hovered above her, not quite letting my body touch hers. Ashley wrapped her arms around my body, her fingers splayed out across my skin where my top left my back bare. I was resting on one hand while my other one was in her hair as I deepened the kiss.

I felt more than heard her moan when our tongues connected, which just made me whimper and my arm shake as it held my body up. Ashley slid her hands down so that they rest on the small of my back and with the gentlest of pressure she lowered me so that my body was pressed completely against hers. Both of us audibly moaned at the feeling of our bodies moulded together. We had made out before, with mass amounts of groping and everything, but this was different and we both knew it. This was leading somewhere, a place I had been longing to go with her but had held back from.

In that moment all the drama and pain of hiding our relationship fell away and all I saw was the woman beneath me and how much I was already in love with her. She consumed me, took me over and I couldn't think of anything I wanted more than to be with her heart, body and soul.

I moved my lips from hers and ran a trail of burning kisses along her jaw and then down her neck, tasting her and getting intoxicated by the woman beneath me. Ashley's hands were everywhere all at once, I could feel her all over me and it was turning me on to a point I had never experienced before. I felt her hands slip up underneath my top and start raising it off my heated skin. I pulled back and rested my forehead on hers breathing heavily.

Ashley looked up at me, breathing just as heavily but with a look on confusion on her face. I smile reassuringly and kissed her tenderly before whispering breathlessly, "Bedroom." Ashley nodded wordlessly and I wrapped her legs around my waist. Her eyes widened in surprise when I got up from the sofa and lifted her in my arms, rather effortlessly if I do say so myself. What can I say, I got mad skills (oh damn I'm even sounding like Eva now… note to self, must find a normal friend!).

Holding Ashley securely in my arms, I carried her down the hall into my huge bedroom, although I did almost trip over the acoustic guitar I have near the door to my room. I laid her down on the bed gently and stood in front of her, my eyes drinking in the magical sight of her lying on my plum coloured bed spread. Her eyes had darkened to almost black and her breathing was still erratic as she lay on the bed waiting for me.

"Are you going to keep staring at me or are you going to join me gorgeous?" Ashley said huskily. I grinned coyly before reaching down and tugging my top over my head. Her eyes darkened even more as they travelled down the length of my body before moving back up to my face and locking with mine.

I popped open the button of my jeans and lowered the zip, leaving them on but open to reveal the black, lacy underwear I had on to match the black bra I was standing in. Ashley inched forward on the bed until she was sitting on the edge. She reached out and took my hips into her hands to pull me closer so that I was standing between her legs. Her eyes never left mine as she dragged her hands from my hips to my shoulders torturously slowly. Once her hands reached my shoulders she slide my bra straps down my arms and covered the bare skin with kisses, nips and licks.

I was in ecstasy. I could feel my entire body reacting to her touch. I closed my eyes and struggled to stay on my feet as she moved her lips down my body, over the tops of my breasts and down to my stomach. She was making me insane.

Finally I couldn't stand not having her skin on mine any longer. I lifted her face up and kissed her hard on the lips before lifting her shirt over her head. I got to my knees with my body still in between her legs and began attacking her neck with my lips. I let my hands roam her body, acquainting myself with this new territory I wanted to claim as only mine.

I worked my lips down over her collar bone and to her breast, making her gasp and writhe under my ministrations. I smirked against her skin and I moved my hands around behind her back and gently unclasped her bra (one handed, thank you very much!). I brought my hands to her shoulders and slid them down her tanned arms, taking her bra with me. Once I had discarded the item of clothing I stared in awe at her beautiful body. She was perfect.

I reverently raised my hands to cup her perfect breast, both of us moaning at the touch. Ashley closed her eyes and arched her body into my hands, her head thrown back. I took the opportunity to drop tender, open mouthed kisses on her exposed throat. As I made my way down her neck to her chest, Ashley slide her hands to my back and quickly freed me of my own bra.

She gently eased me back so that she could look at my now naked torso, much like I had hers. Judging by the look on her expressive face she liked what she saw. Her eyes were locked on me as she whispered almost inaudibly, "beautiful." I felt a blush colour my cheeks as I got to my feet and moved to straddle her lap as she sat on the bed, bringing our naked chests into contact for the first time.

We both gasped and moaned at the sensation before she captured my lips in a desperate hungry kiss that literally took my breath away. Ashley lay back on the bed, bringing me with her so that I was laid on top of her. She buried a hand in my long blonde hair and placed her other one on the small of my back before she rolled us over so that she was lying above me.

She lifted her head and smiled down at me, her eyes expressing words our mouths hadn't quite been able to say yet. I licked my lips and she lowered her lips to mine. Our kiss started off as gentle and sweet, but quickly became hungry and passionate as tongues fought for dominance and hands wandered almost possessively over scorching, over-sensitized skin.

She was everywhere, I felt her touch burning me in the most delicious of ways and I never wanted this to stop. Our movements became hurried, almost frantic as we freed each other of our remaining clothing until we were lying skin to skin on top of the bed covers, both of us gazing at the other in wonder.

I had been with women before, but not one had ever made me feel the emotions and sensations I was feeling now. I felt like I was being taken over by her, and that was perfectly alright with me. Lying there with her on my huge bed everything felt right, like I was exactly where I was supposed to be. It was as though all the drama, the highs and lows of the past had led us to this point and because of that I was grateful for each and every tear and moment of anger and frustration.

Ashley moved her body over mine, the friction of our sensitised skin making for a wonderful mixture of pleasure and pain. Her lips sort out my breast and she captured my left nipple in her mouth, ardently sucking and licking the dusky rose nub to a hardened peak. I arched my body up into her as the pleasure overtook me. I let out a loud moan of unadulterated pleasure and felt her smirk against me before she switched to the other breast. As her mouth took possession of my right nipple, she drew in a breath, the cool air contrasting with the warmth of her mouth, sending shivers of pleasure all through out me.

Ashley began a tender assault down my body. She moved from my breasts to my stomach, taking a moment to swirl her tongue into my navel and then down over my hips to my thighs. She made her way down my legs, purposefully ignoring the place I needed her the most, where I was now aching with want. I writhed beneath her, gasping and whimpering. Forming coherent sentences, or even words, was not an option for me in that moment, I was too far gone on a sea of sensations.

Ashley kissed her way back up my body, her hands teasing and caressing me almost to the point of madness. My back was arching sharply up off the bed as my hands gripped the sheets into my fists. I felt a layer of sweat bathe my body as my eyes slammed shut.

"Spencer open your eyes Baby and look at me," Ashley whispered breathlessly. I opened my eyes to find her hovering over me, her eyes burning black with lust and want. I fought hard to keep my eyes open and locked on hers when all my instincts told me to slam them shut as my body took on a mind of its own and writhed beneath her and her skilful hands.

Ashley smiled tenderly and leaned in to kiss me with the upmost gentleness and love. Her hand made its way down my body and hesitated just below my stomach. She tilted her head slightly, asking my permission to go any further. My answer was an impatient moan that made her smirk and whisper, "I'm taking the hint Darling, don't worry."

Ashley slid her hand down until it met with the evidence of my arousal. She buried her face in my neck and I shivered at the feeling of her hot breath on my skin. Her fingers began tantalising and teasing me until I gasped out, "Please stop teasing me, I can't take any more!"

Ashley smirked and thrust into me, slowly at first and then harder and deeper. I cried out at the movement of her fingers and moved my hands from the sheets to clutch at the sweat slicked skin of her back. I could feel her muscles contracting under my hands with each thrust of her inside me. I felt my eyes roll back into my head as I clutched them tightly shut.

"Baby look at me, I want to see you," Ashley rasped into my ear. I opened my heavily lidded eyes and gazed at her, my mouth open as I panted and moaned. Ashley smiled lovingly down at me as she pushed me closer and closer to the edge.

My body felt like it had a mind of its own as it reacted to her touch. It was like I had no control, all that mattered was the intimacy between us. I felt a tightening in my stomach as my climax built and I gasped out, "So close."

Ashley leaned in and kissed me before moving her lips to my hear and rasping, "let go Spencer, I'm here to catch you." With that and a final deep thrust of her fingers I tumbled over the edge. I screamed out her name as tremors over took my body. Ashley kept moving inside me to prolong my high, while at the same time soothing me with gentle touches and loving kisses.

As I came down I snuggled my face into her neck and pulled her close to me. Ashley slid her fingers from within me and brought them to her lips. I groaned as she slowly and seductively licked them clean. She smirked down at me before leaning in to capture my lips in a hungry kiss. I groaned again when I tasted myself on her tongue.

Ashley rolled onto her back and cradled me against her chest, both of us still breathing heavily and erratically. I felt her kiss the top of my head and then she whispered, "Are you ok Baby?"

I smiled against her chest and nodded, "Sweetheart I am more than ok." We both giggled. We lay in each other's arms for a while, just revelling in the sensation of skin on skin. After a while I began trailing my fingers down her torso, loving the way her muscles contracted under my touch. I ran my fingers down to her inner thighs and then up again, making sure to avoid her centre and her nipples. She had teased me so I figure all is fair.

I rolled over so that I was lying on top of her and pressed my lips against hers in a passionate kiss which quickly became heated and out of control. I felt her hands clutching at my back as I trailed my hands over her body.

I broke our kiss to move my lips down her neck, over her chest and to her breasts, which were rising quickly with her hitched breaths. Before long I had her arching her body up into me as I touched and tasted as much of her as I could. I wanted to make her feel as wonderful as she had made me feel.

Once I felt I had paid enough attention to her perfect breasts I moved down her body, over her abs and dipped my head between her silky thighs. My tongue darted out to taste her, making both of us moan. She tasted like the sweetest nectar on earth and I knew then, without any doubt that she would forever be my favourite flavour.

I started off torturously slowly until she was writhing beneath me and her moans were so loud I was glad I didn't have nearby neighbours. I raised my hand to rest it on her lower stomach to try and settle her thrusting hips, smirking against her as I did. I loved that I was making her react this way, it was building an ache between my legs that was almost unbearable.

Finally the teasing got a bit much for my girl and she panted out, "Please, Spence I need you." I took pity on her and entered her with two fingers while continuing my caresses with my tongue. Ashley cried out and began rocking her hips in time with my movements inside of her. I have to say being inside of her for the first time was so incredible, so amazing that it was practically spiritual.

I added a third finger and increased my efforts as I felt her get closer to the edge. Her cries and moans were getting louder and more desperate. I moved up her body, keeping my fingers working inside of her and kissed her hard on the lips before moving my mouth to her neck and biting down gently. This seemed to send her over the edge. Her body arched harder against me and she screamed out my name (a big ego boost there I must say). I slowed my movements and helped her ride out the waves of her climax until she fell limp against my bed.

I removed my fingers and pulled her against me. Her arms came around my body and she murmured, "Oh fuck that was amazing."

I giggled and whispered, "Thanks Baby, you too." She smiled up at me and snuggled deeper into my arms. I held her for a few minutes and then detangled myself, despite her groans of protest, to pull the sheet and bed covers up over our naked bodies. Once that was done I lay back in my bed and cradled her against my chest, like she had done to me earlier. With the biggest smile on my face I fell asleep with my girl in my arms.

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	12. Superhuman Touch

**I felt like being nice, so here's another update for you.**

**Thanks to all who reviewed on chapter 11, much love to you all!**

LoveAsh87, somthgIlike2do & momo0424 – Thank You!

2bz2breading – I agree with you. A lot was left unsaid, sex doesn't solve anything…as much as we all wish it did. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me!

DarceLynn – Oh yay, retired the pointy stick!

slushhy – oh yeah this did not solve a damn thing for our girls…it was fun to write though!

uluvme – Why thank you, hot was what I was going for. I'll take the speechless as a good thing!

shayer – well if it helps, most of that chapter I wrote at work…it was not a good idea lol. I like a strong Spencer too and you would be right my friend, it was a little too easy for them.

mutt009 – Thanks, I liked writing Spencer's little inner bragings, I felt Eva would have rubbed off on her a bit over the years lol

WillowOn3 – Goal huh? Cool! I always get unsure writing sex scenes so its good to get the positive feedback. I agree I like this kind of making up lol. I'm so sorry I have contaminated your mind and scarred you for life…but don't pretend like you don't love it! lol. Hug right back at ya!

drummergirl244 – Thanks, I struggle writing these types of parts. Well my confidence that you wont hurt me most comes from the fact we live on different continents lol I feel pretty safe and you're too nice to hurt me!

**Usual disclaimer: SoN not mine…I'm sad about it too!**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Twelve ****– Superhuman Touch**

I woke up a few hours later alone in my bed. I stretched my body to ease the soreness from our earlier activities and rolled over to search for my gorgeous brunette. I found her seated at the end of my bed staring out of the window that over looked the ocean. She had my acoustic guitar sitting on her lap, covering her nakedness and the moon light through the window was bathing her in this heavenly glow. She had never looked more beautiful, especially with the sexy after glow she had going on.

I took a moment to memorise everything about her. The smooth lines of her elegant back, the curve of her breasts, the slope of her neck, the wild curls of her hair, all of her utterly captivated me. She was truly the most beautiful woman I had ever known, but what made my heart race with love was the inner beauty she possessed. Ashley Davies was kind, passionate, funny, sweet, tender, fiery, talented (in a fun variety of ways) and so many other things.

I moved out from under the covers and crawled down the bed towards my girl. I took a seat behind her, my legs either side of hers and my naked front pressed against the silky, smooth skin of her back. I wrapped my arms around her waist and rested my chin on her shoulder as I placed gentle kisses on her neck and jaw.

She smiled softly and turned her head to kiss me tenderly on the lips before snuggling back against me. I tightened my hold around her waist and sighed in contentment. This, right there, was one of those elusive perfect moments.

I kissed her neck again and murmured, "What are you doing awake Baby, didn't I wear you out enough? Because if you need more wearing out…"

Ashley laughed, the vibrations of which echoed through her back and into my body, it was kinda awesome. "Oh yeah you did, I was just too overwhelmed to sleep truth be told. I was lying there with you in my arms and I couldn't quite believe that it was real, that we were together. Last night was perfect and I guess I'm scared that if I go to sleep I'm going to wake up and find out it's all been a wonderful dream and I won't be here with you," She said softly, almost shyly. I nibbled her shoulder and then soothed the area with tender kisses.

"Baby, I promise you that last night was not a dream, a dream come true maybe but not a dream. When you wake up in the morning everything we did will still be real and I will still be here," I whispered reassuringly, lifting my hand from her waist to cup her cheek.

Ashley grinned shyly and snuggled her head into the crook of my neck. I held her tightly against me and couldn't help the grin that spread across my face. In that moment I was totally happy, 100 per cent content. Nothing had ever felt so right, as perfect to me as holding her in my arms did. It was where I think she had always belonged, it had just taken me until now to find her. I had never believed in fate or destiny. Those concepts held no meaning for me and then I had met Ashley Davies and now it seemed as though it was meant to be…besides the whole sneaking around element.

We sat in silence for a while, both of us gazing out the window at the angry waves of the ocean as they pounded the shore relentlessly. The violence of nature outside was a directed opposition to the peace inside my bedroom as she leaned back in my arms.

"You know I can hardly believe that this is real. I know that we still have a lot to work through and I know we will have some tough times ahead, but I also know that this is worth every single moment of frustration and doubt," Ashley whispered into the darkness, her warm breath tickling my check in the most delicious of ways.

I rubbed my hands softly over her abs, making her arch into me. "I agree, but um, I just…I wanted to ask you…uh well what is 'this', you know this thing between us? What are we Ash?" I asked nervously biting my lip.

Ashley turned slightly so that she could look into my eyes, "Well I have wanted to ask you this for a while, but I didn't want to push you or anything. I like you Spencer, a lot, and I know that when I'm not with you I'm thinking about you, hell when I'm with you I'm thinking about you. You are always on my mind, consuming every moment of my days. Spencer, what I am trying to say is that I am falling for you and I want to be with you. I want you to be my girlfriend, I know it's not ideal because we have to sneak around…"

I silenced her with a gentle finger to her lips and smiled tenderly at her, "The feeling is so very mutual Ash. You are all I think about and nothing would make me happier than to be your girlfriend, it's not like we'll have to sneak around forever. I can't imagine walking away from you just because we have to sneak around, I am already in too deep to even think that walking away is an option."

Ashley beamed at me, her nose-crinkling adorably and then leaned in to kiss my lips with the upmost tenderness. Once we pulled apart and got our breathing back under control she had settled in my arms again. I tapped the guitar which was still on her lap with my index finger and asked softly, "You thinking about playing something?"

"Would you like me to play you something?" She asked in a teasing voice with a coy smile.

I nodded slowly and smirked, "Well hell yes I do, that way I get for free what millions of people will soon have to pay a small fortune to see live on stage."

Ashley blushed and grinned, "In that case here goes, I will just say this song choice was inspired by what has transpired between us tonight."

"What all the hot sex or the fact that you asked me to be your girlfriend?" I teased with a wide smirk.

Ashley smirked back and said slyly, "All the hot sex Baby, definitely all the hot sex, any way this is Superhuman Touch by Athlete and tonight you get my very special live acoustic version."

I rested my chin on her shoulder as she began to strum the guitar. I smiled to myself and let the soft guitar music wash over me. I rested my lips against her neck and felt the vibrations of her vocal cords as she started to sing.

"I'm on fire and nothing's gonna hold me back  
Endless blue sky and a pocket full of tricks to try  
Ooooh

You pick a colour and I'll sing it for you  
I know you feel the same way  
Say, say, say you feel the same way

Fingertips alive  
Superhuman touch  
Can't get enough of this electric love  
Burning the sun with just a wave of your hand  
Sparks flying out in every direction  
There's more of this to come I think it must be heaven  
Burning the sun with just a wave of your hand"

I bit my lip and leaned further into her until there was literally not even a spec of space between us. My breasts were pressed hard into her back and my arms were tight around her stomach. The lyrics of this song were kind of perfect considering all that had taken place between us.

"I'm on fire, golden echoes upon my face  
Tell those dreamers they can dream up all they like in this place

You pick a colour and I'll sing if for you  
I know you feel the same way  
Say, say, say you feel the same way

Fingertips alive  
Superhuman touch  
Can't get enough of this electric love  
Burning the sun with just a wave of your hand  
Sparks flying out in every direction  
There's more of this to come I think it must be heaven  
Burning the sun with just a wave of your hand

Just one day like this will keep me going on  
Tender kisses will keep me going on"

Wow how true those lyrics were, I had a feeling that just one kiss from her would be enough to keep me going…for a total of an hour before I would need her again. Ashley smiled back at me as she launched into a very impassioned chorus again.

"Fingertips alive  
Superhuman touch  
Can't get enough of this electric love  
Burning the sun with just a wave of your hand  
Sparks flying out in every direction  
There's more of this to come I think it must be heaven  
Burning the sun with just a wave of your hand

Seems like hell has broken loose  
It couldn't be more beautiful  
I just want to burn the sun with you

A messed up garden to inspire  
The greatest minds in all their power  
I just want to burn the sun with you  
In just a wave of your hand"

Ashley sung the last line and played the last few notes before gently laying the guitar on the plum and dark grey stripped love seat near the end of my bed. She turned around in my arms and moved to sit on my lap so that her legs were wrapped around my hips and her body was pressed sensuously against mine.

"Wow that was incredible, you sound even better live Ash. And that song, I've always liked it but hearing you sing it like that, I think its now one of my favourites. Oh and Baby, I hope you'll stay true to the lyrics," I murmured, my lips barely millimeters from hers.

"Thanks Beautiful, I'll record it for you. And what do you mean you hope I'll stay true to the lyrics?" Ashley asked with an adorable look of confusion on her gorgeous face.

I chuckled and sung softly (and kind of off key), "There's more of this to come, I think it must be heaven." Ashley cupped my face in her hands and leaned in to kiss me hard and with so much fervor.

I moaned into her kiss and let her lay me back on the bed and settled herself over me so that she was straddling my hips. Her lips moved frantically over my face, neck and chest, while her hands traveled the contours of my body. Her touch was sending me to heights I was hoping to never come down from. I was seriously wondering if it was possible to die from an overdose of pleasure.

Hands roamed as we gasped and writhed against each other. I had no control of my body and how it reacted to her, all I knew was she knew how to touch me and make me feel things I had never experienced. In short she was the best I'd ever had, no contest.

It wasn't long before we were both lost in a sea of ecstasy which lasted until the sun was rising up over the water.

We snuggled in each others arms and watched the sun rise, both totally and completely spent and sated. We held tight to each other as the sky was coloured with pinks, purples, oranges, blues and yellows. It was a magical sight and what better way to see it then lying naked in my bed with a gorgeous brunette rock star that I couldn't seem to get enough of.

Not long after the sun had risen into the sky and the world was bathed in a golden glow, I looked down and found Ashley asleep in my arms with her head resting on my chest and a little snore coming from her slightly parted lips. She had a soft smile on her face that made my heart soar, as corny as it sounds. She looked so beautiful, so adorable and I couldn't help but think that I would love to go to sleep with her in my arms every night.

I don't know where all this sappiness was coming from, it was so out of character for me and I knew that Eva would have a field day if she could read the thoughts running through my head every time I got to hold Ashley in my arms. Oh well it seemed as though there was nothing I could do to control these thoughts and feelings, Ashley Davies had gotten under my skin.

I snuggled down beside her under the covers and let my eyes flutter closed. As the sun rose on a new day I drifted off to sleep in the arms of the woman I was rapidly falling in love with. Usually I was cautious when it came to love and relationships, but not with Ashley, with her I could do nothing but jump head first in and hope that everything would be alright.

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**Song used in this Chapter:**

**Super Human Touch by Athlete**


	13. Morning After

**Thanks to all who reviewed, you are ****awesome.**

**LoveAsh87, mutt009, 2bz2breading and momo0424 – Thanks!**

**shayer – So true, it is easy to forget reality in moments like that. Love does have a lot to answer for, it turns rational people into crazies! Ah you're onto me, stay tuned!**

**DarceLynn – lol yeah I'm all about the wonderfulness and charming my way into your pants lol**

**slushhy – Thanks, I love that song! Hmm your glad there's no Aiden huh...in a few chapters you may not be so happy with me lol**

**somthgIlike2do – Thanks! Yeah I wish it could be like that for them all the time but enter reality**

**drummergirl244 – yeah Spashley is all about the cuteness and sure I'm nice...most of the time lol**

**uluvme – Oh yeah I wouldn't mind waking up to that, hmm your instinct might be spot on there. The shit just might hit the fan yet**

**WillowOn3 – Yep I updated fast for a change lol. I can honestly say I have nver played an instrument naked, must add that to my to do list! It was a bit of fluff, but necessary fluff to progress the story, you are right though I am totally about the drama lol**

**Usual disclaimer, SoN not mine**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Thirteen – ****Morning After**

After our night (and early morning) together Ashley and I had slept until lunch time all snuggled up together. It was the most amazing thing to wake up with her in my arms, it was literally like my dreams had become a reality and I felt the need to pinch myself just to be sure it was all real. For the record it was very real...it bloody hurt when I pinched myself!

Once we had reluctantly dragged ourselves out of bed I had to immediately call the office after finding twelve missed calls and ten voicemails on my cell from Eva. The last of her voicemails consisted of her shouting so loudly Ashley came bolting in from the bathroom, wearing only a towel, wielding my long handled loofah to protect me from who ever was attacking me.

As she bolted in she saw me holding the phone a good arms length away from my ear and rolling my eyes. She stopped in her tracks and stared at my in confusion. I just sighed and said, "Eva." Ashley nodded, still looking a little unsure and headed back to the bathroom. Ok I'll admit it I also might have checked her out, hello she was wearing a _towel_! I am only human after all.

Once the voicemail message was over I hit speed dial two and waited for Eva to pick up. Just for the record speed dial one is the number for my favourite Chinese restaurant, speed dial three is my brother Glen. The phone had barely rung once before Eva picked up, "_Where the hell are you Carlin? Do you have any fucking idea how worried I have been? Are you calling from a ditch somewhere because if you're not I might have to beat you to death with my bare fists!_"

I winced as her loud yelling echoed in my ears and replied, "Uh yeah well I'm ok, not in a ditch….um I am so sorry I didn't call earlier I was, uh busy?"

"Busy?! Are you kidding me Spencer Isabel Carlin!" Eva shrieked, ok so she full-named me I guess that meant I was in a shit load of trouble.

"Evie, chill ok. Everything is alright…well actually better than alright," I looked up to see Ashley lounging in the doorway wearing my robe and smiling coyly at me. She mouthed, "Spencer _Isabel_ Carlin?" with her eyebrow raised. I grinned back and moved to wrap my arm around her shoulder.

"_Well then what the fuck…wait a second…you aren't alone are you? OH MY GOD!_" I violently ripped the phone away from my ear as Eva screamed, hell she was loud! Even Ashley flinched at the loud screech coming from my cell before she giggled at the look of intense pain on my face. I gave her a mock glare before brining the phone back to my ear.

"Jesus Evie, would you calm down? You almost burst my fucking ear drum," I pleaded while my ears were still ringing painfully. Being friends with Eva almost guaranteed I would be totally deaf by thirty-five if not sooner.

"_Well out with it then what happened? Now I saw how angry you were yesterday after the meeting with Ethan and Ashley, hell you barely said a word all damn day unless it was to bitch about Ethan and all the extra work we have to do_," Ashley looked away guiltily as she over heard that. I kissed her forehead gently to tell her that we were ok, "_So what happened Spence? Did you and Ashley talk?_" Eva asked, her voice returning to a normal decibel, well her version of it.

I looked down at Ashley who nodded, giving me the ok to tell Eva about us. "Well um yeah we did. We sorted everything out and were up pretty late, which is why I didn't make it in to work. I know I should have called, I'm sorry. We're ok now, well better than ok really," I said with a beaming smile.

"_Oh My God, Spencer please tell me you had sex last night? Coz if you did then I don't have to kill you for blowing off work today. Come on just admit it, I already know you did…Carlin spill right the hell now!_" Eva ordered. I could practically see her with her Bluetooth headset on, standing at the window in her office with her arms folded over her chest and a child-like pout on her face.

I was about to answer when Ashley pulled the phone out of my hands with a cheeky smirk, "Hey Eva this is Ashley."

Eva's excited squeal was so loud Ashley almost dropped the phone and all I could do was laugh and smirk at the scared looking brunette as she tentatively moved the phone back to her ear, clearly regretting stealing it off me in the first place.

"_So Ashley…how do I ask this tactfully…hmmm, so did you boink my best friend last night and therefore make her blow off work today?_" I had to giggle as I heard Eva ask Ashley that question, Eva really had no boundaries or tact. It was something you kind of got used to. I mean the very first thing Eva asked me the very first time we met was if she could smell my neck, I kid you not.

"Boink, Eva? Really? Who says boink?" Ashley asked teasingly while I giggled beside her.

"_That Ashley is beside the point. Now stop avoiding the question and just tell me. Did you and Carlin make sweet, sweet love last night?_" Eva asked in an exasperated tone.

I giggled and Ashley smiled up at me before answering Eva, "If I tell you this, it has to stay between the three of us. I know Spencer told you about us and why we have to keep it a secret."

"_Yeah I know, look in all honesty I will not be repeating any of this…just using it to tease Spencer mercilessly. That cool?_" Eva asked. I fixed a look of offence on my face, which made Ashley chuckle.

"Yeah Eva, that's cool. Ok well last night I asked Spencer to be my girlfriend," Once again Ashley had to rip the phone away from her ear as Eva screeched excitedly, only bringing it back once Eva quietened down. "Geez Eva, volume control…look into it. Well yeah so we're together, officially, now."

"_Well that's great Ashley, really fucking great…inevitable but great. You still haven't answered my question though, did you two have the sex last night, you know bump uglies, do the nasty, get to know each other in the biblical sense?!_" Eva exclaimed impatiently.

I laughed, earning me a poke in the ribs from my girl. I knew that Eva would not let this go until we told her. Eva could never be deterred from the topic of sex, it was all part of her charm. Ashley looked at me with a playful look of defeat, "Fine, Eva you really want to know? We had sex, we had a lot of sex. Loud, hot, animalistic sex. Your best friend is quite the little freak in the sheets."

I literally choked on my own spit at that comment while Eva burst out laughing down the line and replied, "_Oh Ashley, sweet naïve little Ashley if you were trying to make me uncomfortable it so won't work. So how many times? Oh and who topped who?_"

Ashley's eyebrows rose up into her hairline as she stared down at the phone incredulously. I giggled and took the phone from her hands, giving her a light peck on the lips before raising the phone to my ear, "Hey Evie, I think you broke Ash. She's standing here like a dying fish, its pretty entertaining really."

That snapped Ashley out of her shock and made her lightly punch me in the arm before snuggling into my arms with her head resting on my shoulder. I gazed down at her before Eva's repeated calling of my name reminded me that I had my best friend on the phone. "_Hey Carlin you still there or have you and Ashley gone for round…twelve?_"

"Yeah still here Evie and look I am so not telling you how many times or who topped who…let me just say that it exceeded any past experiences in both quality and quantity and Ashley is hella sexy on top!" I said with a teasing grin at the brunette. I ducked quickly out of the way as she went to slap my arm and giggled.

"Spencer! You're so lucky I like you so much!" Ashley said with a smirk.

Eva giggled and said, "_She's got a point there Carlin. Now refresh my memory…the most rounds you ever did in one night in the past was…"_

And that's where I cut her off, "Um no Evie, we are not talking about that now…or ever. I gotta go, I promise I'll do some work from home and be in the office tomorrow, oh shit we have a shoot tomorrow…ok um I'll meet you on set tomorrow morning."

"_Ok Blondie, I'll let you get away with it, this time. But from now on no more blowing off work coz of sex…that's my thing! I'll see ya tomorrow. Say bye to Ashley for me. I'm happy for you Spence_," Eva said sweetly.

"Thanks Evie, I'll see ya," I replied before hanging up.

I threw the phone onto my bed and wrapped both arms around Ashley's waist as she leant into me with a smirk on her face. "So I exceed your 'past experiences' did I?" She asked slyly.

I blushed and nodded, "I was wondering how long it would take you to bring that up, but yeah you did. In every conceivable way you exceeded all the past experiences I have ever had. Last night, and this morning, were amazing Ashley."

Ashley beamed up at me with her nose-crinkling grin and placed a chaste kiss on my lips, "You are quite the sweet talker Carlin, I like it." I looked at her expectantly, making her smirk, "Oh so you want to know how you measured up huh?" I nodded and gave her a look that said 'well duh!' Ashley giggled and bit her lip adorably, "Ok Baby here it is, last night and then again this morning was so beyond incredible I don't think I have the words to tell you how amazing it was. And now all I can think about is doing it again," Ashley said with a teasing smile.

I raised and eyebrow suggestively at her before I attached my lips to her neck and began kissing a trail up to her jaw and to her lips. Once our lips met we lost ourselves in a soft, yet passionate kiss that would have very quickly become heated had Ashley's cell not rung. As she pulled away from me I muttered, "If that's Ethan then I am checking you for bugs."

Ashley smirked and rolled her eyes at me as she picked up her phone off the floor, where I guess it got dropped the night before. She glanced at the caller id and looked guiltily at me before answering it, "hey Ethan."

I threw my hands dramatically up in the air and mouthed, "I knew it!" which made her giggle. Ashley slipped from the room with an apologetic smile. I couldn't wipe the huge grin off my face. I honestly couldn't remember a time when I was happier. I moved around my room picking up the scattered articles of clothing we had discarded rather haphazardly the night before.

I was humming as I ran a brush through my long blonde hair when Ashley walked back in with a sweet smile just for me. She walked up behind me and wrapped her arms securely around my waist while resting her chin on my shoulder. I covered her hands with mine and leaned back against her, savouring the warmth of her embrace.

"Spence I'm so sorry but I have to go. Ethan needs me in the studio in like an hour to rework a few songs. He is a bit of a perfectionist slave driver truth be told," Ashley murmured regretfully.

I groaned in protest and put down my brush before turning around in her arms. I buried my face in her neck and whispered, "I don't want you to go."

Ashley smiled down at me and murmured, "I know Baby, I don't want to go either, but duty calls. How about I call you when I'm done and we'll have dinner or something? And hey didn't you just tell Eva you'd get some work done at home today? You don't want to make her yell again, that was scary."

I smiled sheepishly and nodded, "Ok, you're right. Go and make music and I'll try and get some work done so I can see you tonight."

Ashley beamed at me before capturing my lips in a tender kiss. She stepped back out of my arms and started dressing. I stood there and enjoyed the view, while leaning back against my chest of drawers. Ashley giggled and put on a bit of a show, sadly the end result being her fully dressed.

"That was the worst strip tease ever, you did it in reverse!" I teased with a mock pout on my lips.

Ashley moved closer and circled my waist with her arms, "Oh Sweetheart, I'm sorry! How about I promise to give you a real strip tease later, in the right order and everything?"

I continued to pout and I pretended to consider her offer, "Well ok then, that might just about make up for it." We both started laughing then as I wrapped my arms around her. I lowered my lips to hers and kissed her softly on her irresistible lips.

We kissed for a few minutes until she groaned and reluctantly pulled away, "I'm sorry Baby, but I have to go." I nodded and held her hand as we walked towards my front door, stopping to grab her purse on the way. As we stood on the threshold of my place she gently cupped my cheek in her palm and leaned into chastely kiss me one last time, "Ok Baby, I gotta go. I'll call you later ok?"

I nodded, "Alright, I'll speak to you later then. Bye Ashley."

Ashley winked and took a step away, "Bye my girlfriend." I felt a beaming smile spread across my face as I watched her walk to her car. _My girlfriend,_ damn I could get used to hearing her call me that!

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	14. Honeymoon Phase

**I felt like posting again so here you go lol.**

**Thanks for the reviews.**

**2bz2breading & slushhy – Thanks, I will neither confirm or deny your Aiden suspicions**

**LoveAsh87, mutt009, momo0424 and sonfan92 – Thanks for reviewing**

**mindgamesgoodorbad – lol me too**

**somthgIlike2do – Yep Ethan is a mood killer. We all need friends like Evie lol**

**shayer – Oh yeah seems like most people are waiting for me to unleash the drama! Thanks for your review**

**uluvme – True, nothing can disturb our Evie, but people who hurt Spencer. I like writing Eva's bluntness, it's hella fun lol. Aw swoon at 'my girlfriend', thanks!**

**WillowOn3 – Yeah Evie was a tad excited lol. I laughed when I read about you startling your Mom! Hey I like random ramblings so please continue. Drama is on its way!**

**LobaDeIlladel – Glad you like the story, thanks for the review. I love Eva too, she is fun to write. The love scene had you melting huh? I take that as a compliment**

**DarceLynn – No please don't un-retire the pointy stick! Just wait and see before you stab me lol**

**.HEART – I love Evie too, she is not scared to inappropriately dig for details lol. Thanks heaps!**

**Usual disclaimer, SoN is not the product of my imagination**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Fourteen – ****Honeymoon Phase**

I was sitting in my office at home typing away on my laptop when I felt a warm pair of arms wrap themselves around my chest and soft lips press themselves against my cheek. I grinned and leaned back into the warm body, "Hello Ash."

"How'd you know it was me?" Ashley asked, a smile evident in her voice.

"Well…I know my other girlfriend is overseas at the moment and she doesn't smell like cinnamon and vanilla so I took a wild stab in the dark and assumed it was you," I said teasingly.

Ashley chuckled, her warm breath tickling my cheek, "Other girlfriend huh? Anyone I know?"

"Nuh, you don't know her. She's a model and she is hot, dumb but super hot!" I said, earning me a slap on the arm before she spun my chair around and straddled my lap, wrapping her arms firmly around my neck.

I smiled up into her warm chocolate eyes and murmured, "Hey Baby."

Ashley settled further into my lap and whispered, "Hey," right before she captured my lips in a sweet, tender kiss.

"I missed you today," she whispered, her lips still against mine.

"I missed you too, how did the recording go?" I asked as I tightened my hold on her hips.

"It went pretty good, we worked on some new songs and stuff like that, just sorting out the tracks for the album. It's coming along well," She said hesitantly, as if she was scared I was going to be angry about her success with recording.

I leaned in and kissed her chastely on her lips before smiling up at her and murmuring, "That's great Baby, I'm glad it's going well. Oh and I'll have you know I actually did get some work done once the distraction of you was gone."

She giggled and tangled her hands into my long blonde hair, "Oh is that right? Well if I'm a distraction maybe I should go…" Ashley moved to slide off my lap only to be firmly held in place by my hands.

"Ah no, I think I like you right where you are Miss Davies," I said with a smirk. Ashley flashed me her adorably sexy nose-crinkling smile and settled further onto my lap. I rested my face in the crook of her neck and breathed in the delicious scent of her. I held her close for a few minutes until I heard her tummy rumble.

I pulled back and looked up at her face which was coloured with a blush. I giggled and stood up, keeping her legs wrapped around my waist. Ashley tightened her hold on me, both with her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist. I loved the feeling of her warm body pressed against mine, the weight of her in my arms. I would never get tired of holding her.

I carried her into the kitchen the sat her gently on the counter. I dropped a soft kiss on her lips before moving out of her arms to dig through the fridge, "So what are you in the mood for beautiful?" I asked with my head still in the fridge.

The next thing I knew warm arms were wrapped around my waist and I felt her pressed up against my back, "Well other than you?" She asked seductively.

I gulped and stepped back out of the fridge so I could turn around in her arms. Ashley was smirking up at me, her chocolate eyes melting into mine. "Uh I meant food, little Miss rumbly tummy," I said without moving my eyes from hers.

Ashley nodded and stepped back out of my arms to hop back up on the counter, "Ok then, whatever you've got will be fine," She said with a smirk.

I turned back to the fridge and began to pull out some food, while muttering, "Tease."

I heard Ashley chuckle behind me as I pulled out the last of the ingredients that would make some killer sandwiches. I moved to the counter and began preparing our dinner. I had to keep slapping Ashley's hands away as she firstly tried to steal the vegetables I'd cut up for the salad and then secondly had to slap them away when she kept trying to unbutton my pants and shirt. I'm not entirely sure why I was fighting her on the last one.

After I had thrown together some sandwiches and a little green salad I led Ashley out onto the deck over looking the beach. I lit the lanterns and grabbed each of us an icy cold beer from the fridge.

We settled next to each other on the deck, fore going the table and chairs to sit with our legs dangling over the edge. I lifted my beer and held it up, "To my gorgeous girlfriend…wow that was lame!" I toasted and then blushed.

Ashley giggled, "No it's not, you're just really sweet, to my beautiful, amazing girlfriend," She said as she touched her bottle to mine. We both drank deeply and then set them down so we could get into our sandwiches and salad.

We made idle small talk over dinner, talked about our days and for some reason got into a heated debate about the L Word. I told her I hated Bette and apparently that was like sacrilegious or something because we spent the rest of the meal with her trying to change my mine. I can't help it ok, I just think Bette is a self-righteous, self-centred bitch who as well as being a hypocrite seems to think the world owes her…I will admit that she is hot however. I mean come on have you see Flashdance? That shit was hawt!

After dinner we sat on the deck just watching the tide. I wrapped an arm around her shoulders and she leaned into me with her cheek rested on my shoulder. I felt perfectly content. It was just me and her in that moment and nothing else mattered. I wanted to freeze frame that moment, store it away in my memory forever so that when I was old and grey I would always have the night I sat on my deck with my beautiful brunette rock goddess in my arms.

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I wandered out on to the set of my latest shoot with a huge smile on my face and my thoughts consumed by one particular brunette. Oh and for the record I totally got a strip tease from her…yeah I know you're all jealous, but she is mine, mine I tell you! I walked up behind Eva and slung my arm around her shoulder, "Good morning Evie, how are you this wonderful morning?"

Eva turned and looked at me in disgust, "Man I forgot how annoying you are after you get laid, can I get you something to take the happiness edge off? Like say a slap to the head?" I just rolled my eyes and looked at her with a smirk.

"What's wrong Evie? You jealous? Has it been a while since the sexual legend of UCLA got any?" I asked teasingly.

Eva glared at me and stuck her nose up in the air with a haughty expression. I just laughed and pretty soon Eva joined in. "Just for the record Carlin it has been…" Eva looked down at her watch, "exactly thirteen hours and twenty-four minutes since I last had sex, but am I jealous? Hell yes! You tapped a hot, soon to be rock star!"

"Hey, don't talk about her like that, Ashley is special," I chastised with a smile.

"I know Carlin, I know. Hey in all seriousness I am so happy for you. She's a good woman and if she makes you happy then that is all I could ever ask for," Eva said laying a hand on my shoulder.

"Thanks Evie, now how about we get this shoot underway?" I asked as I walked over to the camera to check the angles and such. We were shooting a commercial for sneakers, not exactly inspiring but they were paying us a hell of a lot of money and that would help fund the start of the new film I wanted to make.

Eva took a seat in one of the chairs behind the monitor and laughed as she watched me trying to direct this annoying, pain in the ass kid who was in the commercial. I hated that kid, he totally threw chewing gum on the floor of my office and I then I stood in it. I loathed that kid so much, I have no damn idea what possessed Eva to cast him (I flaked on the meeting to spend time with Ashley, so maybe the casting decision was to get back at me, Eva is just about evil enough to do that to me).

"Ok Jakey, now all you have to do is smile and run around with the other kids until I tell you to stop, then you just have to look at the camera and say your line, you do know what your line is right?" I asked while trying to explain, for the tenth time, what he had to do.

Jakey rolled his eyes and popped his gum, which had better not end up stuck to any part of me or my clothing, and nodded. He was a spoilt like shit and I kinda wanted to drop kick him…is that wrong?

As soon as I said action that little brat started aimlessly wandering around the set while the other kids ran around like they'd gotten into the red cordial. I gritted my teeth and called cut, before glaring at a hysterically laughing Eva and striding over to Jakey.

"Hey Jakey, can you give me some more enthusiasm? You know, show a bit of energy? You need to look like you're having fun buddy, can you do that for me?" I asked with as much patience as I could muster.

"Meh, I guess I can do that. Oh and lady," Oh no that kid did _not _just call me 'lady!' "I don't like the colour of these shoes, I want different ones." Jakey ordered.

I took a deep breath and reminded myself that hitting the kid would probably mean that I would never work again before answering him, "Jakey, I'm sorry but these are the shoes the company wants you to wear in the commercial so it has to be these ones."

Jakey glared at me, spat his gum onto the floor beside my foot and stormed back onto the set. I stared at him in disbelief, while I listened to Eva chortle behind me. I pulled a tissue out of my pocket and gingerly picked up the gum. I walked over and dropped it right in Eva's lap before taking my seat behind the monitor and calling action.

Twelve takes, two hissy fits (both mine I'm ashamed to say) and one temper tantrum (totally Jakey's…ok so it was mine as well) and we had finished filming the commercial. If I never saw that little shit again it would be too soon.

I was walking out to my car with Eva beside me who was still laughing about a little incident that involved me throwing my water bottle in Jakey's general direction. In my defence he called me 'old lady' and had just spat his gum into my coffee cup, it's not like my water bottle hit him or anything.

"Eva Evelyn Reynolds, you ever and I mean EVER hire Rosemary's Baby for another one of my shoots I will skin you with a blunt pair of scissors while you are still alive and then use your skin to make a purse, you get me?" I said in my best menacing tone.

Eva nodded, trying her best not to burst out laughing again, "Sorry Spence, the kid seemed normal at the audition." I looked at her incredulously, which just made her laugh harder.

"Yeah whatever, I just never want to see that little monster again! Man a day like today is enough to make me never want to have kids," I said with a dramatic shudder which made Eva laugh.

"Not even with Ashley?" Eva asking in a sing-song voice.

I unlocked my car and threw in my bag before turning to face her with a blush covered face, "Um I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself there Evie, I mean Ashley and I only just became official, and then there is the whole sneaking around thing and then there is the fact that I am so not ready to settle down and have kids. Plus we haven't even ever talked about kids…"

I was silenced by Eva clamping a hand over my mouth, "Carlin you're rambling. I was totally just teasing, but after your little outburst me thinks the lady doth protest too much!"

"What are you talking about Reynolds?" I asked with a frown on my face.

"Well Spencer, it just seems to me that you were very quick to disperse all the reasons why you and Ashley would not be having children anytime soon. I figure you must have been thinking about it in order to come up with those excuses so fast," Eva said with a knowing smirk.

I shook my head and sighed, "No comment," I muttered. Just between you and I though, Eva was totally right. Damn her!

Eva laughed and climbed into my jeep so we could head back to the office. Once I was in the car and reversing out a serious look crossed her face, a rather unusual occurrence. She turned to me and said softly, "Spencer, I know you care about Ashley a lot, hell I have never seen you so into someone, and I just want you to be careful ok. I don't want to see you get hurt."

I reached over and took her hand in mine to give it a gentle squeeze, "I promise Evie, but I don't think you need to worry. Ashley would never hurt me intentionally and everything will be fine once we are able to tell the world that we're together." I smiled reassuringly and turned back to the road.

"Ok I get that she would not hurt you on purpose Spence, but what about unintentionally?" Eva asked, her tone careful and hesitant.

"Well none of us can protect ourselves from being hurt unintentionally Evie, and to hide from the possibility of love because you _might_ get hurt will leave you miserable anyway," I replied keeping my eyes locked on the road a head of us.

"Yeah I get that Spence, I do. So amid all the sex over the last two nights did you two talk about what happened at the meeting?" Eva asked with a ghost of a smile.

I smiled briefly before answering, "Honestly? Not much. I know this is crazy Evie, I know that I should be running away from this, but I just can't. I am in too deep, I....I, I'm in love with her Evie. Completely and irrevocably in love with her. I couldn't walk away now if I tried."

I parked my car in a parking space in front of the building that housed our production company. I smiled up at the script letters on the sign, _Worlds Away Productions. _I was so proud of this company and the work Eva and I had done to get to where we were. A part of me knew that I should be furious on a professional level for what Ashley had done in hiding the plans to postpone the filming and launch of the video, but I just couldn't be.

Eva and I didn't say another word to each other as we walked inside. I was about to walk into my office when Eva grabbed my elbow and turned me to face her, "Just be careful Spence."

I nodded and walked into my office to try and get some work done. I had been in there about ten minutes when Hilary put through a call for me. I picked up the phone and said, "Worlds Away Productions, this is Spencer."

"_Well hey there gorgeous, how are you_?" Ashley raspy voice came down the line.

I grinned goofily and cradled the phone between my ear and shoulder as I tried to keep typing away on my laptop, "I'm good Baby, how are you?"

"_Uh I am fed up with this record! Let me tell you it is unpleasant to be trapped in a recording studio all day when what I really want to do is be with you_," Ashley murmured.

"Aw sorry Baby, I've been trapped inside all day too. We had a commercial to film this morning and the kid Eva cast in it was totally the offspring of Satan, it was a nightmare! And now I have hours of work ahead of me tonight before I get to see you, plus I want to do some work on my screen play," I replied with a tired sigh. It did not look like I was getting to leave the office anytime soon.

"_That sucks sorry Spence. So tell me about your screen play_?" Ashley asked with interest.

"Well it's a love story. Two girls who were close as teenagers, secretly they both had feelings for each other but neither ever had the courage to do anything about it. One of the girls, Isabel, on the last day of high school told her friend, Adrian, how she felt about her and they embarked on a summer long fling of epic proportions. It all came to a screeching halt when Adrian's parents caught wind of the fact that they were together. Adrian put all the blame on Isabel and opted to leave. She never said goodbye to Isabel. Five years later they meet again and that is really where the story starts…when I finally write the damn thing," I said with a laugh.

"_That sounds like it will be an awesome story Baby, will it have a happy ending_?" Ashley asked.

"I dunno yet, I usually kind of let my screenplays write themselves. I will say though, that I am feeling oddly inspired for a happy ending these days," I said a huge smile breaking out onto my face at the thought of the woman on the line.

Ashley chuckled, "_Oh yeah, wonder who inspired you_?" I let out a girlish giggle before she continued, "_so I know we'd talked about getting together tonight but I have to make an appearance at some club, it's a promotional thing before the album comes out. I'd invite you along..._"

"But we're hiding us so you cant," I sighed, "its ok Ash, go do what you gotta do and call me later or tomorrow or something."

"You sure Spence?" Ashley asked in a hesitant voice.

"Yeah for sure, go and I'll just talk to you later," I answered in a falsely cheerful voice.

"Um ok, well I'd better go, I have to get ready. I'll call you later ok?" She said softly.

"Ok Baby, talk to you later," I murmured.

"Ok bye Spencer," Ashley said before she hung up. I looked down at the phone in my hand a moment before I placed it back in it's cradle. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't disappointed. I had been looking forward to seeing her, it had been a stressful day and I really felt like I needed to see her. It always came back to how shit it was that we have to hide our relationship, it was the route of every little problem we had.

I sighed loudly and rested my head back against my chair with my eyes closed. "You ok Spence?" I heard a voice ask from my doorway.

I snapped my eyes open and looked up with a tired smile at Eva, "Yeah I guess. It's just been a long day."

"Hmm yeah it has, so are you catching up with your lady tonight?" Eva asked as she came in and took a seat on the soft, plush leather sofa in my office.

"Um no, we had plans but she has to go do some club appearance, publicity you know," I explained with a small smile.

"Ah right, well that sucks for you guys that you don't get to hang out," Eva said with a rather concerned look. I just flashed her a brief smile and hit save on my laptop, the inspiration I was feeling for my screenplay was kinda gone now. "Do you want to talk about it Spence? Maybe we could go get a few drinks at Grey and you could tell me all about it?"

I smiled gratefully and nodded. A night with my best friend was just what I needed.

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	15. Love Will Kill And Save Me

**I love reading all your reviews and one reason for that is I love to see you predicting what will happen, sometimes I think you guys are reading my mind. I should tell you I have up to chapter 23 written so I already know hehe. Thanks for reviewing.**

uluvme – is your paranoia justified? Well time will tell

WillowOn3 – Aw thanks! Big hug right back for your wonderful review. Oh wow your poor Mom and the people at that shoot. Yeah I want Eva to be the right mix of crazy and best friend. She is a nut but first and foremost she is Spencer's best friend. Yeah I'm kinda all about the drama too, mostly coz its real.

slushhy – yeah my response kinda answered it for me, inadvertently. Spencer did fall fast and it was despite her better judgement. Love isn't rational, if it was our Spencer would have bolted by now.

2bz2breading – Yep the cancellations and hiding will take a serious toll on Spencer. As for Ashley, well in the next few chapters you'll see what she does.

mutt009 – Thanks, I wanted the 'demon child' for some relief before the drama. You know, I wouldn't have missed that kid either, my water bottle would have totally hit him in the face. Btw, this kid was based on a real kid I used to work with (insert shudder here)

shayer – Yeah I figured beating up a kid was wrong…even when he kinda deserves it. Thanks, I'm so glad you like this Spencer and Evie. You're right, no matter what kind of fake cheerfulness you dredge up, you can't hide disappointment.

DarceLynn – Well I'd prefer the pointy sticks directed at Ashley then at me, so I'm cool with that. You're right though she is too hot…damn that girl and her hotness! Lol I like that, Spencer vs. the Spawn of Satan

Team-Belice – Thanks for reviewing, truly means a lot

.Heart, LoveAsh87 – Thanks so much

**So usual disclaimer…SoN not mine, but Evie is! Ha!**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Fifteen – Love** **Will Kill And Save Me**

After leaving work Eva dragged me to this funky little wine bar about fifteen minutes from our office. We grabbed a table and ordered a good bottle of chardonnay and some appetisers, Eva drinking on an empty stomach is not a nightmare I wished to relive, not again in this life time.

Once our food and wine was delivered and we each had a glass Eva covered my hand with hers and smiled sweetly at me, "So are you ok Spence?"

"Yeah I'm fine, really," I tried to assure her, not too convincingly though.

"Ok how bout you try telling me the truth now Carlin, what's going on?" Eva asked with a raised eye brow and her 'don't give me your bullshit' look. That look is scary and usually results in me fessing up to everything and anything, even things she wasn't asking about. Such is the power of 'the look.'

I sighed and took a sip of my wine, "It's stupid really. I mean I know the deal, I knew the deal getting into this thing. I knew what I was in for and yet I jumped in head fucking first so I can't let all these little things bother me now can I? I knew better, I should have used my head. This is just so stupid, I signed up for this knowing the situation so I can't get upset at every little thing that happens. Right?"

Eva looked at me, her expression a strange mixture of stunned, concerned, slightly scared and confused. "Um so do you want to try that again and maybe um I don't know, explain it to me in words I can understand?" Eva asked.

I chuckled a little and nodded, "Sure. Ok well as always these days my problem is Ashley and our closeted relationship. She blew me off tonight to go to some club to put in some appearance, good publicity and all that. She told me she couldn't ask me along and I get it, I do. I know that I couldn't be there as her girlfriend, but what about as her friend? In the time we have been seeing each other we have never ventured outside of either her place or mine. I just want to be able to take her out, you know, in public. Even if I have to pretend to be just her friend."

Eva nodded and looked thoughtful for a moment, "Ah I see, and you're feeling bad about feeling like this because you knew going into this thing with our Miss Davies that you were going to have to be together in the closet. You feel like you can't be upset because this is what you signed up for, am I right?"

"Yep that about sums it up. I feel like I have no right to be hurt and like I can't tell her how I really feel because I knew what I was getting into going in. She has never misled me or told me differently. I always knew that being with her meant a temporary stint in the closet. I guess I just didn't fully realise how hard it was going to be for me. I also didn't know how hard or how fast I was going to fall for her," I murmured before taking another mouthful of wine, draining my glass.

"Spencer one thing you can't feel guilty about is how you feel. You have every right to be upset about this. You can't help how you feel Sweets. I know you and I know how hard to struggled and fought to be out. I know the drama you went through, the battles you faced, hell I was going through a lot of them right there with you. I remember watching you throw a waste paper bin through a window after a client fired us off a commercial because we weren't 'morally right' for the job. Spencer I know what your sexuality means to you, it's a huge part of who you are. I know how hard you fought to be out and proud so I know that it goes against every principle you have to hide this," Eva said with understanding and sadness in her big green eyes.

"Thanks. I just never expected to feel like this Evie. I never thought I'd fall in love with her so fast. I mean it's me! I don't ever jump into things like this. I think things through, I'm rational and logical. I don't do things like this, I don't jump into closeted relationship. I don't let myself fall so completely, I thought I was smarter than that," I said with a sigh.

"Yeah well all of that is true, you don't jump into things and you do think things through, it can be really annoying sometimes, but what I think is that you can't have ever really been in love before. What you're describing is what happens when you fall in love, all rational thought goes out the window and you lose all control. I know this is scary for you Spence and I'm here for you, whatever you need," Eva said with a soft smile.

She really was an amazing friend. She had been with me through so much. I leaned over the table and gave her a hug, after I pulled back I said, "Ok Reynolds enough of this dramatic shit, how about you and I go and hit Grey so we can get our dance on?"

Eva grinned and climbed to her feet, holding out her hand to me she said, "Ok milady, let's hit it!"

I laughed and let her pull me to my feet. I needed to just forget all the drama for a while, let my hair loose and shake my ass on the dance floor!

A good five hours later I was hammered, had blisters on my feet and was being dropped off at my place in a cab. Eva had 'made friends' with a cute red head and bailed (after making me swear on her cell phone, her version of the bible, that I didn't mind her leaving) so I had danced with a few friends of ours we'd met up. It wasn't long before they decided I was way too drunk and put me in a cab to send me home.

I climbed out of the cab in front of my beach house after paying the driver and saw a familiar black Porsche sitting in my drive way. I grinned to myself drunkenly, I was so glad my girl was there, I had missed her tonight. As I staggered up the driveway a rather pissed off Ashley climbed out o f her car and started to move towards me, a less than impressed look on her face.

As she neared me I went to hug her only to be stopped by her hands as they grabbed my arms rather harshly while she shrieked, "Do you have any idea how worried I've been about you? Fuck Spencer I've been trying to call you all night!"

I looked at her in confusion, I hadn't heard my phone ring once all night, and it was on vibrate in my pocket so I would have known if it had. "Um no you didn't, my phone didn't ring once," I half slurred.

Ashley glared at me and snapped, "Yes I fucking did! Check your damn phone Spence!"

I scowled at her, pretty pissed at the way she was talking to me, "Fine!" I snapped as I jerked my arms out of her grip and pulled my phone out of my pocket. I held it up to my face and sighed before holding it up for Ashley to inspect, "My battery died Ash, I didn't get your calls."

Ashley looked at my phone then back at me with a sheepish look on her face, "Um sorry Spence. I shouldn't have snapped at you."

"No you shouldn't have," I muttered as I brushed past her and started staggering up to my front door, almost face planting it into my garden. I had been so happy to see her when I got home and now I just wanted her to piss off.

"Spence, don't be mad Baby. I'm sorry, I've just been worried about you," Ashley pleaded as she followed along behind me.

I rolled my eyes and fumbled around in my purse for my house keys, "Sure you were Ash, sure you were."

Ashley looked taken aback, "Excuse me? Of course I was worried about you Spence! I've been trying to call you for over three hours now. I tried your cell, home, work and hell I even tried Eva and couldn't get a hold of anyone. I have been worried sick!"

I finally managed to get my front door open and stumbled inside, dropping my keys, dead phone and purse on the table near my front door. "Well why were you even bothering Ash? Wasn't your little promotional club visit enough to keep you entertained?" I snarled cruelly. By this point the alcohol was firmly in control and all my insecurities were manifesting themselves into my verbal diarrhoea.

Ashley followed me in and grabbed my arm to spin me around to face her. She had a hard expression on her face as she said through gritted teeth, "Now I know you're drunk Spence so I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and pretend you never said that. So why don't you tell me where you were and then I'll help you into bed." I yanked my arm away from her and started walking away.

I laughed humourlessly and staggered down the hall to my bedroom with her on my heels, "Yeah sure, it's just the alcohol talking, keep telling yourself that Sweetheart."

Ashley grabbed my arm again and turned me so that she could look up into my glazed eyes, "What the fuck does that mean Spencer? What are you talking about?"

I laughed again and took a seat on my bed as I ran my hands through my long blonde hair, "It means that tonight sucked Ashley. I needed you, I needed to see you and you ditched me. I get it was for work and I know why you couldn't invite me along, but I won't sit here and insult your intelligence by saying it didn't hurt. This whole situation is painful for me Ashley. I hate this and if I wasn't so damn into you I would have walked by now."

I slumped back against the bed after saying that, completely passed out.

I woke up the next morning alone with a bottle of water and a few Advils on my night stand with a note which read,

_Hey Spence,_

_Drink the water and take the Advil baby coz I have a feeling you are going to need it. I just wanted to say that the entire time I was at that club last night I was thinking of you and that I left as soon as I could. I wanted to be with you last night, I want to be with you every day and every night._

_I know this situation is hard Baby, I know you hate hiding our relationship. I hate it too. Please Babe, please just hold on a little longer. Please just give me a little longer and we will get our happy ending, I promise you that._

_Give me a call sometime today. _

_I hope you feel alright._

_Love,_

_Ash_

_Xox_

I sighed and scooped up the Advils and water, she was right I definitely needed them!

-------------

Today was the day, after all the delays and postponements we were finally starting filming on Ashley's music video for Common Ground. I was not as excited about this shoot as I should be. Firstly I had to spend the next three days watching some guy pretend to be her lover, I guess the good part is that ultimately the song is about the lovers not getting along and struggling to find their common ground, kinda like Ashley and I these days.

I guess that leads me to my second point, things between Ashley and I had been pretty tense on and off. We had a lot of moments where everything was perfect, where I felt more loved and in tune with her than I have ever felt with anyone. But then there were moments where it just hurt and became harder and harder to hide our relationship. When it was good it was heaven, when it was bad it was heart breaking.

Exactly three people in the entire world knew we were dating, Ashley, me and Eva. It felt like some sordid little secret, something Ashley was ashamed of. No matter how much I knew in my heart of hearts that she cared about me, I couldn't help but question her commitment to me and our relationship. I was tired of being her dirty little secret. It made me question everything about our relationship.

I walked out onto the set of the video shoot which was expected to last for three days and surveyed the preparations. I had been a little bit of a monster in the preparation for this, I was determined that Ashley's debut video would be a major success.

I walked over to my director's chair and sat down to go over the shooting schedule. I was absorbed in my reading when someone sat beside me and thrust a jumbo Starbucks coffee in my face. I grinned and took the coffee, "Thanks Evie." I muttered before I took a much needed sip.

"You ok Carlin?" Eva asked as she settled into the chair next to mine.

I scoffed, "yeah I'm great."

"Now don't get grumpy with me Spencer Carlin, what's going on?" Eva asked as she bumped my shoulder with hers.

I gave her a little grin and murmured, "I'm just feeling the pressure to get this video perfect. There is a lot riding on it."

"Ah yes, if the video is a success it might help establish Ashley a loyal fan base so you two and jump out of the closet and ride off into the rainbow sunset together," Eva summarised with a knowing smile.

"Yeah something like that," I replied with a tight smile.

"It's going to be ok Spence, really," Eva said with a sympathetic smile.

I shrugged, "you know, it's getting harder and harder to believe that Evie. Um excuse me for a moment." I got to my feet and fled the sound stage. I headed out the back of the building and bummed a cigarette off one of the crew members. I had smoked right through college (mostly to piss my mother off if I'm honest) and had quit a few years back after Eva's Uncle Murray died of lung cancer and she had all but kicked my ass to get me to quit, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

I inhaled deeply on the cigarette and leaned heavily against the wall. I closed my eyes and took another drag, enjoying the feeling of the nicotine hitting my bloodstream…ah sweet toxic goodness. I was just blowing out a mouthful of smoke when I heard an all too familiar voice practically shout, "What the hell are you doing Spencer?"

I opened my eyes to find Ashley standing a few feet away from me with her arms crossed over her chest and a scowl on her beautiful face.

I shrugged, "I would have thought it was pretty obvious what I'm doing," I said raising my half smoked cigarette.

Ashley glared at me, "Fine smartass, then what the hell are you doing smoking then?"

I shrugged again, "I'm a recovering nicotine addict and I just fell off the wagon. Shit happens I guess." I can't honestly tell you why I was being such a bitch to her, it had been happening more and more often since the night she had gone to that club and ditched me for the first time (she had ditched me countless times during the weeks since then).

Ashley's scowl deepened and she took a step closer to me, in a soft voice she whispered, "Why the hell are you being like this? You act like this is only hard for you, it's not exactly all roses for me either Spencer!"

I laughed harshly and pushed myself off the wall, "Well the thing is Ashley that this is all within your control. If you are sick of hiding our relationship then stop hiding it. I am only back in the fucking closet because it's what you wanted. I have done everything you wanted, everything you have asked for. I have not spoken to you in public, I have refrained from telling anyone except Eva, I have lied to my friends and family and I have not objected to only seeing you at your place or mine so we don't get photographed together, can't have you being caught on camera with such a notorious lesbian!" I snapped almost under my breath.

"I am doing what I have to do Spencer, and you knew all this before you got into this thing with me. I never led you on, I was upfront with you. I can't be out now, why can't you just accept it!" Ashley snapped.

"Because it's fucking killing me Ash!" I shouted, blushing when nearby crew members looked over at us. I stomped on my cigarette out on the ground and sent Ashley a harsh glare, "You'd better get to hair and makeup. I am going to talk to your co-star, you know the _guy_ so the world won't think you're a dirty fucking lesbian!" I spun on my heel and stormed back inside.

The rest of the day passed by agonisingly slowly for me. There is nothing worse than having a fight with your secret girlfriend and then having to watch her pretend to be in a relationship with a guy, especially when you are the one telling them to hold hands and shit like that. I was just fucking grateful that the video did not call for them to kiss! I think that just might have killed me, or made me kill the poor guy who had no idea he was incurring my wrath.

After the shoot I sent Eva off on her date with the red head she'd met at Grey the other night and headed into the office to upload the footage and begin playing with the editing. I thought that throwing myself into work would take my mind off the awful fight I'd had with Ashley earlier that day.

I had been working for a couple of hours when I heard a miserable voice say softly from the doorway to my office, "How did I know I would find you here."

I looked up at Ashley as she leaned against my doorway with a lost, sad expression on her face and sighed, "I guess it's because I am annoyingly predictable. Why are you here Ash?"

"We have to talk Spence, I can't leave things the way we did," she said quietly as she took a hesitant step into my office.

I got up from my desk and walked around it to stand in front of her. I sighed tiredly again and pulled her to me in a fierce embrace. I felt her cling to me like I was a life raft that was keeping her a float and I was clinging to her in the exact same way.

We stood like that for the longest time, our arms crushing, almost punishing as they held each other, our faces tear stained as she rested hers on my shoulder and I rested mine on top of hers. We said nothing, neither of us having the words. We were at an impasse and we both knew it.

I couldn't keep existing in the closet and she couldn't come out yet. We both had our reasons for what we wanted and neither of us was wrong, we just needed different things. Deep down I knew that there was nothing we could do, that this gap between us was verging on being to big to bridge, but I couldn't let her go, for so much of our time together I could hold her in my arms and forget that we were together in secret and that was a tough thing to walk away from. I felt certain I would die without her, which was ridiculous given I hadn't known her long at all.

We said nothing to each other that night, the words we should have said remained unsaid like some many things between us. After I had held her in my arms for a long time I raised her face to mine and kissed her hard, the kiss was salty sweet with a mixture of both our tears. I kissed her until we were both breathless and then I kissed her some more.

We made love on the sofa in my office. It was silent and intense. No words were said, the only sounds was the sound of skin on skin and gasping breaths. Both of us cried the entire time because even though we couldn't voice it, neither of us had any fucking clue how to fix the problems between us.

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	16. Calm Before The Storm

**Thank you for the wonderful reviews yet again, many thanks and much love.**

shayer – yeah as great as it is to have people who read you, sometimes you kinda don't want it to be so easy for them. I think that neither girl is wrong, both have legit reasons for how they feel. Thanks

bethers85 – I agree with you, both girls have done things that are not right. Both need to stop and think about the other.

WillowOn3 – Yep that's true, neither are wrong and neither is entirely right either. I kinda like the heated exchanges too. I think you only really get that kind of heat with someone your passionate about, you don't have knock down drag out fights with people you only like. Hehe ok I'll let it simmer Honey

2bz2breading – Thank you. yeah that is exactly how Spencer feels, she struggled to be out and now being back in the closet is really hard for her. You're right Ashley was out of line, the situation is getting to both of them and that's how Ashley expressed it. Thanks again!

uluvme – the crying during sex was to highlight the hopelessness they are both feeling. Your paranoia is certainly seeming to become justified. Yep Spencer is a former smoker, and you're right Eva will always have her back. Thanks for sharing your thoughts

slushhy – Yep angst is here. I agree with you, both are right and wrong, this is not a black and white situation. I love Evie too!

DarceLynn – I will say that the sex in the last chapter was not specifically break up sex. Stick with it and feel free to bring the sharp stick out of retirement if you need to.

mutt009 – you are very right, they do need to figure out how to communicate and I agree that Ashley is being a little paranoid, Spencer could attend these events as her friend. Don't be scared, well ok maybe be scared…

momo0424, freakanatomy, ilovemyself26, LoveAhs87, drummergirl244 – Thanks for reviewing!

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine, Evie is mine**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Sixteen – Calm Before The Storm**

The rest of the shoot for Ashley's video passed relatively drama free. I would be lying if I didn't admit that every scene I directed of her and that guy who played her lover nearly made me homicidal, but for the sake of getting the work done I held back my pain and murderous tendencies and only let Eva see how I was suffering. She kinda caught me having a bit of a teary out the back of the soundstage, before she comforted me she reamed me for smoking (yeah she caught me lighting up and then proceeded to remind me in graphic details what I went through when I was trying to quit the first time and the reasons why, it was scary).

I knew that there was nothing between Ashley and this actor but I still killed me to watch them together. This video was like a reflection of everything that was wrong with our relationship, the lyrics of her song also fit all too well. Her song was all about two people being in a relationship but being unable to find a common ground between them, how true that was of us. I had found that the only way I was able to function was large amounts of denial, lots of cigarettes and booze when I was alone (never on the job, my work is too important to me).

Ashley and I seemed to have developed an unspoken agreement that we didn't speak of the problems between us during the shoot and in the time since. It was like we were overly polite, over cautious with each other. I didn't like it one bit. Our banter was gone, in its place there was this overly nice repertoire that made me hardly able to recognise us anymore. We talked, but didn't really communicate. The only area of our relationship that was still thriving was our sex life.

I threw myself into work, both on the video and my new movie. I had finished the screen play which now had a rather hopeful ending, reflecting I guess how I wished for my own love life to turn out. I was hoping extra hard for a happy ending with me and Ashley, and becoming more and more sure that it wasn't going to happen. It's true what they say, sometimes love just ain't enough.

It was now a week since the shoot finished and Eva and I had just finished the editing and sent the video over to Ashley and Ethan, who had loved it, or so Ethan had told me over the phone. Ashley hadn't even contacted me to tell me she'd seen the video. That kind of stung a little. Was it too much to ask for a phone call? I don't know, sometimes I felt like I was overreacting, being oversensitive and maybe too hard on her...the thing is I just couldn't stop feeling the way I was.

I had stayed late at work, firstly to finish two commercials we had been working on and secondly to do some work on my movie. I had the screen play done, a shooting schedule developed and even some locations sorted and now I was calling actor friends of mine to try and convince them to work for almost no money on my little indie film.

I had a strangely good feeling about this film. I felt like it might be the film that would help me break into features properly. I loved what I did, but had always dreamed of making movies and this might just help me get there.

I had just suckered two of my good friends into playing the leads in my film when I heard a voice from my door way, "Do you ever plan on going home Spence? I waited at your place for like an hour then figured I'd come find you here," Ashley said as she walked into my office to take a seat across from me.

"Uh yeah I was just doing some work on the movie," I explained as I took a sip of my now lukewarm coffee, grimacing at the revolting taste. Coffee should only be drunk hot.

"Ok, well um I just wanted to tell you how much I loved the video, you did an awesome job Spence. I mean really it was better than I ever imagined it could be," Ashley said with a small smile. We had been so awkward around each other these last couple of days and it royally sucked.

"Um thanks, Eva did most of the editing and I think she put it together really well. I'm glad you liked it," I said softly, looking down at my hands.

"Spence..." Ashley began.

"Hmm?"

"What's going on with us?" She asked in a pained voice as she broke our unspoken rule not to mention what was going in our relationship.

I snapped my eyes up from my desk to meet her tear filled brown eyes and felt tears start to run down my own face, "Uh we're just going through a rough patch right now I guess." I knew it was so much more than that, but saying it out loud would make it all too real and I wasn't sure I was ready for that.

Ashley nodded and bit her lip, "It's more than that isn't it Spence?"

I closed my eyes against the onslaught of tears that started to fall and swallowed around the lump in my throat. I wished with all my heart that she would just let it go and not make me talk about it. I heard her footsteps and kept my eyes closed as she knelt in front of me and pulled me into her arms, "Spencer I care about you so damn much and I don't want to lose you. You are the best thing in my life, but I can't do what you want me to do yet, I just can't."

I nodded and kept my eyes closed as I clung to her. Here it was again, the impasse. I sighed and then choked out, "I know Ash, I know. I'll wait, but please don't make me wait forever."

I opened my eyes and locked my gaze on hers. She looked so torn, so sad. I hated to see her hurting like that. I pulled her closer to me and kissed her gently on crown of her head. She buried her face in my neck and murmured, "It's going to be ok Spence, I know it is." Oh God how I wished I believed her.

---------------

I was working from home one afternoon, about a week after we had finished working on Ashley's video, the single and video were due to be launched in a few days (finally), working on my movie. Eva and I had decided to reduce our workload a little to enable me to devote more time to the movie. Eva was great like that, she was eternally supportive and helped me reach for my dreams. We were like the ultimate pair, we totally rocked, even more than like Ben Affleck and Matt Damon…plus we were way hotter.

In fact she had come round to my place to help me do some work. We had held auditions the day before for the parts I hadn't cast yet and were now going over the actors to do final casting. This whole production was being done by us. From the writing, filming, editing, casting and financing, it was our baby.

"I think he was perfect, he has the right look of macho arrogance for that role, people will believe that he truly thinks he can convert her from lesbianism," Eva explained as she laid a headshot in front of me. I looked thoughtfully at the picture and nodded, as always she was right.

"Hmm yeah I agree. Ok so that was the last one, we have our cast. We'll call some agents tomorrow and get it all set up. We'll get their schedules and try to figure out when we can get the filming done. Wow this is all coming together so easily...the cynic in me is waiting for the shit to fall on us!" I said, half seriously.

Eva chuckled, "Nuh I think we'll be right. It's all working so well because of all the passion and work you are putting into it Spence. You wanna tell me why you're throwing yourself so hard into this thing?"

I looked down at my hands and bit my lip, "You know why. I have always wanted this Evie. This film could mean big things for us and our company and dude I wanna be the female Tarantino!"

Eva grinned and nodded, "Ok Carlin if that's your story I'm happy to run with it. So how are things with you and Ash these days?"

I sighed, fuck I do that a lot, "Um things are ok, better I think. Once the single and video is launched I'll feel better, at least then things are moving forward. It's going to be ok Evie." I said that as much to reassure her as myself.

"Ok well I don't know about you but I'm wrecked. I say we throw on some of that E news goodness and laugh at the trashy celebs, they are so fucked up it makes me feel better about myself and we all need that," Eva said as she dramatically threw herself back on my sofa and flicked on the T.V. I laughed and joined her on the sofa just as the intro started.

I was barely paying attention to the T.V. until a familiar name caught my attention. '_and tonight we have the scoop about the daughter of Rock Royalty, Ashley Davies, catching the eye of basketballs newest superstar, Aiden Dennison. Stay tuned for more after these messages.'_

I sat and stared at the T.V. in shock. This was not happening! I let out a choked little sob and felt the blood rush from my face as Eva wrapped an arm around my shoulder, "Relax Spence, this is just a stupid rumour. You know Ashley is not with that Jock Strap, yeah her agent got her to do some publicity stuff with him, but she loves you!" Lately Ashley's publicist and agent had been pairing her and this Aiden, who was a friend from high school or something, up at a lot of events they were sending her to. To say I didn't like it might have been a mild understatement.

I shook my head and spat out venomously, "Sure she does, she just loves her career more." Before Eva could respond E news came back on and the presenter stood in front of a picture that clearly showed Ashley in a heated embrace with this Aiden at a club. I felt tears spill down my cheeks as I listened to what the presenter had to say.

'_Ashley Davies, daughter of late rock legend Raife Davies and talented rocker in her own right, her debut single is due for release in just days, has been photographed with the Lakers new rising star point guard Aiden Dennison. The pair set the rumour mill into overdrive this week when they were spotted in an intimate embrace at the opening of the new club, Honorary. Sources close to the Rocker Princess advise that the pair have known each other since high school and were recently reacquainted when Dennison was drafted to the Lakers from the Bobcats. The source went on to say that they've been inseparable ever since, sharing intimate dinners and nights of dancing and romance at L.A.'s hot spots. Dennison's rep has confirmed the rumours, saying that the pair are in the early stages of a relationship and are enjoying their time together. Davies' reps have yet to issue a statement. I wish those crazy kids all the best!'_

Eva snatched the remote off me at that point and switched off my T.V. I climbed to my feet, shock settling over my body in the form of a creeping numbness that left me unable to feel anything at all. I welcomed it. I knew that the pain that was waiting in the wings to pounce on me was gonna sting like a mother fucker and I planned to put that off for as long as humanly possible.

I stumbled almost unconsciously into the kitchen and pulled the vodka from my freezer. I heard Eva walk into the room behind me and I snarled, "Please have the sense to not tell me that getting drunk is not the way to deal with this. I don't know how to deal with this so I am going to drink until I pass out while probably crying like a baby and cursing the world. Is that ok?"

Eva stepped up to my side and nodded, "I was going to ask you to pour me a glass too."

I smiled harshly and handed her a glass of straight vodka, taking the bottle for myself while carrying a second bottle in my hand.

An entire bottle later and I was beyond drunk and very willing to tell a still reasonably sober Eva exactly what I was feeling, "So Ashley is a fucking bitch right. I mean what the fuck? She keeps me her hidden, dirty little lesbian mistress while finding herself a pretty boy basket baller to fit the perfect little image Ethan and his crusty old father have put together for her. It's like she's having her cake and eating _me_ too! Is it just me or is all this just a little bit fucked up?"

Eva leaned back against the sofa, which was where I had decided to drink away my pain. "Well Spence I think it's pretty fucked up, but I also think you should talk to Ashley and get her side of things before you believe what the rumours on a pretty unreliable show say about her. She is crazy about you Spence and I bet she had no fucking clue that this story was going to be on T.V. give her a chance to explain," Eva said, trying to reason with my drunk ass, an impossible task.

"Humph! I don't think so Evie, she's a bitch. I mean come on isn't it all so convenient that this story breaks after we finish her video? She would never want to jeopardise her precious career so she kept me sweet with her lies and sex and hot body and sex...oh wait I said sex already...wait where was I?...hmm oh yeah I remember! She kept me sweet until I fulfilled my usefulness and now she's movin' on up to bigger and better things. It's like fucking Toni all over again! How the fuck did I let myself get sucked in again!" I cried out, my lower lip trembling as fat tears began to fall.

"Ok Spence I know you're drunk, but you had still better fucking listen to me. Ashley Davies is _nothing_ like Toni. Ashley is kind and genuine and she loves you, you dumb slut. Now come on Spence, she is risking her record deal being with you. She has never given you a reason not to trust her so give her the fucking benefit of the doubt and let her explain, Fuck Spence!" Eva snapped at me. Oops I guess I pissed her off.

I pouted up at her and muttered drunkenly, "fine I will, but not coz you told me to. I'll talk to her coz I wanna, you aren't the boss of me Reynolds!"

Eva rolled her eyes and smirked, "sure Carlin, whatever works for you. Now I think it's time I put you to bed so you can sleep off all the booze."

I shook my head and crossed my arms over my chest for a moment before I took another mouthful of the second bottle of vodka I had sitting on my coffee table. The night becomes a little blurry after this so I'll pass the story telling over to my lovely friend...by the way don't believe a word she says, she lies!

Eva's POV

I held back a sigh as Spencer downed another mouthful of vodka. She had been turning to alcohol more and more lately as things with Ashley got worse. I really hated seeing her like this. Even with Toni it was never this bad, the way Spence feels about Ashley was bigger and more intense than anything she had ever felt for anyone.

Spencer was an amazing person and deserved more than constantly getting her heart beaten and battered. I had been watching her go from one bad relationship to another since the day I met her and it broke my heart.

Spencer was a good person, she was fucking hot, and she had so much to offer people, I have no idea how she kept getting herself into situations where her heart had to take such a damn beating. One thing I was sure of though, was that Ashley was not intentionally hurting Spencer. I had watched them together and trust me when I say the way Ashley feels about Spencer is written clearly in her eyes every time my blonde best friend steps into her field of vision.

Ashley was not deliberately hurting Spencer, but that didn't change the fact that she was. Spencer had fallen fucking hard for this girl. I had thought that after Toni Spencer would never open herself up again and then bam, she did and now it was fucking backfiring on her. Life could certainly be a cruel bitch sometimes!

"Carlin I think you've had enough vodka for tonight, c'mon bed time!" I said in a sing song voice, hoping it might get her to agree and go willingly.

Spencer looked thoughtful for a second while she pondered my suggestion and then she glared suspiciously at me and hugged her vodka bottle to her chest with a pout on her lips, "you just want my vodka all to yourself, don't lie I can see your treachery Eva Reynolds!"

I bit my lip to hold back my laughter and shook my head, "Spencer I promise you I don't want your vodka sweetie, I just want to put your drunk ass to bed so I can get some sleep myself."

Spencer glared at me again and staggered to her feet, "Nope I don't wanna sleep, I feel like dancing!" Spencer hit play on the cd player and the Scissor Sister's I Don't Feel Like Dancing came blaring out the speakers. Spencer kicked off her shoes and began shaking her ass and jumping around like a kid who didn't get their Ritalin. I laughed and got to my feet so that I'd be able to grab her drunk ass before she face planted it on her hard wood floor and busted up her pretty face.

Spencer was singing loudly, really off-key and totally making up lyrics that I'm sure weren't even real words. I'd relay them to you now but I couldn't decipher them. In the middle of one of the choruses Spencer stopped in the middle of her very enthusiastic robot and turned to me with a puzzled expression, "You know what doesn't make sense?"

"What's that Blondie?" I asked amused.

"Well this song is called I Don't Feel Like Dancing, but it makes you want to dance...there is no sense in that! You know what else doesn't make sense?" Spencer asked, her expression becoming hard.

"What Spencer?" I asked gently.

"It doesn't make sense that Ashley would even like that big steroid filled basket ball player. I am waaaay prettier that he could ever be, right Evie?" Spencer asked in a scared little voice.

"Totally Spence, that douche bag has nothing on you Babe. Now will you let me put you to bed Carlin? You are going to feel like utter shit tomorrow, but if you don't get sleep you'll feel worse." Spencer sighed and nodded. I slung my arm around her waist and pretty much dragged her down the hall to her bedroom. For a skinny girl she is a fucking dead weight when she's wasted!

I dropped her as carefully as I could on her bed and began the challenging task of getting her ready for bed while she swatted my hands away and told me that she was for Ashley's eyes only. She then shoved me away so that I fell on my ass on her floor and got to her feet. She told me if I wanted to get her naked, she'd give me a one off show that I'd never forget.

The next thing I knew Spencer was dancing around singing All That Jazz while stripping off her clothes. I managed to stop the dance before too many items of clothing were shed, we were down to a bra and she had her jeans down to her knees, and got her into her pjs then into bed. As soon as her drunk ass hit the bed she was unconscious, or so I thought. I kissed her gently on the cheek and grabbed a bucket and bottle of water with some pain killers, she would be needing those I'd wager.

As I sat the water and pills next to her bed I heard a broken voice whisper, "you know Ashley left me water and pills the other day after she put me to bed. Do you think we'll be ok Evie?"

I sat beside her and pulled her into my arms as she began to sob. "Spence, I really do believe that you two will be ok and no matter what I am always going to be here for you. I know this hurts right now, but it's going to be ok," I said in a fruitless attempt to comfort her.

Spencer just sobbed harder and clung to me. I sat with her until sleep finally overtook her and then I tucked her in. I had a feeling that things were going to get worse for my blonde girl before they got better.

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	17. Good Morning Isn’t It?

**Thank you for reviewing.**

momo0424, taymm15, LoveAsh87 – Thanks for reviewing

DontMindBnCrazy – glad to have you back! Thanks, I honestly don't feel that either is completely right or wrong. Both Spencer and Ashley have justifiable reasons for the way they think and act. I like writing Spencer with a bit of attitude, its more fun!

uluvme – I understand how you feel, all I ask is that you bare with me and give this story a chance. I think I've mentioned that it is written up to chapter 28 now so I know where this is going, please just bare with me.

mutt009 – Oh don't be afraid, it will all work out. I promise to be careful with your heart!

WillowOn3 – I think you are the only person glad to see Aiden pop up to add drama lol. Yes Eva is wise and exactly what Spencer needs right now. Thanks so much for another wonderful review, I will admit that this is fun for me. I love seeing people reactions, even when they're pissed off lol. In my opinion, drinking your troubles away rarely helps, it feels good at the time but when you wake up with a killer hangover the problem is still there.

2bz2breading – I understand why you think Ashley is being an idiot, and I won't disagree. Like I've said before, I don't think either is right in this situation. You're also right that Spencer needs to think this through before a liver transplant is needed!

slushhy – yep you called it, I always planned on bringing Aiden into this. They do need to talk honestly, we'll see what happens.

shayer – Eva is awesome. Excellent point, alcohol offers only temporary relief and when you wake up feeling like death the next day the problems are still there (this part of the story is taken from my experiences lol). Got you wrapped up in the story huh? That's cool lol

somthgIlike2do – the honeymoon is definitely over and now reality is kicking them in the butt. Spencer is a little self-destructive, but I think in the circumstances I'd be the same.

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Seventeen – Good Morning Isn't It?**

Eva's POV

I woke up to a loud banging on the door and for a second freaked out when I realised I wasn't in my own bed. I sat up, expecting to find some random beside me and glanced around, calming down when I found myself in Spencer's guest room, which was actually my second bedroom. I bolted down to the front door to stop the insane person banging on it from waking the beast that was Spencer Carlin with a hangover.

I threw open the door, prepared to scream blue murder (quietly of course, I didn't want to wake the _thing_) at the idiot on the other side, but the words died on my lips when I came face to face with the tear stained cheeks and sad eyes of one very distressed Ashley Davies.

"Eva? What are you doing here? Is Spencer here?" Ashley asked, her voice husky and choked up.

I frowned at her and nodded, "yeah she's here and why am I here? Well Ash, I'm here because my best friend needed me last night. You know after she saw her girlfriend coupled up with some jock strap on T.V. she decided to drink herself into oblivion, Spencer kinda needed someone. Question is where were you Ashley? A heads up about the news story would have been nice."

I know I was being a little hard on Ashley, but Spencer was my best friend and you mess with her, you mess with me. I don't really have a family, they all disowned me when I came out, so Spencer is all I have. I could get very 'Mama Bear' about my Spencer.

"I didn't know until this morning when my publicist called to tell me. If I had known I would have warned her, you know that. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt her, you have to know that Eva," Ashley explained pleadingly as her eyes began to fill with tears again.

I frowned a bit more and then let my expression soften, "yeah I know. Look you can come in, but she is still asleep and she is going to be more than a little fragile when she wakes up so please be gentle with her. She really cares about you Ashley, she is just really struggling with hiding this relationship. I don't know if she told you this, but her brother called her the other day and she lied to him for the first time since before her other brother died. Do you know what she lied about?"

Ashley looked so guilty I almost regretted sharing this information, "It was about me, about her relationship with me. I know how hard this is for her Eva, I do, and I wish that things could be different, but right now it's just not in the cards. I don't want to lose her." Ashley bit her lip and her tears started to fall.

I dragged her into the house and settled her on the sofa. I sat beside her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, "I know you don't. You really need to talk to her Ashley, and I have to ask, is there any truth to the story about you and that Dennison guy?"

Ashley flinched liked I'd slapped her and a look of hurt crossed her face, "Of course not! I would never cheat on Spencer and plus I'm gay! I have known Aiden since high school and yes we did date before I came out, but that's it. We're friends now and that's all. I swear to you."

I nodded, "Ok, well I'm gonna go because I know you and Spencer have a lot to talk about. Tell her I'll call her later." I got to my feet and headed towards the door, pausing to look back at her, "Please don't hurt her any more Ashley, Spencer is not as strong as she wants everyone to believe she is."

With that I turned on my heel and left, hoping that things were going to work out for my best friend.

Spencer's POV

I woke up and groaned as the sun from my partially open curtain hit me square in the eyes and sent a blinding surge of pain through my head. I tried to roll away from the light, but the movement sent a wave of nausea through me and I had to freeze to prevent the food I'd eaten the day before from making a reappearance. I knew starting on that second bottle of vodka would come back to bite me in the ass.

I heard footsteps on my carpet and blissfully the curtains were pulled closed, blocking out the pain inducing sun light. I groaned my thanks and rolled slowly onto my back. I felt the bed dip as someone sat beside me. I was kind of surprised when Eva didn't say anything so I inched my eyes open to find a contrite and lost looking Ashley sitting beside me.

In the moment our eyes locked the events of the night before came rushing back to me and I clenched my eyes shut against the onslaught of tears. I felt her hand hesitantly reach up to stroke my face and tuck some lose strands of blonde hair behind my ear before I flinched away from her touch and tried to roll over. I had barely moved when I had to lean over the side of the bed and throw up into the bucket that Eva had thankfully had the forethought to leave for me.

I shrugged off Ashley's hand as she moved it to my shoulder and ignored her when she asked me of I needed anything. Once I had emptied my stomach and was more dry retching then anything I slowly slid out of my bed, careful to avoid touching her.

My mind was spinning, racing over everything that I had heard last night, not to mention the fact that I kind of felt like I was dying. I was seriously sure I had alcohol poisoning. I staggered to my bathroom, clutching my stomach and struggling not to cry.

I heard her footsteps following me and I kind of just wanted her to go away. I knew we needed to have a serious conversation and I knew it was going to be a tough one, I wasn't entirely sure I was up for that kind talk in my present condition.

I went to shut the bathroom door behind me, only to have Ashley shove her way in and stand there staring at me as tears made their way down her cheeks.

I shook my head and moved to the bath to run some water, adding some honey bubble bath. I needed a good long soak so I could wallow in how wretched I felt, both physically and emotionally. While the water was running I went to the sink and rinsed out my mouth, to rid myself of the taste of vomit. After that I perched on the edge of the tub and held my head in my hands. I heard a little sniffle and my heart started screaming at me to go and hold my girl in my arms, to do anything to comfort her.

I heard her take a deep shuddering breath before she choked out, "Would you please let me explain Spencer? It's not what you think."

I scoffed and raised my head to face her as tears began streaming down my face as well. I looked into her eyes and almost broke at the pain I saw there. I felt my lower lip tremble as I cleared my throat to speak, "What is there to explain Ashley?"

Ashley took a step closer to me and bit her lip, "There is nothing going on between me and Aiden, you have to know that."

I laughed harshly, "Do you think I'm an idiot? Of course there is nothing between you and Aiden. That is not what this is about." I tore my eyes from hers to turn around and turn off the taps over the bath.

When I turned back around to face her, she looked incredibly confused, "If you don't think I'm cheating on you then why are you so angry with me?"

I angrily swiped at the tears on my cheeks and glared at her, "why am I so angry? I'm angry because I am your dirty little secret and you are perfectly fine with letting the world think you're dating that meathead. Don't you even care how much that hurts me? Fuck Ash! You know it almost feels like…" I trailed off, not entirely sure I should say what was on my mind. I had learnt that sometimes it was better to keep your mouth shut.

"Almost feels like what Spence?" Ashley demanded, a scowl settling over her gorgeous face.

I sighed and shook my head, "it almost feels like you only want to be with me in secret, that you never want to be out with me publicly. It feels like you are just stringing me along with promises of us being out soon when you never intend to actually do it. It feels like you are only ever going to be with me in the shadows and that I will forever have to watch you pretend to be with Aiden or some other meathead like him instead of me. It's like you having your cake and eating it too." I cocked my head as the last line I said gave me a drunken flashback...unable to fully remember I shrugged and gazed at her as I mumbled, "It feels like you get me on the side and then get the 'socially acceptable' career benefiting relationship with whatever male heart-throb your publicist finds for you next."

Ashley raised a hand to cover her mouth as her sobs became more violent. I turned away from her and gripped the edge of the bath tub as my own sobs tore through my body. I was crying so hard I didn't hear her cross the room to stand behind me. I felt her warm, strong arms circle my waist and pull me gently against her.

"Spencer that is so not true. I can't wait for the day when I can tell the whole world you're mine. I hate hiding us, I do but I have worked so damn hard and my music means so much to me I just can't let anything mess that up," She explained tearfully, her voice muffled as she buried her face against my back.

"By anything you mean me. You won't let _me_ mess up your music career," I stated in an emotionless tone. I shoved her arms away and moved away. I kept my back to her and began to get undressed. I heard her breath hitch (probably involuntarily) as I dropped my tank top and underwear to the floor. I stepped gingerly into the hot water of the bath and sunk beneath the bubbles, feeling so completely wretched I just wanted to sink down into the water and stay there.

Ashley stood motionlessly next to the tub, her eyes still overflowing with tears, "Spencer…I uh…"

I held up a hand and cut her off, "There's nothing to say Ashley. You can't deny it because we both know it's the truth. Your music is everything to you and you won't let anything stand in the way, even me. I get it, I do. You and I are stuck at an impasse here. You won't come out and I can't stay closeted and watch you pretend to date people who aren't me. I don't know where to go from here."

Ashley sighed tiredly and took a seat on the edge of the bath, "I know," she whispered so quietly I hardly heard her. It was as if she couldn't bring herself to say it out loud.

I leaned back against the cold porcelain of my tub and ran a hand through my hair, "So what do we do Ashley? It shouldn't be this hard."

I think I may have pissed Ashley off with my last statement because she jumped to her feet, her mocha eyes flashing furiously at me, "Nothing worthwhile ever comes easily Spencer! Don't give up on me, don't you dare give up on me! I need you, I want to be with you. Things are hard right now, but they will get better. Don't you give up on me dammit!"

I looked up at her, pretty taken aback. I breathed deeply and locked my eyes on hers, "So what do you propose we do then?"

"I want you to give me more time. The single and video are being launched in two days! Wait til that happens and then give me a month, one month for things to take off. Please give me more time Baby," Ashley said, her voice cracking as her emotions started getting the better of her again.

I looked deeply into her eyes as I pondered walking away now. I closed my eyes in defeat. Even though intellectually I knew I should run, I just couldn't do it. I opened my eyes and nodded, "ok, I'll give you time, but could we please start seeing each outside our houses. I know we can't be all coupley in public, but we could…I don't know…be friends?"

Ashley looked away and wouldn't meet my eye. I shook my head and sunk deeper into the water, it looked like we'd hit another impasse. I was willing to hide for a little longer, but hell I needed her to be reasonable and meet me halfway. It couldn't all be her way, that wasn't fair. Ashley cleared her throat and spoke hesitantly, "Spence we can't just hang out in public, I mean…uh…we um."

I sat up a bit and laughed bitterly, "Oh I get it, the fact that I am an out and proud lesbian means that we can't even go out together as friends. Wow Ashley I always knew that the biggest homophobes were closet cases."

Ashley stiffened then and I knew I had gone too far. Her eyes narrowed and she glared at me, "Fuck you Spencer, fuck you!" She turned on her heel then and bolted from my bathroom.

I scrambled out of the tub and ran, dripping wet and naked, after her. "Ashley wait, fuck…would you please just stop!" I caught up with her in the hall way near my front door and grabbed her arm to stop her leaving, almost slipping on my ass as my wet feet slid on the hard wood floor.

"Spencer let me go, seriously just let me go!" She practically screamed at me as tears ran down her face.

"No, I won't. You know I didn't mean what I said, this is just hard and you don't seem willing to budge even a little. I am hiding for you, lying to my friends and family and I don't think it is too much to ask that occasionally we go to a café, or the movies, to a restaurant or maybe to the beach. I'm not saying I want to go to the Santa Monica Pier and straddle you, I just want to see you somewhere that is not my house, your apartment or my office. I'm just asking you to work with me here, to compromise with me. I'm sorry for what I said, you know I didn't mean it," I murmured, gazing into her eyes the whole time so she could see the sincerity in what I was saying.

I released her arms and took a step back. Ashley looked down at the ground and then dragged her eyes up my body before she closed the gap between us and pulled my damp, naked body into her arms. As soon as we were wrapped up in each other we both started to cry again. Our tears flowed on unchecked as we clung to each other.

We both pulled back slightly at the same time and then crushed our lips together. Things got a little hazy after that. Ashley led me back into the bathroom and we both worked feverishly to get her out of her clothes. Once that was done she helped me into the bath and climbed in so that she was straddling my waist.

We were rough with each other in that tub. It was almost like we had something to prove. Touches were harsh and punishing, the fine line between pleasure and pain was stepped over more times than was usual for us. I will admit it wasn't really helping my hangover all that much, but all I cared about was making her mine in the most primal of ways.

Usually Ashley and I made love, that morning in my bath tub we fucked, pure and simple. We fucked. We marked each others bodies possessively. It was hot, hungry fucking that had little emotional intimacy behind it. Afterwards we climbed into my bed and fell asleep snuggled in each others arms.

It was becoming an all too familiar habit with us. We fight, don't really resolve anything and then have sex as a means of distracting us from that fact. Nothing was ever resolved with us, but we pushed that aside and pretended we were ok, even though deep down we both knew we weren't.

I had hope though, that after our screaming match this morning things would improve a little. A month was ok, I could wait a month and maybe if she compromised just a little we would get through this. I just hated the feeling that I was the only one willing to compromise in our relationship.

Ah well time would tell.

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	18. Launch Party

**Thanks for all the reviews. I am loving the strong reactions. The opinions are pretty varied. Some people are on Spencer's Side, some on Ashley's and some are more in the middle.**

**2bz2breading, drummergirl244, LoveAsh87, .HEART, sulshhy, ilovemyself26, somthgIlike2do,mutt009, WillowOn3, shayer and uluvme - I love reading your thoughts, so thank you for sharing them with me. **

**I feel the frustration many of you are feeling, all I can say is stick with the story and I hope you share your thoughts and opinions with me.**

**Usual disclaimer, SoN not mine, but Eva is the product of my twisted little brain**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Eighteen – ****Launch Party**

I dressed carefully for the coming night. Tonight was the launch party for Ashley's single and music video and as director and producer of the video Eva and I had scored VIP passes.

I wanted this night to go well for Ashley, despite everything that had been going wrong between us, I wanted her to get the success she so rightly deserved. Plus on a completely selfish note, the sooner she was a roaring success, the sooner I could get my relationship out of the freaking closet and into the real world.

I stepped out of my bedroom and wandered down the hall to my living room where I found Eva sitting on my sofa watching MTV. As I walked in she looked up at me absently and then turned back to the T.V. for a second before her eyes snapped back to me and she let out a low whistle, "Damn Spence, you look hot! If you weren't practically family I'd totally tap that!"

I giggled and did a little twirl. She was right though I looked hot, and no I am not being egocentric, I am just being honest. I was wearing a strapless black silk dress that fell to about mid-calf with a split up to mid thigh. The dress was made out of layered silk with the bottom hems hanging at different lengths with each layer, giving the bottom a jagged look.

I had my long blonde hair up in a messy bun with loose tendrils of hair falling down to frame my face. I had dark, smoky eye shadow on with thick black eye liner and mascara to make my lashes long and luxurious. I had a soft muted pink lip gloss on my lips, remembering the first rule of lesbianism, wear clear or barely coloured lip gloss.

I was wearing black heels that made me tower over my very short friend and had accessorised with a plum coloured silk wrap, a wide purple and silver bangle and a gorgeous little black Prada clutch.

I beamed over at Eva and said, "Why thank you Evie, you look gorgeous yourself!" And she did. Eva was wearing a charcoal grey dress which had a single strap over her left shoulder. Her shoulder length ash blonde hair was in soft curls while her big green eyes shone with a little additional green eye shadow and black eye liner. She was teetering around in three inch black pumps, making the top of her head just hit my shoulder.

"Yeah we're totally hot property, now let's hit it!" Eva said as she scoped up her bag and grabbed my hand. I giggled and let her pull me along behind her, even though it was going to be hard to be at this party and watch Ashley with her 'date', Aiden (yeah I wasn't impressed but I had bitten my tongue to keep the peace), I knew that going with Eva would be fun and it was great publicity for our production company.

Eva led me out to her car and held open the door for me, "Wow such a gentleman Evie!" I gushed.

Eva giggled and bowed chivalrously before walking around and climbing into her mustang. We sung obnoxiously along with the radio on the way to the club where Ashley's launch party was being held. I think Eva was trying to keep me laughing so that I wouldn't start to dwell on the fact I was _not_ going to this party as my girlfriend's date. On the surface it was working, but inside…not so much.

Once we arrived at the club, Eva reluctantly handed her keys over to the valet giving him a death glare as she muttered, "One scratch on her buddy and I make a necklace out of your testicles." The poor valet swallowed hard and scrambled away from her, glancing fearfully back over his shoulder every few seconds. Eva glared at him as he drove her car away at a snails pace.

"Was that really necessary Evie?" I asked, putting my hands on my hips and facing her with an amused grin.

"No it wasn't, but it sure was fun! Come on Carlin, let's go get some drinks!" Eva took my hand and led me forcibly inside. I have to admit I liked that our VIP passes meant that we got to bypass the crazy long line and go right on in. It was a nice little ego boost.

We made a beeline for the bar while glancing around at the place. It looked awesome. There were large posters of Ashley everywhere, along with huge copies of her single cover and stills from the music video. Damn my girl is hot, remind me to steal one of the posters later…it will be a super souvenir and would look really good on the ceiling above my bed.

We were standing at the bar after Eva had procured us a couple of vodka, lime and sodas chatting when Ethan came over and wrapped his yucky guy arm around me. "Hey ladies, so glad you're here! Looking lovely as always," Ethan said as his travelled slowly up my body. It so made me want a shower…after I had slugged him in the nose.

"Hey Ethan, glad we could be here, can't wait to see the response to the video, its being broadcast on MTV tonight too isn't it?" Eva asked, trying unsuccessfully to get his attention off me.

Ethan tightened his hold on me and smirked, "Sure is Eva, live as we play it here. With two hot and talented ladies behind the video and a rocker princess on screen it should be huge!"

I smiled uncomfortably and tried to subtly shift his arm off me. He smelt gross, like a guy and the aftershave I was fairly certain he had bathed in, and it was making me nauseous. Ethan seemed to really not want to let me go as he held me tighter. I had no freaking clue how he thought he had a chance with me, my sexuality was public fucking knowledge and how was he not catching my looks of revulsion every time he touched me? Man guys are dumb! I am so glad I'm a lesbian!

Thankfully Eva sensed my growing desire to separate Ethan from his manhood and took my hand, "Sorry Marks but I'm gonna steal Spence so we can head to the bathroom. You know how us girls like to do that in groups!"

Ethan reluctantly let go of me and smiled thinly at us, "Ok, but I'll catch you later right? Spence you owe me a dance!"

I smiled briefly before dragging Eva away. As soon as we were out of earshot and hidden behind a mass of people I shuddered violently and made a loud retching sound, "Ok that was disgusting. Why won't he take a hint?"

Eva bit her lip to wisely hold back her laughter and then choked out, "I dunno Spence, you are so gay."

"I _know_! I am so gay I make Bert and Ernie look straight!" I exclaimed. Hey you gotta give me that one, Bert and Ernie are so clearly life partners, don't let the separate beds fool you!

Eva started to giggle and I shook my head before joining her. We were still laughing when a familiar husky voice said from behind me, "What's so funny?"

I spun around to find Ashley standing behind me looking more beautiful than I had ever seen her. She was wearing a pair of black shorts that left her amazing legs on display, and made me picture them wrapped around me as I… well I'm not going to finish that train of thought in a public place. She had on a black waist coat over a red and black bra and several black leather cuffs on her arms. Her hair was out in lose, wild curls that I just wanted to bury my hands in and she was a few inches shorter than me in her red and black check heels. She looked fucking hot.

I swallowed and put what I hoped was a friendly, rather than predatory, smile on my face before I answered her, "Um we were just laughing about Ethan hitting on me again. Since the day I met him he had been a little obvious about his crush on me, no matter how often it has been thrown in his face that he is not really my type."

A look that might have been jealousy crossed her face before it was replaced by a neutral look and half smile, "Ah yes, he is a little too obvious about it huh?" Eva and I both nodded and then took synchronised sips of our drinks which made us giggle and Ashley look at us rather confused.

I smiled at her and explained, "Eva and I used to get teased at college for being synchronised drinkers. Apparently we usually drink at the exact same time. There one time we were on opposite sided of the room and couldn't see each other and a friend of ours who was DJing up on stage swore she saw us drink in sync all night," I rolled my eyes, "It's silly but actually pretty accurate."

Ashley nodded with a slight smile, she did not seem nearly as happy as I thought she would be. Tonight was a huge night for her career and she didn't seem the appropriate level of excited in my layman's opinion. I mean I was excited and it wasn't even my single.

"Um you guys look great," Ashley mumbled, her eyes glued to me. Eva rolled her eyes, clearly getting that 'you guys' really just meant me.

I smiled softly, "yeah you too." I would have said more but was silenced when a big bag of muscles came over and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. I bit back the first snarky comment that flew into my head and fought my instinct to glare and then kick him so hard in the balls his junk was up inside him and looked like a vagina. It was Aiden. I would recognise his steroid filled body and tiny head any day, especially seeing as he and Ashley had been gracing the covers of a lot of magazines and tabloids in the days since that E story aired.

"Hey there, I'm Aiden," Jock Strap said as he held out a hand for us to shake. I stared at it like it was contaminated and Eva had to jump in to ease the tension. I noticed Ashley shooting me a subtle glare while Aiden greeted Eva. What?! I was totally behaving.

"Hi Aiden, I'm Eva and this is my business partner Spencer, we are the ones who produced and directed Ashley's music video. It's a pleasure to meet you," Eva said in her 'impress the clients' voice.

I forced a smile on my face and resolutely avoided looking either Ashley or Aiden in the eye when I said, "It's a pleasure Aiden." I reluctantly took his offered hand and then had to fight the urge to wipe my hand on my dress to get his yucky boy germs off me. Yes I am aware that I was being ridiculous but I was verging on total freak out so give me a break.

There was an awkward silence for a moment as we smiled politely and then Eva grabbed my hand and said, "Well I was just dragging Spencer here to the bathroom so if you'll excuse us." We smiled again and then almost ran from Ashley and Jock Strap as I will now be calling him.

As soon as we made it into the bathroom Eva locked the door and I slumped against the sink, "Fuck, fuck, fuck! Fuckity, fuck, fuck!" I cussed as I gripped the sink in a death grip.

Eva came up beside me and put her hand on my shoulder, "it's going to be ok Spence, seriously it will."

I smiled almost sarcastically, "Thanks, but I don't quite believe you. This sucks Evie!"

Eva leaned against the sink and sighed, "Yeah I know it does. Oh and for the record Spence, you are much prettier than that douche and Ashley looked like she wanted to bitch slap him for interrupting you guys. She would so rather be here with you!"

I shook my head, "Well that is entirely within her control. If she wants to be with me then she should be. No, no I am not going to think like that tonight. Tonight is about Ashley and her single," I took a deep breath and checked my appearance in the mirror, "Let's get out of here before people think we came in here for a quickie!"

Eva laughed and followed me out of the bathroom smirking, "Oh you wish Carlin!" I laughed and led her into the crowd. I'd had my freak out and now I needed a fucking drink!

We headed to the bar where I downed a few shots, I needed something to keep me sane throughout the nights festivities.

The rest of the night progressed slowly. I could feel Ashley's eyes on me most of the time and would have talked to her if I wasn't being stalked by Ethan and she wasn't been mauled by Jock Strap, who in my opinion was too handsie with her. I was fighting the urge to go kick Jock Strap's ass while at the same time restraining myself from sucker punching Ethan every time he decided it was a good idea to run his hand over my tattoo and pull me close (my tats on the back of neck for those of you who don't remember). Even with Eva running interference, Ethan was constantly by my side. It was freaking irritating.

I managed to slip away from Ethan by heading to the bathroom again, he must have thought I have a bladder problem or something cause I was going so often. Really though I'd just realised that it was the only place he couldn't follow mee. I was just walking to the bathroom when I felt a hand grab my wrist and tug me into a storage room.

I let my eyes adjust to the dim light and found Ashley standing in front of me, a sexy smirk on her lips and her eyes devouring me. I smiled in a rather predatory way and let her pull me into her arms. I tilted my face down and captured her lips in a hungry kiss as my hands wound their way around her waist.

Ashley moaned into our kiss and I took the opportunity to slip my tongue into her mouth so I could taste her. Her hands slid up and gripped at my bare back, pulling me impossibly closer as our mouths danced together. I kissed her hard and passionately, only pulling back when I thought I was going to pass out from a lack of oxygen.

"Wow," I breathed out as I leaned against the wall with Ashley still in my arms, her cheek resting on my chest and her hands caressing my naked shoulders in a way that made me shiver.

Ashley chuckled, "Yeah wow is a pretty accurate assessment Gorgeous. I have been dying to kiss you since I saw you walk in. You look fucking amazing Spence."

I smiled down at her and kiss her forehead, "you too my rock star." Ashley snuggled deeper into my arms and sighed in contentment against the skin of my neck. I tightened my hold on her and buried my face in her wild curls. I swear when I was holding her in my arms like that I could forget everything, the fights, the tears, the pain. When she was in my arms everything was alright.

I grasped her chin gently and tilted her face up to face mine. I leaned in and kissed her adoringly before pulling back and stepping out of her arms. I smiled sadly and whispered, "We have to get back out there before someone comes looking for us."

Ashley nodded before grabbing my waist and crushing her body against mine as she attached our lips in a heated kiss. After a moment I pulled back and flashed her a coy grin before stepping carefully out of the room. I ducked into the bathroom to fix my now smeared lip gloss and straighten my dress, then headed out to find Eva. I spotted Ashley already back in Jock Straps arms and just sighed. There was not much else I could do really. I got a fresh drink and joined Eva, her knowing look telling me she was fully aware of what I had been up to.

Finally it was time to officially launch the single and play the video, which would be simultaneously broadcast on MTV. Ethan left my side to go up on stage, Eva handed me a fresh drink and my eyes locked on the mocha ones I loved so much as she stood on the side of the stage with Jock Strap.

Ethan stepped up to the microphone and beamed out over the audience before he winked at me, yeah that's right he _winked_ at me. Sleaze bag. I looked at Eva shocked and she just burst out laughing, she's a bitch.

Ethan cleared his throat and started speaking into the microphone, "Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen. Thank you so much for being here tonight as we unveil the first single and music video from a wonderful talent. We all know her father's music and now its time to fall in love with the awesome talent that is Ashley Davies!"

I rolled my eyes at his lame introduction, but clapped as Ashley made her way to the microphone. Eva elbowed me and we giggled as we watched Ethan trip over as he walked off the stage. Yeah we are bitches, but it was hella funny! I'd like to think karma was at work there.

Ashley stepped up to the microphone and flashed a dazzling smile out over the crowd, before her eyes locked on mine. "Hey everyone, thanks for coming out tonight to share this special occasion with me, it means so much to have _you_ here." I caught the meaning in her words and knew she was speaking to me. I smiled softly up at her as she continued, "I grew up with music all around me, it's in my heart and soul so to be given the opportunity to share that with the world means so much. If you guys don't mind I would like to play you my debut single, it's called Common Ground."

We all applauded as her acoustic guitar was brought out to her. Ashley beamed and the curtains behind her opened to reveal the band set up and ready to play. Ashley looked out over the crowd and locked eyes with me as she started to strum her guitar. Her eyes stayed on mine as she started to sing.

"If I give up on us

Then I give up on me

In the search for what's true

Can we ever just be

Even love itself

Can't disguise my fear

But that shouldn't hold me back

Wish it didn't keep me from here"

I closed my eyes as the lyrics hit a little too close to home for me. Hearing her sing this song live, hearing her put her heart and emotions into it just brought it all home for me and I had to struggle to keep the tears at bay. Eva wrapped an arm around my shoulder and gave me a squeeze.

Ashley's voice became softer and huskier as the emotion in the lyrics took over. It was transcendent.

"Show me, by holding out your hand

You can leave me or take me as I am

We live our lives on different sides

Always struggling to find our common ground

Can we keep together you and I?"

I opened my eyes to find hers damp with tears. She knew better than anyone how accurate these lyrics were to our current situation. It was funny how a song that was written before we had even met each other could so perfectly reflect where we were in our relationship. It was funny and kind of sad.

"I can feel my blood

Flowing through my veins

When I see your hurt

Making me insane

Each and every moment

Every minute of the day

For all the solitary nights

That I weep and pray

Show me, by holding out your hand

You can leave me or take me as I am

We live our lives on different sides

Always struggling to find our common ground

Can we keep together you and I

Can we keep together you and I"

I drew in a deep, shaky breath and blinked away more tears as Ashley prepared to break out into the last verse of the song. She looked like she was putting everything into this song, and knowing her she probably was.

"Are we gonna live our lives

On these different sides

Always fighting for more

Or can we find our common ground

Show me, by holding out your hand

You can leave me or take me as I am

Always struggling to find our common ground

Can we find our common ground?"

Ashley and the band played the last few bars of music and then the club erupted into enthusiastically thunderous applause. I grinned proudly and clapped hard, elbowing Eva when she let out a loud wolf whistle.

Ashley beamed her gorgeous nose-crinkling smile as she basked in the applause. This was the first time I had ever seen her so damn free (well besides when we were in bed together…then she got pretty 'free' if you know what I mean). She was truly in her element. The stage was where she belonged.

It was then, watching her take in her much deserved cheers and applause that I understood fully what this meant to her. I mean I had always kind of understood, but I thought about it more in terms of how it impacted me.

This meant to her what my work meant to me. Not only that, it was her connection to her father. She truly came alive on stage and I wanted that for her. I guess seeing her perform like that helped me to understand why she was so adamant about keeping us a secret until it wouldn't impact her career negatively. My little epiphany didn't make it hurt any less though, especially when I saw Aiden standing on the side of the stage, looking every inch the proud boyfriend. That was supposed to be me…besides the boy part.

I smiled sadly and looked down at the ground. I felt Eva lean into me as she murmured, "Are you ok Spence?"

I nodded, "yeah, I guess I didn't realise how hard it would be to watch this you know, be on the outside looking in. I am so proud of her though. She deserves all the success in the world." I smiled sadly again and turned back to the stage as the claps died down.

"Wow thank you so much guys! Now I would like to share my very first music video with you. A big thank you has to go out to Eva Reynolds and Spencer Carlin," She paused here to catch my eye again, "from Worlds Away Productions for their wonderful work on this video. Thanks Spencer and Eva. Ok now on with it, I hope you guys like the video!"

Ashley stepped away from the microphone and a screen was lowered in front of the band. I watched as she walked to the side of the stage and stepped into Aiden's arms. I laughed humorlessly and downed my drink.

I tore my eyes from the 'happy couple' and concentrated on the screen as the video started playing. It had turned out better than I had ever expected, but I had been a diva monster the whole time so it was hardly surprising. I slung an arm around Eva and leaned into her. Eva tightened her hold on me and gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek (she had to stand on her tip toes, she really is a short ass!). I smiled down at her and murmured, "We really did good on this video Evie."

Eva chuckled, "Who are you kidding Spence? This was all you Babe. From concept to filming to editing, it was all you. I just helped where I could. It is a testament to how much she means to you that you would put so much work into getting this perfect." I gave her a squeeze and looked around me to see the reactions of the crowd to the video.

Everyone was looking at the screen in rapt wonder, some singing along, a few even tearing up. It was always a big thrill to me to watch people watch my work, it was my drug and it kept me coming back for more.

The video depicted Ashley and her lover in a variety of different settings, walking together but in different worlds. She was singing to him, but he wasn't hearing her. I had gotten him doing different things like talking on a cell phone, reading the paper, talking to passers by, really anything but hear what she was saying. It gave an air of desperation and angst that fit all too well with the lyrics and melody.

As the video ended the crowd burst into thunderous applause and loud cheers. I blushed and grinned at Eva as we accepted congratulations and pats on the back from people we knew.

I was just accepting congratulations from an old client when I felt a tender hand on my shoulder. I spun around to find Ashley standing behind me. I excused myself from the person I was talking to and turned to face her fully. She bit her lip nervously and looked deeply into my eyes.

I smiled gently and said, "You've done so damn good Ash. I am so proud of you and so happy for you. Tonight has been a huge success."

Ashley nodded and stepped a little closer, "It would have been better had you been by my side." I closed my eyes and opened them to flash her a sad look.

"Ash, don't do that. Please don't say that. Things are how they are and there is no point wishing they were different because, like you keep telling me, they can't be. All that matters is that I got to be here and see you shine. Just enjoy your success tonight and know that I am so proud of you," I said in said in a strained, wounded voice that was attempting to sound happy.

Ashley nodded and I smiled at her forlornly. I was about to say more when I felt Ethan walk up behind me and wrap an arm around my waist. I stiffened immediately and tried to pull out of his grasp only to have him hold me tighter. I looked up at Ashley and found her face twisted into an angry sneer.

"Ethan you wanna get your fucking hands off Spencer? She is clearly trying to get away from you and yet you keep pushing yourself on her?! Get a clue Ethan, Spencer is a lesbian and has no interest in you outside of business what so ever!" Ashley snapped furiously, her dark eyes flashing angrily.

I felt Ethan retract his arm and step away from me like I was radioactive. I glanced back at him and he was glaring at Ashley while still looking shocked at her outburst. He was ignoring me completely (I'm assuming out of humiliation). He mumbled something under his breath that sounded kinda like, "ungrateful bitch," and then slunk off.

I looked back at Ashley and smiled gratefully, "um thanks. I should have said something, hell there are many, many time I should have said something to him but we get so much business from the label so I haven't. I uh, I should let you mingle and head off."

"Wait you're leaving? Why Spence? I though we could um…" she leaned in a little closer and whispered, "hook up later?"

I sighed and shook my head, "No, tonight you do your thing and enjoy this. I am so happy for you and so damn proud of you, but I need to get home and sleep, I have a meeting first thing tomorrow about the movie so I have to be prepared for that. I'll talk to you tomorrow though."

"Spence, please stay?" Ashley asked softly.

"I can't Ash, it's too hard, for both of us I think," I murmured. I couldn't stay there and watch my girlfriend pretend to be dating someone else that was a type of torture I just didn't want to keep living through. It was hard enough seeing it in magazines and shit like that, but seeing in right in front of my face was excruciating.

Ashley frowned and looked at me pleadingly. I shook my head and turned to walk away, finding Eva standing behind me waiting patiently to take me home. I flashed her a grateful smile and let her pull me into a hug before she led me out of the club with her arm firmly around my waist and mine around her shoulder. I looked back, just once, and saw Ashley watching us go with the most melancholy expression on her face.

I smiled softly and turned away. I held tightly to Eva, needing her strength in that moment to get me through. Once we were in the car (after Eva had scared the poor valet by pretending she had found a scratch on her precious car…he cried and begged for his mommy) I leaned back against the seat and closed my eyes as a single tear fall.

Eva knew me well enough to know that I didn't want to talk so she just switched on the radio and drove me home. Just when I thought this couldn't hurt any more it does. Oh well I promised Ashley a month and that's what I'd give her. I loved her enough to give her that.

---------


	19. Connect The Dots

**Thanks everyone for the reviews.**

**LoveAsh87, slushhy, somthgIlike2do – Yep Ethan got his and it was a tough night for our Spencer, as the next month will be. Thanks**

**taymm15, ebonyedlove, bethers85, momo0424 – Thanks heaps!**

**shayer – Yeah it was too soon for Ash to come out in chapter 18, hence the storage room kiss. As for Aiden…well you'll have to wait and see! Evie is good way of breaking up the dramatic tension, plus she is so fun to write**

**2bz2breading – I agree with you, Spencer is a better person than me, I would have bolted by now I think. **

**DarceLynn – sorry I didn't leave you enough time to threaten me with sticks…I like the subtle compliments though lol. Yes stab Ethan, not me I like the sound of that. Thanks for the review!**

**mutt009 – It was long past time for someone to tell Ethan off. Yep our girls are in a rather frustrating, painful dance at the moment.**

**ilovemyself26 – Thanks, if its complimentary please repeat yourself lol. Ashley might need a kick in ass at some point lol**

**Hotcutii3 – Yep you're right it's excruciating! Thanks.**

**uluvme – yeah I let Ethan get away with a lot huh, but I always planned for Ashley to tell him off, just had to find a good moment. As for Ashley and Aiden, it will hopefully all make sense by the end of the fic. Ashley's behaviour will be explained eventually I promise that. Thanks.**

**WillowOn3 – Yeah Evie is good for a little comic relief, I so wish she was real! Oh great so now I'm getting killed? Damn! Aw sorry to make you tear up again, even though you kinda threatened to kill me lol**

**darkangeleyes23 – Thank you so much for your kind words.**

**Usual disclaimer, SoN not mine I am not nearly that good lol**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Nineteen – ****Connect the Dots**

It was now two weeks since the release of Ashley's single and video. The single was sitting at number three on the charts and the video was the fifth most played video on MTV, which was a big deal for all involved. She was truly a success.

Ashley had been in the studio daily, working hard on finishing the album. She admitted to me that she was a little blocked and having trouble finishing off some of the songs. The record label was putting the pressure on her to get it done after the success of the single, but she was really struggling.

I decided to take it upon myself to get her mind off it all and I organised a special night for just the two of us at an expensive hotel that promised privacy and discretion. It had cost a small fortune, but I booked us the penthouse suite for a night and sent a town car to pick her up.

Things had been slightly better since our knock down drag out the morning after I saw her and Aiden together on E news. We had been communicating a bit more and had even been out for coffee together a few time and lunch twice. It was a start and I was grateful to her for meeting me half way. It had been nice to see her out in the real world.

I went to the hotel a head of time to set everything up. This night had to be perfect, we needed that.

I covered the hotel room in candles and rose petals in red and white. I know it was cheesy and clichéd, but what can I say? I'm a romantic sap at heart. I had brought my Ipod dock and set it up to play a play list that I had entitled 'sappy romantic crap.' Yeah I'm all suave and shit.

I quickly discarded my clothes and slipped on a sheer black negligee over my body. I checked my make up and hair and finally happy with the result I headed back into the living room of the suite just in time to let in the room service guy.

I took the stuff I'd ordered from him and gave him a tip before closing the door, not sure why he was gapping at me so strangely (kinda like I was the answer to all his prayers) until I turned around and looked in the mirror over the mantle. I had forgotten to put a robe on over my negligee and let's just say that he had gotten a really good view of my body…when I say that thing is sheer I mean almost transparent.

I giggled and shook my head, I guess that kid got a bigger tip than I intended to give him. You'd think I'd be embarrassed, but being friends with Eva had robbed me of most of my ability to feel shame over the years.

I walked over to my bag slipped on my robe and pulled out my perfume so that I could sprits some onto my body. All the little touches would be totally worth it in the end. I was humming along to the music coming out of my Ipod when I heard the door open and Ashley call out uncertainly, "Spence? You in here?"

I stepped out into her line of sight and put my hands on my hips, holding my robe open to expose my body, barely covered by the negligee. "Hey Baby," I purred.

Ashley's eyes roamed over my body as her mouth fell open and her eyes bugged out of her head. I giggled, that was so the reaction I was going for. Ashley opened and closed her mouth a few times before she was able to choke out, "Uh, wow. You look…I honestly don't have the words to say how amazing you look," She stepped closer to me and grinned coyly, "What's all this for honey?"

I beamed and tilted my head as I answered, "Well I thought that with all the hard work you've been doing lately and how busy I've been with the movie it would be nice if we had some time just for us. Is that ok?"

Ashley nodded and murmured, "Yeah I'm ok with that." She reached out and grabbed my waist to pull my body against hers. She crashed her lips onto mine eagerly and held me close against her. I moaned into her mouth and she used that opportunity to slip her tongue in to find mine.

We stood in a tight embrace; our lips locked together for a while, until I pulled back out of her arms and dragged her further into the hotel room so that we could dig into the array of goodies I'd had room service bring up. Ashley groaned in protest as I dragged her over to the sofa. I chucked and planted a chaste kiss on her lips, "It's ok Baby we'll make out like horny teenagers later, but right now we are going to sit down and enjoy some of the delicacies this hotel has to offer."

We sat down on the sofa and I pulled the room service trolley closer so that we could reach the food. I stood up and slipped the robe off my shoulders and let it fall to the floor. I smirked as I watched Ashley drag her eyes over my curves hungrily. Her gaze made me feel hot and tingly all over.

I bit my lower lip and smiled adoringly at her, drinking in her wild curls and warm, loving mocha eyes. I picked up the bottle of champagne and carefully popped the cork. I felt her eyes on me as I poured us each a glass. I passed over her glass and murmured softly, "here you go my beautiful one."

Ashley grinned up at me and took the glass from me, brushing my fingers with her own. "Thank you gorgeous, this is so wonderful. Thank you for doing this," Ashley said huskily. I smiled down at her and took a sip of my champagne.

"You're welcome Ash, I just wanted to do something nice for us. So just relax and let me take care of you tonight, ok?" I asked with a coy smile. We had been having such a rough time together and I just wanted a night to for us both to remember why we should be together, why our relationship was worth fighting for.

Ashley flashed me her oh so sexy nose-crinkling grin and nodded, "yeah I think that would be ok. What did you have in mind?"

I smirked and lifted the tops off the trays on the room service trolley to reveal the array of food I had organised. There was fresh fruit with whipped cream and chocolate dipping sauce, a variety of seafood, a big pile of different chocolates and Ashley's favourite fresh brownies.

Ashley's eyes widened and she grinned like a little kid on Christmas, it was so beyond cute I just wanted to pounce on her. "Wow Spence, this is one hell of a spread. It's wonderful Baby," Ashley said in a loving voice.

I beamed and took a seat beside her, close enough that I could feel the heat of her body against my scantily covered one. We ate slowly, savouring the flavours and flirtatiously feeding each other. Everything was sensual and quite frankly turning me on.

Once the food was gone and we were both onto our third glasses of really expensive champagne I led Ashley by the hand into the astronomically huge bathroom where a Jacuzzi tub sat waiting for us. I turned on the faucet to fill the bath and then went around the room lighting candles. I smiled to myself as Connect the Dots by the Spill Canvas began playing through the speakers of my Ipod dock.

I smiled and turned around to face Ashley who was wearing an expression of utter bliss on her face. I bit my lip and slid the straps of my negligee off my shoulders and let it drop down to the floor, revealing my naked body to Ashley, who I think was almost hyperventilating. That was one hell of a boost to my ego.

I stepped closer to her and began singing along to the music,

"If your feet hurt from walking too much,  
then I will tend to them, with a velvet touch.  
If your lungs just don't want to work today,  
then I'll perform a mouth to mouth until you're okay."

I began swaying my body to the music, smirking at the way her eyes were ravishing my body and the erratic rise and fall of her chest. I stepped closer to her and began unbuttoning her shirt before circling her lips with my index finger.

"Don't you just love the feeling of my fingertips,  
circling your lips.  
Don't you just love the desire taking hold of you,  
I can tell you do.  
I know all your favourite spots,  
and tonight we will connect the dots."

I slid her shirt off her shoulders and dragged my hands down over her sides to her hips before moving them to her jeans and slowly popping open the button and sliding down the zip. I turned her around and ran my hands over her shoulders and down her arms, slowly.

"If your muscles are wound up and tight,  
then I will loosen up the knots until it feels right.  
If your ears just ache from listening,  
then I'll supply the remedy in the melodies I sing.

Don't you just love the feeling of my fingertips,  
circling your lips.  
Don't you just love the desire taking hold of you,  
well I can tell you do.  
I know all your favourite spots,  
and tonight we will connect the dots."

I pressed my naked body up against her back and felt her breath hitch in her throat, which made me smirk widely. I ran my hands down from her shoulders, over her heaving breasts and down to her waist. I pushed my body into hers as I began moving my hips to the music seductively, grinding into her and listening to her moan in pleasure.

"Don't you just love the feeling of my fingertips,  
circling your lips.  
Don't you just love the desire taking hold of you,  
well I can tell you do.  
I know all your favourite spots,  
and tonight we will connect the dots."

As I finished singing rather tunelessly along to the Ipod, Ashley spun around in my arms and captured my lips in a rough, heady kiss that literally took my breath away. I felt her run her hands down over my bare back until they were clutching at my ass and pulling me hard against her.

I slid my hands down to her hips and began lowering her jeans, breaking the kiss so that I could get them off her. As soon as she was standing in just her bra and panties I stood up and kissed her hard. Her hands found their place in my long blonde hair as she deepened the kiss, I moaned into her mouth as her tongue met mine and felt her smirk against my lips.

Soon the Jacuzzi was full so I pulled back from her and stepped into the warm water. I settled back in the warmth and raised my eyebrow at her. Ashley quickly discarded her bra and panties before joining me in the tub, sitting between my legs with her back pressed against my front.

"My God this is so beyond perfect Spence, thank you so much," Ashley murmured, turning her face so that she could bury it into the crook of my neck. I shivered as I felt her tongue dart out and taste the skin of my neck. I ran my hands down over her body, loving the way she arched into me. I loved the reaction I could get from her with the simplest touch.

"You're very welcome Baby, I felt like we needed this you know?" I whispered back, kissing her forehead gently.

"Hmmm yeah I know. It just feels like things have been so crazy lately, I'm just so happy to be here with you," Ashley raised her lips to mine and kissed me tenderly.

We fooled around in the Jacuzzi for a while longer before climbing out and heading to the bedroom. I lay her down on the huge bed and lowered my body down over hers, both of us groaning at the sensation. I don't think I would ever get over how amazingly stunning she looked beneath me…or on top of me…any where really. Let's face it my girl is incredibly hot.

I stroked the hair off her face and tucked it behind her ear before leaning in to kiss her. I kissed her lips, her checks, her forehead, her eye lids, her chin and then began trailing kisses down her throat, over her collar bone and to her chest. I took her left nipple into my mouth, teasing it into a hardened peak with my tongue. Her body writhed beneath me as she moaned and gasped for air.

I moved across to her other breast and gave it the same attention as the first. Her breathing was coming hard and fast now as she gasped out my name. Let me just say that there is no greater ego boost then having a hot woman beneath you gasping out your name. I kissed down her breast to her abs. I traced the perfectly toned abs with my lips and tongue. She tasted salty sweet as sweat bathed her body.

I felt her finger nails digging into my back and she urged me lower with her breathless pleading. I kissed my way down over her abs and down to the inside of her thighs, tasting the smooth skin as I went. I reached up and grasped her hand in mine as I dipped my head down to taste her.

Ashley moaned and bucked her hips, making me smirk against her. I reached up with my free hand to steady her thrusting hips. I took her to the edge and then sent her over by thrusting into her with my fingers. I helped her ride out her climax before moving back up her body and kissing her gently on the lips as she lay on the bed trying to get her breathing back under control.

"Wow Spence, how is it that every time just keeps getting better and better?" Ashley asked with a tired chuckle.

"Hmm well Baby it's coz I got mad skills!" I said and then winced at how lame I sounded.

Ashley giggled and raised her eyebrow sexily, "Mad skills? Really Baby?"

I pouted down at her and mumbled, "Don't blame me, I've been spending way too much time with Eva." Ashley giggled again and rolled us over so that she was on top of me, where she belongs if you ask me…Ashley is one hot top.

"Hmm well how bout I show you my 'mad skills' gorgeous?" Ashley asked in a teasingly voice.

"Uh I think I'd be alright with that," I murmured in what I hoped was a seductive manner, but I really think came across as more horny teenager than anything.

Ashley grinned and leaned in to kiss me before trailing a line of kisses down my jaw and to my chest. She attacked my collar bone and the tops of my breasts before her lips captured my right nipple and she proceeded to tease it into a hard nub. I tangled my hands in her wild, damp curls, urging her to keep doing what she was doing.

Ashley teased my breasts with her mouth for a torturously long time until I was practically begging her to take me over the edge. Ashley began kissing her way down my body only to have me cup her face in my hands and pull her up so that I could kiss her long and deep. As we broke apart we locked eyes and she looked at me questioningly. I kissed her softly and whispered, "I just need you up here with me."

Ashley grinned and nodded before kissing me and slowly running her hand down over my breast, along my stomach, making the muscles tremble under her ministrations, to the inside of my thigh. I threw my head back and felt my eyes roll back as she attached her lips to my throat.

She began teasing me with the very tips of her fingers and I arched so far off the bed I'm surprised my back didn't snap in two. I was lost in the feeling of her, I couldn't even begin to form coherent thoughts or words. All I knew was that I needed her to touch me, I needed to feel her with me.

I felt her kiss my jaw before she whispered breathlessly, "Baby look at me, I need you to look at me."

I opened my eyes and found hers, almost black with desire and lust but at the same time full of tenderness and something that was possibly love. We hadn't said those three little words to each other yet, not really. She had told me once that she was falling in love with me and I had vague memories of saying something involving the 'L' word to her once when I was extremely drunk…or maybe in a dream, but we had never actually said the words.

I'm not sure why. I mean I knew I loved her, I was desperately in love with my brunette rocker princess. I think maybe it was something I couldn't really say to her until we were having a relationship that didn't have to exist behind closed doors. Once it was out in the open then it would feel more real and then maybe I could say what I so desperately wanted to say to her.

I was graciously torn from my thoughts by Ashley thrusting into me, making me arch into her and moan loudly. I really hoped the walls and floors of this hotel were sound proof. I felt her smirk against my neck as she set a rhythm with her fingers that started a fire in my stomach that was rapidly spreading.

It wasn't long before I tumbled over the edge, screaming her name into the night. Ashley smirked and continued to move in me until I came down from my high. She soothed me with tender kisses and loving touches. She moved to lie down beside me and wrapped her arms around me firmly before pulling my naked body against hers.

I snuggled into her embrace and smiled to myself. I knew that a night like this didn't really solve the problems Ashley and I were having in our relationship, but it did give me certainty that she was worth fighting for, that what we had was worth the heartache.

I kissed her throat tenderly and then nuzzled it softly before closing my eyes and surrendering to the sleep that was waiting to take me. I fell asleep safe in the arms of the woman I was in love with and ignored the voice in my head that told me reality would all too soon be biting me in the ass.

**So I'll admit it, this chapter was pretty much just fluff. I wanted to take a step away from the drama. **

**Song used in this chapter:**

**Connect the Dots by the Spill Canvas (totally awesome song)**


	20. Happy Anniversary Darling

**Thanks, as always for the reviews. **

LoveAsh87, ebonyedlove – Thanks

bethers85, slushhy, mutt009 – I thought a little fluff was needed

shayer – I get you, Spencer is being too good to Ashley, she is trying everything she knows how to hold onto their relationship. Oh I agree, if Spencer was singing and dancing seductively while naked…I wouldn't care how the hell she was singing lol

2bz2breading – thanks, it was filler, just some happy/sexy fluff before moving on with the story. As for the outings between our girls, I talk about them in a bit more detail in the coming chapters

momo0424, .Heart – Thank you, I felt we all needed a little Spashley happiness, as to whether it lasts or not, read on! I love that song too, I love The Spill Canvas

uluvme – I'm glad I somewhat made up for all Spencer's tears. Spencer is a sweetheart…I wish she was real and mine lol

**Usual Disclaimer, SoN is sadly not mine**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Twenty – Happy Anniversary Darling**

I was sitting in my office at home, preparing for the shoot for my movie that was due to start pretty soon. Everything for that film had just fallen into place, it was surreal kind of like it was meant to happen. It was amazing to me. I had big hopes for this film, plus it was kind of keeping me sane in light of my little secret relationship with a woman who had become the hottest new rock star.

Ashley's first single and video had been launched a month ago and my girl was doing better that anyone thought she would. Common Ground had hit number 1 and had been there for a fortnight now, while the video was the most requested and played on MTV. There was already awards buzz and she was constantly busy, either in the studio working on the album, which she was still stuck on much to the label's displeasure, or doing interviews. I was proud of her, but I missed her.

I think I had seen her a total of five times since our night in the hotel, well seen her in the flesh that is. I had been subjected to seeing her with her man purse, Jock Strap, in a tonne of magazines and newspapers and on T.V. It kind of sucked. Ok so it majorly sucked. Seeing the girl you love all cosied up to some meathead jock with a tiny head, and probably a shrivelled penis all shrunken by steroid use, was enough to break even the toughest of people.

The night we spent together at the hotel had made me feel so hopeful and loved, it seemed like we were really making progress, it kinda didn't last long. We had been out in public one time since the hotel, to get coffee at the Starbucks near my office. While we were there she was photographed by the paparazzi while I was in the bathroom (yes that means the paps never saw me with her and we were not photographed together) and that was enough for her to bail, leaving money and a note that she would call me later.

I had let her make it up to me (yes I mean sexually) and we were ok, but it was back to only meeting at her place or mine. I figured that was only until she felt comfortable to go out in public again, but as the days dragged on I was starting to doubt that.

I hit save on my laptop and snapped it shut. My mind was not on the movie today, it was on my girl. I think she had forgotten it in the madness surrounding her, but today was exactly two months since she asked me to be her girlfriend. I had ignore our one month anniversary as it fell on the day before her single launch so I knew her head was elsewhere. But this one I wasn't so keen on ignoring. I kind of wanted to spend some time with her, but I hadn't been able to get her on the phone for two days. I'd left a lot of voicemail messages though, some of them rather unpleasant and/or passive aggressive.

I sighed loudly and jumped when I heard a voice behind me say, "Is life really that hard Sweetheart?"

I turned my head and found Ashley lounging in the door way to my office. I spun my chair round and looked at her, trying to figure out if I was happy to see her or pissed off that she had neglected to call me back for two days. Not exactly the best way to treat your girlfriend.

Ashley's smile faltered and she stepped further into the room, kneeling down in front of me and taking my hands in both of hers, "What's going on Spence?"

I smiled thinly and muttered, "Nothing," before dropped her hands as I got to my feet and wandered out of the office and out to my kitchen. I grabbed a bottle of white wine out of the fridge and poured myself a glass as I listened to the sound of her feet on my hard wood floors. Ashley came into the kitchen and stood beside me at the bench. "Don't tell me it's nothing. What's going on gorgeous? Are you mad at me?" She asked in a small, resigned voice. I guess she was expecting a fight.

I sighed and shook my head, "do you know what today is?" I asked in an emotionless voice.

Ashley looked confused and answered, "Um a month since the single was released?"

I scoffed and shook my head again, "yeah of course you would remember that."

"Hey, what is that supposed to mean Spencer? What is going on?" Ashley asked, starting to get a bit annoyed at me.

"It just means that when it comes to your career you remember every little insignificant detail, but when it comes to everything else you are pretty fucking oblivious!" I snapped, taking a big drink from my glass. I had been drinking quite a lot of late...probably too much. I could almost see my liver on its hands and knees (metaphoric hands and knees, I totally know it doesn't _really_ have hands and knees) begging me to give it a break.

"Are you kidding? As if you aren't exactly the same Spencer! Both of us love our work and it is important to us, I don't get why you're being like this," She snapped back, scowling at me angrily.

I laughed humourlessly and nodded, "Hmm is that so? Maybe it is, but the difference between you and I Ash is that I have found a way to balance my personal life with my work. I can have both and while I remember every career milestone and date I am also great at remembering dates that are important in my _personal life_."

Ashley tilted her head in confusion and asked hesitantly, "Is it your birthday today? Did I forget your birthday?"

I laughed harshly and shook my head, "No, actually Sweetheart my birthday is in like five months so you're still good with that one." I took another drink from my glass and spat out, "What I'm referring to is that today is exactly two months since we got together officially, or as official as anything secret can be."

Ashley threw up her hands and yelled, "It always comes back to that doesn't it? Why can't you just accept that we have to hide our relationship for now? Why can't you just be supportive of me and my career?"

I scoffed and sneered, "Are you fucking kidding me Ash? I have been nothing but supportive. I have done everything you have asked of me and I can't help the fact that I want to show you off to the world, that I want to announce to everyone that I'm yours. Oh and by the way thanks so very much for ignoring the fact that I just told you that you forgot our two month anniversary. I know it might not mean much to you but it means a hell of a lot to me!" I bit my lip and tried in vain to hold back my tears.

I drained the wine in my glass and refilled it as my tears ran down my cheeks. Ashley stood frozen next to my bench, her eyes following my movements, as I raised the glass back to my lips, with the saddest look in them. "It means a lot to me too Spence," she whispered softly.

I shook my head and walked over to my sliding door to step out onto the deck. I leaned against the railing and stared out over the violently crashing waves. I felt her beside me and I closed my eyes against the fresh tears that were waiting to fall. It should not be this hard. No relationship should make me cry so many tears.

"It really does mean a lot to me Spencer. I'm so sorry I forgot, I have just been really crazy with the album and stuff," She said sadly.

I rolled my eyes and turned to face her, "Yeah whatever." I turned back to the ocean and took a deep breath to steady myself.

"No not whatever Spence, I mean it. Reaching this milestone with you is so fucking important to me. I care about you so much and I am so sorry I keep hurting you, it's the last thing I want to do," she said, turning me around so that I was facing her. I frowned and refused to say a word. Ashley reached over and cupped my cheek in her hand. My head was screaming at me to pull away from her and run, while my heart begged me to give her yet another chance.

"You are aware that you asked me to wait a month after the single was released and that is tomorrow? As you so rightly remembered, it is one month since the single came out. You said that after a month we would go public with our relationship," I said in a dead voice, not allowing any emotion to show.

Ashley swallowed audibly and looked sadly, almost guiltily at me while not saying a word. I laughed ironically and nodded, "Right I guess that's not happening any time soon now is it?"

"Spencer it's not as simple as that. There is still the album to come out, I thought it would be done by now, and there is my contract to think about. Look can we please not talk about this tonight. It's our two month anniversary and I want to spend it with you without fighting, please Baby can we just have a good night? We'll do whatever you want." Ashley begged with the saddest of smiles.

I nodded once and took a moment to think. I know that the problems we had weren't going away, particularly if we ignored them like she wanted me to, but at the same time it was a special day and why spend it fighting. I was so damn confused, and hurt, and angry. Name an emotion and it was probably one of the million or so racing around in my head.

I knew that if I was smart I would tell her to fuck off, I would insist that we talk out our problems and solve them, I'd announce that I would not sweep all the shit between us under the rug again. But you know what, when it comes to Ashley Davies, I am so far from smart. When I'm with her smart and me are not even in the same country.

I sighed and murmured, "Ok, fine let's not let this ruin tonight, but I won't celebrate our two month anniversary here, or at your place."

Ashley looked a bit apprehensive and asked carefully, "What do you want to do then?"

I looked her straight in the eye and said bluntly, "I want to get the fuck out of here Ashley. I want to go to a restaurant or a club or something, I just want to get the fuck out of here."

I saw Ashley take a deep breath and close her eyes for a moment before answering me, "is that really what you want?" I nodded and she sighed, "Ok then that's what we'll do. You know we can't be um obvious after that pap almost caught us together at Starbucks, but we can go out. I know this little out of the way club we could go to if you like."

It wasn't quite what I wanted but I knew this was all she could give me right now and I as grateful to her for meeting me halfway. I smiled softly, "thank you Ash that would be wonderful." She smiled in relief and put her hands on my waist. I let her pull me against her and flashed her a tender smile. I leaned into her and kissed her softly on the lips.

She wrapped her arms tightly around me and held me close against her. I closed my eyes and breathed her in, trying to forget even just for a moment that everything was kind of falling apart when it came to my love life.

I pushed those negative thoughts from my head and just tried to focus on the woman in my arms...I said _tried_. I stepped back and gave her a small smile, "I'm just going to go get changed and then we can go, um make yourself at home I won't be long."

I turned on my heel and headed inside. I disappeared into my bedroom and sagged against the door. I should be happy, Ashley was going to let us go out together in public, but I was holding onto my emotions by a fucking thread. I felt like I was wound up tight enough to explode. I forced myself to my feet and wandered into my closet.

I threw on some clothes and touched up my make-up which was all blotchy from my earlier tears. I ran a brush through my hair and scooped up my bag. I gave myself a quick once over in the mirror before stepping out of my room and heading down to my living room to meet her.

As I stepped into the room Ashley rose to her feet and grinned at me. Her eyes swept over my body in a way that made me blush hotly. I smiled shyly at her as she walked over to me. "You look beautiful Baby," She murmured as she stopped about a foot from me.

I was wearing a pair of black shorts and black high heels that I knew made my legs look long and toned. I'd paired it with a sheer black, sleeveless shirt over a black tank top. I smiled at her and held out my hand, "you ready to go?"

Ashley nodded and took my hand in hers as she led me out to her Porsche. The sad thing was that in the whole time I'd known her, this was the first time I had been in her car. How pathetic is that? I'd been dating the girl for two months and this was the first time I'd been in her fucking car. Ashley held the door open for me and helped me into my seat. I settled into the leather and looked out the window as Ashley climbed into the driver's seat.

"So let's do this," she said softly as she started the car. I looked over at her and grinned. I nodded and she reversed out of my driveway. I covered her hand with mine as we spent the drive in silence, the only sound the soft music coming out of the speakers.

It only took about fifteen minutes before we were pulling into a parking lot behind this ambiguous looking place. Ashley parked and then came around to my side to help me from the car. As soon as I was out she dropped my hand and we walked to the doors a respectable distance from each other. As we reached the door I felt her hand rest on the small of my back as she grinned at the bouncer when he unclipped the rope to let us in.

I smiled back at her adoringly as we wandered into the club. The music was pumping, I could feel the bass pounding in my chest and it was kind of exhilarating. I couldn't believe I was actually out in public with my girlfriend, I had been worried that after the paparazzi catching her at Starbuck (even though he didn't even know I was there) she would hide us indefinitely.

Ashley guided me to the bar, keeping her hand on my back and ordered both of us a drink. I took mine from her with a smile of thanks and turned around to survey the club. It was pretty packed and quite dark so I figured the chances of Ashley being recognised we pretty damn slim. We headed over to a booth that had just opened up and sat down across from each other.

I bit my lip before looking coyly up at her, "Thanks so much for this Ash, I kinda like seeing you somewhere that isn't my place, yours or work related."

She smiled sweetly and reached across the table to give my hand a quick squeeze, "Me too beautiful." She pulled her hand back and took a sip of her drink. We sat making small talk for a while until a song came on that I just had to dance to, Lady Gaga's Poker Face, I know it wasn't the most recent track but what can I say? Lady Gaga makes me wanna shake my ass.

"Ash, wanna dance with me?" I asked with a grin.

Ashley bit her lip and looked down before muttering, "I can't Spence." I rolled my eyes and got to my feet. Just because she was being paranoid didn't mean I had to miss out on some fun.

"Ok your loss," I turned and walked away from her and out to the dance floor. I think by this point in time the all alcohol I'd consumed prior to leaving my house hit me so I had no reservations about dancing solo. I began moving to the music and was soon joined by a very obviously gay guy, who I soon learnt was named Harrison. He had recognised me from an interview I'd done with L.A. magazine about my work for the LGBT community.

Harrison and I laughed and chatted as we danced. Turned out he was a fashion designer and we had some friends in common. He was an amazing dancer and to be honest I hadn't had so much fun in a long time. The song ended and Miley Cyrus' Party In The USA started playing. I was about to flee the dance floor, not ready to show this guy my embarrassing love for our young Miley, when Harrison squealed like a fifteen year old girl and grabbed me by the waist, lifting me clear off the floor and spinning me around before putting me back down. We laughed as we each came up with the lamest dance moves we could.

"Spencer Darlin, do you think I could get your number? I would love to take you out for coffee sometime, I don't know about you Sweet Pea but I feel like I just met someone I am absolutely destined to be life-long friends with!" Harrison gushed as he danced closer to me.

I beamed up at him and nodded, "For sure Harrison, give me your phone and I'll give you my number, I won't even fake number you!" Harrison threw back his head and laughed before pulling out his Iphone and handing it over. I entered my number and passed it back to him.

We danced a few more songs together and then we stopped so he could introduce me to his friends. They were the happiest group of people I had ever met and I was having a blast with them when I felt a hand roughly grab my shoulder from behind. I spun around to find Ashley behind me, glaring daggers into my eyes.

I smiled uncertainly at her and said, "Everything ok Ashley?"

Her expression hardened, "Not so much Spencer. You force me to take you out for our two month anniversary and then ditch me to hang out with guys, oh and while we're on that since when do you give your number to strange men? Not very lesbian of you now is it?!"

I laughed and shook my head, "Well seeing as you were watching, how the hell did you not pick up on the fact that Harrison, the guy I was dancing with, is extremely gay? Oh and I'm sorry I had to _force_ you to come out with me, but I am not going to spend all night sitting in a booth while we're here. I want to dance Ash, I want to dance with you. If you don't want to then that's ok, but I just wanted to dance to a few songs, which I don't think was too much to ask." I felt bad for ditching her, I did, but I couldn't always do everything on her terms. I had already compromised so much to be with her.

Ashley was about to reply when Harrison came up behind me and wrapped an arm around my shoulder, "hey there Sweet Pea, now who is your friend?"

I smiled up at him, "Harrison this is my friend Ashley, Ashley this is Harrison." Ashley flashed him a tight smile as she shook his hand.

"Nice to meet you Ashley, Sorry I monopolised your friend here, but I am just the hugest fan of Spencer's and I couldn't pass up and opportunity to meet her and now we're totally BFFs aren't we Darlin?" Harrison gushed excitedly.

I grinned up at him and nodded, chuckling. "Sure are Harry, now I gotta go spend some time with Ashley, but you call me sometime ok?"

"I will for sure Sweet Pea," He kissed me on the cheek before turning back to Ashley, "It was nice to meet you. Bye ladies!" Harrison bounded off to his friends and I headed to the bar with Ashley on my heels.

I reached the bar and ordered us both a drink. I handed over the money and then passed her a drink with a smile. I led her back over to our booth, which had miraculously stayed vacant. We sat, once again, on opposite sides of the booth and each played with the straws in our drinks. I sighed and took a long drink not loving the awkward silence between us.

"So you met a fan huh?" She asked, breaking the silence.

I giggled, "Yeah Harry recognised me from an article he saw in L.A. Magazine. We actually know a lot of the same people in the community, by that I mean the Gay and Lesbian community."

We sunk back into an awkward silence. I hadn't meant my clarification of 'the community' to be construed as a dig at her, but even to my ears that's how it came out. I was struggling to think of something to say, most likely in the form of an apology, when Ashley locked her eyes on mine.

"So do you maybe want to dance?" Ashley asked shyly.

I smiled softly, "Only if you want to Baby." Ashley downed her drink and got to her feet. She held out her hand to me. I beamed, downed my own drink and took her hand. I climbed to my feet and let her lead me out onto the floor as Your Love Is My Drug by Ke$ha started playing. I grinned coyly at her and began moving my hips to the music. I dropped her hand and began dancing next to her in a very 'friend-like' manner, so to not draw suspicion and yes even saying that makes me roll my eyes, but I knew she was scared to be publicly out so I went with it. I was just happy to be with her.

I sang loudly along to the lyrics, also rather off-key if you want the God's honest truth.

"Maybe I need some rehab  
Or maybe just need some sleep  
I got a sick obsession  
I'm seein it in my dreams  
I'm lookin down every alley  
I'm makin those desperate calls  
I'm stayin up all night hopin, hitin my head against the wall"

I swayed my hips and raised my hands above my head as I moved to the music. I beamed over at Ashley who was still dancing a 'friendly' distance from me. I rolled my eyes again and sang along. I was determined to not let anything kill my buzz.

"What you got boy, is hard to find  
I think about it all the time  
I'm all strung out my heart is fried  
I just can't get you off my mind!

Because your love your love your love is my drug  
Your love your love your love  
Your love your love your love is my drug  
Your love your love your love"

I had kept my eyes on hers as I sang the chorus, hoping she got my drunken message. Her love was totally my fucking drug. I was addicted to her in the worst possible way.

"Won't listen to any advice  
Momma's tellin me I should think twice  
But look into my own devices, I'm addicted it's a crisis  
My friends think I've gone crazy  
My judgments gettin kinda hazy  
My steeze is gonna be affected if I keep it up like a love sick crack head

What you got boy, is hard to find  
I think about it all the time  
I'm all strung out my heart is fried  
I just can't get you off my mind!"

Just before the next chorus started up I watched as Ashley moved behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist. She pulled my body against hers and began moving in time with me. Her lips were against my ear as she sang the lyrics to me, much more in tune than the way I was singing them.

"Because your love your love your love is my drug  
Your love your love your love  
Your love your love your love is my drug  
Your love your love your love

I don't care what people say  
The rush is worth the price I pay  
I get so high when your with me  
But crash and crave you when you leave"

Ashley swept my hair over my shoulder so it wasn't covering my neck anymore and I felt her kiss the back of my neck, right over my tattoo. I closed my eyes and leaned back into her, forgetting about anything but being in her arms as she sang softly in my ear.

"Hey, so I got a question  
Do you wanna have a slumber party in my basement?  
Do I make your heart beat like an 808 drum  
Is my love your drug? Your drug?  
Huh, your drug?  
Huh, your drug?  
Is my love your drug?

Because your love your love your love is my drug  
Your love your love your love  
Your love your love your love is my drug  
Your love your love your love

Because your love your love your love is my drug  
Your love your love your love  
Your love your love your love is my drug  
Your love your love your love"

Ashley sung the last chorus into my ear and then dropped a kiss just below it. I groaned and held her arms over my stomach. I felt her smirk against my skin as we held each other. I looked up and caught Harrison's eye, he beamed and gave me a thumbs up. I giggled softly and blew him a kiss.

Ashley turned me around in her arms and placed her hands on my hips and I looped mine around her neck. I leaned into her and let out a sigh of contentment. I moved my lips to her ear and whispered, "You sure you want to be holding me like this Baby? I know I gave you shit but I wouldn't want you to do this if you didn't want to."

I felt her breath on my neck as she moved her lips to my ear to answer me, "Baby, I was being silly before, so fucking stupid. All I want right now is to hold you in my arms while we dance together on our two month anniversary. No one will recognise me here." I bit my lip and beamed as she swayed us to the music.

We spent the rest of the night dancing in each other's arms, only stopping to get more drinks and chat with Harrison and his friends, who Ashley quickly fell in love with like I had. We wandered out of the club at about 4am and headed back to my place. Ashley parked the Porsche in my driveway and walked around to open my door. She held my hand in hers as we walked to my house and wrapped her arms around my waist, kissing my neck as I fumbled with the keys.

I got the door open finally and dragged her inside with me. I very quickly got her to my bedroom and proceeded to ravish her. We made love until the sun rose and then drifted off to sleep in each other's arms. It had been a great night (after all the fighting of course), and I fell asleep still smiling.

**Song used in this chapter:**

**Your Love Is My Drug by Ke$ha**


	21. Scandalous

**Thank you all for reviewing, here's another update for you.**

**Btw I think some of you have been reading my mind…trust me my mind is a scary place, I'd stay outta there if I were you **

shayer – Temporary happiness…maybe. I like the Harrison character too, he will be recurring in the coming chapters. Spencer is being very understanding, some would say too understanding, we'll see what happens

LoveAsh87, somthgIlike2do – Yep fight then sex, it's the way these two seem to be playing it. Is it healthy? Probably not

ilovemyself26 – Ah I always say go with your intuition…oh and stop reading my mind lol

2bz2breading – I like songs in fics, if you don't chapter 26 and 27 will not be fun for you. I hope that the chapters to follow may help everyone to understand Ashley better. You're right one single does not make a success, but it's a start. As always I love reading your opinion, thank you

mutt009 – yep they had a happy night and made a lovely new friend. As for Ashley backing out of her promise, read on to see what goes down

slushhy – I don't know if I see Spencer as a doormat. I kind of see her as a little naively hopeful. Ashley's behaviour, I'm hoping, will make sense in a few chapters. Please rant away, I always like to hear what you think

drummergirl244 – Yep a whole lotta drama lol, I don't plan on Spencer becoming an alcoholic. It's just a coping mechanism for her at the moment

.Heart – Thank you so much, glad you like the story!

ebonyedlove – Hmm, we will see. Glad you liked the chapter and I kinda love Spencer too!

uluvme – I assure you Ashley is serious about their relationship, she is just overwhelmed and scared. I hope that the coming chapters will help people understand her better. Harry will be sticking around, I've written up to chapter 30 and he features a fair bit!

**Usual disclaimer, SoN not mine, Eva and Harrison are though!**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Twenty-One - Scandalous**

I was awakened the morning after our two month anniversary by the sound of Ashley's cell phone ringing. I glanced at the sleeping brunette beside me, who frowned in her sleep and rolled closer to my naked body. I smiled and kissed her gently on the lips before looking at the clock and groaning, it was 9am, we hadn't gotten to sleep until close to six! Three hours was not nearly enough sleep to make me human.

I sighed in relief as Ashley's phone stopped ringing and snuggled closer to her so I could go back to sleep. I had just started to drift off when the fucking thing started ringing again. I sat up and muttered, "You've got to be fucking kidding me!" I leaned over and whispered softly, "Ash, Baby you need to wake up, your phone keeps ringing and I am about thirty seconds away from kicking some ass." Ashley groaned and opened one eye a fraction to look up at me. I smiled softly down at her as I said matter of factly, "Morning Honey, now you have to get up and call back who ever has been trying to reach you before they call back and I answer it then kill them."

Ashley sighed and sat up with a tired expression on her face. She flashed me an adorable grin as reached over to the bedside table and picked up her phone, frowning hard when she checked the missed calls, "Shit Ethan has tried to call me like five times and so has my publicist." I guess we slept through most of the calls. I was totally in a sex coma I think.

I frown at her with concern, "I guess you'd better call them back and find out what's going on." I slid out of bed and slipped on my black silk robe as she dialled Ethan's number. I saw her bit her lip nervously as she waited for him to pick up. It did not take long for him to answer and I could hear him yelling at her down the line from across the room but couldn't quite figure out what he was saying.

Ashley paled alarmingly and climbed out of bed. She began pacing the room, not saying anything just listening to Ethan bellow at her through the phone. She picked up my spare robe and slipped it on over her naked body. She was frowning deeply now, refusing to look at me as she paced across my room.

I saw her pause and close her eyes as she murmured, "I'm sorry Ethan, I uh I fucked up." She stopped as his voice rose through the phone again. I tried to get her to meet my eyes but she just turned her back on me. I heard her mumble a few words to Ethan and then she hung up. She threw her phone onto the bed and clenched her hands into tight fists, keeping her back to me. I knew instantly that something really bad had happened and started to get really worried.

I stepped closer to her and put my hand on her shoulder only to have her violently shrug it off and storm out of my bedroom, the robe she was wearing swirling around her legs. I stood in shock for a second before I bolted after her. I found her in my living room pacing back and forth, wringing her hands in front of her in agitation.

I stood in the door way and watched her for a moment before I couldn't stand it any longer, "Ashley, what's going on, you're scaring me," I cried, troubled to see her so distressed.

Ashley turned to face me and I will forever remember the look on her face, it was a heartbreaking mixture of fury, dread and sorrow. She held my gaze and then started to laugh, cruelly and harshly. I stepped into the living room and tried to take her hand in mine. Ashley ripped her hand from my grasp and glared at me.

"Ashley would you please say something? What the hell did Ethan say to you?" I asked desperately as she just stood there glaring furiously at me.

"You want to know what he said? Well Spencer, apparently you and I are all over the fucking media this morning!" She spat out through gritted teeth.

I stepped back and held my hand over my mouth which had fallen open at her revelation. I opened and closed my mouth a few times before I was able to form words, "how, how did...how did this happen?"

Ashley sneered at me, I had never seen her face so twisted by anger and it hurt seeing it directed at me, "how did it happen? Well it happened because _you_ forced me to go out last night and the fucking paparazzi caught wind of it and now the fucking media is full of pictures and stories of us together!"

I swallowed around a rather massive lump in my throat and stared her in horror, was she seriously blaming all this on me? "You think this is my fault?" I asked in a soft, broken voice.

Ashley scoffed and turned around so that her back was to me, "well isn't it? Face it Spencer if you hadn't pressured me into taking you out last night then I wouldn't have to have Ethan and my publicist on major damage control this morning. You're selfish impatience could have completely fucked up everything I have built!"

I flinched as though she had slapped me, you know what, she couldn't have hurt me more if she had actually physically struck me. I felt tears burn my eyes and leant heavily against the wall. "How can you say this to me?" I stammered out as my tears started to fall.

Ashley turned around to face me and her face was as damp with tears as mine, "Because if it wasn't for you I wouldn't be having to deal with a potentially career ruining scandal. If you hadn't given me fucking grief about having to hide our relationship and just been patient then none of this would be happening. You had to know that by forcing me to go out with you last night you were leaving me open to scandal, hell I bet you're glad we got photographed together!"

I let out a loud sob before I choked out, "How could you possibly think that? I have done nothing but support you Ash!"

"Like hell you have! Jesus Spencer! You have been on my case about me coming out since the second we started this thing. So tell me, did you tip off the paparazzi? It would certainly boost your career now wouldn't it Spencer, getting linked with an up and coming rock star, it would do fucking wonders for your career and that fucking movie you're so damn invested in!" she screamed at me.

Before I could think I lashed out and slapped her hard across the face, causing her head to snap back. As soon as I realised what I had done I clamped my hand over my mouth in horror and started to sob in earnest. I stumbled out of the living room, trying to put some space between myself and the woman I loved who was shouting hurtful and untrue accusations at me.

I stumbled into the kitchen and sank to the floor in front of my fridge. I heard footsteps follow me in and saw Ashley sag to the ground a few feet from me as tears ran in torrents down her face over the angry red hand mark on her right cheek. She gazed at me and choked out, "Spence I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said any of that, I'm just freaking out here. I shouldn't be taking this out on you, this is all just too much. This could ruin my career and I am shitting myself, please you have to know I didn't mean what I said." She reached over and tried to take my hand in hers.

I tore my hand from her grasp and climbed unsteadily to my feet. I stood straight and crossed my arms over my chest, "No, you don't get to apologise to me Ashley. Not after that. The things you said to me don't simply go away because you say sorry. Sorry doesn't make it all go away, it doesn't make it better. You said those things and now they're out there, you can never take them back." I took a deep, shuddering breath and walked over to my sliding door so I could look out over the ocean, hoping to find a sense of calm the ocean usually provided me. It didn't work.

I lowered my head and sobbed harshly into my hands as I listened to her ragged breathing behind me. I listened to her scramble to her feet and stride over to me. "Spencer please you have to understand, this has really thrown me. I don't know what to do here, with any of this. I shouldn't have said what I did, but you have been giving me shit about hiding our relationship from day one," she murmured.

I shook my head and turned to face her, "Fuck you Ashley, even now you still think you're right. You apologise but you don't really mean it."

She looked at me incredulously and slightly offended, "Of course I mean it Spence, I am sorry I hurt you."

I scoffed, "ah I see, you're sorry you hurt me, but aren't sorry you said what you did, because you actually think some of it is justified. Am I right?"

Ashley looked down at the ground and muttered, "No Spence it's not like that at all. I lashed out in anger and I was freaking out, I didn't mean it. I didn't. Look, everything is going to be fine I think, it's not like you sold your story to the press or anything, it's just pictures and speculation at this point. Ethan and my publicist are already on it and by tomorrow this scandal could be dead in the water, fuck they get paid enough to make shit like this go away. I mean we'll have to cool things down between us and maybe stop seeing each other for a little while, but once the scandal clears we can go back to the way things have been! We'll just have to be extra discreet."

I shook my head and staggered back a few steps needing to create some space between us, "Go back to the way things have been? Are you fucking kidding me?" I asked in disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. If you can just be a bit more patient and realise that I can't come out then we can go back and things will be just as they were," She said seriously, like she adamantly believed every word she was saying.

I sighed and ran my hand through my long blonde hair, "Ashley the way things were? I can't go back to that. The way things were was shit. We were fighting almost non-stop and I spent far too much time being fucking miserable. I don't want to go back to the way things were!" I cried out huskily as tears continued to fall down my cheeks.

"Then what do you want Spencer?" Ashley pleaded, sounding almost defeated which was exactly how I felt. I was defeated, I was done fighting. I had nothing left in me to give her.

"What do I want? I want to walk down the street holding your hand. I want to take you to my favourite restaurant and have you fall in love with their famous chicken pasta. I want to introduce you to my friends and family as my girlfriend and take you home for Christmas so you can experience my Dad's cooking which is better than any you'll find in the five star restaurants here. I want to take you to the beach and stay there all day until we are the last ones there and then I want to make love to you as the tide washes over us. I want to do grocery shopping with you. I want to travel the world with you and make love to you in as many cities as possible. I want to have picnics in the park with you. I want to do all the little mundane, day to day things with you. In short I want everything with you Ashley." I rasped out, my voice trembling with emotion.

Ashley shook her head sadly and cried, "I can't Spencer, not yet. Why can't you understand that?!"

I smiled sorrowfully and took a small step closer to her, "I understand Honey, I do, but I can't be your dirty little secret anymore. It just hurts way too much. I love you so much Ashley, and that love deserves better than this."

Ashley looked stunned as she whispered almost inaudibly, "you love me?"

I nodded, "yes I do." It was said almost emotionlessly, a simple statement of truth.

"Then please wait, give me more time," she begged me, moving until she was standing right next to my trembling body.

I took a big heaving breath and murmured, "I can't Ashley. I have waited long enough. I have compromised who I am to be with you and I can't do it anymore. You promised me a month and now I think you never had any intention of coming out. I don't even think the record label is what is keeping you in the closet anymore Ash, I think it's you. I think you're scared and are hiding behind the label as an excuse."

Ashley shook her head and reached out to hold my hand in a vice like grip before gasping out, "Spencer, please don't do this!"

Hearing the anguish in her voice broke my already, beaten and bruised heart. I closed my eyes as I felt her wrap her arms around me and bury her face in the crook of my neck. Her tears were hot on my skin as she sobbed against me.

I choked back my own sobs and whispered brokenly, "I'm sorry, but I have to Ashley. If I stay with you like this then I'm going to keep getting hurt and eventually all the love I feel for you will be nothing more than resentment and I don't want that for us."

I tried to detangle myself from her arms, only to have her hold tighten desperately as she choked out, "But I love you Spencer, I love you! You're my everything."

I smiled brokenly and reached up to cup her cheek in my palm. I felt her lean into my touch and had to close my eyes. In this moment I had to be strong. I couldn't fall back on old habits or it would ultimately destroy all the love between us. The gap between us had become far too big to bridge. I opened my eyes and gazed into her shimmering mocha orbs as I whispered, "I love you too."

She looked up at me with so much heart ache I just wanted to take back everything that was about to come out, but I couldn't. She struggled to get her wracking sobs under control as she cried out, "then why won't you stay?"

I pulled my hand away from her cheek and forced myself to step out of her arms. I staggered back a few feet and sobbed, "Because Baby sometimes love just isn't enough. You need to figure out what you really want, because right now I'm not so sure it's me. Good bye Ashley."

I turned around to walk out of my kitchen, to get as far away from her as possible before I completely broke, when I heard her choke out, "This can't be over, we can't be over. This can't be happening!"

I paused in the doorway and turned back to her. I watched the tears run in rivers down her cheeks as I whispered hoarsely, "Then how come it is." I turned back around and walked away, ignoring her calls for me to come back. I slipped into my bedroom, took Ashley's clothes and put them in a neat pile in the hallway and then went back inside and locked the door behind me. As soon as I heard the lock click my legs gave way and I sunk to the floor.

I wish I could tell you how long I had laid there, but I have no freaking clue. I curled up into the foetal position and just cried. At some point I heard Ashley in the hallway, picking up her things. The sound of her sobs tore through me and made me truly hate myself. I knew I had done the right thing, but that didn't make it any easier to listen to the woman I love sob brokenly only a few feet away from where I laid.

After I heard her leave I picked up the remote for my CD player which lay beside me on the floor and pressed play, needing anything to drown out the silence that was overwhelming me now that she was gone. I started sobbing anew when I realised what was playing, how appropriate for the images of the future already circling in my head, how gut wrenchingly bittersweet.

_Look down the ground below is crumbling  
Look up the stars are all exploding_

It's the last day on earth  
In my dreams  
It's the end of the world  
And you've come back to me  
In my dreams

Between the dust and the debris  
There's a light surrounding you and me

It's the last day on earth  
In my dreams  
It's the end of the world  
And you've come back to me  
In my dreams

And you hold me closer than I can ever remember being held.  
I'm not afraid to sleep now, if we can stay like this until

It's the last day on earth  
In my dreams  
It's the end of the world  
And you've come back to me

In my head I replay our conversations  
Over and over til they feel like hallucinations  
You know me? I love to lose my mind  
And every time anybody speaks your name I still feel the same  
I ache, I ache, I ache, inside.

_In my head I replay our conversations  
Over and over til they feel like hallucinations  
You know me? I love to lose my mind  
And every time anybody speaks your name I still feel the same  
I ache, I ache, I ache, inside._

_I ache, I ache, I ache, inside_

_I ache, I ache, I ache, inside_

_I ache, I ache, I ache, inside_

I closed my eyes as the last haunting notes from the piano played through the speakers and violently hit stop on my remote, unable to take any more. I know that I had been the person to break up with her, but really she is the one who walked away from me.

It was starting to get dark when I heard a tentative knock on my bedroom door and Eva call through the wood, "Spence? Honey, open the door, I know you're in there."

I struggled to my feet and released the lock. I didn't bother opening the door, I just turned and threw myself down on my bed. I heard Eva open the door and cross the room to my side. She didn't say a word, she just pulled me into her arms and held me as my tears started to flow again. I had to wonder then if you could ever run out of tears, because after all I had cried that day I couldn't have many left.

Eva cradled me against her and rubbed soothing circles on my back. We sat like that for the longest time, until my sobs had lessened and I was able to sit up. I leant heavily against my bed head and took in the rumpled sheets and disarray of my bed. I let out a strangled cry and flew off my bed. It was all rumpled because only hours ago I had been making love to the woman I love in it.

I ran from the room and into the living room, only to be confronted by the memories we'd shared in there. I could vividly see her staring out the huge windows, or sitting on my sofa telling me she was gay, or lying over me on the sofa before she kissed me more passionately than I'd ever been kissed before. I went to run into the kitchen, heading for the vodka in my freezer, only to be caught in Eva's strong arms.

"I can't stay here Evie, everything reminds me of her," I sobbed out, my chest heaving as I struggled to draw a breath.

"Ok, then you'll come with me. You can stay at my place as long as you need to ok?" Eva offered as she held me close. I nodded and let my tears fall again. I sagged to the floor, pulling Eva with me. After I had cried myself into silence, Eva left to go pack a bag of my stuff while I got changed (I was still only wearing my robe).

Once I was wearing an old pair of sweatpants and my well worn UCLA hoodie, Eva led me out to her mustang and helped me in. She threw my bag into the trunk and climbed in the driver's seat. As she was about to start the car I placed a hand on hers and asked, "How did you know to come and find me? How did you know about Ashley and I?"

"Well got a phone call from Ashley. She called me Spencer, I'm pretty sure it was right after you'd locked yourself in your bedroom. She told me to give you some time alone and then to go look after you. She told me she was sorry and asked me to tell you that." I closed my eyes against the fresh tears that were waiting to fall. Eva gave my hand a squeeze and continued, "Then I got an abusive phone call from Ethan asking if we made a habit of ruining our client's careers," I looked at her in shock before she smiled tightly and clarified, "He called back later to apologise. He will probably be calling you later too."

I nodded and whispered, "Ashley really called you?"

Eva smiled kindly, "Yeah she did. She cares about you, you know as well as anyone that it wasn't a lack of love that broke you guys up. Now how about we go to my place and eat a frighteningly large amount of ice cream?" I nodded gratefully and leaned back into the car seat.

As Eva reversed out of my driveway I saw a familiar black Porsche pull away from the curb across from my house and drive away.

**Song used in this chapter:**

**Last Day On Earth by Kate Miller-Heidke (A beautiful, moving song that brings tears to my eyes)**


	22. Staring At The Mess I Made

**I am overwhelmed by the reviews, thank you.**

LoveAsh87, freakanatomy, darkangeleyes23 – Thank you for reviewing

day-dreamer2010, .Heart – Thank you so much, I'm glad you liked it

slushhy, ebonyedlove, PeacefullyBreaking – Yep Spencer finally stood up for herself. They love each other and time will tell if they can work it out. Thank you for reviewing

drummergirl244 – Thanks, I like to catch people off guard!

2bz2breading – you're right, when you're not out it is important to be careful of who you fall in love with. It is a complicated situation. I think Spencer did the right thing too

shayer – Aw you forgive Ashley? I think you might be the only one lol. Oh wow thank you for your kinds words, they truly meant so much. Ashley is flawed but she loves Spencer, she had to wait and see if she was alright. Thanks again

ilovemeyself26 – You knew it huh? Hmm and you say you weren't reading my mind…

somthgIlike2do, bethers85 – Thank you. You're right Ashley has to let her fear go and only then can they be together

bmbailey03 – I'm sorry it broke your heart, but I am touched that it is your favourite chapter. Thank you

uluvme – Ashley isn't ready to come out and Spencer was all out of options, hence the break up. Ashley needs to sort herself out and Spencer needs to breathe.

Palexobsessed – Ok so I save your review til last. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, I appreciate it. I'm glad you like the story, it has been a pleasure to write. You think I pick on Ash huh…well in Fear Itself I let Spencer get raped and then almost raped again, in Sorta Fairytale I gave her cancer, in What Went Wrong I had her miscarry and then had Ashley cheat on her and then in Face Down I let her have the crap beaten out of her lol…I think I'm rather mean to Spencer, although I do make Ash the punching bag an awful lot.

I think that neither woman is totally right or wrong here. Ah the "what do I want" speech. I actually wrote that on the back of my ticket while on a plane lol. I was listening to my Ipod and it came into my head.

As for the pet names, I hadn't noticed I was using them that often, but looking back you're right. Thanks. Oh and please don't punch babies or furry animals!! Punch Tom, him you can do what you like to. Thanks so much, once again for an awesome review!

**Usual disclaimer, SoN not mine…I am just the puppet master torturing the characters! **

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Twenty-Two – Staring At The Mess I Made**

Ashley's POV

I tightened my hold on her desperately and cried, "But I love you Spencer, I love you! You're my everything."

She smiled brokenly at me and reached up to cup my cheek in her palm. I leant into her touch and sensed the finality of it as I felt my heart shatter in my chest. She closed her eyes tightly, almost like she was steadying her resolve. I loved her so damn much and I couldn't believe I'd waited until now to tell her. I knew I had hurt her, I had fucked up majorly time and time again and now it looked like I was going to lose her. She opened her eyes and stared sadly into mine as she whispered, "I love you too."

For a second my heart swelled with love and hope, only to have it drain out when I took in the expression on her face. She was absolutely defeated, there was no fight left in her. It was literally like she had nothing left to give. She was done. I looked up at her with my heart ache written plainly on my face. I struggled to get my wracking sobs under control as I choked out, "then why won't you stay?"

She pulled her hand away from my cheek gently and then stepped forcefully out of my arms which fought to hold her. I knew then that it was over, that I had lost her. She staggered back a few feet and sobbed loudly, "Because Baby sometimes love just isn't enough. You need to figure out what you really want, because right now I'm not so sure it's me. Good bye Ashley."

I watched her turn around to walk out of the kitchen and almost screamed, "This can't be over, we can't be over. This can't be happening!"

She paused in the doorway and turned back to look at me. I watched as her body convulsed with sobs and she whispered hoarsely, "Then how come it is." She turned back around and walked away, ignoring my frantic calls for her to come back.

I considered chasing after her, but knew it would do no good. It was too late for that. I began crying so hard that I couldn't breathe. I fell to the cold tiles and cried until I thought I'd be sick. I had no idea where Spencer had gone, I wanted so badly to go to her, hold her in my arms and beg her to take me back. I wanted to promise her that I would make everything right, that I would be open to the world about our relationship, but I knew I couldn't. I couldn't give her those promises yet, I wasn't ready.

You might think I'm a coward, and you know what I would agree with you. I am a coward. A huge fucking coward. I am just so damn scared. Music is all I have in my life. My mother and I haven't spoken in years, not since I got my inheritance from my father and refused to give her half, she was pissed off that my Dad had written her out of his will. I had a half sister, Kyla, who I used to be close to, but she had moved to Cambodia as part of some international aide organisation. I have no close friends any more, any that had an inkling of my sexuality have been cut out and the only people I see regularly now are Ethan, Pat and Aiden.

So in short all I had was my music, until Spencer. I met her and the moment our eyes locked in that meeting room at Worlds Awa Productions I fell hopelessly in love with her. I wanted nothing more than to declare to the world that she was mine, but if it would affect my music career I couldn't do it. My music was the closest link I had to my father.

Ethan Marks senior had been one of my Dad's closest friends and he had always steered Dad right when it came to his music so I trusted him to do the same for me. They were close until...well until the end and my Dad once said that had he listened to him then, well then things would have turned out differently. So when he told me I should hide my sexuality from the public I agreed. I never predicted Spencer would come into my life and turn it all on its head. How can you predict meeting someone like Spencer Carlin?

I never knew that I would meet the love of my life like this, or that I would fall so damn fast.

I bet you're thinking that it should be an easy choice. That I should just be honest about who I am and then get the girl I am pretty certain I can't live without. I bet you're all hating on me right now and you should be. I don't expect you to understand, hell I'm not even sure I fully understand. All I know is I have to make a success of myself, I have to make my Dad proud of me. I need to learn from his mistakes.

I would give anything to make my Dad proud of me. I had worked so hard to be good at something he was legendary at and I couldn't let anything stop me.

I pulled myself to my feet and ambled to her bedroom to get my clothes after I realised that I was still only dressed in her robe. I saw the door to her room was closed with my clothing sitting in a neat pile near the door. I guess I knew where she was. I stepped closer to the door and rested my ear against it. I could hear her sobbing, violently and I so badly wanted to go to her.

I couldn't though. I had already hurt her enough. I could not go to her until I was ready to give her what she wanted from me. I would not hurt her any more than I already had. I would be ready one day to be everything she needed me to be and then I would go to her and beg her for another chance and for her forgiveness, which she had no reason to give me. If I was lucky enough she would let me in again and we would get our forever.

I began to sob hard, I tried in vain to stifle my cries as I picked up my clothes from the floor. I headed down the hall to the bathroom and slipped on my clothes and hung her robe up behind the door, resisting the urge to take it with me. I took a deep shuddering breath to steady myself and looked into the mirror. I bit my lip and hardly recognised the woman staring back at me. She was pale and blotchy. She looked broken and lost.

I let the water run so that I could wash the tears from my face. I dried my eyes and gripped the sink hard in my hands as I prepared myself to walk out of this house and away from Spencer Carlin.

I headed to her living room and scooped up my bag and keys. I took one last look around at a place that had become a haven for me. I had never felt safer or more loved than I felt in Spencer's arms in this house. I felt fresh tears start to escape my eyes as I walked almost blindly out to my car and climbed in before dialling Eva's cell. Spencer would want some time alone today, but later she was going to need some one.

I was dreading this call. I mean really who wants to call a girl's best friend when you have just broken her heart. Because I know that even though Spencer was the one to actually end it, I gave her no damn choice. I was the reason we were over. It was all on me, in fact Spencer deserved a medal for putting up with my shit for as long as she did.

I raised my cell to my ear and listened to the ringing on the other end, half hoping it would go through to voicemail and I wouldn't have to face the wrath of Eva Reynolds.

"_Hello?_" Eva said as she answered the phone.

"Hi Eva, it's Ashley, uh I need to talk to you about something," I choked out, trying to stop the tremor in my voice and failing miserably.

"_Oh my God Ashley what's wrong? Is it Spencer? Is she alright_?" Eva asked in a panicked voice.

"Physically she's fine, but no I don't think she's alright, in fact I know she's not," I whispered as tears dropped from my chin to the hand I had clenched into a fist on my lap.

"_What are you talking about Ashley? What the hell happened?_" Eva demanded, fear evident in her tone.

I started to cry in earnest then, "Eva have you seen the paper today, or watched the news?"

"_Um no I just woke up, what's the deal?_" She asked in a confused tone.

I took a deep breath and said, "Well Spencer and I were photographed together last night at a club and it's all over the media this morning. We got into a huge fight about it this morning and we...uh we broke up. I screwed it all up Eva," I burst into violent sobs then, saying it out loud was too damn much.

"_Fuck! Are you kidding? Please tell me you're kidding_?" Eva yelled down the line.

I laughed harshly, "God I wish I was. Eva, she is holed up in her bedroom right now and probably needs to be alone for a little while, but later she's really going to need you. I can't bear the thought of her being alone through this."

"_Ok, but what happened? I get that emotions would have been running high after finding out about the photos, but something must have happened to make you guys break up_," Eva said softly.

I sighed sadly and swallowed around the lump in my throat, "I said some things to her, things that I didn't really mean. They were so unforgivable Eva! God I want so badly to take them back. I am such a fuck up, I wish I could be what she wants me to be, but I just can't."

"_What she wants Ashley is you. She just can't keep hiding with you in the closet, it's just not who she is. She fought so hard to be out and to have people accept her and all this hiding is just not her. Ashley whatever you said I know you're sorry and I also know that Spencer will forgive you long before you forgive yourself. Maybe you guys need time apart before you can really be together_," Eva said gently. I had been expecting her to yell at me a lot so I was kind of grateful to her for not attacking or threatening to maim me. Even though I was sure I deserved it.

"Eva I'd better go, just promise you'll look after her for me and could you please tell her I'm sorry?" I murmured despondently.

"_I will Ashley. Good bye and take care of yourself_," Eva said before hanging up. I snapped my phone closed and started my car, I drove down the coast for a little while until I hit a beach devoid of people. I climbed out of the car and walked down onto the sand. I sunk to the ground and tucked my knees into my chest. I stared out at the ocean which was the same stormy blue as Spencer's eyes had been before she walked away from me.

I'm not too sure how long I sat there when my phone started to ring. I reluctantly answered it, "Hello Ethan."

"_Ashley, well I think we may have nipped this scandal in the bud. Your publicist is about to issue a statement to the press, but we want you to come in and see it before we do. Can you be in my office in half an hour?_" Ethan asked, his tone was one of anger and annoyance.

"Yes I can do that. I'll see you soon," I replied. Ethan hung up without saying another word. He and I had known each other for years and it hurt that he was so disappointed in me. I mean it pissed me off to watch him flirt with Spencer, but he had been a good friend to me over the years.

I climbed to my feet and stumbled back to the car, dusting the sand off my ass and legs as I went. I sat in the driver's seat for a moment before starting the car and driving out of the car park. I drove back past Spencer's, I had to know she was alright. I saw Eva's Mustang in her driveway so I pulled up down the road a bit and watched the house. After about fifteen minutes Eva led a fragile looking Spencer out of the house with an overnight bag in her hands.

I felt fresh tears spill from my eyes as I took in the fragile shell that was my now _ex-_girlfriend. God even think that made me feel sick to my stomach. How the hell did I let it get to this? When did I become such a big coward?

Eva helped Spencer into the car and then deposited the bag in her trunk. I guess Spencer didn't want to be alone and was going to stay at Eva's. I could understand that, we shared a damn lot of memories in that house. Seeing as I would almost never let us be out in public together we spent a damn lot of time in her house, it was more private than my apartment.

As Eva walked around to the driver's side I saw her glance up at my car and nod her head subtly in acknowledgement of my presence. She climbed in and reversed the car out of the driveway. I started my car and pulled away from the curb. As I drove away I saw Spencer looking out the passenger side window and knew she recognised my car.

I sighed and drove straight to Marks Records, knowing Ethan was going to be massively pissed off at me for being so late. I parked my car and jogged inside, riding the elevator up to the fifteenth floor where Ethan junior's office could be found. I strode into the office to find Ethan engaged in a conversation with Patricia, my publicist.

"Hi Ethan, Pat, I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner, the traffic you know," I explained lamely.

Pat gave me a fake smile of understanding while Ethan just glared. God he looked just like his Dad when he glare like that. He stood up from his desk and shuffled some papers before striding over to me and thrusting a typed page into my hands. "This is the statement we are going to release to the press, read it and tell me if you're happy with it," Ethan barked at me.

I nodded and wordlessly read the words on the page. It was pretty standard. It basically stated that Spencer and I had gotten to know each other when working on my video and had developed a friendship. The statement went on to say that Spence and I were just friends and that I was in a relationship with Aiden Dennison, as was confirmed by his reps recently.

I blinked back tears as I thought about Spencer's reaction to this statement, it was going to crush her. I had no idea what to do. My head was a mess of conflicting thoughts and emotions. I think Ethan could sense this because he asked Pat to step outside and turned to me. He walked over and stood a few feet from me with his arms crossed over his chest and a cold look on his face.

"Ethan, do we have to keep linking me to Aiden? I mean can't we just deny the rumours about me and Spencer? Why do I have to be in a 'relationship' with him? It's pointless!" I argued.

Ethan shook his head and sneered at me, "Well maybe if you hadn't landed up in deep fucking shit with your little love affair with the fucking director then we could stop pairing you an Aiden up, but now that we have some lovely lesbian rumours to quash we need a plausible excuse. That excuse is Aiden Dennison, plus this arrangement with him is a mutually beneficial one, his agents would go postal if we tried to change it now. So how about you let me handle this and just do what I tell you to do!"

I hung my head and stared down at my hands. I don't know what the fuck had happened to me. Before all this shit, the single and the album, back when I was song writing and producing I never would have tolerated this shit from anyone, let alone Ethan. I gritted my teeth and kept quite.

"It never had to come to this Ashley, we weren't asking for much, just that you be discreet about your sexual preference until we had gotten you a well established and loyal fan base. All you had to fucking do was keep it in your pants! Do you not want a successful career Ashley? Don't you want to make your father proud?" Ethan snapped at me as he glared harshly.

I swallowed hard and looked up at him, "Of course I want that. It's all I've been working towards since I was a teenager. I didn't mean for any of this to happen, I didn't mean to fall in love with her Ethan, it just happened! I couldn't have stopped it if I'd wanted to."

Ethan froze and then his expression hardened, "You love her?" He asked in an emotionless voice.

I nodded and smiled tightly, "yeah I do, so much and because of all this shit she broke up with me this morning. I love her so much Ethan, isn't there anyway I can just be out now? I mean the single is doing so well and the video too so maybe it won't be so bad for me to be out?" I suggested with a faint stirring of hope mixing in with the fear and pain that I was feeling.

Ethan shook his head and looked at me pityingly, "You are a talented musician Ash but not a great businesswoman, you come out now, before people are invested in you and it will ruin everything we have worked for, everything your Dad ever wanted for you. Even a career like his would struggle with a scandal like that. If you want to destroy your career then come out now. If you want a long successful career like your Dad had then you should listen to me, I know what I'm doing."

Ethan glared at me hard and I dropped my eyes to the floor in defeat. I could hear her words clearly in my head, _I don't even think the record label is what is keeping you in the closet anymore Ash, I think it's you. I think you're scared and are hiding behind the label as an excuse._ I tried to tell myself she was wrong, but I couldn't convince myself of that. It was far too easy for me to just hideaway in the closet and use the label as my excuse. I didn't deserve Spencer, I never did. I passed Ethan the typed up statement of bullshit in my hand and murmured, "Fine, release this load of crap to the press."

Ethan took the paper and walked towards the door. He paused with his hand on the knob and said, "You're doing the right thing here Ashley. Nothing worth while comes easily or without sacrifice." He flashed me a fake smile.

I sagged down onto a chair and buried my face in my hands. I remember saying something similar to Spencer, that nothing worth while comes easily. I just hoped the sacrifice was worth it because this statement was pretty much going to be the nail in the coffin of my short, intense and life shattering relationship with Spencer Carlin. I had this feeling that she would never forgive me for the lies I was about to let them release. You know what, I would probably never forgive myself for it either.

He strode to the door and turned to face me with a look of contempt, "So what happened to your face?"

I raised my hand to my cheek and let my fingers drift over the area that should be burning from Spencer's slap. Instead I felt nothing. I raised my eyes to his and muttered, "I just got what was coming to me."

Ethan scowled before spitting out, "Well get some cover up or something, we can't have the press photographing you with a big slap mark on your cheek!" With that Ethan stormed out of the room without looking back once.


	23. In The Pain, There Is Healing

**As always thanks for reviewing and sharing your thoughts.**

LoveAsh87, ivegotsecrets2 – Yep Ashley has screwed up, no argument here!

PeacefullyBreaking, ebonyedlove, Life-Live-Love-Learn, mutt009, ilovemyself26 – Ashley has messed up and has broken Spencer's heart and her own. Ethan, well he has a lot to answer for. Thank you for reviewing

2bz2breading, sonfan92 – Thanks for your reviews

shayer – Spencer will forgive Ashley long before she probably should, that's who she is. You're right the forgiveness will not take away the pain, forgive but not forget. I am a firm believer that love isn't enough on its own. Ethan is a wank, no argument here. You're right, Spencer has a support network and right now Ash has no one

Cheruth –I agree with much of what you said, some of which is similar to points I make in an upcoming chapter I have already written. Thanks for sharing your thoughts

somthgIlike2do – Yep she should. Ethan is jealous and an ass. Hmm have you been reading my mind…I won't elaborate but you'll probably get what I'm referring to in the next few chapters. Thanks!

slushhy – Hehe thanks! I felt it was important to give Ashley's pov, give some insight into what she's going through. I hope that the chapters to come will explain what happened to Ashley, where all the fear came from.

EagleSenior – I think Spencer is so forgiving and understanding that after a little time has passed she'll want to see Ashley.

no1spacecadet – Yes hit Ashley, not me lol. Thanks for taking the time to review!

tigersforever – Yep Ethan is a douche, and yeah he just might be upset all the girls want each other rather than him

Palexobsessed – Thanks for another great review. Hehe, either way I am mean to Spashley in my fics. I torture them both really lol. And you are not insensitive at all! I know you weren't having a go about the pet names, you gave me something to think about as I hadn't ever noticed I was doing it. It's weird because in real life I don't overly like them at all, particularly when directed at me lol. LOL at 'that takes ovaries' I like that! Thanks again for the novel (jk) lol!

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Twenty-****Three – ****In The Pain, There Is Healing**

Spencer's POV

It took me four days after I broke up with Ashley before I felt able to go back to my house. I spent those four days curled up on Eva's sofa alternating between crying, cursing the world, blaming myself, blaming Ashley, blaming Ethan, blaming Aiden, even blaming Eva's gold fish Freddy (not totally sure why), drinking myself into oblivion and just lying there numbly staring at the ceiling.

Eva was incredible during that time. She forced me to eat and bathe and look after myself when all I wanted to do was wallow in this pit of darkness that I had sunk into... and for some odd reason I just wanted to eat gummy bears, not sure why. I was kind of mad at myself for the degree to which I was hurting. I hadn't known her all that long, it seemed ridiculous that after the short time I had known her I felt destroyed by the loss of her. I guess that's where love makes no rational sense.

On the fifth day I dragged my sorry ass back to my house after I had to physically threaten Eva to get her to go to work. She had been staying home with me, doing what work she could from home, but it couldn't go on like that anymore. I was allowing myself another day to wallow and then I was going to fight like hell to get my life back.

I took a cab to my place and sighed sadly as I plodded up my driveway, collecting my mail as I went. I grabbed the old newspapers on my lawn and took them inside too. The house was the same as I had left it, except Eva had come in changed my sheets and made my bed and then tidied the place. It was her way of doing a little Ashley exorcism I guess.

It's a shame she couldn't dull the memories for me though. I wandered through my house looking around at all that was once familiar and comforting, but was now all tied up in memories of the brunette rock star I was in love with. I knew that eventually I would enjoy recalling my memories of Ashley, but right now it was all a bit too raw.

I went to my bedroom and changed into some running shorts and a sports bra. I pulled on a pair of runners and headed out to the beach. I pulled out my IPod and stuck the ear buds in my ears. I turned up the music until it was all I could hear and began running along the sand to beat of some angry rock music. I ran until I literally couldn't run anymore and then I slowly trudged home, my lungs and muscles burning. I figured if I exhausted myself enough I might just get a full nights sleep, which would be a first since I broke up with Ashley.

I plodded inside and took a hot shower before settling down on the love seat in my bedroom with my newspapers and mail. I figured now was as good a time as any to catch myself up on what was going on. I started with the mail, sadly it was mostly bills with a letter from my Dad and an invitation to some awards show the next night that I would probably end up going to. Once the mail was all opened I turned to the pile of newspapers next to me and went straight for the entertainment section. In my line of work the entertainment section was the only part of the paper I ever read.

As soon as I opened the first paper a huge photo of Ashley and me in a tight embrace caught my eye. I gasped and blinked hard as tears came to my eyes. So these were the pictures that were the catalyst for the destruction of my love life, hmm sad thing was they were actually pretty nice photos. In the first one Ashley and I were in an intimate embrace. Her arms were around my waist and her face was buried in my neck with my cheek resting on her hair. Both of us were smiling.

The second picture showed us walking into the club with Ashley's hand resting on my lower back, pretty close to my ass. The third must have been taken inside the club. Ashley was standing behind me with her hands pressed against my stomach. My head was thrown back on her shoulder and her lips were on my neck just below my ear. Yeah that one was pretty incriminating.

I swiped at the tears on my cheeks before pulling on my glasses to read the story that accompanied those fucking photos that had been the last straw in the demise of my relationship.

_Rocker Princess, Ashley Davies, has made headlines this morning after she was photographed last night at a local club with the out and proud, blonde director, Spencer Carlin. Carlin and Davies met when Carlin's production company, Worlds Away Productions, was tasked with producing Davies' first music video for her hugely popular debut single, Common Ground. A source close to the pair said they hit it off immediately and not long after their initial meeting began a heated romance behind Davies boyfriend, Lakers new point Guard Aiden Dennison._

_Our source disclosed that the women were often seen sneaking off the set of the music video hand in hand, with a lot of closed door conversations. It is reported that the women meet frequently at out of the way restaurants and clubs, often being found in heated embraces and compromising positions. _

_Carlin is known mostly for her music videos and commercials, but is a talent in her own right as an award winning film director. Her films have quite a following in the LGBT community where she is considered and inspiration for many people. Carlin has never shied away from her sexuality and was quoted a year ago saying, "Yes I'm a lesbian. That doesn't change who I am, but it is a huge part of me. It saddens me that people feel the need to hide this part of themselves."_

_Carlin made headlines last year when her then leading lady, Toni Hillard, and she broke up rather publically on the red carpet of the GLAAD awards._

_Davies was always considered a bit of a wild child, until she settled down into a job at Marks Records as a song writer and then later as a producer. It was only this year that she began pursuing her own musical stardom with the release of her first single and music video and the upcoming release of her debut album. _

_Is this clandestine romance merely a publicity stunt, or is our Rocker Princess batting for the other team? It remains to be seen what Davies fans will think of this latest revelation, time will tell on this one._

I shook my head and threw the paper aside. All in all that one wasn't as bad as I had been expecting, I knew there were more though and probably much worse in various other media sources. This one actually wasn't all that bad, but I wasn't ashamed of my sexuality so I can only imagine how it would have seemed to someone like Ashley who was.

Sighing heavily I picked up the next paper from the pile, it was the one from the day after the shit hit the fan and we broke up. I opened the paper and smiled sardonically when I saw the headline, "Davies denies gay rumors." I shook my head and began reading the article, getting pretty pissed off by the time I was done.

_In response to the rumors that hit yesterday, Ashley Davies and her reps have issued a statement. In this statement, which was published online last night at about 8pm Davies states that she and Spencer Carlin are just friends who became acquainted when Carlin was brought on board to work on Ashley's music video. The statement goes on to say that Carlin and Davies are only and have only ever been friends. Davies' reps have further stated that Ashley is in a relationship with the Lakers new point guard, Aiden Dennison, as was confirmed by his reps recently._

_Davies reps advise that this rumor has not in any way disrupted the relationship between Ashley and Aiden who are in happy, committed relationship. It's advised that the photos that appeared in the media yesterday were merely taken out of context and that people were very quick to view the scenes as scandalous due to Carlin's openness about her own sexual orientation._

_Davies is said to be hurt that people misjudged her friendship with Carlin, and concerned that it would have a negative impact on her relationship with Dennison. In a comment given to this reporter Ashley said that she cared about Spencer, but only as a friend._

_Ashley's debut album is due for release in the next month and her single can be found in all good record stores or on Itunes._

I scrunched the paper up tightly in my hand and tried to ignore the stabbing pain in my chest. I knew it would hurt to hear her publicly deny her feelings for me, but I didn't expect her to use a fake relationship with Aiden as a means of throwing people off the story.

It made me start to question if that relationship between them was as fake as she always told me it was. Maybe there really was something between them and I was just the stupid fuck wit who let myself be sucked in by the gorgeous brunette. I felt like such a fool.

I threw the rest of the papers hard against my window and watched them fall to the carpet under the bay window overlooking the beach. I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my head on them as the tears fell hard and fast.

I sat like that for what felt like hours and then I stopped and had a moment of clarity, I guess you'd call it that. _Fuck this!_ I thought to myself, there was no way I was going to let this break me. I got to my feet and wandered down to the kitchen. I grabbed a glass of juice (yeah not wine, juice and it didn't even have vodka in it) and headed down to my office. I opened my laptop and began typing. Everything and anything that came to me.

After a few hours what I had was a revised script for the film, a filled in application for a film festival and a few songs. Yeah that's right I'd written lyrics, I bet you thought Ashley was the only musical one in our fucked up little relationship. Well that is just not true. Once I'd written the lyrics I got my guitar and spent the night working out some rough tunes. I wasn't overly talented in that department, but I knew people who would help me. I decided that the songs would be perfect for the movie.

I went to bed that night and for the first time in days felt the faintest stirring of hope. I was going to get through this. I just had to focus on my work, my friends and keep myself busy, then with time I would be ok. Or so I hoped.

I awoke the next morning in a blaze of inspiration and activity. I headed into the office early and got caught up on the work I had missed, which thankfully wasn't all that much because Eva is the best friend/business partner anyone could have and had taken care of pretty much everything.

I was just finishing off cleaning up my email inbox when Eva came striding into my office with a jumbo Starbucks coffee in her hand. I smiled gratefully and took it into my hands. "Thanks Evie, this is just what I needed. Now are you free at 1? Because I've set up a production meeting for the movie. I had some ideas last night that I'm eager to discuss so we can get this film made. Filming was scheduled to start, uh a week tomorrow right?"

Eva looked at me with her mouth hanging open. I glanced up at her and raised an eyebrow, "what?" I asked with an innocent smile.

"Um don't get me wrong, I'm happy to see you here and well um functioning, but what happened between the time you left my place and now? Are you drunk? Medicated?" Eva asked in confusion.

I chuckled, "no I just opted for sanity instead of a pit of despair, that alright with you?" Eva nodded and took a seat across from me at my desk. I took of my glasses and sighed, "She hurt me Eva, badly and I know I hurt her too. I love her so much and I'm not entirely sure how to be without her in my life, but I have to try. I can't let this defeat me. I love my work and you and that is what's going to get me through this. I am not ignoring or repressing what happened, I'm trying to channel it into something productive. I'm not saying I won't fall apart on a regular basis for the next year or so or that this thing with Ashley isn't going to fuck up all my future relationships but I am going to do what I can to get through this."

Eva got up from her seat and came around to my chair. She knelt on the floor (in a rather tight shirt and really high heels, no mean feat!) in front of me and pulled me into her arms for a warm hug. "I love you Carlin and I'll do what I can to help you through this," she said, her voice muffled by my chest.

"I know you will, and you can start by telling me why I haven't heard of anymore dates you had with the cute red head you met at Gray," I demanded with a smirk.

Eva threw back her head and laughed before getting up (ok so I had to stand up and pull her to her feet, I knew she shouldn't have knelt down in that tight skirt and heels) and moving to sit on my sofa, I moved round the desk and sat in a chair waiting expectantly for what I was sure would be a good story.

Eva smirked over at me and folded her hands in her lap, "Well red head's name was, or is, Kerry and Kerry is a psycho." I burst out laughing and Eva looked at me all offended, "hey, don't laugh I'm serious! This girl was like a demon. Spencer Isabel Carlin stop laughing at me right now!" I bit my lip and tried to hold in my laughter.

Once Eva was satisfied that I was no longer laughing at her she continued her story, "As I was saying Kerry was a psycho. For starters she totally tried to U-haul me, then she tried to get in my car with muddy shoes, I mean who does that?! Seriously! Oh and get this, she knitted me a sweater and tried to give it to me at a club on our second date! Oh but the kicker, she totally sat on the hood of my car and the stud on her jeans scratched the fucking paint. See the girl is a psycho!" Eva concluded with a determined nod.

I bit my lip harder and my body shook as I tried to hold in my laughter. I lasted about ten seconds before I lost it and burst out laughing loudly. Eva pouted at me and then rolled her eyes before she burst out laughing too. We both laughed until we had tears in our eyes and Hilary, our receptionist came to let us know Eva's 10am meeting had arrived.

I smiled as Eva climbed to her feet and said, "So 1pm, we meet to discuss the movie? I have someone coming I want you to meet."

"Hmm is she hot?" Eva asked…she was not trying to be funny.

I chuckled, "Nope _he's_ not what I'm attracted to, but yeah he's a looker. I met him the other night and we got to talking, he's a designer and has offered to be the costume designer on the film for free as long he can use some of his own designs and get credited for it."

Eva grinned, "Awesome! Well I'll catch you later then my Sweet." Eva kissed my cheek before heading out.

The guy I was talking to her about was, of course, Harrison who I had met when Ashley and I were out for our two month anniversary. Harrison had called me the day after Ashley and I had broken up and I told him everything. He had seen the pictures in the news and had called to see if I was alright. Over the last few days we'd talked every day and he was fast becoming one of my favourite people.

I had told him about the movie and he was so eager to help he offered to be my assistant. When I told him I was looking for a costume designer he had squealed and then told me he'd do it all for free. It was an offer I could not refuse, literally, the entire budget for this film was coming out of my pocket and the company.

I worked hard in my office all morning, editing some work, scheduling some shoots. We weren't taking on as much work as normal, given that we were about to commit a whole lot of time and resources to the film, but we did need to keep working so we could do fun things like pay bills and eat.

At 12.30 I heard a voice call from my doorway, "Please tell me you plan to stop for lunch at _some_ point Sweet Pea?!"

I glanced up from my computer and grinned at Harrison. I chuckled, "Yeah Harry I'll grab something in a minute, but for now you come here and give me a hug!"

Harrison giggled and crossed the room to sweep me up in his muscular arms. Harrison was toned, if I was into the whole penis thing I would be sad that he batted for the all boys team. He was kind of beautiful. He had wavy dark blonde hair that flopped down over his blue-grey eyes. His skin was perfectly tanned and I had to remind myself to ask him what skin care products her used, coz man was his skin perfect.

As he set me back down on the ground he tilted his head and asked softly, "So how are you Sweet Pea? You doing ok?"

I led him over to my sofa and we sat down. I sighed tiredly, "I'm alright. I'm just so tired of missing her, you know? It's like this ache in my chest that I can't make go away. I am trying to keep busy you know, so I don't think about it too much."

Harrison smiled kindly and wrapped an arm around my shoulders to pull me close. It was strange how at ease I felt around him already. He kissed the top of my head and said softly, "Darlin, the way you feel is perfectly understandable. I remember when me and my Max broke up, I honestly thought I would never be ok again. I hated the way my heart literally ached for him, even though I knew ending that relationship was the right thing to do."

I smiled sadly and looked up into his blue-grey eyes that were filled with infinite understanding and nodded, "Yeah? I just hope breaking up with her was the right thing for me. I miss her, God I miss her. I wish things could be different."

"I know you do Sweet Pea, and maybe in time they will be. As they say the right thing is very rarely the easy thing. Ashley is scared Darlin, she is going to wake up from all that fear one day and figure out that what she has been scared off is not as horrible as life without you. When that day comes you will have a choice Love, you can either take her back or not. I just want you to know that just because things didn't work out now, doesn't mean they won't down the track," Harrison said softly.

"He's right you know," I spun around and found Eva standing in my doorway with a kind smile on her face, "Some things are inevitable and I think that you and Ashley just might be. Give her time, she'll pull her head out and figure it out."

I sighed and shrugged, "I just wish she didn't _have_ to figure it out you know, I just wish she _knew_ that she wanted to be with me. It's ridiculous but I almost feel like I'm nothing without her." I sniffed and blinked back tears.

Eva moved from the door way and took a seat beside me, "Spence, you know that's not true. You are not nothing. You are strong, beautiful, kind, compassionate and talented. I know you're hurting and that you miss her but it will be alright, everything will work out in the end."

"You think so?" I asked in a small, disbelieving voice.

Harrison and Eva answered at the same time, "I know so."

I giggled at them and figured it was time for proper introductions, "Evie, this is Harrison our costume designer for the film and my new friend. Harrison, this is Eva, my best friend and business partner."

"Eva it's a pleasure, I have heard so much about you!" Harrison gushed before leaning over me to kiss her on the cheek.

Eva raised an eyebrow at me, "So should I be scared of what Miss Carlin here shared with you Harrison?"

Harrison chuckled, "Not at all Darlin, she said only good things I promise!"

Eva grinned, "Well in that case, it's a pleasure to meet you too and would you like to know some embarrassing things about Spencer?!" Harrison's eyes lit up with excitement, so I stepped in before Eva let the skeletons out of my closet.

"Ah no you don't!" I scolded before joining in with their giggles.

We sat around chatting for a while and then it was time for my big production meeting. The meeting went so well I was suspiciously waiting for something to go ass up. Things for this movie were going too smoothly. I voiced my thoughts to Eva and Harrison after the meeting while we sat chatting in my office and they both laughed at me.

"Honey, that is ridiculous. Everything is going so well because of all the hard work and planning that you are putting into this. Everyone knows that the ladies of Worlds Away Productions are a force to be reckoned with," Harrison said with a dazzling smile.

"Ah yes speaking of the ladies of this little production company, I got a call before. Spencer when were you going to tell us that you were nominated for a LALA award?" Eva asked with a sly smile. (a/n: LALA stands for L.A. Lesbian Alliance, which I totally made up).

I blushed and glanced down at my feet, "Um I kind of forgot until I saw the invite in my mail yesterday. The awards ceremony is tonight and I can bring some guests. I really don't want to go alone."

"Say no more Sweet Pea, we will accompany you. How many guests can you bring, out of curiosity?" Harrison asked with a thoughtful expression on his face.

"Um well Eva and I each get a plus one," I replied.

"Perfect, I have a little lady I want you to meet. She is a big fan and I was telling her about your movie and she would love to help, she's a music major from UCLA and might I say the most talented unsigned singer you will ever meet. So can I call my girl and bring her along, it would mean so much to her?" Harrison asked with a puppy dog pout, one I was powerless against.

"Sure call her. Tell her to meet us at my place at 6 and we'll all go together, I'll order a car." I said with a grin. Harrison squealed his thanks and pulled me into a big hug (whispering in my ear that Eva and his friend would be perfect for each other) before running out of the room to sort out his wardrobe, he ran back in five seconds later and dragged us with him.

We spent the next hour at his studio trying on his gowns. It would be great publicity for both Harrison and the movie.

Once we were finally ready we went to my pace, where we met Harrison's young friend.

"Oh Tilly Darlin, you made it!" Harrison gushed as he pulled the woman into his arms. Tilly was about 5'6 with glossy black hair that hung to her shoulders and a fringe that was swept to the side so that it fell over her left eye. She had piercing storm cloud grey eyes and a willowy figure.

"Hi Harry, I was so excited when you called I just had to be here," Tilly said in a rich smoky voice. She turned to smile warmly at Eva and I. I think Eva was literally drooling on my floor, I was tempted to get her a bib.

"Oh how rude of me! Spencer, Eva, this is Tilly Kline, Til this is Spencer Carlin and Eva Reynolds," Harrison introduced us while keeping an arm firmly around Tilly's waist. We chatted for a bit and then headed off to the awards ceremony.

The whole way I couldn't help but wish Ashley was by my side.


	24. Broken Is A Beautiful Sound

**As always, thank you for reviewing.**

Darkangeleyes23 – Well thanks, that's always nice to hear

LoveAsh87, hugbuddy13, sonfan92, no1spacecadet – Thanks for reviewing

2bz2breading – I'm glad you liked the update. Spencer is strong so I couldn't let her wallow for long. Thank you for the grammatical tips, I'll take them under advisement for next time.

ebonyedlove – I think I would get lynched if I got Spencer and Tilly together.

slushhy – Yep you are right, what ever doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. Spencer is tough. Yeah I think I would be rather unpopular if I made Spencer and Tilly get together.

ilovemyself26 – This chapter will show you what happens when Ashley sees Tilly with Spencer. The next few chapters will show what happens with Ashley's career after the 'scandal'. Thanks.

mutt009 – Spencer is lucky to have such a good support network and she's a tough cookie

Palexpbsessed – I love Eva and Harrison too, I want them as my BFFs! I hadn't really thought about it, Harrison could be southern. I just think Darlin' is cute lol. It's funny you mention Breakeven, I was listening to it while I wrote chapter 23, no joke. Thanks for the song recommendation, I'll have a listen. Thank you, glad you liked the chapter, Spencer is strong and even though this is hard for her she won't crumble

uluvme – Yep Spencer focusing on work is much healthier than a focus on booze. Tilly and Evie just might work, we'll see. Harry is the bringer of all things good lol

EscapeYourFate – Thank you! I'm glad this story makes you feel right along with the characters, thanks again.

DarceLynn – Hehe, Harrison is much loved. I think Spencer is a strong character so I wanted to depict that.

IaMaFaLlEnDaRkAnGeL – Thank you, glad you like it. Ah yes I love the Spill Canvas too

shayer – You're right, Spencer is a stronger person and has the support network, while Ashley doesn't. I think both are hurting and that it is hard on them both. When Ashley is ready it will be up to Spencer (or really me hehe) to figure out if she can forgive her. Eva is protective of Spencer, but knows that Ashley is hurting too. Thanks for the review!

**Usual disclaimer, SoN not mine, but Eva, Harrison and Tilly are!**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Twenty-Four – ****Broken Is A Beautiful Sound**

Ashley's POV

My life has been hell, pure unadulterated hell since Spencer and I broke up, and yes I am fully aware that it is my own stupid fault. In public I had to paint on this happy face, the face of someone in a new and exciting relationship, someone whose music career was starting to skyrocket. It was all so hard, so fake. I was so sick of pretending to be fine when inside I was screaming and clawing at my skin, furious at myself for letting her slip away.

When in the public eye I played my part, I wore my designer clothes and had my hair and make up perfectly done. In private I moped around in sweats and a hoodie of Spencer's that she had left at my place. It still smelt like her and was one of the few things that gave me any comfort. I ate a shit load of cookie dough and even, embarrassingly, did a few performances of Celine Dion songs in my living room.

I was a mess of confusion, I wanted Spencer so badly. I loved her more than I thought possible, but I also wanted my musical career. I was desperate to find a way to have both without hurting Spencer anymore than I already had. I could never ask her to sneak around again, she was right our love deserved more than that, she deserved more than being my secret mistress.

I was going through the motions, walking through everything in a daze. It had been three days since I'd seen her, three days since I'd held her in my arms, heard her voice, smelt her alluring scent. I missed her in the worst way. It was a dull, constant pain that I could find no relief from. I was throwing myself into my music, hoping to find a way to be without her, if that is even possible.

I let Ethan and Pat send me off to all these interviews, movie premiers, club openings, pretty much anywhere that meant I was likely to be photographed. All these little social excursions involved Aiden on my arm. He was an old friend, we had dated in high school and broken up when I realised that I was gay. This whole set up was a mutually beneficial one, neither of us had feelings for each other aside from friendship, but our respective publicists thought it was a good idea for us to be all coupled up. Good publicity or some shit like that.

I hated it. Every second I was with Aiden just reminded me that I wasn't with Spencer. The thing is, he didn't even know about her. He just knew her as the director who made my music video, when in reality she was so much more than that. I had literally hidden the best thing in my life from everyone and that hurt.

The worst thing about all this was that I had no one to talk to. The only person in my life who knew the reality of my feelings for Spencer was Ethan and he was so not the person to talk to about this. In fact he hadn't looked me in the eyes once since the day the scandal broke. Not that I wanted him to, I was kinda mad at him for hitting on my girl and then making it so difficult for me and her to be together.

Ethan and Pat had worked a miracle and now the scandal was all but gone. There were still some rumours and digs going around but for the most part people had believed the bullshit they had spun, eating it up like it was candy. It made me sick. How could anyone look at the photos taken of me and Spencer and then the photos taken of me and Aiden and not see who I was in love with? It was amazing to me how people were able to ignore what was right in front of their faces and go along with the version that was more socially acceptable.

A big part of me kind of wished that I had never let Ethan and Pat lie to the world. I kept thinking that maybe it all would have been ok had I just let the world see who I really am, but then the fear would sink in and I would be terrified of what my coming out would mean for my career. I was constantly questioning everything. It was exhausting, missing Spencer was exhausting.

I don't know, I could hardly figure out what it was I wanted, what I felt. All I knew was that I was miserable and lost without her. There were so many things I didn't say to her, so many things I should have said, that I wished I had been strong enough to say.

With that thought in my mind I grabbed my guitar, a note pad and a pencil. I sat down on my sofa and began to write. Thinking of Spencer made me want to express how I felt and music was the only way I knew how. It's not like I had the courage to say any of this to her face.

I stayed locked in my apartment for two days solid. I ignored my phone, email and even the time Ethan came banging on my door, shouting threats and abuse through the thick wood. I blew off interviews and appearances without explanation. I fell off the radar. I survived on a diet of red vines, coke and Doritos, not the healthiest combo I know, but I needed some serious comfort food and the sugar high helped with the song writing. In the time I locked myself away I finished writing my album, a feat I hadn't been able to accomplish before. My album was a letter to her, to my love. It was all I didn't say to her.

I was just jotting down the last few notes on the last new song for my album when I heard a key rattle in my door. Only one person had a key to my place and she should be in Cambodia building houses with Habitat for Humanity. I stepped out of my little music room and wandered into my living room in time to see the door thrown open and my little sister, Kyla stride into the apartment.

"Ky! What the hell are you doing here?" I asked as she dropped her bags and swept off her sunglasses.

"Is that anyway to greet your baby sister Ashley Christine Davies? How about you try that again?" Kyla said with a tiny smirk and a raised eyebrow.

I rolled my eyes and walked over to give her a hug, "I'm happy to see you Ky, I'm just surprised. I wasn't expecting you back in Lala land for like another month."

"Well that was the plan, but Ethan called me and told me you'd gone crazy and were locked in your apartment. He's worried about you. He emailed me some interesting media articles about you and a hot blonde. He told me about Spencer Ash and I had to come home and see how you were doing so I caught the first plan home," Kyla said softly while dragging me over to the sofa so we could sit. "So how are you doing Ashley?"

I sighed tiredly, "how am I doing? Well I don't really have an answer for that Ky, how I'm feeling changes from minute to minute. The only constant is the fact that I miss her so much. I fell in love with her Ky, I never meant to." I swallowed hard as tears came to my eyes.

"Oh Ash, why did you let them talk you into closeting yourself again? Why would you put yourself through that? You were out to the family and close friends and no one cared, what made you think it would matter to the world?" Kyla asked as she shook her head. She had argued with me a lot when I told her the conditions of my record deal with Marks Records. She told me I should have just produced the album myself. Maybe she was right.

"I did what I had to do in order to get where I am!" I snapped, already starting to get defensive.

Kyla shook her head sadly and put her hand on my leg, "Was it worth it Ash?"

I went to speak and then snapped my mouth closed. I had no answer to that. I stood up and walked over to the window, imagining that I was at Spencer's staring out the large window in her bedroom that over looked the beach. How I wished that's where I was right now, with my blonde goddess in my arms.

I felt Kyla move to stand beside me. "I'm sorry Ashley, I didn't mean to just walk in here and attack you I just hate that you are going through this. Ethan told me about Spencer, sounds like he has a crush on her just FYI, and she sounds incredible. Are you sure your career is worth losing her?"

I shrugged and let the tears start to fall, "I don't know, I'm so confused Ky. Sometimes all I can think about is throwing it all in and begging her to take me back and then I think how unhappy I would be without my music. I love her, I am so in love with her, but I can't be the person she wants me to be right now. We just needed different things and I was hurting her so badly."

Kyla pulled me into her arms and held me close. Four hours, a tub of ice cream and a box of tissues later I had told Kyla everything, from my first meeting with the blonde to the heart wrenching moment when I realised she was going to leave me and I had to watch her walk away. I told her about my fears, my insecurities, my weaknesses that kept us from being happy like we should have been. I told her how much I loved the blonde director and how incomplete my life felt without her.

By the end of my story Kyla was crying too. We sat up into the night, talking and trying to figure it all out. It kept coming back to the impasse me and Spencer had been unable to bridge, I wasn't ready to be out and Spencer couldn't hide any more. Despite the fact we couldn't find a solution it felt incredible to actually talk to someone about all this, I had needed to talk so badly.

I played some of the songs I had written for the album and had Kyla in tears again. "Wow Ashley, if I had someone write songs like that about me then I would probably just melt. She will be so touched to hear them. Do me a favour though, make sure you send her a copy of the album before it's launched, don't make her have to search it out. Send it to her so she knows you have been thinking of her."

I nodded and gave her a hug. I would definitely be taking her advice on that one.

The next day Kyla and I went into Marks Records and had to endure a half an hour long lecture from Ethan about me taking my career seriously and never going AWOL like that again. I rolled my eyes and handed him the sheet music with the lyrics and music I had written, "Here's the album Ethan."

He stared at me for a moment before looking down at the sheets and devouring the words quickly. As he read the songs his mouth turned up in a tight smile. I could practically hear the thoughts in his head. He had to know the songs were all about Spencer and that wouldn't thrill him considering how he felt about her, but on the other hand he would recognise that they were good songs that would probably sell records.

Finally after a long silence Ethan looked up at me and smiled thinly, "we'll get you in the studio tomorrow morning to record these, do a week or so work on them and then launch the album in a fortnight or so, I'm getting pressure to get this out there so we have to work hard. No more disappearing for days at a time Ashley, not if you really want this."

I nodded and flashed him a cold smile, "yes I want this Ethan, it's not like I have anything else." The look in my eyes told him clearly not to fuck with me, that I was angry at him for being part of the reason I lost the girl I love.

Ethan nodded briskly and made some excuse to leave, after ordering me into the studio at 9am the following morning. It was sad really, Ethan and I used to be friends and now I couldn't stand the sight of him and he kept looking at me like the person who stole his girl, not that he _ever_ had a chance with Spencer Carlin. If he thought he did then he really had to look up the definition of lesbian.

I ran out of the room after him and grabbed his arm, Ethan spun around to face me with a neutral look on his face. I cleared my throat and said, "I uh, I just wanted to thank you for calling Kyla. I really needed her and I'm grateful to you for getting her here."

Ethan flashed me a small smile and nodded, "Well despite the tension and everything between us at the moment, I do care about you Ashley. Plus I was scared that if someone didn't get your crazy ass out of your apartment then I'd have to don a wig and pretend to be you so my Dad didn't flip out."

I chuckled a little and gave him a smile. He had been being a douche bag, but for a second there I got to see the man I used to be tight with. Ethan smiled again and walked off. I heard Kyla behind me and turned to smile at her.

Kyla and I headed out of the office and down to my car, I was thrilled that my album was going to get done and then released so quickly, it meant so much to me, but it kind of felt hollow. That's when it hit me, without Spencer nothing good was ever going to be as good as it should be. Life without Spencer Carlin was like seeing the world through a dirty window, everything was dull and muted.

I turned to find Kyla grinning at me expectantly, "So you want me to help you figure out how to get your girl back don't you?" she asked.

I bit my lip and murmured, "In my contract with the label it states that I have to keep my sexuality a secret until the album is released. Yeah they actually put it in the contract. I guess that means there is nothing I can do until the album is done and out there."

"Maybe that's true. I do have to ask though, are you ready for this? I mean if you get her back are you going to come out, and be out. You can't get her back only to make her hide again, that's not fair and will break her heart, if it's not already broken now," Kyla said with a slight frown.

I fell silent and climbed in my car. I honestly didn't have an answer for her. I wanted to be ready, I wanted to be able to go running into the streets and scream at the top of my lungs that I love Spencer Carlin and she loves me too. I was just so frightened. What if I did that and it ruined the career I had worked so hard to build? What if the fans I'd found turned on me? What if the world hated me just for being who I am?

I sighed and started the car, Kyla remained silent. I could tell she was giving me time to think, but also that she was kind of disappointed in me. She had heard about when I'd come out to the family, she'd seen how strong my convictions were in the face of a mother who would never understand and now she had to watch me lie about who I was and lose a woman who I loved completely.

I could tell none of this made sense to my little sister, truthfully it didn't entirely make sense to me either. I couldn't figure out my thoughts, I couldn't make the mess in my head make sense. I love her, God knows I love her, but…shit I don't even know what to think anymore.

A few hours later and Kyla and I were lounging on my sofa in front of the T.V. in our sweats…yes I was wearing Spencer's hoodie again, although it was now starting to smell more like me than her which made me want to cry. It also made me consider, for like only a second or two, sneaking over to her house and 'borrowing' another piece of her clothing while she was at work.

I know, that would be a little desperate stalker of me…I said I was just _considering _it. It's not like I had a plan…or a stealthy all black outfit picked out.

Anyway, we were sitting there watching T.V. and Kyla was grilling me about Spencer. I told her everything, I think more than she wanted to know, if her freaked out looks of disgust were anything to go by. I guess telling her graphic details of our night together in the hotel wasn't what Kyla wanted to hear. It made me wish I was talking to Eva, she would love to hear those details.

"So you've told me all about Spencer, but you didn't tell me what she looks like," Kyla pointed out. It reminded me that I didn't even have a picture of Spencer. I had been so paranoid of the photos ever getting out I hadn't even taken photos of my girl myself. I was a dumbass, as I'm sure you all know.

I flicked randomly through the channels and stopped on what looked like an awards show, call me girly but I kinda likes watching the red carpet part of award shows…and then seeing the after party photos in the tabloids and seeing how trashy they all end up looking.

"Are you asking me what she looks like?" I asked softly, a picture of my blue eyed, blonde always at the forefront of my mind.

"Yeah I am, so tell me what does the lovely Spencer Carlin look like?" Kyla asked with a little smile.

I was about to respond when an image on the T.V. screen caught my attention. I opened and closed my mouth a few times before pointing to the screen and murmuring, "Like that."

Kyla's eyes snapped to the screen as she took in the blonde. "Wow, she's stunning! I might even switch teams for her!" Kyla said breathily. I was too enthralled with the blonde to even notice Kyla's comment. God Spencer looked magnificent. She was smiling warmly, although anyone who knew her could tell that her million dollar grin didn't quite reach her eyes, as she walked down the red carpet with Eva, Harrison who we had met when we were out for out two month anniversary, and some black haired girl I didn't recognise.

"Who are the people with her?" Kyla asked.

I cleared my throat and muttered, "Little blonde is her best friend and business partner Eva, the guy is Harrison a new friend and the other woman? Well I have no idea."

I locked my eyes back on the vision on the screen. Spencer was wearing a floor length gown made of champagne coloured silk. The dress was strapless, cut fairly low at the front and extremely low at the back. The dress was fitted to her waist, where it flowed out in lose panels of silk that fluttered with every step, making Spencer look angelic. There was a wide black sash around Spencer waist that just highlighted her curves. Her long blonde hair was piled up on her head with a few lose curling tendrils resting on her neck. Her skin looked tanned and smooth.

I watched with my heart aching in my chest as Spencer wrapped an arm around the black haired girl, who looked a little overwhelmed by all the attention. A reporter called Spencer over and she stepped closer to the camera with a kind smile.

"Hey Spencer, you look wonderful tonight, who are you wearing?" The reporter asked.

"Well I am wearing a dress designed by my good friend, and the costume designer on my newest production, Harrison Devon who is right over there," Spencer smiled over at Harrison before blowing him a kiss which he returned. The black haired woman stepped closer to Spencer as a man in tux brushed by her. I swallowed hard and prayed that there was an explanation, one that didn't involve Spencer already dating again. I think that would actually kill me.

"So Spencer, we've all seen the photos and heard the rumours, is there any truth behind the rumours that you and Ashley Davies are a couple?" The reporter asked.

In the background of the shot I saw Eva tense up and step closer to Spencer protectively at the same time Harrison did. Spencer's jaw tensed for a fraction of a second before she smiled and shook her head, "No truth to those rumours at all. Ashley and I became friends while working on her video. I've even had the privilege of meeting her boyfriend, Aiden Dennison, several times. Ashley and I are friends, that's all. Come on Terry, you know it's entirely possible for a lesbian to be friends with a straight girl!"

The reporter chuckled, "Very true. Ok so tonight you're up for…"

I drowned out the rest of what was said as my eyes drank in the blonde woman on the screen. I couldn't believe she had lied for me. I felt sick, I knew how hard that must have been for her. I hated that I was the reason that she was going against her principles. I guess it was just another reason why Spencer was better off without me.

I wasn't aware that I had started to cry until I felt Kyla's finger's gently wiping the tears from my cheeks as she whispered soothing words to comfort me. It was pointless. The only person who could comfort me was gone and I had only my fear and insecurities to blame.


	25. Light Bulb Moment

**Thank you reviewers and readers!**

sonfan92, LoveAsh87 – Thank you

hugbuddy13 – The girl with Spencer is Tilly who came into the story chapter 23

taymm15, momo0424, southnchuckfan44 – Ashley is living with the consequences of her actions, let's see what she does next. Glad you're liking the story

ebonyedlove – I agree, Ashley is stuck between two worlds struggling to find her way, let's hope she does

snowdrop1026 – firstly thanks for reviewing and sharing your thoughts. I agree with some of what you said. It's nice to get such a strong reaction

slushhy – I couldn't leave Ashley without some support. Whether she did the wrong thing or not she is still hurting a lot

shayer – LOL yep Ethan is still a wank. I wanted Kyla to be a voice of reason for Ashley while still being a support. Spencer would never drop Ashley in it, but it would be hard watching her lie for you, knowing how against it she is. LOL well maybe Ashley will have to go acquire some more of Spencer's clothes

uluvme – Aw thanks. I have always wanted to go and work over in Cambodia for a while so I sent Kyla there. Oh I agree, Spencer has suffered more and Ashley has made a lot of mistakes. It's not cold, I understand how you feel

2bz2breading – Thanks. Spencer is a class act, I always saw her that way. But it is true some of the blame lies with Spencer too.

mutt009 – Kyla is going to be a support and voice of reason for her older sister. Whether that has any impact will remain to be seen. Ashley has some work to do on herself

**Usual disclaimer, SoN not mine**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Twenty-Five – ****Light Bulb Moment**

Spencer's POV

I walked into a rather packed little bar the evening after the awards show and surveyed the room for familiar faces. Finding Eva and Harrison grinning at me from a table near the stage I made my way through the crowd and took a seat, after getting hugged within an inch of my life by Harrison.

"Hey Sweet Pea how you doing today?" Harrison asked with a look of deep concern on his handsome face. They had been the ones to have to console me (which was a little awkward for Tilly seeing as she had just met me) once we got inside the awards show and out of the camera view. I cried like a baby and then had to get all composed because I ended up winning an award. So it was a good and bad night.

I smiled thinly, "I'm holding in there. It kind of threw me for a loop when that reporter asked me about Ashley and the so called 'rumour'. I hated lying about us, but I guess that's all I can do for her right now." Yes I will confirm that I did use sarcastic finger quotes when I said rumour.

"Well I'd say that was understandable, it was kind of shitty of her to ambush you like that, but don't worry I sorted her out," Eva said with an evil grin.

I raised an eye brow suspiciously, "Hmm and what did you do Eva Evelyn Reynolds?"

"Well I ran into that little reporter after the awards show and we, uh we kinda hooked up and then I may have given her a fake number. She used you to get ratings for her shitty little show and I used her for…well you know," Eva said with a shit-eating grin.

I laughed and shook my head as Harrison looked at her in opened mouth shock, "Damn you lesbians can be such whores!"

"Oh really Harry? Didn't you end up hooking up with that waiter who kept brining you extra bread sticks at the awards dinner?" Eva threw back at him. I just laughed harder.

"Ok I think the lesson from all this is that it doesn't matter your sexual orientation, gender or whatever, you two are both big whores!" I choked out between chuckles, which they both soon joined in with.

We were still giggling when a familiar face walked up on stage. Tilly settled on a stool in front of the microphone and started strumming her green acoustic guitar, "Hey everyone, I'm just gonna play you a few songs if you don't mind."

Tilly looked over at us and smiled warmly, before winking at Eva. Eva blushed a violent red before taking a sip of her drink and choking on it. I shook my head as Harrison patted her on the back, it looked like there might be something between Tilly and Eva, if we could just get Eva to stop whoring around that is.

Tilly started singing and I sat up straighter in my seat. Damn she was good. She actually reminded me of Ashley a bit. They both shared a raw intensity that was often lacking from so many artists. You could feel every emotion they put into their music. Of course in my mind Tilly was no nearly as talented as my ex-girlfriend.

Tilly played a full set of a mixture of covers and original songs and left the stage to an enthusiastic standing ovation. She headed back stage and about fifteen minutes later joined us at our table, still beaming on her high from performing.

"Til that was amazing, Darlin you were amazing! I bet all the ladies in here want a piece of you," Harrison gushed and Eva flashed him a glare at his last statement.

I nodded in agreement, "it truly was Tilly, how the hell have you not been signed yet?"

Tilly blushed and bit her lip nervously, "I guess it just hasn't happened for me."

I nodded and then an idea hit me, it was literally like one of those moments in a cartoon where a light bulb appears over someone's head. I started to smile, which turned into a huge, goofy beaming smile, which in turn made everyone look at me like I was on crack.

"Spence are you on crack or something?" Eva asked. See I told you they all thought I was a crack head.

"Nope I'm not, but I did just have a brilliant idea! An amazingly brilliant, stupendous idea," I announced with a Cheshire cat grin on my face.

They all looked at me intrigued and Harrison smirked as he said, "Stupendous?! Hmm do tell Miss Carlin."

I turned so that I was facing Tilly, "Well I think I could help you. I want to help you get your music out there." I grinned at the shocked expression on her face and continued, "No I am not kidding and yes I really do think I can help you. I have quite a few contacts in the industry who I think could really help us make this happen. Oh and to answer your other unasked question, why am I doing this? Well I am doing this for a few reasons. One, you are extremely talented and I think it is a crime that the world isn't privy to that. Two, the world needs more talented lesbians out there in the public eye and three, very selfishly I want to ask you if you would consider recording a few songs to be used in the movie we're making."

I leaned back in my seat with a self-satisfied grin. Yep I was too skilled, I had come up with that entire plan in literally thirty seconds. I know, I know…you all want to be me. Ok so I'm kidding, but I bet you're impressed with my quick thinking ability.

Tilly looked around the table at each of us, I guess waiting for one of us to yell 'gotcha!' It wasn't going to happen. Eva smirked at her and nodded, clearly mulling it over in her head and liking the idea. Harrison was grinning like he'd just scored VIP tickets to a Beyonce concert and nodding enthusiastically.

"So what do you think? I mean you don't have to give me a definite answer now, I just want to know if this is something you might be interested in?" I asked gently. I didn't want to freak the poor girl out.

Tilly looked around at the expectant faces and laughed, "You honestly think I would be dumb enough to turn down the opportunity of a lifetime? Spencer you have yourself a deal. I'd be honoured to record some songs for the movie and any help you could give me would be so amazing! God this is like a dream come true!"

Tilly jumped out of her chair and ran around the table to give me a huge hug as she laughed and cried all at the same time. I grinned at Eva and Harrison over her shoulder and they both gave me cheesy grins and two thumbs up…so with two of them there was actually four thumbs up…but you got that right?

Once Tilly had released me and then hugged the life out of Harrison and Eva we sat down and talked business. It was decided that Tilly would come to the office the next day and we would discuss everything in details. The rest of the night was spent celebrating and toasting to Tilly's career.

I felt good, not great. I wouldn't be great again for a while, but I felt good. I knew that I was doing a good thing for Tilly and if I was honest it was also my way of showing Ashley that a talented musician could totally have a career as an out and proud lesbian. Of course I wasn't admitting that particular reason to myself.

I was sitting at my desk with Eva and an old friend of mine, Kyle, opposite me the next morning when Tilly came in with her guitar case in her hand. She glanced around the room and caught my eye as I grinned at her.

"Hello Tilly, welcome. I want to introduce you to Kyle Schultz. Kyle this is the singer I was telling you, Tilly. Kyle is a manager friend of mine and he is interested in helping us out, you feel like giving us a little song?" I asked with a sly smile.

Tilly beamed and nodded, "Yeah it would be my pleasure! It's nice to meet you Mr. Schultz."

Kyle stood up and reached out to shake her hand, "the pleasure is all mine Tilly. I trust Spencer and Eva's judgement so if they say your good then I believe them. Oh and call my Kyle, Mr. Schultz is my father and honey, we hate that bastard!" we all laughed and Tilly pulled out her guitar and sat down on a chair across from my desk.

Tilly looked shyly around at us, I nodded encouragingly and she started to strum her guitar. She started to sing an original song and I literally had tears in my eyes as it resonated strongly with me.

"I stop to catch my breath  
And I stop to catch your eye  
No need to second-guess  
That you've been on my mind  
Well I, I dream days away, but that's OK

It's like I want to hear a silent sound  
And then hold it in my hand  
But a rose won't blossom from a ground  
Of desert sand, but I like to pretend that

One day I'll turn around, I'll see your hand reach out  
I'm only fooling myself, oh  
But maybe when you smile  
It means you'd stay awhile  
Just maybe you'd save me now"

I let a few discreet tears run down my cheeks as the lyrics hit me bang on in the chest. They hit home that was for sure. It was like she had reached into my heart and found the lyrics there. It was excruciatingly beautiful.

"Well, now it's etched in stone  
That I can't survive alone  
You have the missing piece  
That I need so desperately  
Yes, I slip away to a day that'll never come

It's like a splash of water to my face  
When I suddenly realize  
That you could never find a place  
For me in your eyes, and I don't know why I keep thinking

One day I'll turn around, I'll see your hand reach out  
I'm only fooling myself, oh  
But maybe when you smile  
It means you'd stay awhile  
Just maybe you'd save me now

It's love in disguise  
I'm lost in your eyes  
Lost in your eyes

One day I'll turn around, I'll see your hand reach out  
I'm only fooling myself, oh  
But maybe when you smile  
It means you'd stay awhile  
Just maybe you'd save me now"

We all applauded madly as she finished the song. I jumped to my feet and as soon as Tilly saw my damp cheeks she dropped her guitar onto the sofa and pulled me into an embrace. It was an embrace that said she knew exactly what my pain was, that she understood and had felt the same.

We pulled back and share a look of pure understanding, we recognized the pain we were feeling in each other. I smiled at her sadly and we turned back to the others.

"Well Tilly if that is what you sound like live, acoustic and unprepared I can't wait to see what you can do when we get you in the studio. You interested? If you are I can have you in a recording studio tomorrow to lay down a demo. What do you say?" Kyle said with a warm grin.

Tilly looked at me and I nodded my encouragement. She looked at Eva who did the same and then turned to Kyle, "Oh wow this is all happening so fast, but I'd say I'm in! This is amazing, thank you all so much!"

Eva smirked coyly at the black haired girl and purred, "It's our pleasure."

I rolled my eyes and laughed softly, Eva was a serial womanizer. I had an odd feeling that Tilly could hold her own against my crazy best friend. There was definitely something there.

We discussed a few more details and Kyle made a few calls. Before you knew it Tilly had a manager and a session lined up in a recording studio to lay down her demo. I was also kicking in the songs that I had written for the film. Tilly had offered to take them away and work on them over night to get it right before recording them at the studio.

After the meeting everyone left and I sagged down on my couch, exhausted. I had found that since I walked away from Ashley everything seemed that much more exhausting and took that much more effort. I blamed it on how much I missed my brunette rock star.

I was sitting in my now dark office when I heard a tentative knock on the door. I looked up and found Tilly smiling gently at me, "Hey Spencer, you alright?" she asked leaning against the door frame.

I shrugged and patted the sofa beside me. Tilly stepped over the threshold and took a seat. We sat in a comfortable silence for a little while and then she turned to me and said, "Eva gave me the songs you wrote for the movie. They're beautiful Spencer, heartbreaking, moving and full of anguish. After seeing that and then seeing how you reacted to my song earlier I wanted ask if you were ok? Look I know we don't really know each other, but if you want to talk I'm here."

I sighed and ran a hand through my long blonde hair, "thanks. I wrote those songs a few days after I broke up with my girlfriend. I was seeing someone for a while, just on two months, and she wasn't ready to be out. It caused a lot of tension and ultimately we just couldn't work anymore. I couldn't keep compromising my feelings and principles and she just wasn't ready to be out. Your song kinda hit a nerve, it was like you were looking into my heart and seeing my experience."

Tilly smiled softly, "That song was written the day I broke up with my last girlfriend, Lacey. I just couldn't keep pretending that she loved me. I couldn't keep waiting for her to love me the way I loved her," Tilly paused and looked over at me with an expression of the utmost seriousness, "Did you love her?"

I looked down at my hands and then back up at her. I smiled sadly and replied, "More than I have ever loved anyone. I thought she was it, you know, the one. I guess we just wanted and needed different things." I swallowed around the lump in my throat and blinked back fresh tears. God when would I have cried enough?

Tilly gave my hand a squeeze and then asked tentatively, "I don't mean to pry, and feel free not to answer this, but was the girl Ashley Davies?"

I let out a gasp and buried my face in my hands, I hadn't meant to disclose that particular information. It was bad enough that I had told Harrison and Eva. I felt a hand on my back and heard Tilly say, "It's ok Spencer, I won't tell anyone. I just kind of put two and two together. The timing of your heartbreak, the way you broke down at the awards show after that reporter asked about her and the release of those photos, it just all makes sense."

I raised my eyes to look at her and smiled tiredly, "Yeah I guess it does. It is Ashley. I fell in love with her the moment I met her and for two months I got to call her mine, behind closed doors of course. I just couldn't do it anymore. The catalyst was the morning those fucking paparazzi pictures got released. She said some things, some really hurtful things and that's when I knew I had to end it. We couldn't go on the way we were or we would have ended up hating each other and I love her too much to let that happen. Please don't tell anyone, that's the one thing I can do for her now, make sure this scandal stays dead."

Tilly smiled hesitantly before saying, "Spencer the rumour isn't as dead as you, and probably her management think."

I frowned and asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well there is a group of people who firmly do not believe the rumour, hell there is even a website dedicated to you two," Tilly explained, watching me closely to gage my reaction.

"Well shit," I muttered as I sagged back into the sofa.

"Yeah they're calling you Spashley and the website's message board is filled with people putting forth their ideas and theories about the two of you. None of it is negative really, a few people are calling Ashley a coward and some other not so nice things for hiding, but most understand and the consensus is that they love the two of you together. People are even posting that they are going to actively support Ashley's career so that she knows she has fans even if she does come out," Tilly said in a soft voice.

"Wow, I don't really know what to think about that. I'm kind of touched that people care enough to start a website and that they want us to be together. I just don't want this to impact Ashley's career, even though that is why I'm not with her, I don't want her to lose something she loves so much," I murmured as I ran a hand through my hair.

"Trust me it's not impacting her career in anyway that is negative. All this has given her huge visibility. Perez Hilton is certain she's a lesbian, and is promoting her as a closeted soon to be superstar. I was online earlier and her single sales are huge, the music video has gained more popularity on MTV since the pictures hit. This hasn't been a bad thing for her career, although I'd say her management have handled it badly in my layman's opinion," Tilly said thoughtfully.

"What do you mean?" I asked kind of stupidly, my head was trying to digest everything she'd just told me.

"Well what I mean is they so could have handled all this better. I can't see why Ashley has to be in the closet. In this day and age who gives a flying fuck who you're into?! I mean if they're worried that she won't be a sex symbol then they are crazy, lesbians are so hot right now!" Tilly exclaimed with a smirk.

I chuckled and shook my head, a grin finding its way over my features. "Ah I got you to smile, mission accomplished!" Tilly teased.

I got up from the sofa and strode over to my desk. I perched on the edge and smiled at her, "I don't know what's going on, I firmly believe there is more to Ashley staying in the closet than she'd letting on. I really miss her. Ashley was different from all the other girls. I never believed in love at first sight or any of that crap and then I met her and I fell hard. I never wanted to, I'm sure you saw or heard about my rather public breakup with Toni Hillard, well after that I was scared to open up again. I did though and now I'm just trying to exist without her."

Tilly got to her feet and stood in front of me, "I get it Spencer, I do. After Lacey and I broke up I questioned everything. I couldn't figure out how to be without her. I felt like I was nothing without her. It's been six months and I'm ok now, but it was hard. While playing your songs I related to them more than I expected. I feel so privileged to sing your songs and I was hoping we could collaborate on some other songs for my demo and maybe for the soundtrack, if you like?"

I beamed and nodded happily, "I would be honoured, thanks Tilly. I am just trying to stay busy you know."

"Yeah I do and I'm glad I can help with that, while taking advantage of your talent!" We both laughed and then settled down to work. Tilly handed me her sheet music and lyrics and I started to read through it. I was blown away, she was supremely talented. Her songs touched me, it was literally like I had written them. As lame as it sounds I felt like I'd found a kindred spirit in Tilly. She was like the little sister I'd never had.

Over some deliciously bad for us Chinese food and a few beers Tilly and I worked on her songs and a few I had in my head. We discussed the music for the movie and how I wanted it to help tell the story. Tilly was a fountain of ideas and before long we were laughing and chatting like old friends.

"So Miss Tilly, is it just me or have you been flirting with my best friend?" I asked teasingly.

Tilly giggled, "I have no idea what you mean Miss Carlin!" Upon seeing my raised eyebrows she rolled her eyes and continued, "Ok, ok so _maybe_ I flirted with Eva a little bit. I like her, she's not like most girls."

I threw back my head and laughed, "Oh you would be right there, Eva is definitely one of a kind. If you like her I think you should go for it, I see the way she looks at you and I know she likes you."

"Really? You think?"

I giggled, "Yes, now let's get back to work! Young people today have no work ethic!" Tilly rolled her eyes with a chuckle and picked up her pen.

We worked until almost midnight and then headed out to the car park. Tilly was going to get a cab, but I told her not to be a stupid shit and to let me give her a lift. Tilly responded by calling me a pushy old lady, which earned her a punch in the arm. I slung my arm around her shoulder and led her over to the car.

I was so grateful to her, and to Eva and Harrison. They were totally keeping me sane and stopping me from falling in a heap and crying like a baby, or going home and drinking vodka until I passed out.

"Hey Tilly, I just wanted to say thanks," I said as I tightened my hold on her shoulder.

"What are you thanking me for? I'm the one who owes you. Spencer you're helping me achieve my dreams and you're giving me a shot. You're putting a lot of faith in me so thank you," Tilly said leaning into me.

I laughed, "Well ok then, I guess we're both thankful. Come on, let's get you home. You have a big day tomorrow!"

I unlocked my car and opened the door for Tilly. As I walked around to the driver's side I looked up and saw a familiar black Porsche parked across the street. The dark tinted windows prevented me from seeing into the car but I knew it was her. Ashley. I climbed into my Jeep and sat rigidly still.

"Spencer, are you alright?" Tilly asked in concern.

I shook my head and continued staring at the little black car across the road. I felt a rush of emotions roar through me and I just wanted to run to her car and pull her into my arms.

I swallowed hard and pointed to the car, "That's Ashley's car."

Tilly snapped her eyes forward to look at the car in question, "Are you sure?"

I laughed a little, "Positive. I'd know that car anywhere. I need to get out of here." I stuck the key in and started the car. Tilly smiled understandingly at me and nodded.

I drove out of the car park, watching the little black sports car in my rear view mirror until I turned the corner and couldn't see it anymore. I sighed sadly and focused on the road.

Tilly sat silently, knowing that in the moment there was nothing she could say.

**Song used in this chapter**

**Only Fooling Myself by Kate Voegele**


	26. What I Didn't Say Part One

**Thank you wonderful reviewers**

Raissa92, kisses from italy – Thanks so much!

LoveAsh87, hugbuddy13 – Thanks for reviewing

DarceLynn, soulstealer247 – Glad you like Tilly, I think she adds a lot to the story

ebonyedlove – Yep Spencer is hurting and this chapter will reveal what Ashley felt when she saw Spencer and Tilly together

shayer - Wow you mind reader you hehe. Thanks for the review, I like to leave a little suspense in there. I'm so glad you're liking the story!

2bz2breading – Glad you loved the chapter. Spencer has an amazing support system, I wish I had them in my life! I get why you can't sympathize with Ashley, I feel differently but that's just me

somthgIlike2do – Thanks! I wanted there to be someone who could relate to Spencer's experience with Ashley, enter Tilly. This chapter will have Ashley's reaction to seeing them together.

mutt009 – Glad you like Tilly and Harrison. Tilly and the film are avenues for Spencer to cope, because she is suffering.

uluvme – Thanks, Spencer is proving a point and getting her work progressed, she's a practical one! Eva really will have to keep it in her pants if she wants Tilly. Ashley's 'stalking' has gotten varied reviews lol

Life-Live-Love-Learn – Kate Voegele is incredible. Glad you like Tilly, everyone seems too which is great. Ashley needs to sort her shit out. Thanks for the review

slushhy – Tilly is great, I like writing her and I think she is a necessary support for Spencer. Ashley's reaction is in this chapter.

**Usual disclaimer, SoN not mine…Eva, Tilly and Harrison are though!**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Twenty-Six – What I Didn't Say**** Part One**

Ashley's POV

I almost threw up as nerves over took me. I stared at the messenger guy standing in front of me, waiting impatiently for me to hand him the bulky envelop in my hot little hand. He looked about a minute away from either tackling me or leaving and just not doing the delivery.

In this envelop was my soul. It was a letter to my girl with a copy of my album. The album that said all the things I wanted to say to her, but couldn't. It was done. We had recorded it and produced it. The album was better than I had ever envisaged it could be, even Ethan liked it. I poured everything into it. I was scared to release it to the world, but even more scared to send it to the blonde woman who had inspired it.

I just knew that I wanted her to get the album from me, instead of hearing it on the radio or seeing it in the stores first. I owed her that much, as Kyla was constantly reminding me. Even after seeing her with her arm around that beautiful black haired girl, I wanted her to know how I felt. Even if Spencer had moved on, even if she never wanted to see me again I wanted her to know how much I care and how lost I am without her.

It had cut me like a knife as I sat in my car across from her office and watched her walk out with her arm around the younger woman, the same woman I had seen her with on the red carpet of the awards show. I don't even know why I was there, or why I was there so late. I had just gotten in the car and ended up in front of her office. I kind of wish I hadn't, I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. I couldn't believe that she had moved on so quickly.

After Spencer drove away with the other woman I started my car and drove home. I was crying so hard by the time I walked in. Kyla ran out and in between sobs and hiccups I got out what I had seen. As soon as I'd finished Kyla smacked me hard across the back of the head and called me an idiot.

She went on to say that I should have more faith in Spencer and how she felt about me. She told me that I was jumping to unfair conclusions that minimalised how much Spencer loved me. She reamed me out for like half an hour before she ran out of steam and sent me to bed, to in her words, "think about what I'd done."

So I did. I lay in bed all night thinking about Spencer and everything that had happened between us. I finally came to the conclusion that I loved her and trusted her. I trusted that she loved me enough not to jump head first into another relationship. I trusted that she was not fickle in her feelings for me.

I fell asleep with thoughts of her in my head and tears on my cheeks. God I missed her. After that I threw myself into the recording of the album. It was for her.

The actual recording of the album had gone smoothly, there were no issues or problems at all. Everything just flowed and suddenly it was done and due for release in a few days. The second we had finished my first instinct was to call Spencer, I even reached for the phone before I realised that she would probably hang up on me which I deserved

I sighed and reluctantly handed the package to the messenger. He glared at me before stomping off while stuffing the envelop into his bag. I leaned back against the wall and closed my eyes.

"You did the right thing Ash," I heard Kyla say from behind me. I just nodded and sagged to the floor. I was anxious to know what Spencer thought of the album. It was the most vulnerable I had ever let myself be with anyone and it was on an album that millions of people (hopefully) would soon hear. Of course the person I was most nervous to have listen to the album was Spencer. Hers was the only opinion that mattered a damn.

Spencer's POV

I was sitting in my office listening to Tilly's demo. It had turned out great, better than I had even imagined it would. I knew Tilly was talented, but this demo was beyond awesome. The producer friend of Kyle's had done a brilliant job. I had sent the demo to Ethan along with the songs I had gotten together for the soundtrack and presented him with a proposal.

I know you may be wondering why I would go to Ethan, well despite his ill advised crush on me he was a smart guy and a brilliant producer. He had always done right by me when it came to business and trusted my judgement. I hoped that despite everything that happened with Ashley, he and I could still have a successful working relationship. Plus I knew that Tilly was tough and sure of herself, she would never take the shit he gave to Ashley.

I had spoken to Ethan twice on the phone since the whole scandal broke. The first time he had basically called to confirm that I was not going to do anything to confirm the rumours. I assured him I wouldn't and then we chatted for a while. He even went so far to ask if I was doing alright since Ashley and I broke up. I wasn't 100% sure what to make of that.

I did not go into details, but I told him I was throwing myself into my work and focusing on making that a priority for me while I tired to heal. He was enthusiastic about that and offered to help in anyway he could. I had hoped that offer was real because I was banking on him helping me out with Tilly and the movie soundtrack, which leads me to my second phone conversation with Mr. Marks.

He had listened to the demo and looked at the music we already had for the film soundtrack and had called me to tell me he was in and wanted to set up a meeting. We were going in to see him in a week and a bit, he was busy until then (he didn't say why but I had heard through the grape vine that Ashley's album was being launched so I figured that would be taking up his time).

I was just listening to the last song on the demo when Eva walked in. "Hey gorgeous, how's everything going?" Eva asked with a grin.

I smiled back, "Yeah I'm alright today, everything is all ready for the rehearsals for the film to begin next week. Did you hear Tilly's demo yet?"

"I did and it's brilliant. You're doing a really good thing helping Tilly," Eva said as she leaned against my wall.

"It's totally selfish Evie, I'm keeping myself busy so that I don't have to think about Ashley all day. I need to keep busy or I'm going to drown. Plus Tilly is talented and the world should get to experience her music," I explained.

Eva looked thoughtful before she responded, "Spence, do you think you're helping Tilly to prove something to Ashley. I mean, Tilly is an out and proud lesbian, are you helping her to show Ashley that it is possible to be out and still be a success?"

I sighed and nodded slowly, "Yeah I think that's part of it. But more than that, I think Tilly is a role model for all closeted women out there. I think they need someone talented who is comfortable with her sexuality out in the public eye."

Eva nodded and walked over to my desk, "Well whatever your reason, you're doing a good thing. Here's your mail my lovely."

I smiled my thanks and took the stack of envelops. I shuffled through them and then froze in horror as a thick envelop fell onto my desk. I would know that handwriting anywhere.

"Spence! Spencer? What's wrong?" Eva asked in concern.

I licked my suddenly dry lips and murmured, "It's from Ashley. I would recognise her handwriting anywhere." I looked up at Eva and smiled sadly, "Um do you think you could give me a minute?"

Eva nodded and flashed me a look of infinite understanding, "Of course. I'll be in my office if you need me." Eva walked out and closed the door behind her.

I took a few deep breaths to try and steady my now racing heart beat. I was kind of scared my heart was going to pound right out of my chest. I picked up the envelop with shaky fingers and carefully slid it open. I pulled out a folded piece of paper and a CD. I turned the cover over and a breath-taking photo of Ashley covered the front. In the right hand corner her name was written in beautiful script and underneath it the name of the album in the same script but slightly smaller. _What I Didn't Say_, I read quietly to myself.

I placed the CD cover gently on my desk and picked up the folded paper. Opening it carefully I began to read,

_Dear Spencer,_

_I have wanted so badly to call you, to see you, but I just got scared. Which I guess probably isn't a big surprise to you. I got scared that you wouldn't want to see or hear from me. I guess that's why I ended up parked outside your office the other night. _

_I know you saw me and I am so sorry if I came across as a creepy stalker. I don't even know why I was there. I just got in my car and drove, ending up in front of your office. I think I just needed to see you._

_I have a lot of regrets in my life, the biggest one being what happened between you and I. I wish I had been ready to give you all you wanted and needed. I wish I could have been the woman you needed me to be, but I'm weak Spencer and I failed you._

_You were right, I was scared. It wasn't just the label keeping me in the closet, it was me and my fears. I want so badly to succeed with my music and I want so badly to be with you. I wish it didn't have to be either or, but right now it feels like it does and I can't see a way to fix that. I know you may not understand why I can't just come out, I know this is all confusing to you. i need to sort myself out before I can be any good to anyone._

_I miss you Spencer. Not a moment goes by where I'm not thinking about you and wishing I'd said all the things I didn't say or was too scared to say. I wish I had told you I was scared, I wish I had shared my fears and not just hidden behind the label. Maybe if I had been honest we'd be together right now and neither of us would be hurting they way we are._

_I love you and I can't help but question how the hell I screwed everything up so much. I know I hurt you and I wish I could take it all away, but I can't. _

_I finished my album and it's due to be released next week. I wanted you to have the first copy. This album says all the things I wish I had been able to say._

_I love you Spencer Isabel Carlin,_

_Always,_

_Ashley_

_xox_

I dropped the letter to the desk and let out a choked little sob. I wasn't sure what to feel. I glanced back down at the letter, which was splattered with tears that I knew weren't mine and felt her pain. I wasn't alone in this, Ashley was hurting too.

I took a few deep, shaky breaths before staggering to my feet and walking to the CD player to listen to her album. As I opened the case I felt the tears in my eyes spill down my cheeks. On the inside of the CD case Ashley had written in her familiar handwriting, _What I didn't say to the woman who deserved so much more. I love you, Ashley_

I flipped the case over and read the song list,

What I Didn't Say

Come On Get Higher

Common Ground

Poetically Pathetic

Lost

Tongue Tied

More Than A Love Song

Always

Bonus Tracks

Superhuman Touch (Acoustic cover)

Hold

I swallowed hard and put the CD in the stereo. I hit play and sat down on the sofa with the remote and the CD case as the first song started playing.

_Secrets told in the pictures on your skin  
Hours fade into days that never end  
I see myself reflected in your eyes  
And I hate the way I'm wearing all these lies_

So I let you go  
And I watch you leave  
And I hold my breath  
So you don't hear me scream  
When you walk away  
But the words are only in my head  
It's not what I said  
It's what I didn't say

The anguish in Ashley's voice was heartbreaking; you could hear the emotion tearing through the lyrics. It brought me back to that morning in my kitchen when I walked away from her for the last time. The sound of her voice calling me, begging me to come back would haunt me for a long time. I could picture it all so clearly. I could hear her voice in my head. I could feel my chest tightening and my gut squirming as the emotions of that day hit me like a semi.

_Is she everything you wanted her to be?  
Yeah, I bet she never breaks your heart like me  
So it's one more night I cover up with you  
And I hate myself for what I didn't do_

So I let you go  
And I watch you leave  
And I hold my breath  
So you don't hear me scream  
When you walk away  
But the words are only in my head  
It's not what I said  
It's what I didn't say

_Should've known better, now  
All I have left is a permanent stain  
The only part of you I get to keep forever  
To prove I lived this pain_

Maybe I was never as smart as I thought  
Maybe we can never be as good as we want  
Maybe you just didn't need me enough  
Maybe we're too clever to be falling in love like this  
Like this

Her voice was husky and compellingly beautiful. I reminded me of how she sounded when she let a powerful emotion take her over. I could see her clearly, standing in front of me as we argued yet again about hiding our relationship. The words hurt, they cut and burned. The words in this song could have been torn right from my mind. I felt my tears falling freely as I listened to the message in the words. I could hear the pain being torn from her soul and felt how she must have felt watching me walk away from her.

_Secrets told in the silence of my sin  
And I'm the one who loses in the end_

_So I let you go  
And I watch you leave  
And I hold my breath  
So you don't hear me scream  
When you walk away  
But the words are only in my head  
It's not what I said_

_That's keeping me away  
It's what I didn't say_

_It's what I didn't say_

_It's not what I said that's keeping me away_

_It's what I didn't say_

Her voice was powerfully swimming through the speakers and cutting into my already broken heart. I wiped at the tears on my face as the next song started playing, almost dreading what emotions and memories this song would bring up in me. To say I was feeling fragile was an understatement.

_I miss the sound of your voice  
And I miss the rush of your skin  
And I miss the still of the silence  
As you breathe out and I breathe in  
_

I could see it so clearly in my head. I remember waking up beside her one morning finding her lying there watching me sleep. From anyone else it would be creepy, but with Ashley it filled me with love and made me feel so beautiful and so adored. As soon as she saw my eyes open she cupped my cheek in her palm and kissed me on the lips. It was a feather light touch that made me shiver deliciously as she pulled her naked body further onto mine. She had whispered the first verse of this song to me in a sensually husky voice and then said, "The nights I'm not with you are enough to make me miss all that." I kissed her again tenderly; I had no words to say and was far too choked up with emotion to formulate a reply.

_If I could walk on water  
If I could tell you what's next  
I'd make you believe  
I'd make you forget_

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips  
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips  
Just pull me down hard  
And drown me in love  
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips  
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips  
Just pull me down hard  
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice  
Loudest thing in my head  
And I ache to remember  
All the violent, sweet  
Perfect words that you said

We were at Ashley's place one afternoon, just watching movies and I said something along the lines of 'dreams come true, not free.' Ashley thought it was the most profound thing she had ever heard and went on and on about how awesome it was that I had thought of it. I didn't have the heart to tell her I'd stolen the line from an episode of Dawson's Creek, I didn't want her to think I was a big dork. She turned to me on the sofa and kissed me hard, taking me by surprise. I gazed at her adoringly as she pulled away and whispered, "I want to always remember all the perfect words that you've said." After that I had us both naked in about ten seconds flat, the movie playing on her T.V. forgotten.

_If I could walk on water  
If I could tell you what's next  
I'd make you believe  
I'd make you forget_

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips  
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips  
Just pull me down hard  
And drown me in love  
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips  
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips  
Just pull me down hard  
And drown me in love

I miss the pull of your heart  
I taste the sparks on your tongue  
I see angels and devils  
And God, when you come on  
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

I could feel her underneath me, I could taste her, hear her gasp my name from swollen lips. I could feel her hands clutching at my back, nails marking me as I made love to her. I could still remember the sensation of her skin on mine, the most perfect feeling I have ever known. Nothing in this world compared to the wonder of making love to the woman I could never get enough of. When I closed my eyes I could go back and relive every moment with her. God I just wanted to go back.

_Sing sha la la la  
Sing sha la la la la_

Ooo Ooo Ooo...  
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips  
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips  
Just pull me down hard  
And drown me in love  
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips  
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips  
Just pull me down hard  
And drown me, drown me in love

It's all wrong, it's all wrong  
It's all wrong, it's so right  
So come on, get higher  
So come on and get higher  
'Cause everything works, love  
Everything works in your arms.

I took a deep shuddering breath as the song ended. Hearing her voice, her words, brought back so many memories. I barely had time to breath before the next song assaulted my senses. It was Common Ground, her first single that I have had playing on a loop in my head since the launch party. It was far too accurate at describing the status of my relationship or ex-relationship I guess. I listened to the song and let the tears pour unchecked down my face as her raspy, transcendent voice ripped into me.

To Be Continued…….

**Songs Used In This Chapter:**

What I Didn't Say by Saving Jane

Come On Get Higher by Matt Nathanson


	27. What I Didn't Say Part Two

**Thank you reviewers! Much love to you.**

bmbailey03 – I'm happy to hear you get all you need from this story! Thanks!

grangergirl22 – someone needed to smack some sense into Ashley to stop her thinking the worst. The album is Ashley's way of saying all she needs to

ebonyedlove – Thanks, glad you liked it. I'll try not to let you fall.

Hotcutii3 – Thanks heaps, glad you liked the chapter and the music. I spent a long time picking the songs.

somthgIlike2do – it's funny you mention that, in a few chapters time I make reference to a song on the album clearly referring to a woman. It is a song that is featured in this chapter, I'm sure you'll know which one right away.

mutt009, buff802y – given time and effort on both sides (particularly Ashley's) our girls might find a way back to each other

ashikinz – Thank you! That really means a lot. Music is one of the biggest parts of my life so I am more than happy to share my music tastes with you. I love Saving Jane, so glad I could introduce them to you!

uluvme – Thanks, I spent ages thinking about songs for the album…many hours listening to my Ipod at work! Ethan is currently unaware of Tilly's sexuality. He will be informed of it in chapter 29 if memory serves me lol

LoveAsh87 – Thank you. Kyla was brought in to be a voice of reason for Ashley. It is incredibly hard for Spencer to listen to the album.

shayer – The opinions I get about Ashley are extraordinarily varied. I personally have a lot of sympathy for her, while still being deeply sorry for putting Spencer through this. Thank you, I spent ages picking the music, thinking about what Ashley would want/need to say. Oh and I am all for over-analyzing so no judgment here! I agree, it is much easier to think the worst when you are the one who messed up, Kyla is here to keep Ashley from assuming the worst. Thanks again!

**Usual disclaimer – SoN and the song lyrics are not mine.**

**Here is the continuation of the previous chapter.**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Twenty-Seven – What I Didn't Say Part Two**

I was almost relieved when the next song started, not because Common Ground was bad, quite the opposite really, it was because I needed the reprieve. Who knew music could be so torturous. I leaned back against the sofa and prepared for a fresh onslaught of emotions.

_Thinking of the words to say,  
I'd like to think that this was fate.  
Reference to a song you love,  
Spell confusion with a 'k'.  
Like a star without its strings,  
I'm hanging here on these two wings.  
For that smile and those eyes... (I'm falling)_

If time could stop, how could I make this more poetic?  
When there's nothing more pathetic to be said...

You bring me out, show me light,  
I'm sorry if I hide, I'm too afraid to look inside.  
You carry truth, you make me smile.  
If it were you and me tonight,  
I would tame the stars and save the brightest one for you,  
For you...  


I remember sitting across from Ashley at my dining room table and watching her eat her dinner. I think this was the first time I really started to think that it was more than the label keeping her in the closet. She was staring out the window as she spoke about her high school experience. Exactly two people at her school knew she was out after her first girlfriend left, her half sister and Aiden. She had never really been out, not ever. She had hidden from everyone which was really sad. She kept all her encounters and relationships private and pretty much secret. I remember wishing she would stop hiding and let the world see who she was inside, because I knew she was amazing and I just wanted everyone else to see the woman I did.

_If you ever had the chance,  
Would you make your life seem right?  
Or would you only hold it back,  
The good times, the hard, and the bad.  
Whatever you say is alright,  
Just as long as there's no doubt.  
Could you look me in the eyes... (And say hopes died)_

If time could stop, how could I make this more poetic?  
When there's nothing more pathetic to be said...

You bring me out, show me light,  
I'm sorry if I hide, I'm too afraid to look inside.  
You carry truth, you make me smile.  
If it were you and me tonight,  
I would tame the stars and save the brightest one for you.

Our wish,  
Each time,  
Keeps me returning to you,  
Night after night...  
Lift me up as high as the clouds that warm the sky,  
For you and I...

You bring me out, show me light,  
I'm sorry if I hide, I'm too afraid to look inside...  
You carry truth, you make me smile,  
If it were you and me tonight,  
I would tame the stars and save the brightest one for you,  
For you...

I had tried so hard to get her to see that it was ok to be out, that people would accept that part of her as just an element of what made her the person she was. I wanted her to be at peace with herself, until she was we could never be.

One thing she had spot on was that each night she returned to me. In my dreams she was in my arms and everything was as it should be. I so wished reality was as perfect.

The next song began playing and I closed my eyes as an onslaught of even more memories, both painful and beautiful, hit me.

_Tragic, Confusing when you slam the door  
I've never lost someone like you before  
And let you go softly not even a sound  
Hoping that someday you'd come back around_

After hearing the first verse I fell from my sofa and sat in a heap on my carpet. I could vividly remember walking away from her. I could feel the hard wood floor underfoot, feel the tears on my cheeks, feel the silk of my robe as it embraced my body and I could hear her crying and pleading for me to stop. I could hear her ragged breathing as she broke down.

There is nothing more painful in this world then listening to the one you love break down and know it was because of something you'd said or done. I knew I did the right thing but that didn't make it any easier to deal with the fact I'd hurt her. The tears run unchecked down my face and dripped down onto my lap, darkening the fabric of my jeans. I closed my eyes hard as I listened to the rest of the song.

_Cause I miss your silky smooth face against mine  
The way you get impatient waiting in line  
It doesn't matter if we don't agree  
I like you even when you don't like me_

And I'm lost when you're away  
Lost, fade into gray

Captive to words that I wish I Could say  
I never imagined I'd crumble this way  
Somehow I thought this was where I belonged  
Don't leave me wondering if I was wrong

Cause I'm lost when you're away  
Lost, fade into gray

Lost when your away  
Lost fade into gray  
Lost when you're away(Lost in the shadow that you left behind)  
Lost fade into gray

I sobbed into my hands as the song faded out. In fact I had sobbed through pretty much the entire song. I had just started to get my cries under control when the next song started to play. I will admit I didn't hear the first verse or first chorus, my laboured breathing and desire to drink booze until I was blissfully unconscious was stealing my attention. My attention kicked in on the second verse.

_I stare up at the stars  
I wonder just where you are  
You feel a million miles away  
(I wonder just where you are)  
Was it something I said?  
Or something I never did?  
Or was I always in the way?  
(Was it something I did?)  
Could someone tell me what to say to just make you stay?  
_

I remember one night, we had just made love for hours. We were wrapped up in each others arms, a tangle of sweaty limps, both of us content and peaceful and then she had left, she had an early morning interview and had to be home to meet her stylist. This was towards the end of our brief but intense relationship. All night it had struck me that she felt like she was somewhere else. She felt too far way for me to touch (metaphorically of course, physically I had been touching her in some pretty intimate ways). After she'd left I'd sat at my window watching the waves on the beach and thinking, asking myself all the questions Ashley had managed to voice in her song. I wondered if there was something I'd said or done that had made her want to hide. I couldn't help but think I should have done more, fought harder. I don't know.

_I need a little more luck than a little bit  
Cuz every time I get stuck the words won't fit  
And every time that I try I get tongue tied  
I need a little good luck to get me by_

I need a little more help than a little bit  
Like the perfect one word no one's heard yet  
Cuz every time that I try I get tongue tied  
I need a little good luck to get me by this time

I know it feels like the end  
Don't want to be here again  
And we could help each other off the ground so we never fall down again  


_What it takes I don't care  
We're gonna make it I swear  
And we could help each other off the ground so we never fall down again  
Again_

I felt the lyrics of this song. They were my experience more than I thought they were hers. I felt like I was the one in our relationship willing to do almost anything to make it work. I sacrificed a lot and compromised so much while I was with her and I felt like she didn't for me. She compromised nothing and at the end of the day sacrificed me so her music career wouldn't suffer. That hurt, so much so I wasn't sure how to even begin to recover.

The chorus of the song took me back to one of our few outings away from her place or mine. We were at a tiny out of the way café having a late lunch. I had a chicken and avocado sandwich while she was eating a tuna and salad wrap, its funny the insignificant details I remember from our time together. We were laughing and joking, careful to keep it looking like two friends eating lunch rather than two women on a date.

Ashley turned to me at one point and said in the softest, most tender voice, "Every time I want to tell you how I feel I get tongue tied. I wish there was one perfect word I could say to you that would be enough, but I haven't found it yet." I had smiled at her before taking a sip of my orange juice and reaching out to hold her hand.

Ashley pre-empted my intentions and slid her hand into her lap and out of my reach. She had refused to meet my eyes after that and just stared down at her food. I had sighed and shaken my head. It had baffled me how she could go from saying the sweetest, most beautiful things to pulling away and treating me like a leper. I think that was one of the hardest parts of our relationship, apart from the actual hiding…well actually I think it was a symptom.

I dragged myself from my thoughts to listen to the emotional torture that was the rest of Ashley's debut album.

The next song on her album was called More Than A Love Song, and it made me cry so hard I threw up in my bin. It was beautiful and touching and in light of the situation bittersweet and excruciating.

_Words are a lovely try  
For something more  
And I wanna give to you  
Give to you..._

More than a love song can give  
More than a feeling like this  
More than a dim light upon the path you walk

More than the words can explain  
More than the falling rain  
More than the sun shines upon your lovely face  
It's more than a love song

I didn't want a fucking love song from her, I didn't want an entire album telling me all the thing she should have said to my face. I wanted Ashley to realise that life without me was not worth it. I wanted her to realise that she needed me as much as I needed her. I wanted her in my arms for always. And I wanted her to want that too.

I was tempted to shut off the CD player, but having listened to almost the entire album I felt like I had to go on. I was well aware that I was subjecting myself to inhumane torture, but I had to hear what else she wanted to tell me. I almost smiled at the start of the next song. I had been at her place when the melody had come to her.

We were snuggled up on the couch on her living room when she had started humming this beautiful melody I had never heard before. She had then suddenly jumped up and dragged me by the hand into her music room. She picked up a guitar and began playing the melody in her head, stopping to jot down the notes and make changes as she went.

I sat with her all night as she jotted down the notes and added in bass lines and drum beats. I had even given her inspiration for the chorus. She had been sitting Indian style on the floor with her guitar and I had murmured while trying to stifle a yawn, "Are you nearly done? I want to go to bed."

Ashley had rolled her eyes and replied with a smirk, "hang in there Baby, you are getting the rare chance to see the method behind my madness."

I had sighed and then said, "Come on! Let me hold you, touch you, feel you, all night. You know you want to."

Ashley gazed up at me and a huge smile broke out on her face, "Spence, I think you've just come up with the chorus! Thanks Beautiful." She jumped up and pecked me on the lips before jotting down what I'd said. I had rolled my eyes and laughed at my beautiful brunette as she excitedly scribbled on her sheet music. We were so happy in that moment and I loved that she was letting me into her world.

I swiped at my tears as the song played through the speakers of my stereo.

_I've been here before a few times  
And I'm quite aware we're dying  
And your hands they shake with goodbyes  
And I'll take you back if you'd have me  
So here I am I'm trying  
So here I am are you ready_

Come on let me hold you, touch you, feel you  
Always  
Kiss you, taste you all night  
Always  


I felt my heart constrict painfully in my chest as I took in her words. Trying? She wasn't trying. Sending me this album full of words and promises, while it was a beautiful sentiment and a good start, it was just not enough. Not nearly enough when all I wanted was _her,_ not words sung through the speakers_._

_And I'll miss your laugh your smile  
I'll admit I'm wrong if you'd tell me  
I'm so sick of fights, I hate them  
Lets start this again for real_

So here I am I'm trying  
So here I am are you ready  
So here I am I'm trying  
So here I am are you ready

Come on let me hold you, touch you, feel you  
Always  
Kiss you taste you all night  
Always

_Come on let me hold you Touch you, feel you  
Always  
Kiss you, taste you all night  
Always_

I've been here before a few times  
And I'm quite aware we're dying

Come on let me hold you, touch you, feel you  
Always  
Kiss you, taste you all night  
Always  
Come on let me hold you Touch you, feel you  
Always  
Kiss you, taste you all night  
Always

Always..

Always..

I sighed tiredly and looked down at her familiar handwriting on the CD cover. I wished the words in the song I'd just listened to were real. I wanted her to come to me and say it to my face. Until she said it to me, face to face, they were just beautiful words that made my heart ache in my chest, but they didn't change a damn thing.

I heard the opening bars of the next song start and immediately skipped it. It was her acoustic version of Superhuman Touch and there was no way in hell I was strong enough to hear that right now.

I remembered sitting at the end of my bed with her naked body pressed back into mine as she sung that song into my dark bedroom strumming my guitar the night we made love for the first time. I guess she kept her promise, she promised me that she would record it for me.

I bowed my head as the tears fell hard and fast, showing no sight that they would ever stop. I struggled to breathe as the last song on her album started to play.

_Tonight I'll be dreaming home alone in my bed  
I do my best thinking when I'm all by myself  
Wonder where you are now and if you're feeling the same  
And if you got the letter that I sent yesterday_

What can I do now just to make things right?  
Cause I haven't slept now in the past 3 nights  
Cause I want to hold you for all your days  
Take my hand just let me show you the way  
And I want to hold you lets make it right  
Cause I'll be with you now for the rest of your life

__As soon as the first chorus had finished playing I hit pause, I couldn't take it anymore. It was too hard, too much. I couldn't take her singing to me like that. I couldn't bear to hear her sing that she wanted to hold me and make things right, and I especially couldn't handle her singing that she wanted to be with me for the rest of her life. Not when her actions said otherwise.

I was just drying my tears for the billionth time when I accidentally leant on the remote and the song started playing again.

_Now somebody told me everything that you said  
and how you look out your window before you crawl into bed  
And you refuse to move on now cause you're feeling the same  
and there's tears on the letter that I sent yesterday_

What can I do now just to fix this tonight  
Cause I wont sleep until we make this right  
Cause I want to hold you for all your days  
Take my hand just let me show you the way  
And I want to hold you we'll make it right  
cause I'll be with you now for the rest of your life

Cause I want to hold you for all your days  
Take my hand just let me show you the way  
And I want to hold you lets make it right  
Cause I'll be with you now for the rest of your life

And I want to hold you for all your days  
Take my hand just let me show you the way  
And I want to hold you we'll make it right  
Cause I'll be with you now for the rest of your life  
And I'll be with you now for the rest of your life  
And I'll be with you now for the rest of your life

I covered my mouth with my hand as I choked out loud, violent sobs that tore through my body and left me trembling uncontrollably. It was agony to hear her voice saying all these beautiful things. Excruciating, heart-breaking agony.

I loved her, I was so in love with her and hearing her singing all this too me when I couldn't be with her was torture, pure and absolute torture.

It hurt that she could record these songs on an album that she was releasing to the world when she couldn't say any of this to my face. I was a complex mess of emotions after hearing that CD. I was angry, hurt, confused, devastated, moved, scarily hopefully and everything in between.

I staggered to my feet and picked up the phone to call her only to slam it back down. There was no way I was ready for that conversation. I wasn't even sure what I would say to her, I was torn between breaking down and telling her I felt the same or bitching her out for God knows what. I had never felt so torn and confused in my life.

Instead of calling her I curled up in the fetal position on my office floor and sobbed until I fell asleep. I woke up hours later to find a blanket over me and a cushion from my sofa under my head. I glanced up and found Eva sitting on my sofa with the cover of Ashley's CD on her lap.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes, which were burning from a mixture of tears and exhaustion. I cleared my throat and she turned her head to smile despondently at me, "So Ashley sent you her album huh?"

I nodded and pulled myself up so I could sit with her on the sofa. I lay down and rested my head in Eva's lap. She gently stroked her fingers through my hair soothingly. I sighed and snuggled into her more.

"You don't have to talk about it Spence, but I'm here for you Babe," Eva murmured.

I nodded against her leg and cleared my throat again before choking out in a husky voice, "Thanks. I really wasn't prepared for how hearing all that was going to make me feel. The whole fucking album is about me and us Eva. She has written an entire album saying all the thing she never had the fucking balls to say to my face. I don't know how to deal with this."

Eva nodded and continued the comforting stroking of my hair, "Spence, there is no right or wrong way to deal with this. However you feel is how you feel. Are you going to call her or contact her?"

I sat up beside her and shrugged, "I have no idea. Actually the first thing I did when I finished listening to the album, which by the way was the most torturously excruciating forty-two minutes of my life, was pick up the phone to call her. I was going to, but then I hung up. I couldn't figure out what I would say to her. I think I need to take some time before I try and contact her. I don't know what to do Evie."

Eva circled my shoulder with her arm and I rested my head on her shoulder. Eva kissed the crown of my head and said softly, "Spencer follow your instincts. If you are not ready to contact her then wait. There is no pressure, no rush. When it's right you'll know and then you can call her and say what you need to. I've got your back here Carlin, always."

I nodded and then started to cry again. I sobbed broken heartedly as Eva rocked me in her arms. We sat like that for hours until I drifted off to sleep again.

**Songs Used In This Chapter:**

Poetically Pathetic by Amber Pacific

Lost by Saving Jane (words changed ever so slightly)

Tongue Tied by Faber Drive

More Than A Love Song by Augustana

Always By Blink 182

Hold by Within Reason


	28. Leading By Example

**Thanks my lovelies.**

LoveAsh87, freakanatomy, slushhy, Lilyeyama, ebonyedlove – Thanks heaps!

shayer – My Oma (my Dad's family is German) used to tell the best stories too, she led a tragic life. Your Oma hit the nail on the head, she was so right. I am touched that this story has had the power to impact your views on love and hurt. Thank you

PeacefullyBreaking – Thank you so much, that means a lot!

somthgIlike2do – Thanks. I think both have relatable stories and I'm glad the emotions I wanted to convey came across.

2bz2breading – Thanks for the reviews on the last two chapters. I'm glad you liked them. I always like reading your reviews because even when I disagree with you I always have a lot of respect for your opinions. Ashley has some self-esteem issues and I think her behaviour will be more understandable after this latest chapter.

Life-Live-Love-Learn – Thanks for reviewing on chapters 26 and 27. I knew I wanted to lose Lost in this fic but it took me a while to figure out how to change the line to suit lol. I'm sure Spencer would appreciate the hug and cookie/brownie lol

mutt009 – Ok so I do not want to give anything away, but I also don't want to kill your spirit! Please have faith.

uluvme – Nope Ethan will find out in Chapter 29 lol. Sorry no justice in _my _world of fanfics…at least not yet

Raissa92 – I think after the rather huge emotional rollercoaster it would have been too much for Spencer to call Ashley. She needs time to process everything and sort out what she wants to say.

DarceLynn – Thank you. I'm glad to share my music taste with you all. I love that Secondhand Serenade song, I need to go listen to it again.

**Usual disclaimer, SoN not mine**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Twenty-Eight – Leading By Example**

Ashley's POV

It had now been two days since the launch of my debut album, which I was told was doing extremely well, and five days since Spencer would have received my letter and album by messenger. I hadn't heard word from her since then, not a single word. I wasn't sure how to take that. I wasn't sure what I was expecting from her, she didn't owe me anything. However, I was dying to know what she thought of the album after I had put my heart and soul into it and nearly given myself a nervous breakdown sending it to her.

Today was going to be a difficult day. Me and Ethan had a meeting at Worlds Away Productions to discuss them producing the rest of the music videos for this album. I was surprised that Ethan wanted to go back to Spencer and Eva in light of the scandal and raised that with him. Ethan had smiled at me like I was particularly stupid and told me that if we didn't go back to them people would start to think there was some truth to the rumours. He also went on to basically say that they were the best and that meant I would have to put aside all personal issues and do as I was told.

I was looking forward to seeing Spencer, while at the same time I was absolutely terrified. I had no idea how she was going to react. Knowing her she would be very professional and that would sting, having her act like there was never anything between us. She would do it though, she would do it for me, to help keep our relationship a secret even though it hurt her to do it.

I checked my appearance in my rear view mirror before climbing out of my car and heading into the building that housed Worlds Away Productions. I let the receptionist, Hillary, know I was there and took a seat to wait for Ethan to show up. I didn't have to wait long, Ethan came in about three minutes after me.

"Good morning Ashley," He greeted me with a strange smile, it was one I couldn't decipher but it was pretty much the only type of smile he'd sent my way since the pictures of Spencer and I surfaced. I was really starting to change all my old opinions of Ethan, he was acting like a confusing douche bag. It's a shame he was such a talented producer, because he sucked as a human being.

"Good morning Ethan," I replied, not even bothering to look up from the magazine I had open on my lap. We sat in a rather awkward silence for a few minutes, the only sounds the tick of the clock and the swish as I flipped the pages of my magazine, until Hilary came over and told us to follow her.

She led us down the hall, past Spencer and Eva's offices, and into the meeting room I'd become very familiar with during my visits to the office. We took a seat as Eva rushed in with a tight smile on her face. She sat across from us and shuffled her notes before looking up at us.

"Hello Ethan, Ashley. It's good to see you both again," Eva said in a falsely polite, cheerful voice. As Ethan was greeting her I glanced over at the door so I could catch sight of Spencer the moment she came into the room.

Eva caught the place my gaze was focused on and frowned before stating, "Spencer will not be joining us today, she is at a rehearsal for her movie which starts filming this week. She sends her apologies."

"Ah yes she mentioned that when I spoke to her yesterday, I'm actually meeting up with her tomorrow about a different project and the movie," Ethan said arrogantly. I felt like he was rubbing it in my face that he got to see her and I didn't. He was such an asshole.

Eva smiled thinly at Ethan, barely masking her hatred of the guy. She turned to face me with a slightly less cold expression and said, "So I listened to the album, it's very good, extremely good. Congratulations Ashley."

I swallowed around the lump in my throat, "Um thanks Eva." I had to bite my tongue to stop myself asking her whether Spencer had listened to it and if she had what she'd thought of it. I figured asking that particular line of questions would be inappropriate and may result in Eva kicking my ass. I was actually surprised she hadn't yet.

Ethan cleared his throat, "well I'm glad you listened to it, and getting right to the point, we want to employ Worlds Away Productions to produce the music videos for this album. The next single, which we want out in two weeks at a showcase we're hosting, will be What I Didn't Say so we would want a video produced by not too long after that. I know that is asking a lot, tight deadline and all. Could you and Spencer fit that in?"

Eva smirked at Ethan and sat up straighter in her chair, she looked like she was preparing for battle. "Ethan I'm pleased to say that the production company is available to do the video, and any others for this album, however Spencer will not be available to direct the videos at this point in time," Eva announced, with a quick glance in my direction.

I bit my lip and fought the urge to cry. Part of me was hoping that if Spencer was working with me on my music videos we could start finding a way to be together or at least we'd be in each other's lives. It had never occurred to me that she wouldn't be directing the videos herself.

Ethan looked annoyed, and his sideways glances at me expressed that he blamed me. "Eva, no offence intended, but Spencer is the best music video director around and her concepts are always incredible. We want her on this project."

Eva nodded, "I get that and Spencer would love to direct, but with the movie beginning filming shortly and number of other projects on the go she doesn't have the capacity to work on Ashley's videos too, not to mention the scandal from the last time they worked together. Spencer is not keen on attracting any more bad press while she's trying to get this film made and distributed and mostly, she doesn't want any more bad press for Ashley. I'm sure you understand."

I felt like I had been slugged in the face. She didn't want to attract bad press? I knew she didn't give a rat's ass about the so called 'bad press' for her. What a load of shit, Spencer just didn't want to see me. Although I guess I really couldn't blame her and knowing her it would definitely be more about my reputation that hers.

I looked over at Ethan, expecting him to look furious. Instead he was nodding and smiling. "Well that is certainly fair enough. I was talking to Spence about her film and it sounds great, like it could mean big things for you both and this company, but where does that leave us?" I couldn't help but feel jealous, he'd obviously talked to Spencer at length. Why the hell would she talk to him?

Eva picked up a pen and started twirling it around in her fingers, "Well Spencer has agreed to work on concepts and assist with editing and things like that, but she will have a close friend and former intern of hers directing with me and Spencer acting as producers. Sarah Foster is Spencer's protégé. She has been filming documentaries in Spain for about 8 months and is now back in the States. She is very talented, she's worked closely with Spencer and I on previous productions and Spencer or I will be viewing all work to monitor it. We wouldn't accept the job if we didn't think we could do it well."

Ethan nodded and looked at me. I just shrugged. I couldn't make myself give a shit at this point. If Spencer wasn't going to work on the videos then I really didn't care who did. Ethan smiled warmly at Eva and said, "Well that sounds good then. I'd say we have a deal."

Eva nodded and flashed us both a tight smile, "Great. Well Spencer put together a folder of concepts for videos. She wasn't sure which song would be the next single so she has formulated two or three concepts per song on the album, aside from the bonus tracks. Here you go." Eva slid two folders across the table towards Ethan and I.

I took one and opened it up to see the beautiful, neat handwriting of the woman I love on the cover page. I flipped through the pages and saw that many of her concepts were taken directly from memories of us. A lot of the memories were the inspirations behind me actually writing the songs.

I sighed sadly and tuned out the conversation Eva and Ethan were having. I didn't give a flying fuck about schedules and shit like that, not when I was facing a folder full of memories of a love I wanted back.

One of the scenarios Spencer had written for What I Didn't Say was pretty much a depiction of our break up, of course with a guy in Spencer's place. The concept Spencer had written involved me standing on a beach singing with my guitar while flashing back to the break up. It was simple, but it would be powerful and moving.

I was torn from my thoughts when Ethan snapped his fingers in front of my eyes and asked in an almost kind tone, "So which concept do you like for the video?"

I swallowed thickly and looked up at Eva, "The second one is pretty powerful, but I don't think we should use it, it's a little too realistic. Maybe we should use the first one."

Ethan shook his head, "Ashley, the second one is far better. The way Spencer described the video was magical. I don't think we could in good conscious use another concept."

Eva looked over at me, her expression softening, "look you guys, we could beat around the bush here and pretend we don't all know where the inspiration for this video concept came from, but that is going to be counter productive. Nothing that is said in this room will be repeated, of that I can assure you. I know that this video concept is directly taken from the break up between Spencer and Ashley. I know because Spencer told me. This album is about Spencer, we all know that, so her ideas are inspired by the same heartbreak and memories that inspired the songs."

Eva paused and looked at Ethan, daring him to butt in. He sighed then motioned for her to continue. Eva smiled softly at me and said, "Ashley, I was with Spencer when she wrote this idea down, we discussed the concepts together in detail and I know that if she really didn't want you to use the idea she wouldn't have included it. I actually think writing about it was cathartic for her, so maybe making the video will be for you too."

I blinked back tears and nodded. I zoned out after that and let them talk business. After the meeting I made some excuse about needing to use the bathroom and hung back while Eva showed Ethan out.

I darted along the hallway and tried to open Spencer's office door, only to find it locked. I leaned against the door and closed my eyes, sighing loudly. I jumped about a foot in the air when a voice beside me said, "When I told you Spencer wasn't here, I wasn't lying."

My eyes snapped open and I looked over at Eva as she lounged against the wall with a small frown on her face. I looked at her guiltily before responding, "Yeah I know, I guess I just wanted to see if she'd come back or something. Fuck I don't know. I hardly know what I'm doing these days."

Eva nodded and leaned her head back against the wall, "I'd believe that Ashley. You did a stupid thing letting her go."

I snapped my eyes up to look at her and let out a harsh breath, "I know. So how is she Eva?"

Eva locked her eyes on mine and tilted her head with a tiny smile on her lips, "Honestly?" I nodded. Eva sighed and continued, "She's doing the best she can Ashley. Spencer is trying so hard to be ok, but I know her well enough to know she's hurting. She's throwing herself into work and I think that is what is keeping her sane."

I ran a hand through my hair and bit my lip, a picture of Spencer's heartbroken face flashing through my mind. "Yeah I'm doing the same. Does she ever...does she ever talk about me?"

Eva frowned thoughtfully and murmured, "Yes she does. Just because you aren't together doesn't mean she's stopped caring about you. She loves you Ashley and that isn't changing anytime soon, in fact she _demanded_ that we take on your music videos. I tried to talk her out of it, but she is stubborn as I'm sure you know." We shared a fond smile as we each thought about the blonde woman we both loved. Eva said softly, "She wants you to succeed and knows that no one has as much insight into your songs as she does."

I rubbed my eyes, which were now stinging with unshed tears, "I really don't deserve her, I never really did."

Eva chuckled and I looked up at her in surprise. "Well I don't entirely agree with you there." I looked at her incredulously and Eva chuckled again, "No seriously Ashley, neither one of you is entirely innocent here. Spencer knows she pushed you about coming out, she has her own principles and beliefs about that and she put them onto you. At the same time you weren't fair to her either. Asking her to hide your relationship and then parading that meathead Aiden around was painful for her, and I'm sure for you. You both have your reasons why you did what you did and now you are both dealing with the consequences."

I leaned heavily against the wall and closed my eyes. I slid down to the floor and covered my eyes with my hands. I felt a comforting hand on my shoulder and looked up to meet Eva's kind green eyes, "I want her back Eva, I miss her so much."

Eva took a deep breath and sat down beside me, "Well you know what she needs from you Ashley. I know it's scary to come out, especially when the entire world will be in your business. I've been there and so has Spencer. We both struggled, even lost friends, family and business because of being who we are, but it was also freeing and it made us realise that anyone who can't accept us for who we are is just not worth it."

"I don't know if I can do what she wants me to Eva. It's in my fucking contract that I have to keep my sexuality a secret for now." I muttered only to be cut off by the short blonde sitting beside me.

"Don't bull shit a bull shitter Ashley. It is so much more than just the label making you hide this. It's fear, and that's ok. It's ok to be scared," Eva said in a soft, soothing voice.

I sighed and blinked back tears before turning to face her, "if I tell you something, can I ask you not to tell Spencer?"

Eva looked me dead in the eye and shook her head, "you can tell me anything you like Ashley, but she is my best friend and I will not promise to keep anything from her."

I chuckled a little and said, "Thanks for your honesty Eva, it's kind of refreshing."

Eva grinned, "You aren't the first person to tell me that. Now if you want to tell me something you can, I'm a good listener."

I took a deep, shuddering breath and nodded, "Fine, fuck it. I need to tell someone. Well I didn't tell Spencer this but my father, he was, uh he was gay." Eva gasped and looked at me open mouthed. I laughed humourlessly and nodded, "Yep Raife Davies, notorious womaniser was really a closet case. The day I came out to him he came out to me. He made me promise never to tell anyone. He told me it would ruin his career. He was so ashamed of who he was and I guess I took that on. All the relationships I have ever had have been kept quiet, very private. About a month before he died, rumours started circulating about Dad's sexuality. One of his indiscretions sold his story to the press and overnight my Dad became a hated figure. His album sales plummeted and he started getting hate mail. People were having digs at him in the media and other men started to come forward. His label dropped him and his career was going down the drain." I paused as tears started to spill down my face, hard and fast.

Eva reached over and wrapped her arm around my shoulder to give me a comforting squeeze. I took a breath and continued, "His publicists tried everything to cover up the scandal, but it was out there and wasn't going away. A month later my Dad killed himself. My mother and the PR people made it out to be an accident and in the aftermath of his death he was suddenly a legend again. All talk of his sexuality and the indiscretions fell away and he was everyone's favourite, bad boy, womanising rock star again. I never really got over that."

Eva held me close and I cried. I hadn't spoken about this to anyone, ever. Even Kyla didn't know, I hadn't met Kyla until after Dad had died and it was never brought up between us. A few times she had tried to bring it up, only to have me shoot her down. It remained the only topic that was totally taboo between us.

"I'm so sorry Ashley that explains so damn much actually," Eva shook her head, a thoughtful expression on her pretty face, "You know it would make Spencer feel a hell of a lot better about all this if she knew that. She never would have pushed you so hard to come out had she known about this."

I shrugged, "Maybe that's true, I just couldn't say it. Look you can tell her if you want, but I just can't. Regardless of why I am so scared to come out, I've still hurt her so badly and there is no excuse for that. When I think back to the things I said to her, particularly the morning she broke up with me, I feel sick. I promised her that I wouldn't make her hide for long, and when I said that I meant it with my whole heart, but then I started thinking and freaking myself out. It's just that after seeing what happened to Dad, I'm scared that I will never be ready to be the woman she needs me to be." I felt the tears streaking down my face as Eva pulled my head down onto her shoulder.

"I understand Ashley, God I get why you're so scared, but I think you need to move past all of that and, for want of a better phrase, pull your head out of your ass before you lose her for good. I think Spencer needs to know about your Dad. I also don't think she should hear it from me. I really feel that you should tell her, but that is your choice. If it comes up though, I won't lie to her," Eva said in the most serious tone I had ever heard her use.

I nodded against her shoulder, "that's fair. I just don't know if I can tell her, I'm so beyond scared Eva."

Eva smiled down at me and kissed me softly on the head, "It's ok to be scared, but fear is just an emotion, it's not something to live your life by. It's like you told Spencer, nothing worthwhile is easy. Things like this, that are difficult, just show you how important it really is."

"She told you I said that?" I asked in a tiny voice that was husky with emotion.

Eva chuckled, "yeah, the challenge is getting her to shut up about you. Davies, she is hurting right now but is absolutely crazy about you. You need to figure out what to do now so you can stop all this shit that is hurting both of you."

I looked up at her with a faint stirring of hope in my heart. "You're right, I guess I need to figure out what I do now."

Eva pursed her lips and nodded, "Yep you do. And I know you and I have just had a deep and meaningful moment, I like you Ashley, I do, but if you hurt my best friend again I may have to kick your ass." It was said with a kind smile, which I gladly returned.

Eva climbed to her feet and grabbed my hand, "Come on Davies, after all that I reckon we both need some sugar. Let me buy you a coffee."

I nodded and followed Eva from the building. I actually felt better. Talking to Eva had cleared up a few things for me. I had a way to go, but I was feeling a bit surer of what I had to do. I had to talk to Spencer.


	29. Face to Face

**Thank you for your reviews!**

**somthgIlike2do – I agree, we all need an Evie! Glad the back story helped explain some things about Ashley**

**Life-Live-Love-Learn –Glad it was unexpected. Ethan getting hit by a truck? We'll see**

**shayer - Thanks, I wanted to do something really unexpected so I figured make Raife gay lol. Eva is awesome and yeah ultimately her kindness will help Spencer as well as Ashley. Your Oma and Opa sound like great people. Thanks!**

**mutt009 – So happy your faith is restored!**

**LoveAsh87, hugbuddy13 – Thanks, Ashley does need to talk Spencer**

**bmbailey03 – Yep a breakthrough! I can promise you more deep emotions.**

**uluvme – Yeah I kinda did make Raife Davies gay lol. You're right, it is better to be accepted for you rather than who you pretend to be. Ashley has a lot to work out.**

**2bz2breading – Ashley is not being entirely logical or reasonable about any of this, her thought processed are messed up after watching what happened with her Dad. I disagree that suicide is a selfish act, it is hard for the people left behind but to be in such emotional pain that death seems like your only option is not something I would wish on anyone having been there myself and worked with many other suicidal people. I'm glad you liked the video concepts and I take it as a huge compliment that this story is your daily crack!**

**ebonyedlove – They do need to talk. Ah I'll get right on that Spashley baby making lol...maybe**

**Usual disclaimer, SoN not mine.**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Twenty-Nine – Face to Face**

Spencer's POV

I strode along the familiar halls of Marks Records with Eva, a very nervous Tilly and an over-excited Kyle on either side of us. Today was the day we met with Ethan to discuss Tilly's possible record deal and also Marks Records producing and distributing the soundtrack for the film. I had spoken to quite a few artists and along with Tilly planning to sing about four songs for the film, it was going to be one hell of a soundtrack.

I adjusted my midnight blue, knee length linen dress and swept my long blonde hair behind my shoulder as we entered the meeting room where Ethan would soon be joining us. I settled down in my seat and opened my folder so all the information I would need was ready at my finger tips. I believed in over preparing for a meeting. Yesterday while Eva was meeting with Ethan and Ashley I was hiding out at home and working on the folder that now sat in front of me.

It wasn't like I was avoiding Ashley...ok not even I believed that. Of course I was avoiding Ashley. Since I had gotten Ashley's letter and her album in the mail I had been trying to figure out what I wanted to say to my brunette ex. I knew I had to see her, had to talk to her, but I wanted to be prepared for that. This was too important for me to fuck it up.

It had been 23 days since I had broken up with her, 23 excruciating days where I threw myself head long into my work and tried desperately to keep from drowning. It was so strange to me that a woman I had only been dating for two months could have turned my life inside out. It didn't seem real, but I guess logic and rational thought all go out the fucking window when you fall in love.

I definitely wasn't using my logic or rationality when I fell for Ashley Davies and agreed to hide our relationship. Everything in my head had screamed at me to run from her like a woman running from a burning house. Instead I had listened to my heart which cried out to be near her. Stupid fucking heart!

I had been listening to her album constantly since she sent it to me. I had put it on my Ipod and now knew every word by heart. It all still hurt the same, no amount of listening to her music was going to numb that. Every line of every song had a message to me and brought back a torrent of memories some of which were beautiful, heart warming, hot, sensual or just plain happy. Others were heart wrenching, painful, debilitating memories that made me cry until I could hardly breathe any more.

Eva called me a glutton for punishment and tried to take away my Ipod and the album...I kind of bit her for that. Yeah I know that was kind of childish, but she was literally trying to pull them out of my hands, what's a girl to do?

Speaking of Eva, she had been quiet all day, which was very unsettling. I always got suspicious of a quiet Eva. I hadn't gotten the chance to talk to her since her meeting with Ashley and Ethan the day before, I will admit I was bursting with curiosity to know what had gone down. I had a vague idea that they had agreed to our terms for producing the video, but only because I had noticed meetings and shooting dates on our company diary. I had feeling that something had gone down on a personal level, that directly involved me and that Eva was keeping it from me. I would get it out of her later when we were alone.

I slid on my glasses just as Ethan walked into the meeting room. He beamed warmly at me and strode over to give me a professional hand shake, I guess Ashley got through to him when she told him off at the launch of her single. I flashed him a smile and introduced the others, "Ethan thank you for meeting with us, of course you know Eva, but this is Kyle Schultz, Tilly's manager and one of the producers behind her demo, and last but not least, this is Tilly Kline."

Ethan shook hands with Eva and Kyle and then flashed Tilly a beaming smile, "Tilly it is such a pleasure to meet you, your demo was unbelievable. You have a raw, vulnerable quality that is rare to find and we are eager to be involved in getting your music out there."

Tilly blushed under his praise and smiled nervously, "Really? Mr. Marks that is so awesome of you to say."

Ethan chuckled, "call me Ethan please, Mr. Marks is my Dad, every time someone calls me that I have to fight the urge to look over my shoulder to find my old man." We all laughed and settled back down in our seats.

Ethan smiled around the table at us before speaking, "Well after hearing Spencer talk about your music Tilly I was pretty certain we'd sign you, but then hearing your demo...wow I was blown away. We are happy to offer you a recording contract. We want to develop an album with you and were thinking that we could do this in conjunction with the release of Spencer's film at the festivals. I was speaking to my father and we are keen to be involved in the film Spencer, we are more than happy to produce and distribute the sound track and I even have a few artists I thought might work, I have their demos for you to listen to."

I smiled kindly, "That sounds great Ethan, I am so grateful to you for all this. The film starts filming shortly, which I am very excited about. The shooting schedule is tight, only 28 days and then we have about 3 weeks set aside for post-production, before it hits the festival circuit in 2 months. How is that timeframe for developing an album and preparing to launch Tilly's music?" I asked thoughtfully as I started jotting down notes in my folder.

Ethan and Kyle both looked thoughtful as they considered my suggestion, Tilly just looked excitedly at Eva who was beaming at her like a proud girlfriend...those two were so going to end up together, if I was certain of anything that was it.

Kyle nodded his head, "Look I think it's doable, provided we get the contract all sorted soon. Plus we want to start getting some publicity going, subtly of course, so that when we launch the first single and the movie premiers there is already some buzz happening."

I nodded in agreement and Ethan smiled widely, "Well that sounds pretty good to me. I have a contract here for you to peruse," Ethan slid the document over to Kyle and Tilly before he continued, "I also agree with you about the publicity. I was also thinking that the first single we release could be the feature song from the film, which I believe is one of the songs written by Spencer, am I correct?"

Eva tore her eyes from Tilly's long enough to answer, "Yep that's right, it's the first song on her demo."

Ethan nodded again, still smiling widely, "Great, that song is incredible," he paused and bowed his head at me, I smiled gratefully in response, "I also have a showcase coming up in a fortnight for the labels newer artists and it would be a good place to start our publicity for Tilly. If you agree, we could get her to perform the song that will be her first single, plus one or two others, at the show case."

Kyle grinned, "Sounds good to us, a great way to get this started. You alright with that Tilly?" Tilly nodded with a smile before her expression hardened and she turned to face Ethan with a determined expression on her face.

"Ethan there is something I want to be very clear about with you, I am gay. I am out and very proud of who I am. I want to make music, it's all I have ever wanted to do, but I won't do it at the expense of compromising who I am. If the label wants me to hide that huge part of myself then there is no point in us continuing this conversation." Tilly said in a strong, uncompromising voice and I felt a surge of pride in my young friend...I wished my girlfriend, or _ex_-girlfriend, could say the same.

Ethan's eyes snapped over to me and locked on mine. He smiled thinly, his expression clearly telling me that he knew I had brought her to him to prove a point, and maybe I had but it was mostly because I knew him to be a damn good producer. I fixed him with a steely look of determination, he knew I would fight him on this if I had to. I think he also knew he would lose.

Ethan looked back at Tilly and nodded his head, "It is ultimately your call Tilly, it may make it harder for us to market you and might impact record sales..."

Ethan was cut off as Tilly started to laugh, "No offense Ethan, but I want people to buy my music because they like it, not because of how you market me. I am who I am and I will never lie about that."

Ethan sighed, clearly trying to stay composed, "Well how about we compromise, we won't ever lie about your sexuality and I won't ask you to hide, all I ask it that you don't get caught in any scandals and that you don't go around screaming it from the roof tops."

"Hmm ok so I don't actively broadcast my sexuality, which I'm fine with it's not like I wasn't to get a billboard to announce my sexual orientation, but still get to live my life my way, so long as I don't get caught up in a Lindsey Lohan like scandals? And I don't have to lie or hide?" Tilly clarified as she looked Ethan straight in the eyes.

Ethan nodded, "Yes that's right." He said it softly, almost like the words hurt him.

Tilly smirked a little and flashed me a very brief look of triumph, "Well that sounds very doable, but I will _never_ lie or hide who I am, if and when I have a girlfriend I _will_ go out with her in public and never hide who she is to me, just so we are crystal clear." She looked over at me briefly, her expression one of sympathy. She knew it hurt me to know she was saying all the words my ex was too scared to say.

I smiled proudly at her and turned to fix Ethan with a hard stare, "So what do you say Marks? We still got a deal?"

Ethan looked at me in defeat, he knew we had him beat. He couldn't push us around the way he and his father had pushed Ashley. To deny Tilly the record deal would be discrimination and he knew it, plus he could see how talented she was. He had nowhere to go. He was sitting in a room full of out and proud gay people (yes Kyle is gay, I had met him for the first time at the Pride festival a few years ago) who wouldn't let him pressure Tilly into hiding. "We have a deal," Ethan said on a sigh.

I smiled at him thinly and said, "Wise choice Marks, Tilly is going to wow the world with her talent so much so that her sexuality won't matter a damn. There are a lot of talented _closeted_ singers that the same could be said for." I looked over at Eva who mouthed 'meow!' behind Ethan's back and I had to bit my lip to keep from laughing.

Ethan flashed me a strange look I couldn't really decipher before his expression became jovial again. I held in my self-satisfied grin, I felt that Ethan may not appreciate it. Kyle and Ethan discussed the contract and I tried to pay attention, but got lost in the legal speak. Kyle had worked as an entertainment lawyer for a while before deciding that managing artists and looking after their interests was more his thing. It made him a damn fine manager and I knew Tilly would be safe with him.

They made a few changes to the contract and then Tilly was handed a pen to sign it. She flashed me a huge grin before signing her name with a flourish. Eva beamed at me winked. I smiled warmly at Ethan and said, "Thank you Ethan, this is amazing."

Ethan chuckled, "It's my pleasure Spence, now let's get down to business and discuss some details about the soundtrack and our very talented singer here!"

Despite everything I trusted Ethan to help Tilly become a success. He was smart and spot on when it came to business, although I still felt that he had gotten it very wrong with Ashley. Although her album was rumoured to be doing well since the launch a few days ago, so you had to give him that. Even though it was probably more Ashley's talent than anything.

"Well I have a few artists signed on, mostly smaller, less known bands which I think works for the film. There are four songs that Tilly will be singing at this stage, I would like at least three of these on the soundtrack and I'll listen to those demos you gave me over the next couple of days and let you know what I think," I said as I scanned my notes in front of me.

"Perfect, that sounds great Spencer. I have the list of artists and songs here, we can start the procurement and copywrite negotiations and all that, I know you'll want to have this sorted before the post-production work starts so the music can be used in the film so we'll get right on it," Ethan promised.

I flashed him a smile and shuffled my papers before adjusting my glasses on my nose. We discussed all the details further and after another hour we got up to leave with all parties satisfied with the outcome. I was particularly happy.

I shook Ethan's hand and flashed him a friendly smile of thanks before gathering my things and walking out of the meeting room with Eva, Tilly and Kyle. We were all chattering excitedly, revelling in our success, when an all too familiar brunette stepped around the corner and almost crashed right into me.

Our eyes locked, brown melting into blue, as we met face to face for the first time since the morning we broke up. So many emotions were written on her face, mirroring the ones racing through my head at an alarming speed. I felt my face flush a deep crimson as her eyes continued to bore into mine.

I swallowed hard around the lump in my throat and was vaguely aware of Eva moving closer to me. I felt her hand rest itself comfortingly on the small of my back. Eva smiled at Ashley and said, "Hi Ashley, it's good to see you. Are you here for a meeting with Ethan?"

Ashley nodded numbly, her eyes still locked on mine. I felt as though she was seeing straight through me, like she was reading my every thought just by looking into my eyes. She looked tired, beautiful, but tired. I figured she'd probably gotten about as much sleep as I had since the break up, which isn't a hell of a lot.

Ashley raised a trembling hand and tucked some of her wild curls behind her ear. My fingers itched to be the ones touching her silky tresses, so much so I actually had to clench my hands into tight fists to stop them reaching out to her.

Eva stepped forward slightly and smiled kindly, "Well let me introduce you to these guys. Here we have Kyle Schultz and Tilly Kline, Kyle, Tilly this is Ashley Davies. We produced Ashley's music video."

Ashley tore her eyes from mine just long enough to shake hands with Tilly and Kyle. I noticed her jaw clench ever so slightly as she shook Tilly's hand, almost with jealousy. I guess seeing me walk out of my office with an arm around the younger woman was enough to bring out her jealous streak.

Eva gave my hip a squeeze before saying in an overly cheerful voice, "Well me, Tilly and Kyle are going to go get some coffees, Spencer we'll catch you at the car. It was great to see you Ashley."

Ashley smiled at the small blonde as Eva began ushering the others away. As she passed me Eva leaned in and whispered in my ear, "Talk to her Carlin." She flashed me a sweet smile of compassion before walking off with Tilly and Kyle.

I watched them leave and then turned my attention back to my ex-girlfriend as she stood awkwardly in front of me. I bit my lip and sighed loudly, making her jump a little. The silence between us was strained and tense. I cleared my throat and choked out around the lump in my throat, "Um hello Ashley, you ah, you look great." And she did, she was evidently tired and haunted somehow, but she still was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

Ashley smiled sadly and gazed at me with the most intense expression in her mocha eyes, "So do you Spencer. So uh, what brings you here?" It was the first time I had heard her voice, that wasn't a recording, since the break up and it cut through me. I had missed her so fucking much.

"Um I had a meeting with Ethan about the music and soundtrack for the film and a new singer, Tilly, I've been helping out. She's going to perform some songs I wrote for the film," I explained in a quiet, strained voice as I shuffled nervously with my feet.

"You write songs?" Ashley asked with a tiny smile on her face. God I had missed her smile.

I nodded and flashed her a tight smile of my own, "Yeah, when I'm inspired I can churn out some lyrics. I have some musician friends who help with melodies and what not and Tilly has been a big help with these songs. I really just write lyrics mostly."

"Tilly, uh she seems nice. I saw you guys together at the LALA awards, it was on T.V." Ashley said hesitantly.

I narrowed my eyes and scoffed, "Not that it's any of your business anymore, but Tilly and I are not together. She is just a friend and someone I work with. I met her through Harrison, who we met at our..."

"Our 2 month anniversary," Ashley finished in a tiny voice. I nodded and stared down at my hands, feeling too overwhelmed by my conflicting emotions to keep looking into her soulful eyes.

"Yeah..." I whispered. I cleared my throat and raised my eyes to meet hers which were still locked on me in an intense gaze. "So I got your letter and the album. I'm sorry I haven't been in touch..." I let my voice trail off.

Ashley smiled in understanding and murmured, "You've been busy I bet."

I frowned slightly and shook my head, "No that's not it, I mean I _have_ been busy, but that's not why I haven't contacted you. I wanted to and almost did a bunch of times, but I just couldn't. I wasn't ready. Um do you have time to talk, someplace that isn't a hallway?" I asked tentatively, knowing that we both needed a chance to say all the things we hadn't building up inside of us.

Ashley looked down at her watch and sighed regretfully, "I uh, I have a meeting now, but I could meet you later. Anywhere you want to go, at about 6 if that works for you?" she suggested hesitantly, almost like she expected me to shoot her down.

I nodded and flashed her a brief smile, "That would be ok. Can you come to the office? I have a meeting at 5, but it should be done by 6."

"Yeah I can do that, I'll see you at 6 then?" Ashley asked with a tiny, yet hopeful smile. I wasn't feeling as hopeful, but I was more than ready to have this long awaited conversation.

"Yep I'll see you then Ashley," I murmured. I started to walk away, biting my lip hard before I turned around and called out to her softly, "Ash."

She turned around to face me with a tentative, but hopeful expression on her beautiful face. I took a step closer to her and murmured softly, my voice cracking with emotion, "I just wanted to tell you that I loved your album. It was beautiful, moving and heartfelt. I have been listening to it on repeat since you sent it to me. It means a lot to me, really affected me and I just wanted you to know that. I'll see you at 6." I gave her a tiny hint of a smile and then turned and walked out.

I felt her eyes on me as I walked towards the elevators. Once I'd pressed the down button I turned to face her and watched as a single tear made its way down her face. I blinked back my own tears and raised my hand and pressed it against my heart. Ashley mirrored my movement. I smiled softly one last time and stepped into the elevator.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I was both excited and terrified of our coming conversation, but I knew we both needed it. I sighed as the elevator began its decent and ran a hand through my long blonde hair. Regardless of the outcome, tonight's conversation would be trying.


	30. Tête à tête

**Reviewers I am overwhelmed! Thank you.**

freakanatomy, hugbuddy13, shantaclair, LoveAsh87, agentfly, ashikinz – Thanks so much for your review, I hope you like this update.

slushhy – Tilly is used as an example of what Ashley could be like if she could let go of her fear. Conversation time…

2bz2breading – Thanks, I thought it was time some one stood up to Ethan. I like that we can respectfully agree to disagree. I am not trying to change your mind and I know you won't change mine, I'm firm in my thoughts about this topic. I have my reasons for my beliefs and they are from my experience. Thanks again.

ebonyedlove – Thank you, you'll have to read on to see what happens

mutt009, ilovemyself26 – Thought it was time for them to have a chat and sort out some things.

uluvme – Yep Ethan was well and truly defeated! Hehe you should know me better than that by now, I always draw out the drama lol

jsquare – I considered having Spencer let Ashley think she was with Tilly, but it didn't seem like something Spencer would do. This Spencer hates mind games. Thanks!

WillowOn3 – Ah you're back! Thanks for the novel length review hehe. I think Tilly's already got her claws into Evie, sorry! Ashley is not a weakling, she is just flawed. She has reasons for being this way and hey she's really got nowhere to go but up! Thanks for your kind words, made me smile!

shayer – Holding your breath huh? Well my work here is done lol. Ethan had it coming and it was fun to write. I wholeheartedly agree, until you are in that position of being on the proverbial ledge you can't understand what its like. I don't see it as selfish, desperate yes but not selfish. I will always be honest, I have nothing to hide. I am not ashamed of what I have been through, it got me here. I think you and I seem to think the same about a lot of things. Thanks my friend!

0A – TiVie! I love it! thanks for the awesome review

MrsMusgraveTNG – Hey Rock Star, thanks for the review! Of course I left a little cliff hanger, its what I do!

**Usual disclaimer, SoN not mine, Tilly, Eva and Harrison are though**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Thirty – Tête-à-tête**

Spencer's POV

It was about twenty past six and I was running late. I was almost _never _late, I hated it with a passion. Being late made me feel anxious and panicky and also kind of sweaty, but here I was about to have a conversation that could help me find out if me and Ashley ever have a chance to be together and I was running fucking late.

My five o'clock meeting had run long, I had met with the production designer, costume designer (Harrison), and our makeup/hair supervisor. We had gotten together to sort out the last minute details for filming and to make sure everything was on track. I had a good team behind me and I had faith in them, but there were little fires to be put out at the meeting that I had not anticipated so by the time it was done Ashley had been waiting in my office a long time.

I ran in to my office (not an easy task in four inch heels and with an arm load of folders and note books) apologising as I went, "I'm so sorry Ashley, my meeting ran later than expected. I'm sorry to keep you waiting."

Ashley got up from her seat on my sofa and took the arm load of crap out off me and placed it on my desk with a small smile, "It's ok Spencer, really it's no problem. I'm just so glad you wanted to meet up with me." I took a moment to take her in, to really take her in. She was wearing a tight pair of dark blue skinny jeans with a simple black tank top and a black leather jacket, which she shrugged off and threw over the arm rest of my sofa. She looked beautiful.

"Well I figured we had a fair bit to talk about after everything that has happened," I said softly as I slid my glasses off and plonked myself down in a chair across from my sofa. I gestured to the sofa and smiled briefly, "Have a seat."

Ashley sat down and fidgeted a little on the sofa. I raised a questioning eyebrow at her and she blushed a dark scarlet, "sorry it's just I was remembering the last time I was on this sofa, before today. It um involved you, me and a lot less clothing." I blushed almost as red as her and looked down at my hands as I swallowed audibly. Ashley sighed and said, "I'm sorry Spence, I shouldn't have brought that up."

I waved away her apology and raised my eyes to meet hers before flicking them back down to look at my hands that were clenched in my lap, "No it's ok, you were just being honest. It's just hard you know?"

"Yeah I know," She said softly. I looked up and let our eyes meet, seeing the same longing, lost look in her expression as I was feeling in mine. In that moment we understood each other perfectly. We both knew that we were feeling the same sadness and pain following our break up. There was some comfort in the fact I wasn't alone in my pain, there was someone else hurting just as much as I was.

I sighed and ran my hand through my long blonde hair, "So, um I guess I wanted to talk to you about the album. I um, I am not going to lie or sugar coat this for you, listening to that album has been a unique experience in torture for me. I loved it but when I listen to it I go from furious, to broken, to wistful, to hopeful within seconds. Each songs dregs up a series of memories that have been haunting me. I have wanted to call you so many times, but just couldn't bring myself to do it." I ran my hands over my face and rubbed my tired, stinging eyes.

Ashley went to speak, but I held up my hand to tell her to let me finish, "Some of the lyrics you wrote cut me so deeply it was like a physical blow, I almost expected them to draw blood. Like this one for instance, _Cause I want to hold you for all your days, Take my hand just let me show you the way, And I want to hold you lets make it right, Cause I'll be with you now for the rest of your life._ What was that Ashley? How could you sing that you want to be with me for the rest of my life when you are too scared to be with me now?"

Ashley went to speak, only to be cut off again, "And that's not all, _I'm sorry if I hide, I'm too afraid to look inside._ Why didn't you ever just admit to me that you were scared? You just hid behind the label when I know it is so much more than them keeping you closeted, fuck even back then I knew it was more than the label," Ashley went to speak again, but I was on a roll, I had a lot of anger and pain to unleash.

"No it's my turn to speak Ashley, I listened to the album and heard what you wanted to tell me so it's my turn now. Then you wrote me a song called More Than A Love Song, I don't want a love song from you unless you damn well mean it and I know you can't possibly mean it right now because you are what's keeping us apart. Oh and the song you wrote Always? While I love that song, its one of my favourites on the album, you got one thing very wrong Ashley. You sang _so here I am, I'm trying,_ but Ashley I can't see you trying at all. Sending me a letter and an album full of things you were too scared to say to my face is just not enough. Through out our rather short affair, and yes it was an affair it was hidden after all, you compromised nothing and at the end of the day sacrifice me so that your music career wouldn't suffer!" I yelled, furiously.

I saw Ashley swallow hard before she started to speak, "it wasn't like that Spencer. God I never wanted the album to hurt you. I guess it was my cowardly way of saying all the things I needed to say to you. I know I should have said it all to your face..."

I cut her off and spat out, "Then why didn't you?"

Ashley's lower lip trembled slightly and I saw tears fill her eyes, "Because I am a coward Spencer. I am the biggest coward and as a result I lost you."

I closed my eyes and clenched my hands into fists so tight my nails were digging painfully into my palms. I took a deep breath and replied in a husky, emotion filled voice, "Why Ashley, why are you so scared? What the hell happened to make you so afraid to love me?"

Ashley moved quickly off the sofa and knelt at my feet, clutching my hands in hers as she cried out in desperation, "Despite everything I was _never_ afraid to love you Spencer. There is a lot I was and am afraid of when it comes to our relationship, but loving you is not one of them."

I squeezed her hands tighter as the first tear trickled from my eyes and made it's way down my face, "Then why?" I choked out.

Ashley nodded and a look of resolve settled on her face. She squeezed my hands tightly, almost to the point of pain before getting up and starting to pace around my office. She bit her lip so hard I was expecting to see blood and turned back to face me. She walked over to the coffee table in front of me and sat down so that there were mere inches between us. She took my hands again and whispered, "I'll tell you why, because I saw what it did to my Dad."

I tilted my head in confusion and asked, "I don't understand, what are you talking about?"

Ashley let out a little bitter laugh which shook me to the core. She locked her eyes on mine and said in a voice tinged with sadness, "My father was gay Spencer and it's the reason he's dead."

I stared at her in complete shock, horror and confusion, "What the hell are you talking about?"

Ashley smiled bitterly and shook her head, "well the day I came out to my father he came out to me. He told me that he accepted me for who I was, but that he didn't want it to affect my future. He admitted to me that he had know about his own sexuality since he was about 13 and had hidden it his entire career. He married my Mom to defuse suspicion when a tabloid started questioning his bachelor status and close friendships with various men. Mom knew the whole time and was totally in it for the money. In exchange for her silence she got the money and prestige that came with being the wife of a rock legend and they both got to have their men on the side. He told me he had always wanted kids, which is how I was born. Nope my parents never had sex, not once in the entire time they were together. Mom was artificially inseminated. She never wanted a child and had to be well compensated for letting my father use her womb for 9 months. As for my half sister, Kyla, she was conceived on one of those drunken nights when my Dad was trying to run away from who he was."

Ashley stopped with her head bowed heavily, she looked so broken and fragile sitting before me. I moved my chair closer and held her hands tighter in mine, hoping to express that I was there for her. I was still in utter shock, I remembered hearing the rumours about Raife Davies' sexuality when I was in high school, but it had all gone away after his death so I never really thought it was real.

There was so much that I wanted to say to her, to comfort her, but I kept silent. It was her turn to talk.

Ashley cleared her throat before she continued, her voice raspier than normal with unshed tears. "Well anyway about a month before his death one of his former lovers sold his story to the press and before Dad's publicists or label could do anything about it things went insane. More men came forward and his record sales plummeted. He was getting hate mail from all these people calling him a homo and a disgrace. The media was constantly having digs at him. In short everyone turned on him. Even Mom, she never passed up an opportunity to call him a faggot or laugh in his face at the destruction of his perfect façade." Ashley stopped as her tears started falling.

Without thinking I pulled her across onto my lap and into my embrace. I couldn't bear to see her hurting so badly, it tore me up inside. I cradled her against me like she was a child, soothingly stroking her silky hair as she clung desperately to me. I murmured anything and everything I could think of to make her feel better. I placed a tender kiss against her forehead, closing my eyes as I drank in the scent of her, the sensation of her in my arms.

I felt her body tense for a moment and then relax completely against me. Her face was buried in the crook of my neck with her body pressed against me, circled by my arms. I ran my hand up and down her back, comforting her as best I could. We sat like that for a long time until her tears stopped and she was just sniffling a lot. I smoothed her hair back from her face and cupped her cheeks as I gazed into her intoxicating brown eyes, "I'm so sorry Ashley." I whispered.

"Why are you sorry Spence? You have nothing to be sorry for," She choked out.

"I'm sorry for what happened with your Dad," I murmured.

She smiled sadly and sighed, "It was after the scandal broke, about four weeks, when my Dad's label dropped him. Do you know who my Dad's label was?"

A look of realisation settled over my face as I breathily said, "Marks Records."

Ashley nodded and smiled resentfully, "Marks Records. Ethan Senior was a friend of my Dad's and yet he dropped him from the label the second the scandal became too big to contain or discredit. My Dad killed himself four days later. He gassed himself in his car in our garage, Mom found him and I don't think it affected her in anyway. She always has been a cold hearted bitch," Ashley gritted her teeth as rage coloured her face.

She took a deep breath as if to calm herself before continuing, "The day before he died my Dad came into my room and told me that he should have listened to Ethan Senior, that he had always steered him right and that if he had listened and done what the label president said and been more discreet then his life wouldn't have fallen apart. He told me that while he wanted me to be who I was, he didn't want that at the expense of my future and me achieving my dreams. Then he told me he loved me more than anything and left. It was the last time I saw him alive."

I ran my hand in circles on her back in a vain attempt to provide some comfort. I felt sick, confused, guilty and angry. I was furious at Raife Davies for making his daughter think her sexuality was something to be ashamed of and something to be hidden. I was angry at him for making her think that the only way she could succeed and not end up like him was to hide herself and listen to ignorant bastards like Ethan Senior and his son.

I also felt angry at Ashley, she had seen what the life of hiding could do to someone and yet she still hid herself from the world. I felt sick that Ashley had lived through all that and I felt guilty because I had constantly pushed her to come out. Had I known what had happened with her father I never would have pushed so hard, sadly knowing me I probably still would have pushed a little.

I swallowed hard and whispered, "I'm so sorry Ashley. Had I known about your Dad and all of that I never...God I never would have put so much pressure on you to come out. Fuck I am so sorry."

Ashley wrapped her arms around me and held me tight, still snuggled up on my lap, and murmured, "Don't you dare apologise. You didn't know and that is on me. I know you Spencer and I know you wouldn't have pushed if you'd known. I also know that you pushing me to come out was because you wanted me to be happy. You wanted me to be happy and at peace with who I am and I love you for that. I should have told you what went down with my Dad, it would have made everything clearer. I should have been honest with you. I'm sorry."

I nodded and held her closer, "Why are you with a label that treated your Dad so badly?" I asked tentatively.

Ashley sighed tiredly and slid off my lap to retake her seat on the coffee table. She looked up and locked her gaze on mine before responding, "I was waiting for you to ask me that question. Simply it's because they never steered my Dad wrong. Yes they are ignorant, homophobic people, well Ethan senior is, Ethan Junior really just does what his Dad tells him to do, but they know the industry better than anyone and have a reputation for making phenomenal music. They offered me a producer/song writer job right out of college and then gave me my shot to have a music career of my own. My Dad always told me I should listen to Mr. Marks and that's what I did."

I nodded and carefully considered my response to that, "Ok, I get that, but I guess I just don't see how it can be worth it to achieve your dream while having to hide a huge part of who you are because of the ignorance and bigotry of an old man. After hearing what happened to your Dad I get why you're so scared to come out publicly, but it makes me sad to see you hide who you are from the world, that's all. It's been ten years since that all happened with your Dad, being out now is different than it was then. I don't want to see you live your life closeted like he did."

Ashley bit her lower lip and looked down at the ground with the most melancholy expression on her face that I had ever seen. She looked so confused. She kept her eyes on the ground as she spoke, "I know all that and God I wish I was ready to scream it from the roof tops that I'm gay, because I know there can't be an us until we can be together in the open. I know I can't ask you to hide anymore. I _love_ you Spencer, so much so it is literally killing me to be apart from you, but I won't ask you to hide again. I just need time."

I got to my feet and walked over to the window to look out into the night. I sighed heavily and leaned my forehead against the cool glass. I felt her presence behind me well before she slipped her arms around my waist and held me tight. I closed my eyes and let my senses get drowned in her. God I had missed her so much.

I took a breath to steady myself, to strengthen my resolve. After hearing about her father I certainly understood her better and had I known at the time it would have changed things for us while we were together, but for where we were now it didn't change a damn thing.

Keeping my back to her I said hoarsely, "you know I want you, but I just can't take hiding. You know I love you, but I'm in this for keeps, this is real and I don't want to play games. Although I need you, we're not gonna make it if we have to hide. You know I want to be with you, but I'm in too deep here and it will kill me to have to hide again. If you need time take it."

I took a moment to breathe deeply to try to calm down a little. I rested my forehead against the cool glass again and tried to memories the feeling of her presence behind me for when I didn't have her there any more.

I kept my eyes closed as I continued to speak, "I love you Ashley Davies and I don't doubt that you love me too. I miss you, every day I miss you. Every morning when I wake up I have to force myself to keep going, to function, when everything in me screams for me to hide away and succumb to the pain and loneliness I feel all the time. I hate it, missing you is exhausting." I felt her grip around my waist tighten as she rested her face against my back. I could feel the wetness of her tears as they soaked through my dress and it brought a fresh wave of tears to my eyes. I sighed again and turned slowly in her arms.

I looked down at her, blue locked on brown, both of us crying unashamedly. I cupped her face in my hands and lowered my lips to hers. I kissed her softly and tenderly. It was a chaste kiss, brief, but still overwhelming. I pulled back and stroked her tear stained cheeks with the pads of my thumbs. She looked up at me with a look of pure love mixed with intense fear and sadness.

I smiled gently down at her and whispered, "As much as I love you Ashley, I can't be with you if it means we have to hide and you know that. I can't live through that again. Now knowing what you went through with your father I understand why you are so scared, but I can't keep sacrificing my feelings to accommodate that fear. I want to help you through this, but I know that no one can do that but you. What I will say to you is that when you are ready for me, for us, then come and find me because I will be waiting. Until then…" I let my voice trail off as I stepped back out of her arms.

Ashley's lower lip trembled as tears ran in torrents down her face, she swallowed thickly and husked out, "Until then." She stepped forward and kissed me on the cheek before whispering in my ear, "I love you and I'm so sorry. Give me time and I'll be the woman you need me to be." She stepped away from me and picked up her jacket and bag before walking from the room.

I slid down the wall and fell in a heap on my floor as sobs shook my body. It wasn't long before Eva was by my side holding me in her arms as I cried. God I was so sick of crying, but it didn't look like I was going to be stopping anytime soon.

Eva helped me up and led me to the sofa before disappearing into her office and coming back with a bottle of good white wine. As we drank I told her what had happened with Ashley, relaying the whole conversation to her. Once I was finished and the bottle was empty Eva smiled at me and said in a voice full of conviction, "You won't be waiting in vain, she will be ready for your relationship."

I looked up at her and asked softly, "You really think so?"

Eva chuckled a little and hugged me to her, "Carlin, I know so."


	31. I Will Survive

**Reviewers are awesome!**

ebonyedlove, LoveAsh87, hugbuddy13, mutt009 – The talk was long past due and had to happen. Thanks so much!

freakanatomy, darkangeleyes23 – Thank you so very much

shayer – Thank you! I wanted to leave it on a hopeful note. I haven't been in the situation, but have had my moments of crying so much I thought I'd run out of tears. You're right though, you never really do. I am enjoying our conversations too, its always great to find someone with a similar mind to mine. Thanks again.

2bz2breading – Thank you. Spencer is a strong person and she wasn't going to compromise again. It means a lot that you think I'm expressing the emotions well, I often second guess myself on that.

sballchica7 – Thank you, this was a starting point for them so we'll see what happens.

uluvme – Yeah more tears, I am mean to our girls. Yep Raife was with Marks, it is messed up that Ashley signed with them too. Evie is pretty special, especially in the coming chapter!

Harley Quinn Davidson – Aw thanks! That means a lot.

WillowOn3 – No stalling, just letting things take their course lol. Ah right so no tears for you, I got it. Spencer wasn't angry about the songs, well not all of them. I think her emotions were complex and complicated. Have faith my friend!

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine, yep it sucks for me too!**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Thirty-One – ****I Will Survive**

Spencer's POV

I heard a frantic, and rather annoying, knocking on my front door and padded out to open it reluctantly. It was the day after my conversation with Ashley and I was still feeling a little fragile to say the least.

I had gone into work, with a monster hang over FYI, only to leave at lunchtime to mope at home. I was giving myself an afternoon to fall apart before I had to get back to the world.

I ambled to the door and swung it open to find Eva, Tilly and Harrison standing on my door step with some huge shopping bags full of unidentified objects and wide, almost creepy, grins on their faces. I arched my eyebrow questioningly at them and asked, "What the hell are you guys doing here?"

I think Eva was the designated spokesperson because Harrison unashamedly shoved her forward while Tilly nodded at her to answer my question.

Eva grinned up at me, making me roll my eyes, and spoke, "Well my beautiful best friend we are here as your official pick-me-up-posse! We are here to eat junk food," Tilly raised the shopping bags in her hands, "Watch movies," Harrison raised the bag in one of his hands, "Do girly shit like facials," Harrison squealed excitedly and raised the bag in his other hands, "And most importantly to just be there for you…with some angry rock music, sappy love songs, mopey lost love songs and some rocking empowerment songs…whatever you need." Eva raised the bag in her own hand, which I could see was full of cds.

A look of mischief crossed Eva's face and she grinned evilly at Harrison and Tilly before they all burst out in song, "What you need, baby _we_ got it. What you want, you know _we_ got it!"

I raised my hand to stop the madness and a reluctant chuckle escaped my lips, "Ok you lot, come on in." They all bounded into the house like excited puppies, each planting a kiss on my cheek as they passed me. I would have to be made of stone to resist them. I am really lucky to have such great friends.

We headed first to the kitchen so they could dazzle me with the array of high calorie goodness they'd brought around. First out of the bag was several bags of Doritos (my absolute favourite), then we had a heap of Hershey's chocolate bars, two tubs of ice cream (which Tilly quickly put in the freezer), marshmallows, microwave popcorn, then all the necessary ingredients for nachos and finally more bags of Starburst than I could count.

"I'm impressed guys, this is quite a spread," I said with a smile, the first genuine one I had worn on my face since my conversation with Ashley the night before.

"Yeah we are pretty fucking talented aren't we?" Eva said with a smirk. I rolled my eyes and wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

I glanced around my kitchen and three people who had come to mean a hell of a lot of me and smiled warmly, "Thank you guys."

They all beamed back at me and three different variations of 'you're welcome' came at me. I chuckled and scooped up a bag of Doritos so I could start munching. With a mouth full of corn chippy goodness I led the troops into my living room to let them begin trying to cheer me up.

After laughing our way through Forgetting Sarah Marshall, awwing our way through 13 Going On 30 (and yes we did all get up and do the 'Thriller' dance, that shit is epic!), crying our way through The Notebook (that one was not a good idea in my present state of mind, by the end of the movie I was sobbing about how I would never find a love like that) and finally screaming (well Harrison and Eva screamed, Tilly and I laughed at them) through Sorority Row it was time for the facials and other girly shit.

"Spencer I swear if you move you hand one more time I am going to put nail polish on your fucking face!" Eva threatened, causing me to pout and the others to laugh. Eva was trying to paint my nails and Harrison kept making me laugh, which made me move, which made my hands move. Eva was not the most patient person in the world in case you hadn't picked up on that.

"Sorry Evie, but its Harrison's fault!" I said, dobbing him in. Harrison looked at me shocked before flashing Eva a guilty smile when she glared at him. Tilly just laughed at the three of us, cheeky young thing!

"Eva I swear I did not do anything! This is all little Miss Carlin's fault," Harrison declared. I stuck my tongue out at him and he flipped me off, both of us beaming like idiots.

"Damn and I thought I was supposed to be the young one here!" Tilly interjected, still laughing mind you. To clarify I Eva and I are both 27, Harrison is 31 and Tilly has just turned 24. So really Harrison is the old one, I'm in the middle and therefore not old!

"Hey! We are not _that_ old!" Harrison cried out all offended. I have to say he in no way looks 31…I must find out his secret!

"Sure you're not Harry, sure you're not!" Tilly teased, laughing when he pouted and crossed his arms over his muscular chest.

"Ok children enough of that, and Spence blow on your nails while Harrison gets your facial mask ready," Eva ordered. I rolled my eyes and did as she asked. Harrison jogged off to the kitchen to put together his homemade facial mask, bastard wouldn't tell us what was in it.

Tilly moved closer to me and Eva and held out her hand, "Ok Eva, my turn."

Eva smirked and took the younger woman's hand in hers. She ran her fingers slowly over Tilly's short, neat nails. I rolled my eyes, those two were so going to end up together…as long as it wasn't in my house we were all good.

"Hmm I think red?" Eva purred.

"Ok that works for me, now get to work Reynolds!" Tilly ordered with a smirk. I grinned and leant back against the sofa, still blowing on the drying nail polish covering my nails. Those two were so hot for each other.

Harrison came back in and soon I had a face full of this lumpy, gross smelling crap that he swore would make me look years younger. I was starting to doubt him, that stuff was all itchy and smelt truly revolting.

"So Spencer, truth or dare?" Eva asked randomly, never looking up from Tilly's nails.

I looked at her incredulously, "Are you 12 Evie? Really? Truth or dare?"

"Yes bitch, truth or dare, now pick one or you'll have to do one of each!" Eva demanded, still not taking her eyes off the hand she was working on, or the woman attached to it.

I rolled my eyes (I'd been rolling my eyes so much I was beginning to wonder if they would roll out of my head) and replied, "Fine, dare and you had better be nice to me Eva Evelyn Reynolds!"

Tilly and Harrison laughed when Eva got a really evil looking smirk on her face, "Would I ever make you do something awful?"

My eyes widened as I looked at her in disbelief, "Um hell yes you would! Do you not remember that party at Henry Douglas' place in sophomore year?"

Eva giggled and nodded. Harrison and Tilly looked back and forth between us eagerly, "Oh come now one of you has to tell us that story!"

I shook my head vehemently, "no way in hell."

Eva smirked, "Don't worry one of us will get her to ask for truth later and then we'll get her to tell us, or we just get her wasted and it will all come out. Anyway as for your dare Carlin, I dare you to put on that Jessica Rabbit Halloween costume you have and go down to the liquor shop and get us a few bottles of wine," on everyone's looks, "What I forgot the wine and this is a great way for us to get some!" Tilly and Harrison nodded, both grinning far too excitedly for my liking.

I glared at Eva and mouthed, "I hate you!" Eva blew me a kiss and Harrison started wiping the gunk off my face. Once I was all clean I got to my feet and stomped huffily down to my bedroom. I knew I should have thrown out that damn costume!

Five minuets later I stomped back out of my room in a very tight, strapless red sequinned dress with my blonde hair tucked up under a red wig. I was teetering around on outrageously high heels and scowling hatefully at all of them as they practically wet their pants laughing at me. I shook my head, "This is so fucking embarrassing!"

"Yeah I know, hence why it's a dare, now off you go Mrs. Rabbit!" Eva ordered with a smirk. I was so going to get her back later. She would pay, I promise you that.

I returned five minutes later, my face beet red and my scowl still in place. "I hate you Eva, I ran into one of our old college professors! Oh and the liquor store guy kept asking me to let him take a photo with me. I had to let him coz he wasn't letting me leave, we did get an extra bottle of wine though." By the time I'd finished my little rant the other three were holding their sides and crying with laughter.

"You guys suck!" I said with a pout as I threw my red wig at Harrison and kicked my heels at Tilly and Eva. Before bursting out laughing myself. I could still hear them cackling away as I got changed out of that oh so uncomfortable dress.

Once the laughter died down and I was changed back into my sweats and a hoodie I turned to Harrison with an evil smirk, "Ok Harry, truth or dare."

Harrison gulped a little before choking out, "Uh I guess tru…no dare, dare!"

I grinned, "Oh how I was hoping you'd say that!" Harrison looked a little like he was going to cry, I don't blame him I am one scary bitch. "Ok so Harrison you dare is to eat some of that crap you smeared all over our faces."

Harrison looked so mortified and grossed out that the rest of us all cracked up. Harrison glared at us and asked, "So what happens if I don't do the dare?"

I smirked evilly over at Eva who flashed me a look just as evil, "Well should you decline the dare then you have to be our little slave boy for the rest of the night, while wearing the Jessica Rabbit costume."

Eva raised her eye brow and nodded appreciatively, "Nice Carlin, very nice." Tilly was laughing so hard by this stage tears were pouring from her eyes.

Harrison looked dejectedly into the bowl of his homemade face crap, I knew there had to be something gross in there if he wasn't telling us the ingredients. I guess this was his punishment for putting the goop on our faces without being honest about its contents.

"Fine, I'll eat the face crap. You're one evil bitch Sweet Pea," Harrison said with a pout.

"Aw don't be like that Harry, and you don't have to eat it all just a table spoon," I cooed in a very condescending tone, earning me a glare from Harry and chuckles from the others.

Harrison reluctantly scooped up a spoon of the gunk and raised it to his lips. I saw him swallow hard before very hesitantly opening his mouth to take his first bite. His facial expression and whole body wince was hilarious and resulted in me, Eva and Tilly all rolling around on the floor laughing hysterically.

By the time Harrison had finished the spoon of face crap he was a lovely green colour and holding his stomach. It was pretty freaking funny. Once he got his gag reflex under control he turned to Tilly with a smirk, "Ok Til truth or dare?"

Tilly gulped noticeably and bit her lip, "Um truth I guess, we haven't had a truth yet."

Harrison grinned like the cat that got the canary and cackled evilly, "Well ok then, Tilly Kline would you be so kind as to tell us the story of you and the professor at UCLA?"

Tilly looked mortified, shooting a glance over at Eva which made me giggle to myself, she clearly cared very much about Eva's opinion of her. Harrison and I laughed quietly while Eva just looked intrigued.

Tilly sighed and murmured, "Fine I'll tell the story, but please keep in mind I was 19 and very, very stupid."

"Tilly don't be embarrassed, whatever you did I'm sure it's not nearly as bad as some of the shit Eva pulled back in our days at UCLA!" I announced, making Tilly and Harrison laugh and Eva glare. I just shrugged, I still owed her for the Jessica Rabbit dare.

Tilly smiled and rolled her eyes, "Oh alright then. Ok so I was in my sophomore year at UCLA studying music. I had this class, it was music appreciation and we had a new professor. She was hot, not gonna lie about that. She was tall had long dirty blonde hair and these huge brown eyes and oh my God her figure was smoking!" Tilly looked over at Eva, who had the faintest look of jealousy on her face. There was _so_ something going on there.

"Uh well anyway the second I saw I her I just had to have her. I started volunteering to help her out after class in the music library. It was just the two of us and a room full of the most incredible music I had ever heard. She told me all about her time travelling with a stage show orchestra and her time spent living in Italy. She had lived the greatest life. One afternoon we were working in the music library as per usual and she leaned over and kissed me," Tilly paused when a grinding sound started to over take what she was saying.

We all turned to Eva to find her gritting her teeth. She looked around at us and mumbled, "Sorry."

Tilly smirked a little and continued her story, "So she kissed me and then next thing I know she has my top off and has me laid out on a desk. It wasn't long before we were both naked and, uh getting rather intimate when we heard a loud thump. She climbed off me so fast she ended up on her ass on the floor, which made my immature self laugh. We looked over to where the thump had come from and found one of the other music professors passed out cold on the floor."

I caught Harrison's eyes and we both laughed, Eva on the other had had yet to see the funny side of this story. Tilly smiled self-deprecatingly at us before continuing the story, "we then had a very hurried conversation while we threw our clothes back on and watched the unconscious professor to make sure he didn't wake up. We figured out that all he had seen was her naked back on top of me, from the angel he came in there was no way he could have seen our faces. We slipped very carefully out of the room and ran down the hall. The next day I walked passed the music library and found a big sign posted on the door that read 'This is not a hotel room, please only use this room for the purposes for which it was built.' They also installed security cameras in there too. After our little near miss my professor ended our affair and left the college later in the year to move back to Italy with her _husband_."

Me and Harrison were holding onto each other as we laughed. Eva was trying very hard not to smile. I think she was almost proud in a way. It was definitely something Eva would have (and probably did do) in her college days.

"Ok Tilly that was a good one, your turn now my dear," I said with a beaming smile, little chuckles still coming from me.

Tilly smirked over at Eva, but it was more of a seductive smirk than an evil one. Eva swallowed hard and a faint blush coloured her cheeks. Man I was going to have fun teasing her about that later! Tilly leaned forward, brining her face close to Eva's as she purred, "So Eva, truth or dare?"

Eva gulped and stuttered, "Uh…da…dare?"

"Is that a question or are you telling me you chose dare?" Tilly asked coyly.

Eva blushed harder, making me and Harrison chuckle behind her back, and replied in a husky voice, "I choose dare."

Tilly's smirk widened and her eyes flashed evilly, "Hmm well that works out just perfectly then. Eva _Evelyn_ Reynolds, I dare you to kiss me."

Eva's mouth dropped open and her eyes widened comically. Harrison and I were leaning forward expectantly, both with huge smiles on our faces. Eva hesitates, licking her dry lips while her eyes flicked back and forth between Tilly's lips and her eyes. The hesitation was a good thing, it meant that Eva really cared about Tilly, if she didn't she wouldn't have cared and would have just kissed her all ready.

Tilly leaned forward a little more, bringing her lips within an inch of Eva's and whispered seductively, "I dare you to kiss me."

Eva looked into Tilly's eyes once more and then closed the gap between them to press her lips against the younger woman's. Harrison and I awwed loudly and clapped obnoxiously until they broke apart to glare at us.

We figured after that there was no better dare so Eva decided it was time to put on some music and eat ice cream. We listened to some great rock songs, with just enough angst in them to make me feel and then a song came on that had Harrison jumping to his feet and dragging me with him. Harrison turned to me with a smirk and started to sing.

"At first I was afraid, I was petrified  
Kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side  
Then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong  
And I grew strong  
And I learned how to get along"

Eva and Tilly got to their feet and surrounded us. All three of them dancing crazily and belting out the lyrics while I stood self-consciously in the centre of them and blushed a lot.

"And so you're back from outer space  
I just walked in to find you here, with that sad look upon your face  
I should have changed that stupid lock  
I should have made you leave your key  
If I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me"

Eva nudged me and Harrison grabbed my hips to get me to move. I closed my eyes and then opened them to start belting out the lyrics as loudly as I could to cheers and applause from my friends who continued to dance around me.

"Go on now, go walk out the door  
Just turn around now  
'Coz you're not welcome anymore  
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?  
Did you think I'd crumble?  
Did you think I'd lay down and die?

Oh no not I, I will survive  
For as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive  
I've got all my life to live  
And I've got all my love to give  
I'll survive  
I will survive  
Hey hey

I started strutting around my living room, picking up my remote to use as an impromptu microphone. I put a lot of sway into my hips and threw my head back as I tore into the lyrics of the ultimate female empowerment song ever.

"It took all the strength I had not to fall apart  
Just trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart  
And I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself  
I used to cry, but now I hold my head up high  
And if you see me, with somebody new  
I'm not that chained up little person still in love with you  
And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free  
But now I'm savin' all my lovin' for someone who's lovin' me

Go on now, go walk out the door  
Just turn around now  
You're not welcome anymore  
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?  
Did you think I'd crumble?  
Did you think I'd lay down and die?

Oh no not I, I will survive  
Oh as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive  
I've got all my life to live  
And I've got all my love to give  
I'll survive  
I will survive  
Hey hey

As I prepared to launch into the last chorus I jumped up onto my coffee table (thank God it's sturdy!) and struck a very diva pose. The others all stood beside the table, still dancing crazily and singing along with me. I threw all my emotion into the last chorus and absolutely belted it out, it was off key I'll admit, but it felt incredible.

"Go now, go walk out the door  
Just turn around now  
'Coz you're not welcome anymore  
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?  
Did you think I'd crumble?  
Did you think I'd lay down and die?

Oh no not I, I will survive  
Oh as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive  
I've got all my life to live  
And I've got all my love to give  
I'll survive  
I will survive  
I will survive"

As I finished the last line I raised my hand over my head and then bowed to my cheering and clapping friends. Harrison scooped me up in his arms, making me giggle and dropped me on the sofa as we all laughed and snuggled up together (with Eva and Tilly literally in each other's laps, it was too sweet). I was so damn lucky to have them. I think I could survive anything as long as I had my awesome friends by my side.

---------

**Song used in this chapter:**

**I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor**


	32. Mass Media

**Love to reviewers, I just wanna fly around the world giving you all hugs...hmm that's not weird is it?**

LoveAsh87, freakanatomay, DarceLynn, mutt009, 2bz2breading, ebonyedlove, momo0424 – Thanks for reviewing!

Hotcutii3, Haley Quinn Davidson – Yeah Spencer has awesome friends, I want them! Thanks for reviewing

shayer – Truth or Dare can be dangerous lol. My friends are more like yours I have to say, although I have one who can be a little like Spencer's. I figured Tilly needed to make the first move, Eva liked her too much to actually go after her! Thanks!

uluvme – Thanks, I thought it would be good to ease the tension with some humour! I figured if I got Evie and Tilly kissing at least there would be _some_ kissing going on. Actually the song was the inspiration for this chapter. It came on my Ipod and the chapter came from that.

0A – Thanks! Tilly and Eva will definitely feature more

Coachkimm – Glad you like it, hope you like how it ends up!

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine...Evie, Tilly and Harry are though**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Thirty-Two – Mass Media**

"And cut! Great, thanks let's move onto Jean's cover," I called out with a grin. I was on the set of my film, now into day three of filming. So far it was all going extremely well, and it was doing the vital task of keeping me occupied so I didn't sit around thinking about Ashley.

Our conversation in my office a week earlier was playing on my mind. I could see, hear and feel everything that had happened in that office as though I was living it again. I meant what I had said to her, I would wait until she was ready. I just hoped that I wasn't waiting forever.

I know some people would judge me for waiting for her, think me a doormat or something like that. I don't think that was the case at all. What I know is that I could not even begin to consider moving on until I wasn't so in love with her. Those feelings were not going away anytime soon and I owed it to myself to give her time and not push my heart into moving on when it just didn't want to. I love her and that wasn't something I could change.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up into Eva's sympathetically smiling face. I reached up to squeeze the hand on my shoulder and gave her a grin. Eva moved to take a seat beside me, "How are you Carlin?"

I shrugged with a wry smile, "I'm getting by Reynolds.'

"Ah right and by that you mean..." Eva prompted. I should have known she would not settle for such an ambiguous answer. She always was a pushy little thing, gotta love her for it.

I sighed and smiled over at her, "By that I mean I'm doing ok, not great but ok. Call me stupid, call me a glutton for punishment, but I have faith in her."

Eva grinned kindly at me. She didn't need to ask which her I was referring to, I would kind of worry about her IQ if she did. I put my head set back on and glanced down at the monitor to check out the shot for the next cover. I gave the director of photography a thumbs up and got to my feet, "Ok everyone, we're ready for Jean's cover. If I could get you all in your places please. Oh and Jean, please remember to glance down frequently, you are avoiding her eyes because you know that they hold so much power over you. Ok everyone ready?"

My assistant, who was also our new intern from UCLA, Gemma stepped in front of the camera with the marker before calling out, "Ok quiet on set everyone!"

I smiled at the young red head and called, "Ok marker."

Gemma grinned excitedly, even after three days on set she was still very excited to be working with what she termed, 'the clappy thingy.' She held open the marker and announced, "Scene 12 alpha, take one!" she clapped shut the marker and stepped out of shot.

I glanced around and smirked before calling out, "Action!" I loved the feeling of calling action, it was such a high. God I loved my job!

This shot was an important one. As I'm sure you are well aware, films are not shot in sequence. This scene was from towards the middle of the film and depicted our lead actresses coming face to face with each other for the first time since Adrian had denied her love for Isabel when her parents found them in bed together when they we in high school.

Our leads had been best friends and then fallen for each other and had dated secretly. Once they were caught together Adrian had blamed Isabel for everything, letting her parents tell her she was corrupted by the other girl. Adrian's parents told the entire town that Isabel had manipulated their daughter into participating in 'lesbian activities' and then packed up their family and left.

Isabel had been left to face the bigotry and ridicule of this small town alone, shouldering all the hatred and ignorance, including her own family. Isabel, played by my friend Jean Learner, was being faced with the girl who broke her heart and made her young life so lonely and painful. This scene was so essential to the plot of the film.

A few hours of filming later and it was time to hit up the food services table, which due to our extremely low budget consisted of a selection of salads, sandwiched and fruit that Tilly and Eva had very graciously put together after they had pried themselves off each other. The day before the food table had consisted of PB&J sandwiches and potato chips courtesy of yours truly, not the most inspired lunch option I'll grant you, but I was pressed for time.

The food situation was going to be resolved as of tomorrow though, my Dad and older brother Glen were coming to visit from Ohio for a while. Glen had just gotten a job locally, coaching basketball at the local high school. They were coming out to look at houses and stuff before Glen's wife and kids joined them. Dad I think was coming to check on me.

My Mom would not be joining them. She hated L.A. and refused to ever come back here. You see we lived in L.A. when I was a kid, but moved to Ohio when my brother Clay was killed in a car accident about 19 years ago. My family has never been the same since. My mother was working herself to death and hasn't spoken more than ten words to me in a year. Let's just say she wasn't so happy that a) I chose to move back to the city where we lost Clay and b) that her only daughter flies the rainbow flag.

My Dad on the other hand had an air of sadness around him all the time. He tried so hard to hold us together as a family and to try and make everyone feel loved and safe. But he was fighting a losing battle. After Clay my Mom shut down and withdrew into herself and her work. She was an ER surgeon and I think she saw Clay in every patient she treated which made her determined to save them all. She pulled away from us all, especially Dad. He was a great man and I adored him. He gave so much of himself to everyone else, I often wondered who looked after him. I worried about my Dad, I really did.

I smiled as I glanced over at Eva who was giggling at her phone, my guess is she had a text message from Tilly. Those two had been dancing around each other all week, flirting outrageously and I had caught them making out like horny teenagers in the editing suite at the office, the second bathroom at my house and, shudder, on my bed (the last one did not thrill me very much to say the least).

I felt a presence behind me and turned around to see Harrison looking at me with the strangest expression on his face. He had a newspaper in his hands and was fidgeting nervously from foot to foot. I smiled up at him and tilted my head, "What's going on Harry, you're looking all weird. Did Brittany have another spaz attack and go all Felicity on her hair again?" I teased.

Harrison didn't even rise to my Brittany dig, which told me he was deathly serious. I felt my smile fade from my face and become a frown of concern. "Harry what's wrong?" I asked, my voice sounding panicked, even to my own ears.

Harrison bit his lip and held out the newspaper to me. I took it, confused and unfolded it to see the page he wanted me to look at. I let out a gasp and felt the air expel violently from my stunned body. I opened and closed my mouth a few times before sliding on my glasses to make sure I was reading it right.

The page had a large picture of Ashley. She looked beautiful. She was sitting in her own living room, I'd recognise the place anywhere in fact she was sitting on the sofa we had had sex on once or maybe five times, and laughing at something. Her head was thrown back and her eyes twinkled with mirth as her wild curls cascaded over her shoulders. She was wearing black skinny jeans with a white shirt on over a black bra. The shirt only had two buttons done up so it left her sculpted abs and cleavage on show. Her skin looked silky smooth, which I knew for a fact it was, and a gorgeous bronze colour. I had to check my lip for any signs of drool before I re-read the headline.

_Davies and Dennison Part Ways_. Was standing out clear as day on the printed page. I swallowed hard and glanced up at Harrison who looked down at me with understanding and empathy all over his face. I sighed and started to read the accompanying article.

_Ashley Davies has confirmed that she and Aiden Dennison are no__t dating. In an exclusive interview with this reporter Davies advised that Dennison, the Lakers starting point guard, is one of her best friends and that's all he ever will be. She expressed her love and happiness that Dennison is a part of her life, but advised that romantically there is nothing between them._

_When asked about the statement issued by her management team when it was reported that she was in a relationship with out and proud lesbian director Spencer Carlin, saying that she was in a happy committed relationship with the basketball star, Davies advised that as much as she loves Aiden, it was not there between them romantically, something Davies advises she had known for a while._

"_Aiden Dennison is one of the best people I know. He is kind, generous, sweet, funny and compassionate. He would truly do anything to help you out. I have known him since we were kids and he is family to me. He is a wonderful guy and I count myself lucky I get to call him my friend," Davies said._

_Dennison declined an interview, but did say that he cares deeply about Davies and is lucky to have her as a friend. He expressed his pride in her recent achievements and is quoted as saying, "Ashley Davies is going to change the world one day and she doesn't even know it."_

_Davies has remained stoic when asked about Carlin, merely advising that she is fortunate to have had the opportunity to meet and get to know the director. She advised that Carlin's talent is only out-stripped by her stunning looks and beautiful personality. "Spencer is a wonderful woman, a fabulous director and an amazing human being. She is strong, confident, full of integrity and class and she is a role model to all women out there, gay, straight or bisexual. I admire her so much. The world could use a lot more Spencer Carlins," Davies advised._

_When asked when exactly she and Dennison broke up and the reasons behind it Ashley remained vague, simply advising this reporter that she had a very emotional conversation with someone she admires and cares deeply about recently and it opened her eyes to some things and inspired her to start being truthful and to stop hiding._

_The vague responses, the lack of detail about the relationship with Dennison and the extreme affection and admiration__ Davies has displayed for Spencer Carlin beg the question whether those rumours may have had some truth to them. Also for anyone who has listened to Davies' album the deliberate shying away from any specific gender nouns is quite telling. Lines in the songs are, as a rule, ambiguous and could be applied to either gender. However, there are specific lines that would imply that the inspiration for these songs was more than likely a woman. For example, 'I miss your silky smooth face against mine' from her song Lost. I have to say I don't know many men who have 'silky smooth' faces. _

_The debut album from the daughter of Raife Davies is brilliant, moving and sincere regardless of what gender it is directed at. It tells a story of love, loss and hope, but it does beg the question, who inspired the magical lyrics? By her own admission there is nothing romantic between Davies and Dennison so it is doubtful the heartfelt lyrics are about the basketball star. Could it be that the songs are about Spencer Carlin? Either way it does not appear to be negatively impacting Davies career in anyway, rather the sales of her single and album are continuing to climb steadily._

_Davies debut single, Common Ground, has been sitting at number 1 for several weeks now and the video is still the most played on MTV. Her eagerly anticipated second single is due for release at the Marks Records showcase being held at Honorary in L.A.__ The world is eagerly awaiting more musical gifts from the Rocker Princess. Her debut album, What I Didn't Say can be purchased from all good record stores and from Itunes._

I let the newspaper fall to my knees and stared off into space. I was a messed up mix of emotions after reading that article. I wasn't sure what to do with this new information. She hadn't come out, but it was a step forward for her. Ashley had stepped out from behind her jock 'boyfriend'. In fact if you read the article carefully, she never actually states that they were together. She didn't say they'd broken up, she said they were 'not dating'.

I was a little concerned about the comments the reporter made about their being some truth to the rumours about Ashley and I. The reporter was smart, she had put a lot together and it would have made sense to me even if I hadn't known it to be the truth. I was still concerned though. My concern wasn't for myself, I would love the world to know the truth. My concern was for Ashley and how big of a hammering she would get from the label for that article. I really hoped she was ok.

I looked up at Harrison who was still standing beside me watching over me. I smiled weakly and shook my head, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do with all this Harry."

Harrison took a seat beside me and took my hand in his, "I think that's understandable Sweet Pea. I read it and I still don't know how to take it. Spence I think she's trying, really trying. She can't change 20 odd years of fear and insecurities overnight, but she's taken a step forward. And hey on the bright side, you don't have to see her parading that meathead around in the media any more!"

I chuckled dryly and nodded, "You have a point there. Just seeing that jock strap drape himself over her made me sick to my fucking stomach. And I know you're right. Her fears are so deeply ingrained it would be expecting too much to have her change everything, all her negative thinking and self doubt overnight. Her parents sure did a number on her and then fucking Ethan Marks Senior took advantage of that. Ethan junior hasn't helped much either."

Harrison nodded solemnly, "True, she has gone through a lot and hey we both know how hard coming out is, but on a global scale? Well that's just terrifying!" Harrison paused for a second and then smiled, "But did you read all those things she said about you? Wow Sweet Pea, it's so clear how much she loves you."

"You think?" I asked, Harrison nodded with a sincere smile making me smile and continued, "Yeah I think so too. I don't doubt that she loves me, I guess it comes down to a question of if she loves me enough. I guess time will tell on that one."

I smiled sadly and sat in deep thought for a moment before I blurted out excitedly, "Oh and the part where she refers to a person 'she admires and cares deeply about' who inspired her to stop hiding, well I'm fairly certain that person is me."

Harrison rolled his eyes and gazed at me condescendingly, "Seriously Sweet Pea? You had to think about that? Of _course_ she was talking about you! I'm sure she hasn't had more than one huge emotional conversation in the last week. Sometimes you really are blonde!"

I scoffed and flicked his blonde locks, "And what do you call this?"

Harrison laughed and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, "I guess you and I are two peas in an oh so wonderful pod Sweet Pea." I laughed and snuggled into his arms.

We sat like that for a while, just quietly enjoying being together, until Gemma came over to tell me that the next scene was ready to go, but I had to go set up the shot. I rolled my eyes good naturedly and quipped, "No rest for the wicked, oh and on that note Harrison get your ass back to the costume area, I'm sure there are actors in need of your assistance."

"Bossy much? Oh ok I'll go do my job," Harrison said in an exaggerated tone of annoyance as he got to his feet and leaned over to place a kiss on my forehead before whispering, "Sweet Pea, she made a good first step here so don't lose faith. Everything is going to be alright, I know it!"

I beamed up at him and mouthed, "Thank you." Harrison winked and sashayed over to the costume area. I got to my feet and headed over to the set for the next scene to make sure it was all set up.

I smiled gratefully as Gemma handed me a cup of coffee, that girl had quickly picked up on the most fool proof way to impress me. Good coffee was my weakness, oh that and hot, closeted brunette rock stars...ok back to the moment. I breathed in the rich aroma of the hot drink and too a slow sip, savouring the taste. I heard someone clear their voice and looked up to find Eva smirking at me. "What?" I asked in confusion, still clutching the coffee lovingly between my hands mere inches from my mouth.

Eva's smirk widened and she asked, "So you want us to leave you and that coffee alone?" I stuck my tongue out at her and set the cup down so I could adjust the camera to get the shot I wanted. I looked down at the monitor and nodded in satisfaction. I smiled at the director of photography and then wandered back over to my director's chair, which was the same one my Dad brought me the day I told him I wanted to be a director.

My mother had laughed until she realised I wasn't kidding and then she reamed me out for over an hour about how stupid, thoughtless and childish I was being. She told me I had to be more realistic and I told her she was a bitch. That did not go over well. She called me a disgrace and didn't speak to me for a week.

After that conversation I went up to my bedroom and found my directors chair sitting in the middle of my floor. It had a dark wood frame and a black seat and back rest. In white stitching across the back of the back rest Dad had gotten embroidered, _Spencer Carlin, Never Forget To Dream Big._

That chair had followed me from Ohio to L.A. and had been on the sets of ALL my productions. I loved that thing.

I sat in my chair and sipped my coffee as I waited for the actors to come out of make-up and wardrobe so I could get them ready for the next scene. I felt more than saw Eva take a seat in the chair beside me. I could feel her eyes on me so I turned around and quirked an eyebrow at her questioningly.

"I read the article this morning," on my look she clarified, "before you say anything yes I was going to tell you about it, Harrison just beat me to it. How are you holding up?" Eva asked softly.

I sighed tiredly, "I dunno really. It as a lot to take in. I'm sad, hopeful, proud of her, frightened and concerned what this will mean. I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed, but at the same time I can't help the faith I have in her. What is it that they say? Faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to, Miracle on 34th Street I think that's from."

Eva smiled kindly, "Yeah that would be from Miracle on 34th Street. And you're right, faith isn't about proof or logic, it's about your heart. If your heart is telling you to believe in her then I say run with it. No matter how all this plays out you will always have me, Harrison, Tilly and soon Glen, Jill and the kids. There are a lot of people who love you and regardless of what happens we have your back."

Jill is my brother Glen's wife, she is a great woman and was like the older sister I never had…even though Glen had a _lot_ of girly moments. I was really looking forward to them moving to L.A., I missed my family.

I pulled Eva into a hug and kissed her gently on the cheek. I released her and flashed her a smile of gratitude, "Thanks Reynolds. I'm going to be ok and now it's time we got to work if we ever want to see this movie made!"

Eva rolled her eyes and chuckled before bowing dramatically, "Ok then Madam Director, start directing!" I stuck my tongue out at her and slid my headset on. I nodded over at Gemma to tell her I was ready and she jumped to her feet and called the set to order. I got to my feet and said with a smile for the younger woman, "Marker!"

The tiny redhead stepped in front of the camera with the 'clappy thing' and beamed as she spoke to the camera, "Ok scene 15 Charlie take one!" she stepped back out of the shot and bowed to me like Eva had done. I chuckled and rolled my eyes, mouthing "cheeky" at her.

I looked around the set to make sure we were good to go and then called, "Action!" I settled back into my seat and fixed my eyes to the monitor to watch the magic unfold on the tiny screen. This was my happy place.


	33. House Guests

**Reviews as always have made me smile.**

freakanatomy, LoveAsh87, hugbuddy13 – Thanks

darkangeleyes23 – Truly thank you, I am touched beyond belief

bethers85 – Thanks, I was wondering if anyone would catch the One Tree Hill quote

.Heart, 2bz2breading, ebonyedlove, ashikinz, sballchica7, momo0424 – Thanks, I felt it was time for Ashley to start moving forward.

slushhy – Thanks, it felt like time for Ashley to start taking steps to fix things and yep Spencer is doing whatever she can to avoid thinking about Ashley. Drama is my speciality!

uluvme – Well thank you! Ashley needed to step up a bit and I always loved Arthur so I had to bring him in (this chapter will do more of that)

shayer – Goosebumps I take as a huge compliment. Thanks! Hmm I like that motto, definitely one to live by. You are totally right sometimes love is worth waiting for...without love what else is there?

mutt009 – Thanks! The next steps...well you'll have to wait and see! Yeah Eva and Tilly will have some more going on I promise.

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine, Eva, Tilly and Harrison are though**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Thirty-Three – ****House Guests**

I shuffled nervously from foot to foot as I stood in the baggage claim area of LAX scanning the crowd. My father and brother's plane had touched down a good fifteen minutes ago and now I was awaiting their appearance. It had been too long since I had seen them. I hadn't been back to Ohio in over a year and my Dad had only been out to L.A. once since then. Glen had come out to see me twice, once with the wife and kids and once solo when he was interviewing for his new job a few months back.

A huge group of people started filing out of the security area towards the baggage claim. I anxiously scanned the travellers for my people, praying I didn't miss them. I stood up on my tip toes, cursing my stupidity in wearing flats instead of heels, to see over the mass of people and that's when I saw the two pairs of twinkling blue eyes that were practically identical to mine.

I made my way through the crowd, accidentally throwing a few elbows here and there, and was instantly swept up in my father's arms and spun around. My Dad gives the absolute best hugs. As soon as he put me down I was swept up in the arms of the man who gives the second best hugs in the world, my big brother Glen.

I held him close to me and beamed so wide I thought my face would split in half. I hadn't realised just how much I had missed them. Glen set me back on my feet and grinned down at me, "Hey there little sister, God it's good to see you!"

I looped my arms through his and said, "Good to see you too big brother, and you Dad!" I looped my other arm through my Dad's as he leaned in to kiss me on the forehead.

"Oh Sweetheart, it has been far too long. How are you Spence?" Dad asked me with a kind smile.

I smiled as reassuringly as I could up at my family and answered, "Yeah I'm fine, doing really well."

My Dad looked knowingly down at me and nodded, "Ok Spence, I'll let you get away with that bullshit answer for now, but at some point you are going to tell us how you really are young lady."

I rolled my eyes and nodded, "Sure Dad, let's just get the hell out of this airport and get you back to my place and then I'll tell you everything you want to know. I rip off some still healing scabs and pour out my emotional turmoil just for the two of you!"

Glen rolled his eyes at me and cocked his head to the side as he said, "Glad to see you're still a drama queen!"

I chuckled and smirked up at him, "Well I like to be consistent big brother."

We all beamed at each other and then I led them out to my Jeep. We stowed the luggage in my trunk and then headed off to the beach house. Dad had last seen my place just after I brought it so hadn't seen it all decorated and set up. I was excited for them both to see it. I wanted to show them my life. I wanted them to be proud of the life I'd built.

Leaving Ohio to come back to L.A. for college was the best thing I have ever done, but it was not done without sacrifice. In leaving Ohio I left my brother and father, who were the only two constant supports in my life. I loved them so much and having them with me filled me with a sense of calm and peace that I couldn't find with anyone else. Ok so that was a lie, I also felt it with Ashley during those brief moments when she was in my arms and nothing else was affecting us.

We chatted the whole way home, Dad told me about his work developing a youth group for local kids. He came alive when he talked about his work. It was a nice change from the sad, lonely man he was when he talked about my Mom. He briefly said that she was still working at the hospital, doing long hours and was rarely home. I often wondered why he stayed with her when it made him so unhappy.

I didn't ask a lot about my mother and Dad did not supply a hell of a lot. I knew it hurt him that me and Mom couldn't get along, I knew he never blamed me though. When I came out he was my biggest support and he still contends that he knew I was gay long before I did. The only times I have ever seen him raise his voice at anyone have been when my mother was giving me grief about my sexuality.

For a long time I had wished for a relationship with my mother, but I grew out of that. I learnt that the family I need is the family that love me for who I am and don't expect me to change. To me that family is my Dad, Glen (plus his wife and children), Eva and now Harrison and Tilly. I guess I also include Ashley in that. Despite what had happened and the fact that we weren't together, she and I were connected. These people were my family.

I pulled into my driveway and parked the Jeep close to the house to save us having to lug their suitcases too far. I turned in my seat to smile at them both, "Welcome to my humble abode, now come on so I can show you around!"

I jumped out of the car and had their bags out of the trunk before their feet even hit the ground. Today was a non shooting day on the film so I had the whole day with my family. I didn't actually shut down shooting for the day so I could see my family, my lead actress had to go to the fertility specialist with her girlfriend as they were trying to have a baby. I was excited for them, but secretly wistful that it wasn't me. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying I want to run off and get knocked up, I don't, but I would kind of like the possibility.

I dragged my Dad's suitcase up to my front door, ignoring his orders to let him carry it and Glen calling me scarily butch, and led them inside. I dropped Dad's suitcase and swept my arms out, "Well this is my place." I smiled proudly at their impressed expressions.

We stepped into the living room and they were both drawn to the huge windows across from my cream linen sofas. "Wow Spence, I don't remember the view being this spectacular when you moved in," Glen said as he stared out over the water.

"Yeah there used to be a huge old, dead tree that blocked it, but I had it removed a month or so after I moved in. It was dead and looked like it was going to fall in on the house so it had to go," I explained.

"Well it's beautiful and this room is so lovely, very classy but also comfortable. Ok so now show us the rest!" My father ordered with a grin and a twinkle in his big blue eyes.

I led them across the hall into my kitchen and had to laugh when my Dad became an excited child as he took in the state of the art kitchen appliances. My Dad loved to cook and nothing made him happier than a great kitchen to cook in. I'll admit I had my Dad in mind when I had designed the remodel for the kitchen.

I took them through the sliding glass doors and out to the deck over looking the beach. Glen wanted to run down the short set of stairs and out onto the sand but was stopped with the promise of a snack and coffee once we finished the rest of the tour.

We headed back inside and I showed them my home office, which was rather cluttered or lived in as I preferred to call it. The room had a huge widow that over looked the garden and contained my Grandfather's desk, which he had left to me in his will. The walls were covered in posters, photos and memorabilia from my productions and there was a plush brown leather sofa with huge olive green throw pillows. This was my sanctuary.

Next I showed them the guest bathroom and the two guestrooms. The office, guest rooms and guest bathroom were the only rooms in my house that didn't face the ocean, but they all overlooked the landscaped garden so I was content with that.

They dropped their bags off in their rooms and followed me down the hall. I showed them my room and they both went crazy over the view. The way my room was set up, when the curtains were open you got an uninterrupted view of the beach while lying in bed. The room was decorated in hues of plum and I always felt at peace in there, except for right after Ashley and I broke up. It was much too drenched in memories then.

After the tour I took them back to the kitchen where I set my Dad loose and he put together some of the most delicious sandwiches I have ever eaten. We sat down to eat and catch up some more.

"Wow Glen they've gotten so big!" I gushed as I gazed at a photo of his kids. I missed them so much and hated not seeing them everyday.

"Yeah they have, Clay's six now, Claudia will be four soon, Christopher is nearly two and little Chloe is just six months," Glen smiled proudly as he talked about his kids. I was doubtful when he announced at 22 he was going to have a child. To me Glen was still a child himself. He sure proved me wrong. Glen had taken on our father's parenting style and between him and Jill they had raised some damn great kids.

"I still can't believe you've had four kids by the time you're thirty! It's a far cry from the brother who used to wear his hockey mask just so he could jump out of closets to scare me!" I teased, earning a mock glare from my big brother and a chuckle from my Dad.

"Hey, I'm all grown up and shit now Spence. It's been years since I scared you like that," Glen said with a pout.

I laughed, "Oh no you don't, you're not getting away with lying about this one! You almost gave me a heart attack the last time you stayed here. I still check behind the shower curtain every time I go into my bathroom now thanks to you!"

Glen shrugged and smirked, "Just keeping you on your toes baby sister!" I rolled my eyes and slugged him softly in the arm.

Dad smiled at our interaction. We had always gotten along best when it was just the three of us and Mom was absent. Yeah that's pretty sad I know, but true. Whenever my mother was present there was a tension that nothing seemed to be able to shift.

Dad placed his hand over mine and gave it a gentle squeeze, "So how are you really Spence?"

I sighed loudly and looked down at my coffee cup. I really didn't know what to tell them. They both knew that I had been seeing someone and that it had ended, but I had never told them who. That was the part I hated. Before Ashley I had not lied to my big brother since Clay was killed. The day of his funeral Glen pulled me aside and we promised each other that no matter what we would always have each other's backs and always be true to one another. I had never broken that promise in the nineteen years since my brother was killed until Ashley Davies entered my life.

As for my Dad, well I told him practically everything too. They were my rocks and I felt like I had betrayed them by not being honest.

Dad smiled knowingly at me and nodded, "Ok so how about instead of you telling me how you are, I tell you how you are?" I stared at him in confusion, which just made him chuckle before he continued. "Ok so I know you're sad. Spence you're sad and lost and confused. It's in your eyes Honey. I also know that the woman you broke up with recently meant more to you than you've been letting on. I think, no I _know_, you were in love with her. I bet it is the first time you have ever really been in love. I also know that the woman you love is this upcoming rock star Ashley Davies."

I gasped and shook my head before throwing up my hands in exasperation, "Is there anyone on the planet who doesn't know Ashley is my ex? Seriously?"

Dad chuckled again and smiled kindly, "Sweetheart, I only know because I know _you_. I could see it in those pictures, you loved her and she loved you. It was clear to see for anyone who knows you Sweetie. I understand why you didn't tell us, you were protecting her."

I lowered my head only to snap it back up when Glen said in a hurt voice, "Well I don't understand how you kept this from _me_! We had a deal Spencer, we promised we would never keep anything from each other and you held back on me for months! That kind of hurts baby sis."

I blinked back the tears that filled my eyes and looked over at him. "I know. I'm sorry Glen."

Glen reached over and squeezed my hand gently, "I know you are baby sister and now you can make it up to me by telling me everything right now!"

"How much time have you got?" I deadpanned.

"We've got as long as you need Spencer," My Dad replied in his calm, gentle voice.

I nodded and bit my lower lip as I tried to get my thoughts in order. This was one hell of a story to tell. I looked up at both of them and flashed them a sad little smile, "Well it all started just over three months ago when I met 'the next big thing' Ashley Davies. Me and Eva went for a meeting at the record label to discuss producing the video for her first single and the second she walked in I felt this connection. It was like I _had_ to get to know her. It sounds stupid..."

"No it doesn't at all, that's how I felt the first time I met Jill," Glen said with a fond smile of remembrance.

"Really? Coz I thought the day you met her she dumped a coke over your head and called you a scumbag?" I asked with a cheeky, teasing smirk.

Glen pouted the Carlin pout and glared at me, "well I didn't say she felt the same right away! And hey that was just her way of getting my attention!"

"Yeah keep telling yourself that," I teased.

"Ok enough you two, now how about you get back to the story Spencer?" Dad intervened before our childish sides really came out to play.

I stuck my tongue out at Glen before continuing, "Anyway I wasn't sure about her, you know, whether she was gay or not but then at our second meeting Ethan Marks from the label announced that she was straight. I was surprised by how disappointed that news made me. It was strange. Over the next little while she was acting weird. She flirted with me and then pulled away. I caught her looking at me and I just couldn't figure her out. Then she kissed me. It was amazing. We got together later that night to talk and she told me she was gay but that she had to hide her sexuality because of the label. I should have run then and there, but I didn't. We started seeing each other in secret."

I stopped and stared out the window at the ocean as it raced to the shore. Telling this story was bringing up a hoard of memories I wasn't sure I wanted to deal with then and there. My Dad smiled at me in understanding and waited patiently for me to continue.

I took a deep breath and started talking again, "being with her was overwhelming. It was heartbreaking and wonderful all at the same time. I fell in love with her immediately, but I hated hiding our relationship and lying to everyone. While we were together only Eva knew. Things got strained between us, she couldn't or wouldn't come out and I couldn't bear to hide. Then she started pretending to date an old high school friend of hers Aiden Dennison the point guard for the Lakers…"

Glen interrupted me and gushed, "I love that guy! He is so awesome on the court!" I raised my eyebrow at him and Glen blushed before muttering, "No I do not have a crush on him, married remember."

I smirked and continued, "Anyway…so that was hard to see, it hurt to watch her parade around with him on her arm. We started fighting a lot and never really resolving anything. It was a gap we just couldn't bridge. We wanted and needed different things. The catalyst was when those damn pictures hit the media and Ashley freaked out. She said some really hurtful things to me that morning and that's when I realised we couldn't keep going on the way we had been so I ended it. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but it was the right thing." I lowered my eyes to the table and concentrated on not crying.

I expected my Dad to speak then, offer me some words of wisdom and comfort, instead my big brother moved closer and wrapped an arm securely around my shoulders. "Spencer you did the right thing in ending it, but I don't think it's really over. It's plain to see that you love her and I'd bet anything she loves you back just as much. Sounds to me like she's scared," Glen murmured soothingly, earning him a look of gratitude from me and a look of pride from Dad.

Dad nodded, "It's not over Spencer, no way." Dad looked thoughtful for a moment and then asked quietly, "She's Raife Davies daughter isn't she?" I nodded and his expression became one of comprehension, "Well that explains a lot. I remember the rumours about Raife back in the day, if there was any truth to the rumours then she must be living with a lot of fear and internalised homophobia that was ingrained in her by having a closeted father. Raife was a good man, a great musician and it's sad that he never got to be truly himself."

I stared at my Dad in confusion, how the hell had he figured all that out? Before I could ask him my front door was thrown open and in ran Eva with a more polite Tilly and Harrison following along behind her.

"Mr. C! Glen! Man is it great to see you both!" Eva screeched as she almost bowled over my father when she threw herself into his arms. He had barely recovered when she was moving onto her next victim and tackled Glen.

"Hello Eva, I see you haven't changed," My Dad deadpanned before breaking out in a warm smile and hugging the short blonde again.

I walked over to Tilly and Harrison who were standing timidly in the doorway and grabbed their hands to lead them in. "Dad, Glen, this is Tilly and Harrison. Tilly is the singer I have been working with and Harrison is the costume designer on the film. Tilly, Harry this is my Dad Arthur and my big brother Glen," I introduced.

Dad shook hands with them both and gave them friendly grins, "It's a pleasure to meet you both. It's always nice to meet friends of Spencer's you guys can tell us all the dirt she won't." Tilly and Harrison giggled while I looked on in horror. Man why do I always feel the need to introduce people to my family? It only leads to embarrassment for me!

Glen shook hands with them next and greeted them warmly, "Tilly, Harrison, nice to meet you. Spencer has been telling me a lot about you both."

"All good I hope?" Tilly asked with a grin. Glen nodded reassuringly and Dad announced they were all staying for dinner and that he was going to cook. Having heard the tales of my Dad's culinary mastery, there were not protests from anyone.

Dad quickly headed into the kitchen with Harrison, who was eager to learn some cooking skills to "impress the boys." Glen and I grabbed beers for everyone and we sat out on the deck overlooking the beach.

"So did Spencer tell you she went to the liquor shop the other night dressed as Jessica Rabbit?" Eva asked in an innocent tone.

I did a spit take with my beer, Tilly started to laugh uncontrollably and Glen stared at the green-eyed blonde with amusement. "No I don't believe that she did, Spencer do you want to tell me something?" Glen asked with a smirk.

I glared at Eva and mouthed, "I'm gonna kill you," before looking sheepishly at my brother and blushing hotly, "We were playing truth or dare." I mumbled almost under my breath.

Glen threw back his head and laughed, "Wow are you 12?"

I crossed my arms over my chest and snapped indignantly, "That's what I said! They made me do it Glen, they are evil, deranged people."

Glen chuckled again and shook his head, "Did they hold a gun to your head Spence?" I reluctantly shook my head, "then they didn't make you little sis. Oh Eva, did you happen to get any photos?"

I snapped my head around to look at my best friend (I used that term loosely) and glared. Eva giggled and smirked, "Of course I did Glen! I followed her to the liquor shop and took a heap of photos which I have," Eva pulled an envelop out of her pocket and handed it to my brother. I groaned and lowered my head in shame. I had no clue she'd followed me, I should have guessed though.

Soon the three of them were all but rolling around on the deck laughing like hyenas on speed. I sighed and climbed to my feet, "I'm gonna need more alcohol to live down this embarrassment!" I headed inside to the sound of their laughter.

I walked into the kitchen and kissed Dad and Harrison on the cheek. "What are they laughing about out there?" Dad asked with amusement.

Harrison chuckled, "I bet Eva was showing them the photos of Spencer dressed up as Jessica Rabbit while buying wine at the liquor shop!" Dad burst out laughing, soon joined by Harrison. I just stood there dumbfounded. It was a conspiracy!

I grumbled under my breath and grabbed a few more beers before heading out to the deck again to see if the hyenas had stopped their cackling. Just for the record they hadn't so when I walked out the sliding door I was met with more laughter directed at me. They all suck! I thrust their beers into their hands and sat down to glare at them some more, while secretly trying not to smile.

Thankfully I didn't have to hold up my pretence long because Dad sent Harrison out to tell us all dinner was ready. We scrambled up and race each other into the house, I won and yes that did mean I had to push Glen into Eva and trip Tilly, but that is all beside the point because I won.

We sat around the table with mouths watering at the feast my Dad had thrown together from what I thought was a rather pathetic array of food I had in my pantry and fridge. I had been eating a LOT of take out of late.

"Dad this looks amazing! You are a freaking genius!" I announced to enthusiastic agreement from the others.

"Thank you, it's nice to make a meal for so many people, usually it's just me," Dad said softly. I saw the sadness in his eyes and gave his hand a gentle squeeze. I hate to think of him being alone in that big old house while Mom worked herself to death.

We all dug in and for the first ten minutes or so all you could hear was the sounds of cutlery against plates and yummy noises. My Dad is the best cook in the entire world, just so you know.

Once we had all gotten a bit of food in our stomachs the talking began again. "So Spencer, Eva how is work going?" Dad asked. He, unbeknownst to my mother, was a silent investor in our company. He had helped us get started, along with my inheritance from my Great Aunt Zelda, and was the inspiration for the name of the company.

The day I told him I was starting up my own production company he had told me that he was proud of me and that he always knew I would do great things. He then said that L.A. was worlds away from Ohio and that it was where my dreams would come true. I always remembered those words and then when the time came to name the production company, Worlds Away Productions was the first and only choice.

I smiled at Dad and responded, "It's going great. The movie is in progress and going really well. We started filming a few days ago and it is going great. I have a few commercials to film in the next few weeks as well and the company has a few music videos too. Sarah Foster, my former intern, has come back on board as a director so we can do more work. She is great and a perfect addition to the team."

"That's great Sweetheart, how about you Eva?" Dad asked with a smile for my best friend.

"Yeah everything is going well Arthur. Me and Sarah will be filming a music video for, uh…Ashley Davies in a few days. It should be good. Spencer wrote the concept and it is brilliant," Eva replied with a quick glance in my direction. I sighed. I kind of wished I was going to be the one filming Ashley's video. I knew Sarah would do a great job, but I wanted to be there.

I felt all eyes on me at the mention of Ashley's name. Even after almost four weeks apart the mention of her name made my heart race and tears sting my eyes. I had a feeling that even if we never found a way back to each other I would always react this way to her name.

I raised my eyes to meet a table full of compassion and understanding. I was lucky to have these people in my life. I just hoped Ashley had someone in her corner with her. I hated the thought of her trying to cope alone.

I forced a smile and nodded, "I hope the video shoot goes well." The smile was fake but the sentiment was genuine. I really did hope the shoot went well. I wanted Ashley to succeed.

There was an awkward silence for a moment until Glen thankfully took the spotlight off me and started telling everyone about his new job. I took the opportunity to zone out and think about my brunette rock star. I wished she was there with me now. I wanted her to be sharing a meal with my loved ones. I wondered if she was thinking of me.


	34. My Torture

**Thank you****, as always, for reviewing.**

LoveAsh87, freakanatomy – Thank you!

2bz2breading – I agree, Arthur needs to leave Paula and move to Lala land

ashikinz – Wow thanks so much!

uluvme – Oh I agree, I love Glen and Papa C. Eva is all tiny blonde pixie stealth which is why she was able to get Spencer on film without her knowing. I thought a little humour should be mixed in with the angst. And yeah the kids names were on purpose…I was eating CC corn chips when I wrote the chapter lol

mutt009 – I felt like the story was lacking some Arthur and Glen. Don't underestimate Eva is all I can say lol

shayer – I thought the same thing as I was writing it, all that was missing was Ashley. Arthur is the epitome of what a parent should be. If I do get Ashley and Spencer back together I promise to give them a feel good moment like this one!

imaferrari – Hey thank you! that's awesome of you to say.

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine…Eva, Tilly and Harrison are though**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Thirty-Four – My Torture**

I walked into my office and sat down with a sigh. I had just finished a day of filming on the movie and I was exhausted. Dad and Glen had been on set with me all day it had been great to have them there, but gruelling because Glen was like a child and had to be entertained constantly or he got up to no good. They were off now looking at a house that Glen was interested in for his family. It was only about fifteen minutes from mine so it already had my seal of approval.

I turned on my computer and waited for it to boot up while sipping on a hot tea (I'd already had five cup off coffee so I thought it best to switch to a lesser poison). I flipped open my folder and started going over my notes from the day. We had gotten a lot done and were right on schedule which was great, and very unusual for a movie shoot. I keep saying it, but it was weird how everything for this movie was falling into place.

Today Eva and Sarah had been filming Ashley's video. I had deliberately kept myself as busy as possible all day so I wouldn't think about the fact that I wasn't there. It did not work.

I was angry at myself for not being there, even though I knew me being there would not be a good idea. I was happy to see Ashley trying and I had renewed hope after our conversation and seeing the article about her and Aiden being done, but that didn't mean I was ready to stand on set watch some dude playing her lover. That was a form of torture I wasn't interested in living through.

I knew I was leaving her video in good hands. Eva and Sarah would do my concept justice and make sure the video was good and reflective of Ashley as an artist. The song they were working with was beautiful, it still hit my like a punch in the stomach every time I heard it but it was moving so I kept listening to it anyway.

I knew they were using the concept I had written, the one that depicted our actual break up. I had been wondering all day how that would be for Ashley, if it would be too painful. Writing it had helped me find a small measure of calm about that day, as much as it still hurt.

I had been listening to her album in between takes on set, yes I really am a glutton for punishment, and found that a few of the songs fit remarkably well with the story the film was telling. I had been umming and ahhing about it all day but had decided that I needed to call Ethan and see if maybe we could get permission to use a few of them.

I took some deep breaths to settle my nerves and picked up the phone. I dialled the familiar number and waited for him to answer. "_Hello Ethan Marks speaking_," he said as he picked up.

"Hey Ethan its Spencer, how are you?" I replied, my voice sounding nervous even to my own ears.

"_Hey Spence, I'm good, how's it going? How's the movie_?" Ethan asked enthusiastically.

I smiled and replied, "Great thanks, the movie is going really well, actually that's kind of what I was calling about."

"_Yeah? What can I do to help Spence, anything you need_," Ethan said kindly.

I swallowed nervously once again and asked softly, "Well I was listening to Ashley's album again and there are a few songs that I think would be perfect for the movie and soundtrack. I know it's a lot to ask, but I was wondering if you could find out if we could use a few songs?"

Ethan was quiet for a moment and I was waiting for him to shoot me down. Instead he replied, "_Of course Spencer! It is not a lot to ask, it is the least I can do…um…I mean I want to help and I…shit, well I hate that you are hurting right now over something I was partially responsible for_."

I let out a gasp. I had wondered if Ethan was capable of feeling any remorse for the part he played in the destruction of Ashley and my relationship. I had no idea what to say to that. I opened and closed my mouth a few times while I tired to find the words, none seemed to be coming.

Ethan must have taken my silence for anger because he quickly continued, "_I know you must be mad and I don't blame you. I followed my Dad's lead and never really stopped to think about what it would mean for Ash. She was my friend and I let her down. I also let my feelings for you cloud my judgement. I handled the whole situation between the two of you badly. I really fucked it all up Spencer and I am so sorry._"

I felt my head swimming with all the words he'd just said. I was flabbergasted. What the fuck was I supposed to do with that information? What the hell did I say to him? I kind of choked a little before he cut in again, "_Spencer I promise you from now on I am going to be professional. I'm really so sorry_."

I cleared my throat and finally found my voice so I could speak, "Ethan I'm a little thrown here. I don't know what to even say to all of that. I just don't have the words."

I heard him swallow hard before he replied, "_That's understandable Spencer. I don't expect you to forgive me. I have a lot to make up for and I know that. I will make it up to both of you, I promise you that._" I stayed silent, still having no freaking clue what to say. Ethan quickly started speaking again, "_I'll, um I'll talk to Ashley about the songs for the movie. I'm sure she'll be more than happy for you to use them. Which songs were you thinking?_"

"I was thinking we'd go for ones that will not have been released as singles by the time the movie comes out. So I would ideally like to use Always, More Than A Love Song and Come On Get Higher or Hold. Of those song Always is the one I most want. Thank you Ethan," I murmured down the line.

Ethan was quiet for a moment before he said softly, "_You're welcome. I'll let you know what she says. I'll talk to you soon Spencer_."

"Ok, bye Ethan," I said quietly.

"_Bye Spence_," He mumbled before hanging up the phone. I shook my head and put the phone back into its cradle. I was at a complete loss as to what to think after that conversation. He actually felt guilty? Well while that was a nice sentiment it didn't exactly erase all he had done.

I sighed and took a drink of my now lukewarm tea before logging into my computer and checking my emails. I was engrossed in a funny group of photos Harrison had sent me when Eva and Sarah walked in.

Sarah had come to the company as an intern two years ago and had been going great since then. She was a talented director and I felt lucky to have gotten her on board to work with us while I was so busy. Actually we had had a little fling just after Toni and I had broken up. It hadn't been anything more than two friends using each other as scratching posts and now we were firmly friends without the benefits.

She was beautiful, tall and slender with big ice blue eyes and short light brown hair. She wore black-framed glasses, black skinny jeans and a grey t-shirt with a red tie. Sarah was blunt and to the point, she reminded me of Eva in that respect.

I got up from my desk and went around the desk to greet them both with a hug. "Hey there, how'd the filming go today?" I asked as I retook my seat.

Eva and Sarah sat in the chairs on front of my desk and Eva held up a bag which I assumed held the results of the days filming. Eva smiled and nodded, "It went well, no problems at all. We got everything done and now all we need to do is edit it together. Um do you want to see some of the footage while we upload it in the editing suite?"

I gave them a tight smile and nodded. Sarah grinned kindly and got to her feet, "Come on boss lady, let's go." Sarah had started calling me boss lady the day she started with us. It always made me smile.

Eva rose to her feet and held out her hand to me. I took it and got up to follow them to the editing suite at the back of the building. We walked in and I sunk into one of the plush leather office chairs in front of one of the screens. Sarah got the film ready and started uploading it.

Eva reached over and held my hand in hers before she asked, "You sure you want to see this?"

I nodded, "It was part of the deal with Marks Records, that I view all filmed footage and be involved in the production so I am just doing my job."

Eva scoffed and leaned in closer to whisper, "Bullshit Spence, bullshit. There is no way you are watching this footage just to do your job, you want to see her."

I rolled my eyes and glared at her, "You really need to get out of my head Evie, seriously."

Eva chuckled, "Don't worry honey your head is one fucking scary place to be and I am eager to leave it. In all seriousness though, if you feel like you can't watch this at any stage then just get up and go. I got your back Spence."

I leaned in and kissed her on the cheek, "I know and I love ya for it."

Sarah looked over at us then, "Awww look at you two! You sure you aren't a couple?" She teased.

I jumped back from Eva with a mock look of disgust on my face, "Eww that's nasty Sarah, I don't even want to know where she's been!"

Eva scoffed and smirked, "Well at least I have never been in Toni Hillard, we all know you can't boast that!"

Sarah started to laugh hysterically and choked out, "Oh burn!"

I smiled in defeat and conceded, "Touché Evie, touché." I shuddered a little at the thought of my ex, making the other two laugh.

"Ok so here's some of the footage we shot this morning on the sound stage. This is the scenes of the lover's breaking up," Sarah announced as she hit play.

I felt my breath catch in my throat as the screen came to life showing Ashley and a tall blonde guy standing in a living room. I swallowed around the lump in my throat and barely registered the comforting hand Eva placed on my knee.

They were standing across the room from each other. The guy was standing in the doorway and she had her back to him. He cried out to her and she turned around, Ashley had a look of intense pain on her face. He entered the room and walked over to take her hand. She ripped it away from him and glared at him before shouting.

You couldn't hear the words over the music, but I was transported back to that morning in my house. I felt my heart start to race, my palms sweat and my eyes fill with tears. It was overwhelming and all too real. What had ever possessed me to put our lives on display like that?

Ashley continued to shout at the guy until he turned and walked out of the room. She followed him and the camera trailed behind her. There was a cut and then the scene replayed itself from a variety of angels, each more agonising than the last.

After the agonising cover of Ashley, the close up of her face leaving her emotions on display in the most heart-breaking way, the next scene started. The next scene was in the kitchen and opened with the guy leaning heavily on the counter in a kitchen, his head in his hands when Ashley ran in. she had tears running down her cheeks and I could tell they were genuine. You could see her pleading with him as she leaned against the counter beside him.

She reached over and tried to take his hand only to have him pull away and walk across the kitchen to put distance between them. He had his back to her as she cried and pleaded with him. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his waist and held tight as he struggled to pull away.

He pulled away and ran his hand through his blonde curls with a look of pain and confusion on his face. He was a good actor, he looked so beaten, so torn. You could sense the desperation between them, the sense that they were really on the precipice of everything falling apart.

She reached out to him and he stepped out of her reach. His face was awash with hurt while she looked desperate and broken. You could see her heart breaking and it was cutting me like a knife. She threw her self at him and held him close. He gave in for the briefest of moment and held her close. She spoke to him and then he stepped back. He kissed her forehead and then turned and walked out of the room.

Ashley stepped forward hesitantly, as if she was going to follow him and then she sunk to the floor as tears continued to roll down her face. She started at the door and then started singing along to the chorus as it kicked in.

_So I let you go  
And I watch you leave  
And I hold my breath  
So you don't hear me scream  
When you walk away  
But the words are only in my head  
It's not what I said  
It's what I didn't say_

I felt like I was going to throw up. I staggered to my feet and got a look of empathy from Eva and one of confusion from Sarah. I held up my hand and muttered, "Sorry I can't do this right now. I'll…uh I'll watch the whole thing once the editing is finished. I've got to go."

I raced out of the editing suite and down the hall to my office. I collapsed on my sofa and gasped as I tried to get my erratic breathing under control. I held my hand over my chest and fought back my tears.

I glanced up when my door was pushed open to see Eva and Tilly poking their heads in. I sighed and motioned for them to come in. The joined me on the sofa, Eva beside me and Tilly on her other side, I guess she had just arrived. Eva took my hand and I rested my head on her shoulder.

I sighed and cried miserably, "I'm sorry I couldn't watch any more of that. It was kind of like a kick in the guts to see a guy literally playing my role. It's ridiculous because it's how I wrote it. I knew a man would be playing opposite her and yet it still fucking hurts! What is wrong with me?"

"There is nothing wrong with you Spencer. Of course it hurt to see, after everything the two of you have been through if you weren't affected by that then I would be questioning your sanity. Spence you have been coping remarkably well under the circumstances so please let up on yourself a bit," Eva said kindly as she hugged me close to her.

"She's right Spence," Tilly added with a look of compassion.

"It just hurts," I whispered softly. Eva kissed the top of my head and held me close. We sat in silence for a while, it was comforting just knowing they were there with me. Once a few minutes had passed I sat up and rubbed my eyes which were burning from fighting tears.

I cleared my throat and smiled tiredly at the two women on my sofa. "So the showcase is coming up. You excited Tilly?" I asked, more than ready to change the subject off that damn music video.

"Excited is not the right word, nervous and shitting myself might be a little closer to the truth," Tilly said with a wry grin.

"Oh Baby don't be like that, you'll do great!" Eva said with a tender smile for the black haired woman beside her.

I smirked and arched an eyebrow at them, "Baby? Is there something I'm missing here?"

Tilly and Eva smiled at each other before looking at me with identical looks of happiness on their faces. "Uh yeah I was going to tell you tonight. Well last night I asked this gorgeous thing here to slum it a bit and be my girlfriend, silly thing said yes!" Eva said in a teasing voice.

I smirked, I knew Tilly would be the one to tame my psycho friend. Eva needed someone who could go head to head with her and not put up with her bullshit. She needed and equal and that's what she'd found in Tilly.

"I'm really happy for you guys, this is fantastic," I gushed excitedly clapping my hands together like a kid.

"Yeah it is," Tilly said with a sweet smile for the short blonde beside her. I chuckled to myself as they leaned in and gave each other a chaste kiss. It was so cute!

Their kiss started to deepen so I cleared my throat making them jump. I laughed and teasingly scolding, "I may be happy for you but I so don't want to be seeing you guys with your tongues down each other's throats. Ick!"

Eva rolled her eyes and Tilly laughed, "Sorry Spencer, it won't happen again!" Tilly said.

I scoffed, "Even I'm not naive enough to believe that shit! Now come on tell me more about how you two got together? What happened? How did Evie ask you out? These details are very important for future mocking!"

Eva stuck her tongue out at me and Tilly just giggled. "Ok Spence, well we went out to dinner at this little Japanese place on Dukes Street and the little blonde totally brought me a bunch of red tulips, which are my favourite. Eva was such a gentleman, although it was weird when she made me take my shoes off before I got into her car." I burst out laughing which earned me a glare from my best friend.

Tilly shook her head at us before continuing, "Anyway, once we got to the restaurant she was great. She held open my doors and pulled out my chair..."

Eva cut her off then and said indignantly, "yeah and then you told me to stop trying so hard and just be the ungentlemanly douche bag I normally am! I was pulling out all my best moves and you shot my game to hell!"

I chuckled as Tilly rolled her eyes and replied, "Yeah maybe because I didn't want to see you moves doofus! I wanted to see _you_! Damn you can be retarded sometimes! So back to the story, Eva stopped all the shit and just started being herself. We ate and joked and had a great time then once she'd dropped me off and was walking back to her car she stopped and yelled at the top of her lungs, 'Tilly be my girlfriend, I'm totally what an up and coming rock star needs to boost her image!'"

I looked over at Eva who was blushing faintly. I shook my head and said in a disappointed tone, "Eva please tell me you didn't really say that?"

Eva looked down and muttered, "I might have."

Tilly smirked over at me and said, "Spencer it was hilarious. My neighbour yelled out and called Eva and egomaniac and then told me I could do better! Despite the rather egotistical way the question was asked I found myself kissing her on my door step and saying yes. She may be a total fuck-tard, but she is my fuck-tard!" Tilly and I burst out laughing while Eva just looked touched.

Not many people would be touched by their partner calling them a fuck-tard, Eva was not like most people in case you hadn't realised that yet.

"Man am I glad there is only one of you Evie!" I said as I shook my head.

"Why? I am awesome!" I just laughed. Evie was truly a one of a kind!

"So anyway do you know what's going on with the showcase yet?" I asked Tilly.

She nodded and said, "Yeah, I'll be singing three songs, going on after Ashley actually. They are releasing her second single that night too. I'm nervous about following her, she is incredible and that song is heart-breaking."

I nodded, no one knew better than me how heart-breaking that song was or how amazing my ex was, "Its ok Tilly, you're songs will be great. They'll want to get the launch over with and then the rest of the night will just be about the music. It will be great and I can't wait to hear all about it."

"Wait you're not coming?" Tilly asked with a frown.

I shook my head with a sad frown, "I can't. I'm sorry Tilly, I want to be there for you, but I can't be around the people from that label. I think if I saw Ethan Marks Senior I might drop kick his ass and he's like 65 so that would be wrong. Plus I have a night shoot for the film that night."

"How convenient," Eva quipped with a raised eyebrow.

I sighed, "Yeah so I deliberately scheduled it for that night, sue me. I just knew I couldn't be there. I am not ready for that kind of confrontation. I'm really sorry Til."

Tilly smile understandingly and waved away my apology, "It's ok Spence, I understand. I promise to try and trip up old Ethan senior if I get the chance, ok?" I laughed and nodded before leaning over Eva to hug the younger woman.

"Hey! Where's my lovin'? And for the record Carlin that is _my_ girl you're all over! I'm all hurt now," Eva said with a pout.

I pulled back and smirked at my best friend before pulling her into my arms, "You know I love ya Reynolds so stop bitching me out!" Eva laughed and tightened her hold on me.

I reached out with an arm and pulled Tilly into the hug with us. "Awesome, this is the hottest threesome ever!" Eva called out. Tilly and I both slugged her in the gut and kept the hug going.

Despite comments like that I was so fucking lucky to have Eva. And she did have a point, we were three very smoking hot ladies.


	35. Some Home Truths

**Thank you for your wonderful reviews.**

shayer – Thanks my friend! Good call, I had always intended for Ethan to change his tune. I agree completely, as hard as it was for Spencer to watch, it would have been sublime torture for Ashley to actually have to live. Yet again I am mean to Ashley…

LoveAsh87, slushhy – Thanks, Tilly and Eva are kinda adorable

lilce1992, freakanatomy, SJVlovesLAD – Thank you!

uluvme – no your eyes do not deceive you Ethan Marks apologised. I think it will become clearer as the story progresses. Yeah I sat around think about how Evie could ask out Tilly and all I knew was it had to be a bit out there lol.

mutt009 – Well I love it when I do something unexpected! The showcase will be up soon

imaferrari – It was a tough situation for both women, having to watch it and having to act it out. Ethan was always planned to change his tune and apologise. Eva and Tilly danced around each other for a little while, according to my timeline it was 28 days from the first time they met to Eva asking Tilly out. They also knew each other for about 19 days before they even kissed.

momo0414 – Not sure Tilly is gonna trip Ethan Snr, but we'll see!

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine, of course Eva, Tilly and Harrison are though!**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Thirty-Five – Some Home Truths**

Ashley's POV

Tonight was the Marks Records Showcase and the official launch of my second single, What I Didn't Say, and I could not stop thinking about a certain blonde who was the inspiration for that and all my latest songs.

I had thought it would be easier once we had spoken, but instead it was just worse. Being that close to her and seeing all the hurt and pain I had caused her had cut me more than I ever anticipated.

I had been replaying our conversation over and over in my head, trying desperately to make sense of it all, to figure out a way to dispel my fears so I could go to her and tell her once and for all that I could be what she needed me to be. Life without Spencer Carlin was grey and I missed the colour.

Filming my music video had been particularly hard. Not only did I physically have to relive it over and over again but it had felt like the ultimate betrayal to be acting out our break up with a man playing Spencer's role. It felt like I was cheating on her. After filming was over I had felt dirty and had raced home for a hot shower. It had been a long and hard day which had resulted in a few verbal ass kickings from Eva and some encouraging word from the director Sarah. She was great but she was no Spencer.

I had taken one positive step since our talk. I had given an interview to a reporter, being deliberately vague so she could draw her own conclusions about Aiden, Spencer and I. It had worked too. While I was freaking out a little bit, I was also proud of that article. It never actually admitted that I had ever been dating Aiden and it left it open for people to wonder about Spencer and I.

The labels response to it was not too positive. Ethan Senior had called me into his office and yelled for like forty-five minutes about my obligations as an artist and as my father's daughter (I was getting sick of them always throwing the 'father card' at me, it was a low blow), and then he ordered my publicist not to let me go out on any more interviews unless all questions were vetted first and she had gone over answers with me. It was degrading to have him treat me like that. I felt like a puppet and it made me want to smack him.

I was sitting on my sofa in sweats and Spencer's hoodie, which now smelt only of me, much to my sadness, and gazing blankly out the window of my apartment. I wasn't really seeing anything, I was just staring.

I'm not sure how long I had been sitting there when the buzzer went off telling me someone was downstairs. I sighed and reluctantly got to my feet, wishing Kyla wasn't at yoga so she could make who ever it was go away.

I hit the intercom button and called down impatiently, "Hello?"

"Hello, is that Ashley Davies?" A gentle male voice asked.

"Who wants to know?" I asked with a little attitude, I was in the middle of some serious moping and hated to be disturbed.

"My name is Arthur Carlin and if this is Ashley Davies then I believe you know my daughter Spencer," The kind voice said, not reacting to the attitude in my tone at all.

"Spencer's Dad? Oh my God is she alright?" I asked as I started to panic. All the possible worst case scenarios were racing through my head until I was sure she'd been eaten by a shark or something (I'd watched Jaws the night before if that helps you figure out my convoluted thought process).

A chuckle came through the intercom before Mr. Carlin said, "She's ok Ashley, I just wanted to talk to you if that's alright. I promise I'm not here to yell or blame you, I just want to talk."

"Um…ok, I'll buzz you up," I said timidly into the intercom. I hit the button to open the door and unlocked my front door. I scanned the place to make sure it was presentable and nervously bit me lip. It's not everyday you get a visit from your secret-ex-girlfriend's father. Despite his reassurances I was still pretty positive he was coming to kill or maim me in some way.

I was standing near the front door when a tall man with curly black hair and blue eyes that were rivalled only by my Spencer's, knocked on my door before stepping inside. He smiled reassuringly at me and held out his hand. I stepped forward and took it hesitantly.

He smiled again and said, "It's nice to meet you Ashley, I'm Arthur Carlin."

"Hello, Mr…Mr. Carlin. It's nice to meet you too," I stammered. I was keeping an eye on his hands just in case he lunged at me, which I totally deserved.

"Ashley I promise I am not here to yell or attack you. I really just want to talk, could we sit down? Oh and by the way please call me Arthur," He asked in a soothing voice.

I swallowed hard and nodded, "Um ok sure." I led him over to my living room and took a seat on an armchair across from the sofa where he sat down. I very wisely refrained from telling him what his daughter and I had done on that sofa, multiple times.

"I know you must be a bit confused about why I'm here if it's not to give you grief about breaking my daughter's heart." I nodded and winced. I hated living with the knowledge that I had broken her heart. Arthur looked at me sympathetically and then continued, "I'm here because a very long time ago I actually knew your father," Arthur said softly.

I felt my eyes bug out as I stared at him in shock. This was just too strange. He knew my Dad? I hate coincidences just for the record. I opened and closed my mouth a few times before I was able to choke out, "Huh?" yeah intelligent I know.

Arthur looked at me with infinite compassion as he spoke again, "Your father and I were roommates in college. I moved to L.A. for college with my high school sweetheart, Spencer's Mom, and met Raife the first day of freshman year. We roomed together until he dropped out in junior year when his band got signed."

"Wow!" I said breathlessly, "That's insane. You knew my Dad and I ended up dating your daughter, it's a damn small world."

Arthur chuckled and nodded, "That it is. After he left college and the band took off I didn't really hear from him again until the day before he died." Arthur paused and ran his hand through his dark hair, a gesture I'd seen his daughter do more times than I could count. "I knew he was gay Ashley. We lived together for almost three years so I knew him very well. I always tried to convince him that he should be honest about who he was, but he was adamant that he couldn't because it would destroy the music career he was trying to build. I believe you and Spencer have had many similar conversations, am I right?" he asked quietly.

I sighed and nodded, "We have. I have said that to her so many times. I hate the way those words sound coming out of my mouth," I said angrily. I wasn't angry at Arthur, just at me and my stupid hang-ups.

He nodded, his affable expression now becoming serious, "The night before he died your father called me. I was well aware of the scandal about him and the men that had come forward so wasn't really surprised to get the call, seeing as I knew there was truth behind it. I think I was the only friend he ever told. He was so upset when he called. He told me he had messed up, but he wasn't talking about his career."

I stared at him in confusion as tears started stinging in my eyes, "What do you mean?"

He flashed me a brief smile before continuing, "I mean he was upset that he had messed up with you." I slumped back against the chair cushions and stared at him in disbelief.

"I'm not making this up Ashley. He told me he had been putting his fears onto you for years and making it seem like homosexuality was something to be ashamed of. He told me he was scared you'd go down the same route as him and end up alone because of all the insecurities and fears he had fed you. He told me he loved you and was worried that he'd done irreversible damage. We talked for a long time. I told him all about my teenage daughter, Spencer, who had come out. I told him I was so proud of her but that her mother was not accepting of it," Arthur sighed and ran his hand through his hair again.

"Mrs. Carlin wasn't supportive?" I asked softly, wondering if I'd known that.

He looked at me sadly, "My wife hasn't been the same woman since she was the driver in a car crash that killed our son. It wasn't her fault, but she has never been the same. She has never been able to see this from Spencer's side. All she sees is the loss of all the dreams she had for our daughter. In her eyes it's like the moment Spencer came out to us she lost another child, and she did. Spencer and Paula have not had a relationship in years."

"I didn't know that," I said a little ashamed that I didn't know that important fact about the woman I loved.

Arthur grinned kindly, "That's not surprising, Spencer does not like talking about Paula, I think it still hurts too much. I guess both you and Spencer have had issues with parents when it comes to your sexuality. Spencer's had the opposite effect to yours, it made her stubborn and determined to never hide who she is, while you took on your father's insecurities and the advice of a man who only ever led your father wrong. Ethan Marks Senior is a bigot and should never have been allowed to influence you or your father."

I stared at the softly spoken man across from me and try to absorb what he was telling me. Arthur was as kind as his daughter, you could really see a lot of him in Spencer. It made me instantly trust him and feel safe in his presence.

He let the silence hang over us for a little while before speaking again, "Your father was a great man Ashley, but he was scared. He lived his life as one of fear and deception and I know that if we could talk to him right now he would tell you that he would never want that life for you. Raife Davies was one of my best friends when we were young men and it saddens me to know he led a life that was a lie."

I let the tears start to fall from my eyes. Seeing this Arthur rose from the sofa and walked over to pull me into a comforting hug. Usually it would be strange to be letting an older man I'd just met hug me, but in that moment I needed him. Arthur cradled me against his chest and just let me cry it all out. I actually remember Spencer telling me once that he gave the best hugs and man she was right.

His embrace was so soothing and comforting. Before long I was calm and sitting beside him on the sofa sniffling quietly. He flashed me a gentle smile and patted my hand, "Ashley you are a talented singer and musician. The world is not going to care who you love." He paused and turned so that he was facing me more fully. "I am now speaking to you as Spencer's father. I do not like seeing my little girl so miserable. She is lost without you. Spencer told us what happened between the two of you and while I understand your reservations I want you to think long and hard about everything. Spencer loves you and I know she will wait for you to sort yourself out. The question is how long are you going to make her wait?"

I sat silently and stared at him while I tried to get my head around everything. Arthur smiled kind-heartedly and got to his feet, "I should leave you to it. Spence doesn't know that I've come to see you today, but you don't have to hide it from her. I know you have a lot to work through and I hope for your sake and my daughter's sake you're able to."

He walked towards my door and stopped a few feet from it. He turned around to face me and smiled, "You're father would be proud of your success Ashley, but not of the sacrifices you've made to get it. I know in my heart that he would want you to learn from his mistakes and not live the type of life that caused him so much pain and self-hatred. It truly was a pleasure to meet you and I hope to see you again soon, with Spencer."

He smiled once more and walked quietly out of the apartment. I leaned back into the sofa and let the tears start falling again. That had been a tad overwhelming to say the least. I was still reeling from all he had told me about my father. Being the moron that I am it never occurred to me that maybe my Dad had been wrong.

I had idolised that man for as long as I could remember. He was my hero, my rock and my best friend. I loved him so much and I grew up thinking he was flawless. He wasn't. I know that now. I had put my father up on a pedestal so high I never really saw him for the frightened, lonely man he was.

My father was a good man, but maybe he had it wrong? Maybe his way of living wasn't really living at all. I mean what good is all the accolades and applause if the person you love isn't by your side to share it with you?

I was sitting deep in thought when Kyla walked back in. She took one look at me, dropped her bag and yoga mat and was by my side in a second. She wrapped her arms around me and held me close as my tears fell.

"What happened Ash?" She murmured into my hair.

I let out a deep, shuddering breath and leaned into her, "Well I had a surprise visitor."

"Spencer was here?" Kyla asked, her voice getting pretty shrill.

"Close, but not quite," I replied. Kyla looked at me in confusion and I smiled thinly, "It was her Dad."

"Oh shit, really? Did he tear you a new one?" She asked, starting to check my body for injuries.

I shoved her hands away and got up to start pacing the room, "no, nothing like that. He is actually a damn nice man. He just wanted to talk. He, uh he actually knew Dad."

"He did? Oh my God, that's too weird!" Kyla almost yelled.

I rolled my eyes and responded, "Yeah it is. Apparently they were college room mates before Dad dropped out when the band got signed. Mr. Carlin seemed to really like Dad. Actually he said Dad called him the night before he died, they hadn't seen each other in years, but Dad called him." I stopped and leaned against the wall.

Kyla nodded slowly and then locked her eyes on me, "What did he say?"

"He told Mr. Carlin that he messed up with me. That he had made me believe that my sexuality was something to be ashamed of. He, uh he told Mr. Carlin that he didn't want me to end up like him," I murmured softly.

Kyla looked at me with an unreadable expression and then smiled bitterly, "End up like him huh? So is this the moment when we finally talk about who our father really was?"

I felt my entire body tense up. I had been avoiding this conversation with Kyla for ten years. I don't know why, but I had always avoided talking to her about the scandal surrounding our father before his death. I guess I always felt that he had gone to such lengths to hide it that I owed it to him to keep his secret.

I looked up and met her eyes and nodded, "Ok I guess we talk about it. What do you want to know?" I swallowed hard around the lump in my throat and waited for her response.

Kyla bit her lip and then asked in a voice so quiet I could hardly hear it, "Is there any truth to the rumours about Dad."

I looked at her for a moment before nodding, "yes there is."

Kyla stared at me hard for a moment and then asked, "So he really was gay then?" I nodded. "And he hid his sexuality from the world?" I nodded again. "Did he really die in a car accident?" she asked in a soft, pained voice. I think in her heart of hearts she already knew the answer to that one.

I sighed and felt the prickling of tears in my eyes yet again. I looked her dead in the eyes and rasped out, "No, he killed himself a few days after his record label dropped him following the scandal about his sexuality."

Kyla looked stricken. She clamped a hand over her mouth and let the tears start to fall. I moved to her side and held her close while she sobbed into my shoulder. I rocked her back and forth slowly, trying to ease the pain from information she should have been given years ago. I never should have hidden it from her. I was a monumental screw up and only capable of hurting people so it seemed.

Kyla pushed me away gently and got to her feet. She started pacing the trail I had been walking not too long before. She was fidgeting nervously with her hands and it looked like she was muttering under her breath. I sat quietly and waited for her to speak again.

Kyla spun around to face me with a broken expression on her face, "So let me get this straight. Our father was gay and hid it from everyone? Fuck! Ok first question, how the hell was I born? Now second and most important question, how they hell could you do this to yourself and Spencer?" I looked at her confused and went to speak only to be cut off.

"No Ashley, shut up and listen. You had to watch our father hide his sexuality from everyone until it erupted into a scandal large enough to tank his career and lead him to kill himself and yet here you are voluntarily living the same life, making the same mistakes and you dragged Spencer in to it? What is the matter with you?" Kyla shouted, visibly trembling with rage.

I slumped back into the sofa, the venom and anger in her voice shocking me into silence. I stared up at her in shock as she seethed with anger. I had never seen her so upset or livid. Kyla was usually a pretty happy kind of person and right now she was starting to scare me.

"How could you willingly live a life that caused our family so much pain? I have always been disappointed in your choice to lie about your sexuality, but now I am truly disgusted. I never met our father so I can't say I know what he would want, but I can't imagine that he would be happy to see you going down the same path as him. You're better than that Ashley!" Kyla all but screamed at me as tears ran in torrents down her face.

I felt my lower lip tremble as I fought the urge to cry. She was right, but it still hurt to know that my little sister was disgusted by my choices. I hung my head, I couldn't look her in the eye any more.

I felt the sofa dip as she sat down beside me. Kyla took my hand and squeezed it gently. "No matter how disappointed I am in you I will always love you Ash. You have got to get over this bullshit nonsense that you have to hide your sexuality. I also think you need industrial strength therapy. I love you sis and I just want to see you happy," Kyla murmured.

I raised my tear-filled eyes up to meet hers and sighed tiredly. I swallowed around the lump in my throat and choked out, "You're right. What do I do now Ky?"

"Now you go clean yourself up and we get ready for the Showcase tonight then tomorrow you start sorting your shit out. I have a friend who is a very good therapist, I think it would help you to see her. You are going to work this out, you are going to make this right. You have to start fixing things or you will lose her," Kyla said in a no nonsense voice.

I nodded and let her drag me off so that we could start getting ready for the showcase. I hoped Spencer would be there. I knew she was invited, but Ethan had been very closed lip about whether she was coming or not.

I wanted her back, I knew that. There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to be with my blonde goddess, now I just had to get my shit together. I was lucky Kyla was around to kick my ass and save me from making even more mistakes than I already had.


	36. Lost In You

**Thank you so much reviewer, readers and alerters!**

imaferrai – Thanks! I was wondering if anyone picked up on the fact Arthur hinted to knowing Raife, good on you for catching that one!

.Heart – Thanks heaps! I felt it was time for Ashley to get some much needed perspective thrust at her

shayer – Yeah the verbal bitch slap was a needed one. Sorry, I'll climb outta your head now lol! You would be right the dots are starting to connect on this fic. I agree, sometimes you need someone to bluntly tell you how badly you're messing up for you to really see it. Head spin? I'll take that as a compliment shall I?

lilce1992, LoveAsh87, freakanatomy, darkangeleyes23, bitten2 – Thanks!

mutt009 – I agree Ashley needed to hear what they had to say. Here is the showcase...

somthgIlike2do – violence towards old Mr Marks huh? We'll see what I can do

slushhy – Gotta love Papa C, the voice of reason! Ashley's ass has been kicked let's see what happens

ebonyedlove – Wow thanks, glad you liked them

LadiiMouse – Spencer showing up at the showcase...hmm well you may not be happy with me after this chapter then

bethers85 – Thank you, Ashley may not be quite ready for the big speech yet. But here's the showcase anyway

uluvme – shocking is what I aim for! It would have been hard for Kyla to hear all that, but she's a tough cookie

Galmil – Thank you, I agree Kyla was totally justified in her reaction. Spashley progress...we'll see

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine**

**Here is the showcase...**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Thirty-Six – ****Lost In You**

Ashley's POV

I ran my hand down over my shirt to smooth away the imaginary creases. Really it was just something to do before I built up enough courage to start scanning the crowded room to see if Spencer was at the showcase.

Kyla and I had arrived about thirty minutes ago and I had been making her hide out in a corner with me ever since. I was still feeling the weight of my conversations with both Kyla and Mr. Carlin, their words were running through my head on a rather painful loop that made me kind of want to curl up in the foetal position and sob like a baby. But I had done enough of that.

The only things getting me through were Kyla and the possibility of seeing my girl. To that effect I had dressed really carefully. I was wearing a pair of tight black shorts, black peep-toe pumps and an olive green waistcoat that showed a hint of the lacy black bra I was wearing underneath. I had my hair in loose curls, the way I knew Spencer liked it best. I had done my makeup extra carefully (mostly to hide the tear stains) and spent like thirty minutes alone selecting the leather cuffs I was wearing.

The showcase was being held at the same club where I launched my first CD, it was an annual event where the execs and other industry power players got together to hear music from the newest talent at Marks Records. It always drew a huge and very influential crowd. For the last few years of my life I had been attending this even as a producer and songwriter and now here I was as a singer. It should have been a huge occasion for me but it was empty without her by my side.

The label really went all out for these nights. The place was decorated to give it a very decadent feel, the walls were covered in posters of the various artist who would be performing that evening, I rolled my eyes at the sight of my own face grinning falsely at me from the walls.

I couldn't help but sneer at the higher ups sipping their expensive champagne and talking about how talented all the artists were. They didn't give a shit about talent as long as money was coming into the bank.

I had been thinking and I knew that the money was Ethan Seniors sole interest in me. He didn't give a shit about me or my father, he just wanted to utilise our talent to turn a profit. I felt like the biggest fool in the universe for not seeing it before. I had been so naïve.

I felt Kyla slip her hand into mine before she started walking towards the bar, dragging me along behind her. She ordered us each a drink and began scanning the room while I fiddled nervously with my straw and stared into the depths of my vodka and orange juice.

"Hey Ash, isn't that the little blonde and black haired girl who were with Spencer at that awards show we saw on T.V.?" Kyla asked with interest.

I spun around to see who had caught her attention and sure enough it was Eva and that stunning black haired girl, Tilly, I'm pretty sure her name was. Eva must have looked up at the exact same time I did, because her eyes caught mine and she smiled hesitantly.

I returned her smile and then looked around her to see where Spencer was. Eva grabbed Tilly's hand and strode across to us. She had a thin, almost hostile smile on her face as she looked at Kyla standing beside me. _Oh shit,_ I thought, _she thinks Kyla and I are a couple! Firstly ew, that's my baby sister and secondly how could she think I would move on from Spencer so quickly?_ I guess in my head I continently forgot that I had assumed Spencer had moved on with Tilly, only coming to my senses when I got bitch slapped by my oh so lovely sister.

Eva stepped in front of me and smiled warily, "Hello Ashley. You remember Tilly?" she gestured to the woman holding her hand.

I nodded and smiled tentatively, "Hi Eva, hello Tilly, it's great to see you both again. This is Kyla, my _sister,_" I said making sure to emphasise the word sister. Eva's eyes widened and a sheepish look crossed her face.

"Oh, hi I'm Eva and this is my girlfriend Tilly," Eva said with a warm smile for Kyla who reached out and took her offered hand before shaking Tilly's.

Tilly was dating Eva? Since when? And wasn't Tilly signed with Marks Records? How the hell is it that she can be out and still be signed with them? What the fuck was going on? Had I missed the memo?

Tilly caught on to the confused look on my face and smiled sympathetically, "For the record yes the label is aware that I am gay. I told them before I signed with them and made it clear that if they couldn't accept that I was going to look elsewhere for a record deal." Kyla gaped at her then shot me a pointed look while Eva just looked sad.

I swallowed hard and nodded, "Well I'm happy for you, I am looking forward to hearing you sing later Ethan has been singing your praises. And I'm happy for you two as well, how long have you been together?"

Eva beamed at the younger woman and squeezed her hand, making my heart ache for what I was missing. "Well it's only been a little while that we've been official, but I have been crazy about her since the second I met her."

"I'll second that," Tilly added with a grin which earned her a chaste kiss from Eva.

I forced a smile onto my face and glanced behind Eva looking for a flash of golden hair and a hint of ocean blue eyes. Eva glanced at me and smiled despondently before murmuring softly, "She's not here Ashley." I snapped my eyes up to look at her. "She just couldn't be here, it was a bit too hard for her I think. She is filming tonight as well," Eva explained.

I nodded and downed the rest of my drink. Tilly reached out and squeezed my shoulder gently. I smiled at her and sighed before asking, "How is she?"

Eva smiled kindly, "She's ok, it helps that her father and brother are visiting at the moment and she's been working hard on the film and helping Tilly. She's keeping busy you know. I think she would really like to hear from you Ashley. Just because you guys aren't together doesn't mean you can't be in contact. She won't call you though, she's too fucking stubborn for that."

I nodded my head and was saved the trouble of responding when Ethan came over. He smiled kindly, but hesitantly, he seemed wary around at us. I guess he would have to be pretty freaking stupid to not know that pretty much all of us harboured images of him being eaten by like a bear or something…wait just me? Ah well, I guess what I'm saying is he was not widely popular with us.

"Hello ladies, sorry to interrupt Ashley but you're due on stage in about twenty minutes," He mumbled so quietly that I had trouble hearing him over the music. I nodded and turned back to Eva, Kyla and Tilly.

"So I'm gonna head back stage, I'll see you all later. Tilly I look forward to hearing you perform later," I said with a friendly smile. Now that I knew she didn't have any feelings for Spencer I could actually start to like her. A task that was made easier by how sweet and strong she seemed to be.

I kissed Kyla on the cheek and left her with the others to go get ready. I heard Ethan following along behind me, but paid him no attention. I had to focus before I went on stage. The songs I was going to perform shortly were filled with intense emotions, ones that I had no trouble drawing on giving the current state of my life, but it still took me a moment to get to the point I needed in order to perform them to the best of my ability.

I walked into the back room to warm up and felt Ethan's presence behind me. I spun around and looked at him expectantly. He shuffled his feet nervously, cleared his throat and then started speaking, "So I, um I talked to Spencer and she wants your permission to use a few of your songs in her movie."

I stared at him stunned, she wanted to use my songs? The songs that had upset her so much? I was also kind of hurt she didn't call me personally and ask, I guess she was being professional by going through the proper channels.

I bit my lip and nodded, "Of course, she can use all of them if she wants, but out of curiosity which ones did she ask for?" I swallowed hard and leant heavily against the wall.

"She said Always was the main one she wanted, but she also said she would like to use More Than A Love Song and Come On Get Higher or Hold. I was thinking, Always is going to be your next single, we could time the release of it with the release of the film. That's what we're doing with Tilly's first single. It's the main song from the film actually," Ethan explained.

I nodded and thought about it. I wasn't really surprised she chose Always that song had come into existence (for the most part) while she was sitting beside me. She was a part of that song, not just the inspiration. I was a little surprised by some of her other choices though. More Than A Love Song and Hold had been two of the songs that she had been particularly upset over.

"Tell her she can use any song she wants Ethan, make it happen for her, whatever it takes," I ordered with a determined expression on my face.

"Of course." I went to walk over to my guitar when he said softly, "I also apologised to her Ashley."

I spun around to face him and stared at him in shock. "What?" I choked out as my eyes narrowed into a glare.

Ethan took a deep breath and said, "I apologised to her for my part in what happened to you two. I told her I was stupid and blindly followed my father's lead. I handled the whole situation so badly."

I opened my mouth but slammed it shut when his words sunk in. He had blindly followed his father and that is exactly what I had done. We were both fucking fools!

I was going to speak when Ethan started talking again in a forlorn tone, "I also have to admit that I let my feelings for Spencer take over and that meant I wasn't entirely professional. I have liked her for the longest time and even though I knew she could never love me back I couldn't seem to stop how I felt. I apologised to her and now I want to apologise to you. Ashley we were friends and I have let you down, both as a friend and producer. I am so sorry."

I stared at him with my mouth hanging open in shock. I shook my head and let out a bitter little laugh, "You expect me to just forgive you Ethan? It's going to take more than empty words for that to happen! I know I'm not innocent here, but you screwed us over Ethan!"

Ethan hung his head and looked ashamed, "I know and I don't expect you or Spencer to forgive me. I fucked up and I know that. My apology may mean nothing to you, but I had to say it. I hope one day you can forgive me."

I shook my head again and scooped up my guitar, "I have to get ready to go on stage so can you give me some space?" I snapped at him. Ethan looked sadly at me and then nodded before scurrying out of the room.

I didn't know what to do with his apology, it was unexpected to say the least. I had no idea what I was supposed to do now. Did I forgive him? Did I kick the crap out of him? It was all so confusing.

I sat down and strummed my guitar and started singing some scales to warm up my voice. I didn't get to do a full warm up (thank you Ethan!) before I was called on stage to launch my second single.

I stood in the wings and watched at Ethan stepped up to the microphone. He cleared his throat and began to speak, "I want to welcome you all to the Annual Marks Records Showcase!" He paused to let everyone clap, "Each year we present our newest artists and tonight it no exception. We have an incredible line up of singers tonight and to kick things off we would like to officially launch the second single from Ashley Davies! It is my pleasure to present Ashley Davies singing her second single from her debut album of the same name, What I Didn't Say."

The club went wild with applause. I plastered a smile on my face and strode out to the microphone. I waved out to everyone, catching sight of Kyla standing with Eva and Tilly near the bar.

"Hey everyone! I hope you all have an awesome night, here is my latest single, What I Didn't Say. It's about those moments where you wish you'd said or done more to keep the person you love from walking away."

I stepped back and closed my eyes as the music started playing. I stepped closer to the microphone and started to sing, opening my eyes and seeing only Spencer. I sang the song, pouring in every ounce of agony and pain I had felt since I had watched her walk away from me. By the time I had finished the song I was trembling and blinking back tears.

I forced a smile out over the crowd which was cheering and clapping loudly. I bowed my head slightly and then went into my next song, each artist was playing three songs for the showcase.

Next I launched into Common Ground and couldn't help but grin as many people started singing along to the lyrics. It meant a lot that people actually liked my music enough to learn the lyrics.

After finishing Common Ground to enthusiastic applause I grinned out at everyone and said into the microphone, "Thank you all so much, you've been great. For my last song I'd like to sing a song that is everything I should have said to someone who deserved so much better from me. This song is called Always."

I looked over the crowd and saw only her face. Every word I sang I sang for Spencer. The words were for her. This song was my apology, my vow, my plea for forgiveness that I was scared I would never get or that I would never deserve to get. I sang loudly, but with emotion evident in my voice as the band played behind me.

Once I finished there was a second of total silence and then the crowd erupted into thunderous applause that quite frankly intimidated me. I blushed and smiled out at them all before heading off stage. I found Tilly back stage waiting her turn to perform, she was on after me.

I stepped closer to her and smiled kindly while I asked, "You nervous?"

She bit her lip and nodded, "Yeah, after that performance you just gave I don't think I can follow that!"

I chuckled, "Of course you can. You're good Tilly, and I know you can do this." I patted her on the shoulder and went to walk past her when she stopped me with a hand on my wrist.

I spun around to face her and smiled at her expectantly. Tilly sighed and then said softly, "You are aware that Spencer is helping me in large part because of you right?"

I felt my eyes widen and my eyebrows practically disappear into my hairline, "Because of me? What are you talking about?"

Tilly smiled thinly before answering, "She has never said anything, but I'm not stupid. She sees you in me. Now don't get me wrong, Spencer is one of my closest friends, she is a hero to me and I know she is helping me because she thinks I'm talented and she's just a nice person giving me my start, but a part of her is doing it for you. She knew that I would never hide my sexuality from the world and saw me as a way to make you see that you can be out and still make music."

Tilly grinned and picked up her guitar, "Spencer is so in love with you that even the first time I met her I could tell she was a woman with a broken heart, but who still loved deeply. She wants you to see that you can really have it all. You can have love and a life in the open while still making music. I know I haven't even released my first single yet so I am still an unknown commodity, but my sexuality will not hold me back. I hope one day you can say the same."

Tilly squeezed my shoulder once more and then turned to walk to the side of the stage. I stepped through the door and joined Kyla and Eva at a table they had managed to find near the stage. I was floored by what Tilly had said. Spencer had really helped Tilly to prove a point to me? I wondered if it had been a conscious gesture on her part.

I took a seat next to Kyla and took the drink she handed me. I barely heard their words of congratulations for the performance well done because I was drowning in the words that people had thrown at me. It had been a full on twenty-four hours for deep and meaningful talks! I thought my brain was going to explode, thus proving I have one I suppose.

I turned my eyes to the stage as Ethan once again stepped out to the microphone. "Hello again ladies and gentlemen, I now have the privilege of introducing the newest artist to join Marks Records, Tilly Kline! Tilly will be performing songs from her upcoming debut album. The first song she will be singing will be featured in the latest film directed by Spencer Carlin and is called Lost In You. It was written by Spencer Carlin. Please welcome Tilly to the stage," Ethan called into the microphone.

I stared at the stage, so I was about to hear a song written by Spencer. I felt shivers of anticipation run across my body. I swallowed hard as Tilly stepped up to the microphone. She beamed out over the crowd, her eyes locking on Eva's. "Hey everyone, I just wanted to thank a woman who made all my dreams a reality, Spencer Carlin. It is an honour and a privilege to sing her songs tonight. I also wanted to say thank you to my girlfriend, Eva, for her support," Tilly said. Eva blew her girl a kiss and I wanted to cry.

The entire room applauded Tilly and smiled warmly at Eva who sat grinning proudly. The only sour face was Ethan Senior, big surprise there.

Tilly started strumming her guitar and then the drum and bass kicked in. She stepped up to the microphone and looked out at the audience as she started singing.

"I always knew that you'd come back to get me  
and you always knew that it wouldn't be easy  
To go back to the start to see where it all began  
Or end up at the bottom to watch how it all ends

You tried to lie and say I was everything  
I remember when I said I'm nothing without you (I'm nothing without you)"

You could read the emotions on her face, hear them in her voice as she sung Spencer's words. I felt each word like a blow and wondered if that was how Spencer felt when she listened to my album. Tilly looked straight at me as she launched into the chorus and it almost felt like I was hearing every word straight from Spencer's lips.

"Somehow I found a way to get lost in you  
Let me inside, let me get close to you  
Change your mind, I'll get lost if you want me to  
Somehow I've found a way to get lost in you

You always thought that I left myself open  
But you didn't know I was already broken  
I told myself that it wouldn't be so bad  
But pulling away, it took everything I had

You tried to lie and say I was everything  
I remember when I said I'm nothing without you (I'm nothing without you)"

I blinked back tears as I took in the words. I know, or I can imagine, just how much it cost her to walk away from me. I can still vividly remember the broken look of pure, unadulterated agony on her face as she walked out of her kitchen that morning. I could remember screaming that she was my everything, it killed me to think she saw that as a lie. It wasn't.

"Somehow I found a way to get lost in you  
Let me inside, let me get close to you  
Change your mind, I'll get lost if you want me to  
Somehow I've found a way to get lost in you

In you"

I watched the strain in Tilly's muscles, the tension in her body as she belted out the next lot of lyrics. The words weren't hers, but she was doing a scarily good job of bringing them to life. She was pouring so much into the lyrics that I had to assume she and Spencer had spoken at length about what happened between us or that she had experienced something similar herself.

"The pain of it all  
The rise and the fall  
I see it all in you  
Now everyday  
I find myself say  
I want to get lost in you  
I'm nothing without you

Somehow I found a way to get lost in you  
Let me inside, let me get close to you  
Change your mind, I'll get lost if you want me to  
Somehow I've found a way to get lost in you (somehow I've found)  
A way to get lost in you (A way to get lost in you)

A way to get lost in you"

The last chorus was brutal, it was raw and intense. You could hear the pain and anguish, the loss and desperation, the longing and pleading. All of it made me feel sick to my stomach, I was the cause of all that pain. Tilly had done an amazing job and the entire room was on their feet cheering and clapping.

Once the audience had taken their seats and she had started playing an original song Eva got out of her seat and walked over to me. She wrapped an arm around my shoulders and looked down at me. "Spencer wrote that song about five days after she broke up with you, it was the first night she spent back in her house since that day. It's pretty hard to hear isn't it?" Eva asked gently.

I nodded and bit my lip, saying nothing. I had no idea what to say. Eva hugs me to her and murmurs quietly so that just I could hear her, "Spencer is my best friend and I hate seeing her hurting like this so this is where I warn you that if you don't pull your head out of your ass I am going to kick the shit out of you." I jumped back a little and looked at her in horror.

Eva smirked and pulled me closer, "With that said Davies, I like you and I know that once you get over your shit then you will make my best friend really happy. Listen to the words of her song, think about it. She would do anything for you, besides hide anymore. Now I know Arthur came to see you today and I also know that Kyla gave you a talking to, she told me. I also bet that my girlfriend said a few choice words to you before you went on stage. I know that you are getting it from all sides so maybe you should actually start listening to us. I don't know just a thought." Eva shrugged, pecked me on the cheek and walked back to her seat.

I looked up at the stage and watched as Tilly finished her second song to thunderous applause. She was openly gay and no one besides Ethan Senior seemed to give a crap. What the hell was wrong with me? What the fuck was I doing?

I got to my feet, not entirely sure what I was intending on doing when Kyla grabbed my arm and spun me around. "You aren't going to Spencer until you sort your shit out or you're just going to hurt her more than you already have," She said gently, her soft tone taking some of the bite out of her words.

I looked around the club in desperation, I had no idea what to do. I was spinning out of control and on the verge of losing her. I felt it. She said she would wait but I knew there was an expiration date on that. Plus it was unfair of me to make her wait indefinitely. I owed her so much better than that.

I looked back at Kyla and nodded before asking in a tired, strained voice, "Will you call your therapist friend and get me the next available appointment?"

Kyla grinned, "Already did it this afternoon. You're going to see her tomorrow morning at 11." I stared at her in shock for a moment and then smiled gratefully. Kyla pulled me into her arms and held me close.

We stood like that for a while until I heard a male voice clear their throat behind us. I turned my head to find Ethan standing there with a nervous, yet excited expression on his face. I glared at him and waited for him to speak.

"Sorry to interrupt, I just have some news for you," Ethan began. I motioned impatiently with my hand for him to continue. Ethan shuffled his feet a little before speaking again, "Well I was just informed that you have been nominated for four MTV Music Awards for Common Ground!"

I glanced over at Kyla who was beaming like a clown hopped up on meth and then felt a smile spread across my face. Wow this was incredible! I had not been expecting this. I owed it all to Spencer, she had worked so hard to get the video just right.

I turned back to Ethan and smiled, "Thanks Ethan, that's great!"

Ethan smiled hesitantly, encouraged somewhat by me not glaring at him as much anymore, and said, "Well I have more news. MTV have presented us with a rather unique offer. They are offering a huge sum of money if we hold off releasing the video to What I Didn't Say. They want to show it live at the awards show if you win, otherwise they want to launch it right after the awards show ends as a world exclusive. Apparently they are launching a different new music video for each ad break and you first award is right before an ad"

I looked at Kyla who looked impressed. It was an amazing opportunity to launch my newest video in a way that will guarantee maximum exposure. I looked over at Ethan and beamed widely, "Yeah that sounds incredible. I say we go for it, hell even if I don't win the launch after the awards show is pretty great!"

Ethan nodded and a funny little smile crossed his face, "I'm glad you think so, now we have to get Eva and Tilly over here because I have something I really need to talk to you about."

I looked at him confused and asked, "What? What could you possibly have to talk to all of us about?"

Ethan smiled again and said, "Let's just get them and I promise I will explain everything."

I looked at Kyla, who shrugged, before turning back to Ethan and nodding while glaring at him suspiciously. He grinned and led us off to find the others. My mind was going crazy with what he could possibly have to talk to us about.

**Song used in this Chapter:**

**Lost In You by Three Days Grace **

**(the lovely mutt009 recommended this song to me for one of my earlier fics so I want to send out my thanks for introducing me to one of my fav songs!)**


	37. The Plot Thickens

**Thank you reviewers and readers!**

freakanatomy, bethers85, LoveAsh87 – Thanks heaps!

imaferrari – I'd say Ashley is definitely on info overload! As for Ethan time will tell

slushhy – Thanks I love that song. The end is drawing close

WillowOn3 – Welcome back! Hmm I don't see Ashley as alone or inferior. I guess I see her as flawed and all too human. She's making mistakes and hopefully learning from them. Hey no threats of violence or I might have to hold of posting new updates!

WhoaJoey – Glad you came out of lurker mode, thanks so much for your review!

LadiiMouse – Keep hope alive girl! Thanks, I'm taking your addiction as a compliment!

DarceLynn –Ashley is stronger than she thinks she is, hence why she was able to perform after all that

Tear-Storming Sea – A sledgehammer works too. Glad you like the story, as for what might happen to Ashley if she comes out, well resentment for lying is a possibility, but we'll see. I think people are pretty forgiving

mutt009 – Ashley needed to hear what they all had to say, sometimes the message has to be rammed home! You're very welcome, thank you for recommending the song to me! I downloaded it after you suggested it and instantly fell in love with it. I've always wanted to use it in a fic, just had to wait for the right moment.

2bz2breading – Thanks, I agree therapy for Ashley is much needed!

uluvme – Oh I agree completely, it is unfair that Tilly got to sign while still being out and Ashley couldn't. The reason for that will come out in a few chapters. I also agree that Ethan's apologies to both Spencer and Ashley in no way redeem him for what he did, it's a start. And thanks, that is one of my all time favourite songs. As for the talk...I'm not telling!

**A little titbit for you, I have actually ****just finished writing this fic and it ends at chapter 41 so only a handful to go!**

**Usual disclaimer – SoN is not mine, I do however own Tilly, Harrison and the lovely Eva!**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Thirty-Seven – ****The Plot Thickens**

"And cut! Ok moving on!" I called out loudly as the scene ended. I so had chills going up my spine, it was a pretty heady experience to see the screenplay I had slaved over coming to life in front of my eyes. No matter how many productions I had been involved in the magic of it still astounded me. I hoped that would never change.

We had been filming for twelve days now and everything was going surprisingly well. The cynic in me was anxiously awaiting the proverbial shit to hit the fan, while the hopeless dreamer in me was just enjoying the moment, seeing the success as fate or something.

"Coffee Miss Carlin," Gemma said as she handed over a fresh cup, my forth of the day. The shoot the night before had run late so I was working on about 3 hours of sleep (which I'm ashamed to say I had in my office because I didn't quite make it home), not a good thing.

I smiled at the young redhead and took the cup gratefully, "Thanks Gemma, but please call me Spencer, don't make me ask you again." I smiled warmly at her and she blushed hotly before nodding and running off to help the crew get ready for the next scene. I chuckled to myself and took a sip of my lifeline. Ah heaven in a cup!

"I think she has a crush on you," I heard Tilly say as she took a seat beside me with a big smirk on her face.

I laughed and threw back my head, "You're being ridiculous Til, she's like 18 and I'm almost thirty!"

Tilly chuckled and shook her head, "Spencer you're 27, which is like years away from 30, and seriously what has your age got to do with it? Even though you are practically a cougar it doesn't mean she can't be into you and that girl has got it bad!"

I shook my head again and took another sip of my coffee. I slipped off my head set and turned to face Tilly more fully. "So how was the showcase last night? I saw the pictures in the paper this morning and it looked impressive. There was even a shot of you singing your little butt off up on stage!" there had also been a few shots of Ashley looking more beautiful than I could ever remember seeing her, just for the record.

Tilly blushed and giggled, "Really?"

"Yeah, really. I am so proud of you Til!" I said as I pulled her into a warm hug. "So how was the showcase?" I asked again grinning at the younger woman.

"It was pretty incredible actually. They went all out, the club was very luxuriously decorated and there were these huge posters of all the artists performing everywhere. It is so embarrassing but Eva totally stole one of me and now has it on the wall in her living room," Tilly shook her head and laughed.

I grinned, that sounded like my Eva! Also kinda sounded like me, when I was at the launch of Ashley's single I was a hairs breath away from stealing one of the posters of Ashley. "So how did people respond to the songs? I bet they went crazy for the one you wrote." I asked with a proud smile, two of the songs Tilly performed I had written while the other was an original one of hers.

Tilly got a strange little look on her face for a moment before she flashed me an excited grin and said, "The songs were a hit, especially Lost In You. I was in awe at how much that song spoke to people. I always knew it spoke to me, but it moved the entire room. I swear I even saw people tearing up."

I blushed shyly and beamed up at her, "Seriously? People really liked that song?" I had never seen song writing as a skill of mine, I wrote screen plays not lyrics. I had always dabbled with songs but never with any luck. Maybe I just had to have the right inspiration?

"Yeah seriously, people loved it. There was one person in particular who was especially affected by it," Tilly murmured, her stormy grey eyes locked on mine, probably to gauge my reaction.

I swallowed hard and began fidgeting with my hands before running them through my long blonde hair, a nervous habit I had picked up from my Dad. As soon as my hands were in my hair you could pretty much guarantee that I was distresses, angry or upset. I often had a good poker face, but my hands always gave me away. I whispered, "Ashley."

Tilly nodded then moved closer and covered my hand with hers. She smiled sympathetically and said softly, "She's struggling with this Spencer. She is dealing with a lifetime of her father's self-hatred and her own insecurities as best she can. She loves you."

I smiled thinly and sighed, "I know she does. I just wish love was enough."

Tilly laughed bitterly, "If it was a perfect world then it would be, sadly we live in a deeply flawed world were each person is more fucked up than the next. All we can offer each other, truly, is understanding. You have given her that and now it is up to Ashley to figure out her shit. But I thought you'd want to know how much that song moved her."

I tilted my head and smiled wistfully, "It seems like Ash and I communicate through songs a fair bit these days. I almost wish I had been there to see her reaction, to talk to her about the song. I didn't want to hurt her with it, anymore than she wanted to hurt me with her album I guess. That's the thing though, we never mean to hurt each other and yet we always seem to."

Tilly nodded and squeezed my hand, "Look at it this way, would you two be so hurt by each other if you didn't love each other as much as you do? I mean would her songs hit you like a fucking punch in the guts if you didn't love her so much?"

I smiled and shook my head, "No, you're right. This wouldn't hurt so much if there weren't genuine feelings between us. Ok enough about this depressing stuff! Tell me more about the showcase."

Tilly rolled her eyes at me good naturedly and began to fill me in, "Well it was pretty great. I met all these artists, execs, producers song writers. We're talking about people I have admired and idolised since I was a kid and I got to meet them and have them tell me they liked my music. It was a dream come true. Although Eva did get a little jealous when this older woman tried to hit on me. I have no idea what she said to her, but Eva leaned in whispered something in her ear and the woman bolted. Eva is so lucky I think she's so cute or I'd kick her to the kerb for a stunt like that!" Tilly giggled and I joined in. Eva could be a tad jealous at times.

"Yeah Eva has a slight jealousy problem, ya might wanna talk to her about that!" I chuckled.

I saw Tilly beaming at someone behind me so I turned my head to find my grinning father behind us with two plates full of delicious looking food. Since Dad had arrived in L.A. the food services table on my film set had improved dramatically, so much so I was having to use the threat of physical violence to keep some actors and crew memebers on set and away from the food while we were filming.

Dad wandered forward and handed us each a plate stacked high with food. I beamed up at him and said, "Thanks Dad, but I can't really eat right now we've got another scene to film in like 2 minutes once it's all set up."

Dad fixed me with a stern look and replied, "No young lady you are going to eat. Now I know you didn't have dinner last night and you have been inhaling coffee all morning on an empty stomach that is just not good enough!"

I looked down and mumbled, "I totally ate half a Snickers bar that I found on the floor of my car." I looked up and was met with twin expressions of disgust.

Tilly wrinkled up her nose and shook her head, "Ew Spence, that's nasty."

"What? It was still in the wrapper!" I tried to defend myself. Yeah there is no defence for my icky eating habits. BUT in my defence I was really hungry.

Dad shook his head and pointed at the plate in my lap, "Eat now." I rolled my eyes and started in on the food. I saw Tilly do the same beside me. Once he was sure we were eating Dad leaned in and kissed my forehead and headed back over to the food table.

"Man your Dad is awesome!" Tilly said through a mouthful of food.

"Wow talking with your mouthful, you and Eva are so meant to be!" I teased, earning me a glare and the finger. I just chuckled.

We ate in silence for a few minutes, I hadn't realised just how famished I was. I was just swallowing a rather huge and unlady-like mouthful when I caught Tilly laughing at me, "Whaff?" I asked with a stuffed mouth.

Tilly shook her head and smirked at me, "I was just thinking that for someone who didn't want any food you are sure going to town! It's so very sexy Miss Carlin." I rolled my eyes and slugged her playfully in the arm.

I swallowed down the food and glared at her, "You're mean!"

Tilly chuckled, "Nah I'm all sweet and shit, isn't that why Eva is so into me?"

I nodded, "Hmm sure it is." I shook my head and smiled at her, "In all seriousness though you wanna know why she is so into you?" Tilly nodded with a grin. "Well it's because you don't let her get away with anything! You are the only woman who can keep up with her, she needs someone who can challenge her and not let her hide behind all the fronts she tries to put on. You are exactly what she needs and I have to admit I have never seen my best friend so into anyone who wasn't her car."

Tilly laughed and them beamed warmly at me, "Thanks Spence, that means a lot. I'm kind of crazy about her, she might be a nut but she's my nut." We both giggled and were soon distracted by Harrison storming over to us all flustered.

"Spencer! Your brother is a nightmare! Would you please tell him to get away from the wardrobe area? If I have to stop him from trying on the costumes one more time, particularly the women's ones, I am going to have to kick his ass," Harrison grumbled with a scowl.

I chuckled, "yeah for some strange reason Glen has always had a fascination with dressing up, I keep telling him he would make a great drag queen." Tilly and Harrison both laughed.

I glanced over and saw my big brother ambling over towards us, "Hate to say it Harry but I think my brother has a man crush on you," I drawled.

Harrison's eyebrows shot up towards his hairline making Tilly and I chuckle. Harrison's eyes bugged out of his head as he choked out, "Isn't he like married or something?"

I rolled my eyes and scoffed, "yeah married with four kids and 100 per cent straight, doesn't mean he doesn't have a man crush on you Harry!" I beamed up at Glen as he stood beside my chair and wrapped an arm loosely around my shoulder.

"Hey baby sis, hey Tilly, how's it going?" Glen asked with a huge smile. Harrison was looking at him suspiciously and I was fighting the urge to laugh loudly.

"It's going good Glen, but I hear you have been bothering my costume designer and getting in his way. Haven't we have a few hundred conversations about your cross dressing? Brother I am in support of whatever you want to do, but please don't be stretching out the costumes, we do not have time to alter them after they've all been warped to fit your fat ass!" I teased, earning me a laugh from Tilly and Harrison and a glare from Glen.

"That's not cool Spence, not cool at all!" Glen grumbled before stomping off towards Dad at the food services table. I shook my head and laughed again.

"Harry I think my big brother is going to leave you and the costumes alone from now on, he gives you any trouble I say you call my Dad over and let him sort it out. Now where is my intern?" I asked looking around for Gemma. We were over due to be starting on the next shot.

"If you mean the girl who is in love with you, well she is over there with your DP," Tilly teased with a smirk.

"Ah yeah our little Gemma is definitely infatuated with Madame Director here, its cute actually. So Sweet Pea what are you going to do about your little admirer?" Harrison asked with a smirk of his own.

I glared at them both, "There is nothing there, she is my intern and you two need to stop being mean to me!" Tilly and Harrison laughed loudly.

Harrison leaned in and dropped a kiss on my forehead before fleeing over to the wardrobe area to help the actors get ready for the next scene. I smiled as Gemma wandered back over, sending Tilly a subtle glare to get her to stop smirking, it didn't work.

Gemma reached my side and blushed a little as she said, "We're almost set up for the next shot Miss...um Spencer. It should be another ten minutes or so, they're just having a minor problem with the lighting for the scene."

"Ok thanks Gem, do you think you could grab me a bottle of water?" I asked with a kind smile. Gemma nodded enthusiastically and walked briskly off to get my water.

"Ah what she wouldn't do for you Spence," Tilly taunted me with what I would describe as an evil look on her face.

"Shut up Til, you're crazy. Please drop it?" I asked with a chuckle.

Tilly smirked at me teasingly, "Ok I'll drop it for now, but the fact still remains that your intern so has the hots for you Spence." I groaned, making her chuckle before she continued, "I also have some news I found out at the Showcase."

"Hmm what's that Til?" I asked as I scanned the sheet in front of me with the scenes we were shooting that day. We were running about an hour behind schedule, which meant a long day. That did not thrill me much given how little sleep I was working on.

Tilly looked down at her hands and then back up at me, "Well it turns out Ashley was nominated for a few MTV Music awards."

I smiled widely, I was so proud of her. "That's amazing, I'm so happy for her. Do you know what she's nominated for?" Hey even if she'd broken my heart I could still be happy for her success.

"Yeah she's been nominated for Video of the Year, Best Female Video and Best New Artist. I heard from execs that she has a good shot at winning, actually you should be flattered too seeing as she wouldn't be nominated without the hard work you put into her video," Tilly said with a huge grin.

"Me? No it was all Ashley...and a little me," Tilly and I both laughed and I shook my head, "I poured so much into the video for Common Ground and I am glad that it is being recognised. I hope she wins, it will be a big coup for her career."

"Yeah Eva told me you were like a psycho crazy bitch in the prep for the video and on set during filming. She said working with you was worse than she imagines working with the diva antics of someone like Paris Hilton!" Tilly said with a serious expression.

I huffed, kind of insulted by the comparison, "Well I think that is a gross exaggeration. And speaking of my so called best friend, where is Eva? I haven't seen her on set all day. If she wants her producer creds she'd better show up to set on occasion."

Tilly looked down, actually she looked anywhere that wasn't my eyes and stammered out, "Um, well...uh I think she uh had some editing to do at the um office? I think that's what she said. I'm sure she'll be back on set tomorrow."

I narrowed my eyes at the black haired woman sitting beside me and scanned her from her nervously fidgeting hands to her avoidy eyes. Me thinks Miss Tilly was telling me a fib. "Hmm is that right Til? For some odd reason I think you're lying to me, I wonder why that is?" I said sarcastically.

Tilly's eyes widened to a point where I almost laughed at her. She fixed what I'm sure was an innocent expression on her face before choking out, "What? What are you talking about Spence? Of course I'm telling you the truth."

I laughed and shook my head, "Tilly you are a shitty liar my dear, I'm not buying it. So tell me, where is Eva today?"

Tilly bit her lip and looked up at me, trying hard to keep her eyes on me when she obviously wanted to look away. "I told you I think she's editing or something, she'll be back tomorrow I promise," she murmured. I was about to argue with her when she grinned in relief and climbed to her feet, "hey Gemma is the next scene ready to shoot?"

I turned my head and found Gemma standing behind us with the marker. Gemma smiled widely and nodded, "yeah, they're ready for you on set Spencer."

I got up and glared at Tilly, mouthing, "This isn't over Kline!" Tilly just shrugged and ran off in the direction of my Dad. I sighed and followed Gemma over to the set where the next scene was being filmed.

I headed over to my DP, scanning the lighting and set decoration as I went. "We all good here Gretel?" I asked the tall grey haired woman who had been the director of photography on all the films I'd made since I'd graduated college.

"Yep we're good to go, the lighting was a little too bright and was wrecking the ambiance of the scene so we've adjusted it. Now it's not going to blind your actresses," Gretel said with a smirk.

"Ah that's good, can't have them being blinded on set, it might hold up production," We both laughed and I leaned down to check the shot through the camera. Satisfied with the set up I headed over to my chair, which Gemma had very thoughtfully dragged over to the set.

"Thanks Gem, can you go get Jean and Hilary from wardrobe...or more accurately drag their asses away from the food table and my Dad's cooking?" I asked with a grin. Gemma nodded and bolted off to find our actresses.

"She so likes you Spence," Tilly whispered in my ear, making me jump like a foot in the air. I spun around to kick her ass...or at least give her the glaring of a lifetime, only to find her already jogging towards the car park laughing her ass off. Bitch.

I shook my head and settled down in my chair, ready to start filming the next scene. I smiled as Harrison sat beside me in the chair that was usually reserved for Eva, when she showed up to set. I was seriously suspicious. Not only was Tilly's rather crappy lying ability cause for suspicion, but Eva usually called me if she wasn't going to make it to set. Hmm something was up and I would eventually find out what it was!


	38. Long Awaited Phone Call

**Just gonna say, many of you have put forward theories as to what's going on. I, of course, will not be confirming or denying them. Read to find out, oh and thanks for reviewing!**

imaferrari – Ah good theory, like I said I won't confirm or deny. Thanks!

LadiiMouse – I don't see Gemma being a problem in this story

freakanatomy - Thanks, and soon you'll know how it ends

Ugtabkdnm3 – Wow thank you! That's awesome of you to say!

Tear-Storming Sea – Authors are evil, its kinda fun! The story is winding up so the suspense will not last too long!

Irishgrl33 – Sadly all good things must come to an end, but it means a lot that you're enjoying it!

ilovemyself26 – interesting theory…I can't (or won't) confirm or deny!

Your Relentless Lover – LOL, you're totally right Spencer wouldn't go for Gemma. Sequel…I don't know yet.

uluvme – Yeah I don't blame Gemma either, Spencer is smokin hot! I promise by the end of the story it will all make sense (well I hope so)

bethers85 – I kinda miss Spashley too. As for Eva, I'm not telling lol, patience is a virtue

Lilyeyama – Aw thank you! As for a sequel…hmm I dunno we'll see

DarceLynn – I don't think Gemma will be an issue in this story. As for Eva, I'm not saying a word!

LoveAsh87, ebonyedlove, 2bz2breading – Thanks for reviewing!

hugbuddy13, Harley Quinn Davidson, mutt009 – I can't tell you what's up with Eva, you'll just have to keep reading to find out!

**Usual disclaimer, SoN not mine**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Thirty-Eight – ****Long Awaited Phone Call**

I ambled inside my house and dropped my bag on the floor near the door, too tired to carry it any further. I was exhausted. It had been a long day of filming, not to mention I was working on three hours sleep after a big night of shooting.

I wandered into the kitchen and smiled at my Dad who was shuffling around getting some dinner ready. The kitchen smelt delicious. I beamed at him and heaved myself up onto the counter, smirking at his glare telling me to get down. My kitchen, my rules.

"So what's for dinner old man?" I asked with a teasing grin and my little head tilt that I knew he loved so much.

"Well I'm making lasagne and garlic bread. It makes you stinky but damn is it tasty!" I chuckled and leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. I loved having my Dad around, especially as it meant having my very own private cook! I was not looking forward to him going back to Ohio, and I honestly didn't think he was either.

I glanced out my sliding door, looking for my big brother and surprisingly didn't find him there. Glen had taken a liking to my houses beach front location, actually the house he was pretty keen on buying was also on the beach, just about fifteen minutes down the coast from mine. Close but not too close.

"Where's boy wonder?" I asked Dad, earning me a swift chastising look for my way of referring to my brother.

"He went to meet the players that will be on his basketball team, it was a meet and greet with the parents, players and coaches so they invited him along. He won't be back until later," Dad answered as he pulled the lasagne out of the oven, the delicious smells quickly wafting around my house and making my mouth water.

"Sweet more food for me!" I said enthusiastically as he carried our dinner to the table. I got up with the garlic bread in hand and took my seat while Dad served the food.

"You get more and more like your brother everyday, it is kind of disturbing kiddo," Dad teased. I stuck my tongue out at him and started digging into my food. An advantage of Mom not being there was that we weren't forced to say grace while watching our food go cold.

It had always irritated me that by the time Mom was done with her long winded, self-righteous blessing the food was lukewarm at best. Yucky.

I was about halfway through my dinner when I noticed my Dad looking at me with a strange expression. It was a mixture of concern, love and empathy. I tilted my head to the side and gazed at him with confusion.

He smiled softly and said gently, "I'm just worried about you Spence."

I swallowed the mouthful of dinner I'd just taken and asked, "Worried? Why?"

"Because you're so sad and it makes me sad to see it. Every days since we arrived I have watched you throw yourself into work or spending time with me and Glen or your friends, and it feels to me like you're hiding," He said in a quiet voice.

"Hiding from what?" I asked stupidly, I so already knew the answer to that question and was just being a glutton for punishment in asking him to clarify.

Dad smiled knowingly at me and said, "You're hiding from how you feel about Ashley. You love her Spencer, I have never seen you like this. I know she hurt you, I know having to hide your relationship hurt, but I get the feeling it is hurting you even more to be apart from her, am I right?" I nodded numbly, I had no words to say.

Dad reached over and patted my hand comfortingly, "You are going to be alright my girl. You are strong and brave and I am so proud of the woman you have become. All I ask is that you don't ever stop loving. People have great debates on what the meaning of life is, well here is the answer my daughter. The meaning of life is simply love. Love for friends, family and the wonder that is falling _in_ love."

I felt my lower lip tremble violently as I fought back tears. I swallowed heavily and looked up into his brilliant blue eyes and murmured, "Why do we do it Dad? Why do we give our hearts to people so much so that being without them almost kills us?"

Dad chuckled softly and smiled over at me, "It's simple Spence, because without love what else is there?"

I stared at him mutely, I had no words to respond to that. Dad nodded and finished his dinner while I sat and stared out the window at the violently crashing waves. Once he was finished Dad got to his feet and rested a gentle hand on my shoulder before leaning in to kiss me on the crown of my head. He picked up our plates and headed into the kitchen.

I stood carefully and moved out onto the deck. I sat on the edge with my legs dangling over the side and breathed in the salty air, letting it into my lungs as I fought to sort through my conflicting and confusing thoughts.

I pulled my cell out of the pocket of my jeans and looked down at it. I was about to dial the number I had burned in my mind when the phone started to ring and her name flashed across the screen. I smiled to myself. It was typical, I was thinking of calling her and she called me.

I snapped open the phone and raised it to my ear to murmur, "Hello Ashley," down the line.

"_Hey Spence, uh how are you?_" I heard her say softly, slight hesitation and nervousness in her raspy voice.

"I'm alright, how about you?" I ask with the same hesitation in my voice.

"_I'm ok, keeping busy you know_."

"Yeah I know, me too. So I heard the showcase went really well last night," I half whispered.

"_Yeah it did, I heard the songs you wrote, and they were amazing. Um I...God I don't want to do this fake small talk with you Spence I want to speak what's on my mind and not pretend_," she husked out, her voice full of emotions so intense it frightened me a little.

I swallowed hard and murmured, "then please say whatever you want, after everything that's happened between us we should at least be able to speak openly with each other."

I heard her sigh down the line before she started speaking again, "_That song, 'Lost In You' well now I guess I have some insight to how you felt when you heard my album for the first time. It is beautiful and moving and my God you are so talented, but I'd be lying if I said that song didn't get to me Spence_."

"I'm sorry I never wanted it to hurt you. It was just one of the few ways I could express how I was feeling right after we broke up, not that any of those feelings have really changed. I still feel it all, everything in that song," I whispered, my eyes closing as I rested my forehead against the railing around my deck where I was still sitting.

"_How do you feel Spencer, tell me?_" she requested so softly I hardly heard her.

"I feel sad, lost, confused, hurt and hopeful. I meant the words in that song. I meant them all, pulling away from you really did take everything I had," I said as the first tears started stinging my eyes.

I heard her swallow hard before she started speaking, "_Even though it was Tilly singing the words in my head all I saw was you singing them to me. Those words came from you to me and I felt every one of them. I want you to know that when I told you that you were everything I wasn't lying. Spencer you are my everything_."

I bit down on my lower lip to keep the tears at bay and took a few deep breaths before speaking again, "it's hard to believe that when you're actions say something else." I paused, but before she could speak up I started talking again, "I don't want to fight with you Ash, I told you that I would wait and I will. There isn't anything more to say than that. I'll wait for you to be ready."

There was a moment of silence on the line before I heard her breathe out, "_I'm sorry_."

I sighed and whispered, "I know you are Ash. So um can I ask what made you call me?"

I heard a fait chuckle down the line, the sound of which brought a slight smile to my lips. I had always loved the sound of her laughter. "_Well actually I called for a business related matter. Ethan told me you want to use some songs from the album for your film and I just wanted to tell you that you can use any and all of them if you want. Whichever ones you want I'd be honoured for you to use_," she said.

I had honestly expected Ethan to deal with this, but it was nice that she wanted to tell me herself. I smiled a tiny smile and said, "thank you Ash that means a lot."

"_My pleasure Spence. I can't wait to see the film once it's done. I heard it's going well_," she said gently.

"Yeah it is, who told you?" I asked softly, not in an accusing or aggressive way. I was just curious.

"_Eva told me. I'm so happy that it's all going well for you Spence, you are seriously talented so I have no doubt in my mind that this film is going to be great and really get people to notice how amazingly talented you are_," She said sincerely.

I smiled at her words, no matter the issues between us her opinion mattered a hell of a lot to me. I couldn't help but care a damn lot about what she thought. "Thanks Ash, that means a lot," I said softly as I climbed to my feet and walked down onto the sand. I sighed in contentment at the feeling of the smooth granules between my toes.

"_You on the beach?_" Ashley asked softly.

"Yeah I am, how'd you know?" I replied, my own voice soft as I looked out over the ocean.

I could hear the smile in her voice as she responded, "_Well for one I can hear the ocean and two you always sigh like that every time you step out onto the sand. It's a beautiful sound Spence, because you sound genuinely happy the moment your feet hit the beach_."

I grinned out over the empty beach before whispering down the line, "You remembered that?"

I heard her laugh a little, a tender warm chuckle that made me want to reach out and hold her in my arms desperately. "_Spencer I remember everything_." Was her simple answer, that sent goosebumps rising up all over me.

I was silent for a moment, but it wasn't an uncomfortable silence, it was rather just a moment for us to gather our thoughts and take in the sound of the other breathing down the line. I forgot how much comfort I could draw just from hearing her breathe beside me, or in this case on the phone.

After a little while I started to speak again, "So I heard you've been nominated for a few MTV Music awards."

I could practically feel her modest blush through the phone as she replied, "_Yeah I got a few nominations for Common Ground, so really the nominations are for you as much as they're for me. That video is only amazing because you made it that way. If it had been left up to me the video would have sucked, you turned a 3 and a half minute video into a mini movie that was genuinely touching and heartfelt. You deserve the nominations not me_."

I laughed softly then, "Ash just accept that you are a rock star and stop trying to pass on the credit. The song is amazing it inspired _us_ to make a great video and now you are being recognised for your hard work with these nominations. It's amazing Ashley, truly."

There was a moment of silence before she huskily whispered, "_Thank you Spence_."

"Any time Ash," I whispered back, my own voice getting a little husky. I looked up at the starry sky, well as starry as the sky near L.A and its pollution can ever be, and said softly into the phone, "You are doing so well Ash. The first single is well on its way to going platinum and is still selling like crazy. The album is exactly the same. I also heard that the second single is selling madly and the video hasn't even come out yet. That is all so incredible Ashley and a real testament to how talented you are." I paused and took a deep breath.

I exhaled slowly and murmured, "I don't want you to ever think that I am not proud of you. I am so proud of all you've accomplished. No matter what has happened between us I am still happy for you and proud of the music you are making."

I heard a few soft sniffles down the phone line before she cleared her throat and spoke in a voice raspier than usually with tears, "_I...uh I don't know what to say Spence. Thank you. You know the feeling is entirely mutual right?_"

I nodded, even though she couldn't see me, and breathed out, "yeah I know."

We were silent again for the moment, her breathing was heavy and I knew it was because she was fighting tears. I hated to think she was crying. I never wanted her to cry. I cleared my throat and started to talk, "so my Dad and brother are visiting me at the moment."

"_Oh yeah? How long for?_" she immediately asked. I could tell she wasn't just asking to be polite, she genuinely wanted to hear the information. She actually cared about what was going on with me. That made me smile.

"Well Glen, will be here indefinitely. He and his wife and kids are moving here. Jill and the kids will be joining him as soon as he gets a house for them and starts setting it all up. They've got 4 kids under 7 so the move is a big undertaking. I think my sister in law is going to have a nervous breakdown," I said with a chuckle I heard her mirror.

"_What about your Dad, how long is he here for?_"

"Um not too sure really, he didn't say. I know he's got to get back to work and...uh my Mom at some point, but I like having him here. It means I'm getting home cooked culinary miracles every night which has been kind of nice," We both laughed again.

I heard her voice become serious when she asked, "_So your Mom couldn't make the trip this time?_"

I involuntarily scoffed and then said bitterly, "No Mom couldn't make the trip. She hasn't been to L.A. since we moved away when I was 8."

"_I'm sorry Spence, it wasn't my place to ask that. I'm really sorry_," she said softly, immediately contrite.

"Ah shit, no it's ok. Sorry my Mom is just a sensitive topic for me. We don't get along would be the nice way of saying it. Hey could we talk about something else, I really don't want to talk about that woman, it always puts me in a bad mood," I said softly, already feeling guilty for snapping at her.

"_I get it, I'm sorry. My Mom has the same effect on me. We can of course talk about something else. How about you tell me more about your film?_" She said in a calm, soothing voice.

I proceeded to talk her ear off about my film. I told her all about the plot and the actors, most of whom I had begged and/or blackmailed to get them to do the film. I then told her all about the wonderful job my Dad was doing with the food services and how much people were dreading it being left up to me again.

"Oh and Harrison has been a god send, truly. His costumes are brilliant!" I gushed as I was ending my diatribe about my film.

"_Yeah I know he is a talented designer. Actually Eva got him to do the costumes for my latest music video_," Ashley said with a smile in her voice.

I bit my lip and said gently, "I'm sorry I wasn't there to film your music video myself."

"_It's ok Spence, I get it, I do. It would have been the most profound form of torture for both of us had you been on set. It's ok I understand_," She said kindly.

"I still feel like I should have been there. I know Sarah did a great job, I wouldn't have let her anywhere near the project if I hadn't been certain she would do it justice, but it should have been me," I lamented.

"_It's ok Spencer, truly it is. To be honest I'm just glad you're talking to me. I half expected you to hang up the phone the second you realised it was me on the line_," Ashley admitted with a self-deprecating chuckle.

"Ah you forget I answered the phone knowing full well you were on the other end, the joys of caller id. Ash no matter how things are between us I always like hearing from you, hearing your voice. Please don't ever feel like you can't call me. We may not be together now but we still mean something to each other don't we?" I asked in a trembling voice full of emotion.

"_Yes, you mean more than 'something' to me Spencer Isabel Carlin. You mean _everything_ to me_," Ashley said with the utmost sincerity. It was impossible not to believe the words coming out of her mouth when she said them with so much conviction.

"I feel the same way Ashley," I whispered so softly I was sure she wouldn't hear me, but of course she did. I think if I just mouthed the words she would still hear me.

Once again there was a moment of silence while we each grappled with our confessions, even though they weren't exactly shocking revelations we both still needed a minute to process them.

"So I read that article you did with about Aiden. How much trouble did that article get you into?" I asked with a smile. I was really pretty proud of her for that article.

Ashley laughed, a glorious musical sound that flowed through the phone and into my eager ears. "_Well Ethan Senior blew a fuse and bitched me out for a good long while, so long I actually dozed off once or twice. He has ordered that from now on I never go on an interview without my publicist there and that all questions be vetted in the future. He was not a happy bunny_."

I laughed and she soon joined in. I had half expected her to be freaking out about the article and it ramifications, instead she was laughing about it. She was definitely taking steps in the right direction.

"Well I for one am proud of you and I wanted to thank you for the kind words you said about me, they really meant a lot. Actually I have a copy of that article on the board in my office at work. You did good Ash," I said in a tender, soft voice.

"_Thanks Spence, I just didn't want to pretend with Aiden anymore, it hurt too much. I...uh...I ah I just, if I'm not out with you then I don't want to be out with anyone even if it is fake and all for publicity. It's you or nothing_," Ashley said, her voice cracking a little at the end.

I swallowed around the lump in my throat, "then I guess at the moment it's going to be nothing then isn't Ashley?"

"_Spence..._"

"No it's ok, I know this is going to take you time. I know you can't just jump into being with me openly right now and while that royally sucks for both of us, I understand. But I don't have to like it," the last sentence was said with just a hint of teasing. I was deadly serious, but she was suffering enough.

"_I really am trying Spence, I even went and saw a shrink today. I _am_ trying and I wanted you to know that,_" Ashley murmured down the phone.

I felt a single tear trickle down over my cheek as I whispered back, "That means more than I can express. I'll be waiting my love."

"_God how did I ever get lucky enough to find you Spencer Carlin?_" she asked breathily, tears evident in her tone.

I laughed softly, "I have no idea, maybe you were really good in a past life."

Ashley joined in my laughter for a moment and then we fell silent again. I sighed and smiled sadly. It was time to say goodbye. I think Ashley knew it too because I heard her let out a deep breath. "So I'd better go, I have had like a total of 3 hours sleep in the last two days and I am pretty exhausted. Um would you, uh would you maybe call me again some time?"

I heard the grin in her voice as she replied, "_It would be my pleasure. I'll call you soon. Sleep well Spence._"

"Good night Ash," I whispered before quietly snapping my phone closed and sliding it back into my pocket. I ran a hand through my long blonde hair and stared out at the tide as it rushed to the sand.

I rolled up my jeans and stepped closer to the water, letting the tide rush over my bare toes, shocking me as the frigid ocean hit my skin.

I stood there for a while, just trying to process everything that we had said. I could still hear her beautiful voice in my head, the raspy sexiness of it had always been like a drug to me and now that I wasn't hearing it on a regular basis I found I was craving it.

I stepped deeper into the cold ocean and stared up at the half full moon. I heard the sound of muffled footsteps behind me and turned slightly to see Glen walking towards me. I smiled at my big brother and turned back to look out over the dark water.

"What are you doing out here crazy?" Glen said as he stepped out beside me into the ocean, wincing as the cold water hit his legs.

"Just thinking big bro, just thinking," I murmured in response.

"A highly over rated past time if you ask me," He said with a smirk.

"Well that would explain why you so rarely do it!" I teased with a smirk of my own.

Glen chuckled and slung an arm around my shoulders, "yeah that must be it. So seriously why are you standing out in this freezing water when you should be inside catching up on some much needed sleep?"

I sighed, which I seemed to be doing a lot, and leaned into him, "Ashley called me and I guess I just needed a moment to process it all."

Glen nodded and held me tighter against his side. He didn't say anything more, he just stood beside me and held me close. Supporting me, while giving the space to think. He always knew just the right way to be there for me. I loved my big brother.

Once I started to shiver from the cold we started to trudge back up to the house with our arms linked together. "So how was your basketball meet and greet tonight?" I asked as we stepped up onto the deck.

"Great, the team seems like a nice bunch of guys and the parents seem alright. It will be great working with them. Oh and I signed the papers on that house today so I am officially an owner of a house in the City of Angels!" Glen said excitedly. I spun around and gave him a huge hug.

"That's awesome Glen! I'm so happy for you!" I squealed as he held me close.

"Thanks baby sis, and even better I spoke to Jill and she and the kids are coming out to meet me in three weeks! Isn't that amazing, I have missed them so much," Glen said as he lowered me to the deck and opened the sliding door to let me lead the way inside.

It was amazing news. Soon I'd have part of my family here permanently and I couldn't wait to spoil my brother's kids rotten!

It was with a smile on my face that I bid my father and brother good night and headed to my bed. As I lay under the covers I reached into my bag and pulled out my Ipod to listen to Ashley's album. I just needed to hear her.

With the soulful sounds of the woman I love flowing through my head phones I finally drifted off for some much needed sleep.


	39. Whatever It Takes

**Thank you to all who read and/or review!**

Your Relentless Lover – Ah never lose hope! As for the reunion…read on to find out!

DontMindBnCrazy – Thanks heaps! I do often do research for my stories, I want them to be fairly authentic. At the same time I do alter things to suit the story I'm trying to tell.

shayer – I was smiling so much when I read your review, thank you! I look forward to the happy dance!

uluvme – Yeah I am mean always making the girls cry!

mutt009 – Thanks. I think Spencer's people know that this isn't easy for Ashley either which is why they aren't lynching her yet

Lilyeyama – It was time for them to talk. As for a sequel, if I do one I'm glad you'll read it

hugbuddy13 – Arthur is fiercely loyal and feels he can't leave Paula after they lost a son

2bz2breading – Thank you. I think that deep down all parties are very aware that there is an expiration date on how long Spencer will wait for Ashley. For where she's at right now though, moving on is just not an option. She loves Ashley too much.

LoveAsh87, bethers85, freakanatomy, imaferrari – Wow thank you!

Ambeezy – Thanks for the review and your very kind words, made me smile!

DarceLynn – Yeah Arthur is kind of rad! Our girls needed to talk I'd say

LadiiMouse – I think everyone is hanging out for the reunion, we'll see how it pans out

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine, Tilly, Harrison and Eva are though**

**Not much of this story left….**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Thirty-Nine – ****Whatever It Takes**

I shuffled over to my sofa in my Hello Kitty slippers, baggy grey sweats and a black tank top with my hair up in a messy ponytail and my face totally devoid of all makeup. I plopped myself down in between Harrison and Eva, pulling my knees up against my chest and stared at the television screen. It was the night of the MTV Music awards and my people were out in force to watch the awards show with me.

On the armchair to my left was my Dad with a smile of quiet contentment on his face, on the sofa was me flanked by Eva and Harrison, Eva who was scarily insistent that I _had_ to watch this awards show not that I was planning on missing it. On the floor in front of Eva was Tilly, who had actually been invited to the awards by the label but she had politely declined in lieu of being with us. Glen was sprawled out in the love seat and Sarah, with her new girlfriend Bianca, was leaning back against it.

I had been all geared up to watch the awards show alone while going over paper work for the film (which was scheduled to be done shooting within a few days) and wallowing in self-pity, hence my daggy appearance, but then my people had all flocked in led by my Dad and Eva. I was touched and grateful to them. Especially grateful for the three bags of Doritos and tub of cookies and cream ice cream they had thoughtfully brought me.

While I was excited about the awards show, I was also nervous. I wanted so badly for Ashley to win. There was this feeling inside that told me that her winning an award tonight would be a huge step forward for her and our relationship. I couldn't explain why I felt that way, I just knew that I did. It didn't really make any logical sense, but my brain rarely does.

Since the night we had spoken on the phone the day after the Marks Records Showcase we had talked regularly, almost daily. She often called me just before going to bed and we would lay awake and talk until one of us, usually me, drifted off to sleep. There was something comforting about falling asleep to the sound of her voice and gentle breathing. I could almost imagine that she was lying beside me.

Most of our conversations were superficial. We talked about our days and what we had been doing. I kept her up to date on the progress of the film and she talked to me about the plans she had for new songs and the talk of a possible tour. We rarely touched deeper topics, both knowing where we stood on the issues between us. It would do neither of us any good to keep brining it all up.

I leaned over and rested my head on Harrison's shoulder, holding Eva's hand as the red carpet part of the show began. The celebs in all their glory started flocking along the carpet, smiling and waving at the cameras while answering the usual awards show questions. I had to laugh at Harrison's colourful commentary about their outfits. For the most part he was not overly impressed.

"Oh my God did you see that monstrosity that Rihanna was wearing? I wonder how many Muppets had to die to make her look so hideous! Oh and look at Snoop! If his jeans were hanging any lower we'd be able to see his ankles! Sometimes I wonder if celebs have mirrors! Disgraceful! Oh, oh look at J-Lo what a whore! I'm glad Ben Affleck had the sense to get away from that train wreck, although I still contend that I would be better for him than Jen Garner, oh ew Miley, ew! Why oh why do celebs insist on looking so fucking trashy?" Harrison ranted, making everyone crack up.

"Hey Spence, want a beer?" Glen said, still laughing a little at Harrison while he passed me a cold one from the cooler next to his seat. My brother was always prepared in the beer department. I nodded my thanks and took the cold beverage after he had twisted off the top. I was too weak and girly to get the tops off, something that had been a source of much teasing in my college days (particularly as I worked as a bartender for a while, man do I love bottle openers!).

I drank deeply and then almost did a spit take when Eva pointed at the screen and yelled shrilly, "There's Ashley!" I was not the only one startled. Glen spilt his beer on his lap (thankfully not getting any on my loveseat), Harrison let out an impressively girly squeal and dropped the handful of Doritos he was holding, Sarah and Bianca both jumped and covered their fast beating hearts with their hands and Dad and Tilly just laughed at us all.

I would have usually had something scathing to say to Eva for scaring the crap out of me, but my eyes were already locked intensely on the screen or more specifically on the brunette rock star I was beyond in love with.

She looked breath-taking. Her long hair was in the wild curls I love so much and fell around her bare shoulders, framing her face. She was wearing a spaghetti strapped black dress that fell to mid thigh which showed off a lot of smooth tanned skin. The dress was tightly fitted to her body and had a wide band of midnight blue around the waist, accenting her slender curves in a very drool-worthy way. It was easily identified as one of Harrison's designs. She was striding confidently down the red carpet in 4 inch high midnight blue heels and I couldn't tear my eyes off her, not that I'd want to. She was born for this.

I smiled happily at the screen, filled with joy for Ashley. Well that was until another short brunette stepped up to her side and Ashley wrapped her arm around the other girl and smiled down at her. Then I think I died a little. I felt my mouth fall open and I muttered darkly, "Who the hell is that girl with Ashley?"

I heard Eva burst out laughing and turned my head to glare furiously at her. Did this look like a situation where laughing at me was a good idea? I was about to throw the mother of all hissy fits at her when Eva held up her hand to silence me, "Before you burst that vein that is bulging out of your neck let me explain the laughter. That girl with Ashley?" I nodded, my teeth clenched together hard. "Well that is her half sister Kyla. So now you need to take a deep breath and relax before you have an aneurism or something."

I shot her a glare and then turned back to the television. Actually now that she mentioned it you could really see a resemblance between Ashley and her sister. I felt a tad stupid for my little jealous rage. I do think, however, that most people would have reacted the same way I did. Don't lie you know you would have.

I kept my eyes locked on Ashley as she and Kyla made their way along the red carpet, stopping for photos and to speak briefly to reporters. Just as they were nearing the entrance to the awards, one of the MTV VJs stopped her and began to interview her.

"Well hello Ashley, you look great tonight! Who are you wearing?" Gasket, the MTV VJ asked.

Ashley beamed and gestured to her dress, "This little number was designed by Harrison Devon, who is the costume designer on the latest film in production from Spencer Carlin and Worlds Away Productions."

"That's the production company that has made both your music videos so far right?"

"Yep, and they'll be making the others for this album too," Ashley said with a beaming smile.

I grinned, she totally plugged my film and production company and Harrison. That felt kinda nice. You couldn't buy that kind of publicity!

"So you've been nominated for quite a few awards tonight for your debut single, Common Ground, how does that feel?"

Ashley got a dreamy look on her face before she replied, "It's beyond amazing. I am so grateful to even be nominated in such talented company. This is all a dream come true!"

Gasket smiled at her and nodded, "Your father, the late Raife Davies, was the proud winner of many MTV awards throughout his illustrious career. Does it make you feel close to him to be nominated as well?"

Ashley looked thoughtful for a moment and smiled faintly, "Honestly, no not really. Music itself is what makes me feel close to my father. We were more a like that I ever really thought and the passion that drove both of us is a love for music. We both made sacrifices for our music because it's how we identify ourselves. I just hope I can make him proud and do honour to his memory while still being true to myself."

"Thanks Ashley and good luck tonight!"

"Thanks Gasket!" Ashley smiled beautifully and wandered inside the auditorium with Kyla at her side.

I ignored the rest of the red carpet stuff truth be told, I was thinking about what Ashley had said to the VJ. She really had come a long way in the time I had known her and I was proud of her for that. Hearing her actually say out loud how alike she and her father are, gives me hope that she will come to terms with everything and ultimately be ok, that _we _will ultimately be ok.

In our frequent phone calls Ashley had told me she was seeing a therapist. She was going several times a week and sounded like she was getting quite a lot out of it. She was trying, really trying for me and for us. It just made me love her even more.

I knew we couldn't be together yet, not until there was no more hiding, but each day my faith grew stronger. I knew that when it was time we would be together and it would be fucking electric.

Soon after the red carpet preshow had ended the cameras moved inside the massive auditorium and scanned the crowd. The camera flashed over Ashley for no more than two seconds, but it was enough to make me sit up straight in my seat with my heart racing. It was amazing what just a simple look at her could do to me.

My heart was still beating frantically, my pulse throbbing in my ears, when the MCs for the night stepped out on stage. I laughed half-heartedly at their jokes and witty banter, while keeping my eyes glued to the screen just in case they showed Ashley again. I didn't want to miss even a glimpse of her.

The big opening number was over quickly and the first lot of awards started being announced. I drowned out the enthusiastic applause and cheers from the people in my living room as artists they liked won awards. I was waiting anxiously for the first category in which Ashley had been nominated, Best New Artist.

I was literally sitting on the edge of my seat, wringing my hands when Taylor Swift stepped forward to present the award for best new artist. "Damn little Taylor is hot!" Eva said loudly. This earned her a laugh from most people and a slap on the thigh from Tilly. "Aw Baby you know you're way hotter!" Eva said with a smile down at her girlfriend. Tilly rolled her eyes and leant back against Eva's legs.

I, of course, was too engrossed in the awards show to pay them any real attention. Taylor Swift stepped up to the microphone and beamed out at the crowd, "Well not too long ago I was nominated for this award myself. Being a new artist is a scary thing, there are doubts and insecurities, prayers that you'll make it and hopes for people to love your music. All the artists nominated in this category tonight are already winners. And the nominees are…"

I ignored all the other names and smiled like a deranged clown on ecstasy when Ashley's name was announced and they showed her on screen. She was gripping Kyla's hand in hers and looked nervous, really nervous. It was endearing.

There was a pregnant, tension filled pause before little country singer opened the envelop she was holding and grinning, read out the winner, "And the MTV Music Award for Best New Artist goes to…Ashley Davies!"

My living room erupted into crazed applause and cheers. Eva sprang up and bounced around the room, dragging a laughing Tilly with her. Dad stood up and clapped his hands loudly with a huge, proud smile on his face. Glen was high fiving Sarah and Bianca while all of them cheered loudly at the television. Harrison pulled me up and hugged me within an inch of my life while I laughed joyously and tried to keep my eyes locked on the screen as I was lifted off my feet.

The camera was on Ashley, who looked stunned. Her sister was bouncing around beside her, clearly very excited or in desperate need of Ritalin. I wished I had been there with Ashley. Oh well one day in the future I would be by her side at an awards show that was a Spencer Carlin guarantee.

Ashley got to her feet and made her way to the stage, receiving hugs and congratulations along the way. She had a funny little smile on her face as she ascended the stairs and received a kiss on the cheek from Taylor Swift, which made me scowl and mutter, "Swifty had better keep her mitts off my girl."

Everyone else laughed and shook their heads, "Mitts Spencer? Really?" Sarah teased, earning her a glare before I turned back to the television screen. Ashley clutched her award to her chest and beamed out at the audience who were still clapping loudly.

Ashley stepped up to the microphone and cleared her throat nervously. She ran a hand through her curls and began to speak, "Wow, well that was unexpected! I am in total shock right now. I want to start by thanking everyone who was involved in the making of the single and album, this would not be possible without all of you. I also want to thank my sister, Kyla, for coming with me tonight to support me in what I am about to do."

Ashley paused and turned to look straight into the camera, I felt like her eyes were locked on mine, like she could actually see me. Ashley smirked and said, "Eva I hope you have her in front of the television right now!" I turned to look at Eva in confusion. She just smiled serenely at me and pointed at the television screen.

Still extremely confused I turned my eyes back to Ashley. Ashley took a deep breath and smiled almost sadly at the camera, "This is wonderful, truly an honour, but it's hollow. It's hollow because the person I love, the person I want beside me when all my dreams come true, isn't here to share it with me."

Ashley paused and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. My mouth was dry and my hands were shaking. I couldn't move, I could hardly breathe. This had to be a dream. There was no way this could be real.

Ashley looked down for a moment before raising her eyes to the camera again, "I want to be very clear I am not referring to Aiden Dennison, as great of a guy as he is, I am not in love with him and I never have been. I am fortunate enough to be madly and irrevocably in love with the most beautiful, kind, funny, compassionate _woman_ in the entire world, Spencer Carlin." There was a collective gasp from the audience, along with loud cheers, enthusiastic applause and a few calls of 'I knew it!'

I slid off the sofa and sank to the floor, shock and wonder speeding through my veins at an alarming rate. I was seriously fearing for my health. Can this sort of thing cause heart failure?

Ashley smiled widely, but tearfully and continued, "51 agonising days ago I made the biggest mistake of my life, I let the love of my life walk away. I let my fears and insecurities drive away the best thing that has ever happened to me. What I will say now to you Spencer Isabel Carlin, in front of all these people, is that I love you and I am never going to stop trying to make things right. I don't ever want you out of my life. This is my confession to the world, I am gay and proudly in love with the most breath-taking woman that God has ever created."

Ashley stepped back slightly and someone jogged out onto the stage with an acoustic guitar and a stool. Ashley took the guitar and perched on the stool before looking back into the camera, "MTV has kindly given me this opportunity to share something with you. Spence this song is my promise to you, my vow. You won't find this song on my album, this one is for Spencer…"

Ashley trailed off and started strumming the guitar. I felt tears start pouring down my face. I had no words to describe how I was feeling in that moment. I was stunned into a statue like silence, my gazed locked on Ashley.

She smiled softly as she began to sing, the back of the stage opening up to reveal a band, which started accompanying her.

"I've been lying here for like a million years in my bed  
Get up get up get up  
All the time I can hear you talking in my head  
Shut up shut up shut up

Everybody says I should be moving on  
Everybody knows I'm still waiting

I don't care whatever it takes to be with you  
You're under my skin and no matter what I do  
I'm nothing without you so I'll do whatever it takes

I've been thinking about how we could have done things differently  
Give up give up give up  
Yesterday I could have sworn I heard you calling me  
Wake up wake up wake up

Everybody says baby life goes on  
Everybody knows I'm still waiting

I don't care whatever it takes to be with you  
You're under my skin and no matter what I do  
I'm nothing without you so I'll do whatever

I'll do whatever it takes  
Nothing will stand in my way  
We had it good  
I want it back  
I know your feeling the same  
And I'll do whatever it takes

I don't care whatever it takes to be with you  
You're under my skin and no matter what I do  
I'm nothing without you  
I have to be with you  
So I'll do whatever it takes"

I was openly sobbing by the time the last line fell from her lips. Eva was sitting on the floor beside me, holding my trembling body in her arms. Everyone else was flicking their eyes back and forth between me and the woman on screen. It looked like they were watching a tennis match.

That had to of been the most open and vulnerable I had ever seen her. She came out, she was out. I was breathing erratically, my mind running a mile a minute as I tried to absorb what had just taken place. That was a whole lot of life changing information to get in one go.

Ashley was on stage basking in the applause. She grinned and stepped to the microphone again, "Spence I need you to know that I am sorry for how everything played out. I wish I could take it all back Baby. I don't know if you can forgive me or if you are willing to give me another chance, but I mean every word I have said and sung on this stage tonight. I love you," Ashley paused and swept her gaze over the audience who were going crazy with applause. "Finally it is with great pleasure that I announce the world premier of the music video for my second single, What I Didn't Say. Thank you all!"

Ashley stepped quickly from the stage and a giant screen lowered. Soon the opening bars of her song started playing, showing a broken, defeated looking figure in silhouette. I stared in puzzlement, this was not the intro I remembered.

Lights suddenly flashed on showing Ashley and a blonde woman, who looked very like me from the back just a little shorter, in black and white. The scene was our break up to a t, every gesture was ours. The camera finally moved to show the face of the other woman, it was Eva in a long blonde wig. I tore my eyes momentarily from the screen to look up at her. Eva just nodded and sent me a loving smile.

I looked back at the screen as the music built. The scene changed to show Ashley with her guitar alone on the beach singing as though her heart was breaking, this time the scene was in colour. She was standing about knee deep in the water strumming her guitar and singing the lyrics as though they were being torn from her soul.

The scenes kept changing for the rest of the video, flicking between the break up scene in black and white and the scenes of Ashley singing on the beach which was in colour. After a few shots I finally noticed the break up scene was actually filmed in _my_ house. As first I thought it was just a freakishly close likeness and then I noticed a photo of my family in the background. I was floored. It was like literally watching a scene from my past.

Watching that video was a strange mix of devastating and also hope inducing. It wasn't a modified version of one of the pivotal moments between us. It was a true reflection of what really happened and what it really meant to both of us. I was so moved that she had done this, even more so that she had obviously called on the people I loved to help her.

I couldn't have stopped the tears if I'd wanted to, but for the first time in a long time they were mostly happy tears.

**Song used in this chapter:**

**Whatever It Take – The Faders**


	40. Night of Revelations

**Thank you so much. I am so humbled by your reviews**

P.A.M4Life, LadiiMouse – The video had to change lol. Thank you

bitten2, Ugtabkdnm3, Irishgrl33, hugbuddy13, darkangeleyes23, ebonyedlove, freakanatomy, LoveAsh87 – Thank you!

ilovemyself26, bethers85 – Ah yeah you guessed it. Thanks!

Palexobsessed – Ah well good guess! It was always planned for the video to turn out like this. Thanks for the review and thanks for reading!

drummergirl244 – Thanks! Sorry to hear you've been in hospital, hope all is ok now!

Ayona – Thanks! So glad you enjoyed the chapter, especially Eva's little acting debut lol

, babygirl2006 – Wow thank you, that means so much!

Lilyeyama – Thanks! That's awesome of you to say! I look forward to hearing what you think in the future

Your Relentless Lover – Really? Wow. The girls have been through a lot and I guess its time for the pay off!

Ambeezy – yeah it only took 38 chapters but Ashley came out lol. Thank you so much!

bmbailey03 – Wow that's awesome, I take it as a huge compliment!

WillowOn3 – Thanks! Marks Records will be discussed in the fic soon. There are still lose ends to tie up in the last two chapters! Sure you can hug me! You just gotta get on a plan for Australia lol

uluvme – The convo with Ethan will be talked about. I heard that song randomly a few weeks ago and knew I had to use it for this story. Yes happy tears, only happy tears lol

jsquare –I love that song too, but the Faders one felt more right for the situation. Thanks!

shayer –Good Speechless? I really am a hopeless romantic lol, a total sap at heart. Thanks so much! You made me smile.

2bz2breading – thank you, I feel that after everything anything less that a very public outing and declaration of love like that wouldn't have been enough.

mutt009 – I'm proud of Ashley too! No don't have a stroke! So not the reaction I was going for lol

.HEART – Yep, that's what Eva was off doing! Thank you!

hphglover – I am honoured, thank you. I can't tell you what your words meant to me, truly thank you! I have the biggest smile on my face after reading what you had to say.

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine**

**Second last chapter!**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Forty –**** Night of Revelations**

As soon as Ashley's music video ended the MTV Music awards started again with Pete and Patrick from Fall Out Boy stepping onto the stage to present the next award. It was bizarre how the world was continuing to turn when mine had just stopped and been turned on its head. I jumped to my feet and began pacing erratically around my house, tears still pouring down my face.

I stopped and turned to face Eva, my chest rising and falling fast with my shallow breathing. I swallowed hard and used my hand to roughly brush my hair back from my face. "You were in on this?" I asked Eva breathlessly.

Eva nodded and took a step towards me. I let her pull me into her arms as I shook violently. I was in a total state of shock. I had been hoping and wishing for this moment for so long and now that it was happening I had no clue how to react. The first and most prevalent instinct was to sob like a baby, so that's exactly what I was doing.

I stepped back from Eva and whispered, "I think I need to know how this all happened."

Eva nodded and led me back to the sofa. Everyone retook their seats, all eyes on me. Eva took my hand and gave it a comforting squeeze. "Ok well this is how it all played out…"

_[Flashback – Eva's POV]_

_I held Tilly close to me and kissed her softly on the lips, "I'm so proud of you Til, you did so well up on that stage…it was hot!" _

_Tilly giggled and leaned further into me, "Thanks Baby, you think I did Spencer's songs justice?"_

_I scoffed, "Please I have no doubt, she would have been so proud to hear you sing them like that, with so much conviction and emotion. Truly, no one could have done it better." Tilly smiled and leaned in to kiss me again. I love me some Tilly kisses!_

_Things were getting a little interesting when I heard someone clear their voice behind us. I reluctantly pulled my lips from Tilly's and turned around, more than ready to kick some ass, only to kind Kyla standing behind me._

_I looked behind her for Ashley and saw her a few feet away talking to Ethan junior. Senior had avoided coming too close to Tilly or myself all night, me thinks Senior is not so cool with the homosexual persuasion. _

_I smiled at the younger Davies sister and asked, "What's going on Kyla? I know you weren't just interrupting my make out time for shits and giggles!"_

_Kyla smiled and rolled her eyes, "no I have a totally legitimate reason for interrupting the lip lock you had going on. Ethan wants to talk to Ashley and has asked that you guys be there too. I'm really not too sure what it is about."_

_I looked at Tilly who just shrugged, "Um ok I guess we can come and talk to you guys and I can continue trying to get to second base later. But if Ethan is a douche again I am going to bitch slap him, just so we're clear."_

_Kyla chuckled, "You will get no complaints from either Ashley or me if you feel the need to do that." _

"_Great, just so long as we're understood."_

_Tilly and I got to our feet and followed Kyla over to Ethan and Ashley. Ashley looked a cross between royally pissed off and reluctantly intrigued. Ethan didn't say a word just gestured for us to follow him back stage. He led us into an office and indicated that we should take a seat._

_I took Tilly's hand and led her over to the sofa the furthest away from Ethan. He was known to develop crushes on lesbians so I wasn't taking any chances of letting him too close to my girl. _

_Once we were all seated Ethan started wringing his hands nervously. I heard Ashley sigh impatiently before she snapped, "Jesus Ethan, you asked to speak to us and now we're here so would you please just spit it the fuck out already?"_

_Ethan swallowed hard and looked around at us all before speaking, "Ok I'll get to the point. I want to help Ashley get Spencer back. Any thoughts? Comments?" _

_I think the look of open-mouthed shock was mirrored on all our faces. Was he fucking serious? Ethan 'I crush on lesbians' Marks was actually offering to help get the object of his affection back together with her closeted ex-girlfriend who was also his artist? Was the apocalypse coming and no one remembered to mention it to me? If that's the case then where the fuck was Buffy…she's hot. Ok I digress. Back to the issue at hand._

_Ashley very eloquently voiced the confusion we were all feeling, "Huh? 'The Fuck?"_

_Ethan chuckled quietly and nodded, "I understand your confusion, but I am deadly serious. I want to help you get your girl Ashley. I played a huge part in helping you lose her and I want to make that right. I have had a lot of time to think about how badly I screwed up and now I want to fix it."_

_Ashley looked around at us, probably to see if she was tripping or something. I think the looks of surprise we were all wearing helped her see she wasn't alone on this particular trip. She shook her head and murmured in a confused tone, "Again I ask, Huh, 'the fuck?"_

_Ashley has mad conversational skills._

_Ethan smiled kindly and said, "I'm not fucking with you here Ashley. I want to make this right. I have been a jerk, a huge douche-bag of a jerk. You and I were friends once Ash and I want to see you happy again. Even though I didn't know you were actually dating Spencer, I have never seen you happier than you were for those months. I thought it was the excitement of the album but I know now it was so much more than that. You were falling in love."_

_Ashley blushed and looked down at her hands which were clenched in her lap, "I _am_ in love."_

_Ethan grinned, "I know you are and so is Spencer. So that's why we're here. I want to fix this and I need all of you to help us make this happen. I can't change my father's view on your sexuality Ashley, but I can protect your rights as a performer. Your contract only said you have to stay quiet about your sexuality until the album came out, it's out now so let's make it happen. Let's get you out of the closet and into the world."_

_Ashley ran her hands through her hair and breathed out, "Wow, I did not see this coming. You sure about this Ethan?"_

_Ethan nodded, "completely. You can only be a douche bag for so long before you realise that you are wrong. So the question is what do you want to do Ash?"_

_We all turned to look at her as she sat in deep thought. She knew this was too important to fuck up. There were not unlimited chances to get this right. The actions she took could impact the direction her life was going to take. She also knew that her actions had consequences beyond her, impacting the life of one particular blonde director. Plus if she hurt Spencer again it would be clobberin' time!_

_Ashley looked up and smiled at me, "Eva do you think we could reshoot the video for What I Didn't Say?"_

_I beamed and nodded, instantly understanding what she wanted to do and loving it, "Oh hell yeah we can. I'll talk to Sarah tonight and we'll make a time to reshoot, I assume we only need to reshoot the footage of the break up with a slight casting alteration?"_

_Ashley nodded with a knowing smile, "Yep that's it and what do you say to playing Spencer? I know you might be too much of a midget to play her but on short notice you'll have to do."_

_I flashed her a mock glare, "Ok that is the only short joke you get to make Davies. Any more and I kick you're ass. With that said I'd be happy to play Spencer in the reshoot, your video could use some star quality." Everyone had a little chuckle at that._

_Ashley smiled gratefully and looked over at Tilly, "Tilly I am working on a song at the moment, one I wrote for Spencer and I was hoping you could take a look at the music I have to go with the lyrics, see if you think it works?"_

"_I'd be honoured Ashley," Tilly said with a grin for the older brunette._

"_Brilliant, oh and we are going to need you to make sure Spencer doesn't know what's going on when we go to do the reshoot. I assume Eva spends a lot of time on the film set?" We nodded the affirmative, "Ok then, Spencer will need to be kept in the dark." Ashley said with a thoughtful look on her face._

_Ethan stepped forward and nodded, "I think we should aim to get the revised music video done by the MTV Awards, that way we can release the video then with the revisions. Once it's playing live at the awards show my father won't be able to do a damn thing about it without exposing himself as the ignorant, bigot that he is."_

_I bit my lip and figured it was time I played my best friend duty and acted as devil's advocate, "Ok so say we revise the music video, change it so that it is Ashley and well _me_ what then? What will you do then Ashley? I can't be a part of this plan unless I know that this is going to end well for Spencer. I can't stand the thought of getting her hopes up just to have her heart broken again."_

"_You think I want that to happen to her? Eva I can't promise that I won't ever hurt Spencer again, I am only human and I am going to make mistakes. But what I will promise you is that when I commit to her it will be with all of me. I am doing everything in my power to make sure that when I do it is for keeps," Ashley said with such sincerity I couldn't help but believe her. _

_I nodded that was good enough for me, "Ok, so we do the video, what then?" _

"_Well in the mean time Ash will be working on her issues," Kyla threw in with a serious expression. It was almost like a warning for her older sister. I interpreted it as 'sort out your shit or I'll let Eva beat your ass.'_

_Ashley blushed and looked down at her hands again, "what she means is that I will be starting therapy tomorrow to deal with my issues relating to my father. At this point I will do anything if it means I can be with Spencer and not hurt her anymore."_

_I patted Ashley's knee and said softly, "It takes a lot of strength to admit when you need help. It makes me happy to know that you are really trying for my friend. Maybe I won't end up having to beat you up!"_

_Ethan smiled over at all of us and said, "Ok so we do the video and then if Ashley wins we get it played in live national television. Sounds good to me."_

_Ashley shook her head with a slight frown, "It's not enough. It's a step, but it's not nearly enough." Ashley paused and a smile covered her lips, a confident, determined smile. She nodded and said, "I'll come out."_

"_Huh? What are you saying?" Tilly asked, voicing the question we were all thinking. Although of course my version of the question had a few expletives in it._

"_Well if I win an award, in my acceptance speech I'll out myself to the world. No more hiding, no more running. I want my life to be with Spencer so it's time I made that clear to her and to the world. If I win an award I'll out myself on national television, hell if I don't win an award I'll out myself on national television," Ashley announced, a look of determination on her face._

"_Wow," I breathed out while Tilly and Kyla looked on in wonder. This was one hell of a big step for a girl who was too damn afraid to even sit in a restaurant with Spencer while they were dating._

_Ethan beamed and nodded, "Yeah that sounds about right. Oh and hey I have some friends over at MTV so if you like I can see if I can swing them letting you perform that song you've written for Spencer after you win, which we know you will."_

_Ashley nodded enthusiastically, "that's awesome thanks E. Wow this is really going to happen! I'm nervous and a bit scared but so excited. I am going to get my girl. Do you think this is going to be ok?"_

_Tilly laughed, "Yeah it's going to be ok. Clearly you don't go on the net much, but there is a huge following for you Ashley. There is even a web site dedicated to you and Spencer, they're calling you guys Spashley and they are all eagerly awaiting confirmation that you are really part of the sisterhood and dating Spencer. The world doesn't care who you love Ashley, just that you keep making beautiful music. Be who you are and they will have even more to love and admire you for."_

_Ashley's eyes brimmed with tears as she murmured, "thank you."_

_Ethan put a hand on her shoulder and said, "I'll get onto it and see what I can do to build on the rumour about your sexuality that way when you come out it will barely have an impact because people will already think you are. This isn't going to negatively impact your career and I was a dumb fuck for ever telling you it would. Didn't you see the rise in sales after those pictures of you and Spencer surfaced? I handled this all so badly." Ethan's face was full of regret._

_Ashley's expression hardened and she muttered, "Yeah you did. You made me feel guilty and ashamed and pushed me to walk away from the single best thing to ever happen to me. If you can help us pull all this off, we'll almost be even." Ashley cracked a small smile then, which Ethan gratefully returned._

_Kyla grinned at her older sister and said, "I guess all you have to do now is actually win an award!" We all groaned and threw various items at her, "What? It's true isn't it?"_

"_Yeah but Kyla you've just jinxed it! If Ashley doesn't win then it's on your head!" I explained with a tragic smile on my face._

_Kyla looked worried, nibbling on her lower lip slightly, "Really?"_

"_Yeah really, you just scored some bad ju-ju little Davies!" Ethan teased. Really who says 'ju-ju'? What a freaking tool!_

_Kyla started looking even more anxious, which made us all crack up laughing. "Oh you guys are assholes!" Kyla snapped before rolling her eyes and laughing herself._

_We sat talking for a bit longer, going over the details and making plans. I even put in a call to Sarah and it was agreed that we would do the reshoot of the music video the next day as it was the only day she had free for a while and we needed time to edit and all that. The only problem we had was a location. The last one had been filmed on a sound stage which we couldn't access again until after the awards show so that wasn't going to work for us._

_After a few minutes a moment of brilliance hit me, "Oh man I have it, I have the solution! We'll break into Spencer's place and film in her house, at least it will be authentic!"_

"_Are you crazy Eva? We can't just break into Spencer's house?" Ashley bellowed staring at me like I was an escapee from the mental asylum who had just tried to lick her face or something. Why do people always look at me like that? Sheesh!_

_I just laughed, I was used to reactions like that from people, "Sure we can, I know where the spare key is hidden and we know she is going to be on set all day tomorrow with her Dad and brother so we know the house will be empty. Unless anyone else can think of a better idea?"_

_They all looked around at each other, stumped. Hehe I loved it when I was right. You'd think I'd get sick of it seeing as it happened so often. "Ok then it's decided. We film at Spencer's humble abode. It means we'll have only a few hour window to shoot though so we'll have to be fast about it."_

_Everyone agreed and we settled a few more details before heading off home to sleep. We all knew our missions, time for the plan to kick off._

_[End Flashback]_

Eva's POV

"So that's what happened. The next day Tilly was sent to the film set to keep you distracted so you wouldn't notice my absence...a task I believe she totally sucked at," I teased.

"Hey! It's not my fault Spencer can like sniff out lies like a freaking blood hound, I did my best!" Tilly said indignantly.

"Sure Baby, you tell yourself that. It wasn't just me and Tilly though, Glen was told to be as annoying as possible on set to keep you distracted," I said, pointing my thumb at Glen.

He looked puzzled for a moment and then said, "Uh no you never told me that."

"Oh that's right, we didn't bother! We just trusted you to be your usual annoying self without us having to ask you to!" I teased, earning a chuckle from everyone and even a hint of a smile from Spencer.

Mr. C stepped forward then too, "Actually I have a confession to make too. I went to see Ashley the day of the showcase." Spencer snapped her eyes up to meet her father's and stared at him in shock. I just smiled, I totally already knew this. Spencer has no idea how much her happiness matters to all the people in her living room. We would have done anything to help her and Ashley get back on track.

Mr. C smiled kindly and nodded, "I don't know if you remember the name of my college roommate," he paused and I saw a look on comprehension on her face. The pieces were all starting to come together for her. "Yeah Spencer, it was Ashley's father Raife Davies, or course it was Rafael Davies then. I knew he was gay and never cared. We were good friends. He dropped out in Junior year when his band got signed and we lost touch after a few years."

Arthur sighed and ran a hand through his dark hair, "Raife called me the day before he died and told me he had really messed up with his daughter, that he had fed her fears and insecurities to a point where he was worried she would live to make all the same mistakes he did. I told Ashley all of this. I figured she deserved to know how her father really felt. We talked for a while. She's an amazing girl Spencer and I think you will be truly happy together."

Spencer nodded numbly, her face showing just how overwhelmed she was. It was understandable, this was a hell of a lot to take in. She swallowed hard and looked around the room, "So you were all in on it?" we nodded, "ok. I need to go see her, right now. I have to get to her!"

Harrison got to his feet and threw an arm around her shoulder, "Ah there were can help you. Tilly?"

Tilly stood up and pulled an invite and a backstage pass to the awards show out of the back pocket of her jeans. "I can't use these and they shouldn't go to waste Spence. These will get you back stage at the awards show."

Harrison nodded, "Ok Arthur?"

Mr. C stood up and held out Spencer's car keys, "Your chariot awaits my Darling."

"That's great you guys, so wonderful...fuck! What the hell am I going to wear?" Spencer cursed, starting to look panicked. She could be such a girl sometimes!

Harrison smirked and walked out into the guest bathroom only to return a moment later with a garment bag on a hanger and a shoe box under his arm. He smirked at the dazed look on Spencer's face, "And I will be your stylist tonight."

"Harry, you were in on this too?" she asked with an adoring smile.

Harrison grinned and winked at her, "Of course I was Sweet Pea! Now we have to make you all hot for your girl!"

Spencer bit her lip and then her face broke out into a huge, beautiful smile. "Thank you all, so much. I don't have the words to tell you how much this all means to me," Spencer chuckled, "Now let's go get my girl!"

"Amen sister!" Harrison cried as he grabbed her hand and dragged her off to her bedroom with the garment bag flowing along behind them.

It was time to get Cinderella ready for the ball!


	41. Coda

**Thank you for reviewing, I was literally speechless!**

Your Relentless Lover – Your closeted romantic status will stay between us lol. I am a sap at heart so I understand. Thank you and I assure you I have been thinking about a sequel…whether I do one or not remains to be seen

Ambeezy – Thank you, I'm sad this story is ending too it's been fun to write. Yeah Spencer is lucky to have such wonderful friends and family. Yep this story is ending but I will have many more stories coming out. Thank you again

Doesitmeanjustice, southofnowhere2010, LoveAsh87, Harley Quinn Davidson, freakanatomy, bethers85, hugbuddy13, 2bz2breading, SJVlovesLAD – Aw thanks!

Ugtabkdnm3 – Oh yes I definitely have issues lol but glad you like it anyway

shayer – Hehe thank you! Yes chapter 41 is the last. I'm glad you've enjoyed this story, I have loved writing it. I am blown away that my 41 chapters of rambling have given you a belief in the chance of a connection with someone who will love you with all they have. Thank you for your wonderful reviews and support along the way.

uluvme – Yeah I wanted to delay the reunion to torture you…my bad! TiVie, I like it! and yeah they ain't no Spashley, but they have their own charm!

LadiiMouse – Yep everyone was in on the plan and now Spencer is off to get her girl!

WillowOn3 – Yep great minds certainly do think alike! Thanks, a book huh? Maybe one day. I'm glad you stuck with the story and yes you should have more faith in me hehe, yep see you in Melb lol

imaferrari – Thanks, I think the flashback was needed for a lil back story. A happy heart is a big compliment so thank you

mutt009 – Hehe yeah Cinderella is off to the ball

**So here it is, the very last chapter. Thank you all for the kind words along the way. I have really loved writing this story.**

**Usual disclaimer – SoN is not mine**

**You Had Me At Um**

**Chapter Forty-One – ****Coda**

Spencer's POV

Harrison dragged me so fast into my bedroom that I thought he was going to pull my arm right out of its socket. My head was spinning. She'd done it, my Baby had done it! Ashley had not only come out, but she had done it on a national (probably international) scale.

I wish I could properly explain to you how it felt to watch her up on that stage saying all those words I had been longing to hear. I was half sure I was dreaming when I heard her tell the world she was in love with me. I was literally waiting for myself to wake up and realise it was all a dream. I guess it was a dream, a dream come true!

I wanted to laugh and cry and scream and run all at once. Instead I settled for shock and tears. I was in awe of my girl. She displayed strength I had always known she possessed but was scared she would never show. I think I fell even more in love with her that night. I didn't know it was possible to love someone that much.

"Ok Sweet Pea, stop fantasising about your rocker girl and strip!" Harrison ordered, clapping his hands together.

"Uh strip?" I asked with an arched eyebrow.

Harrison rolled his eyes and said in an exasperated tone, "You have nothing I'm even remotely interested in Sweetie, as gorgeous as you are. Now strip!"

I chuckled softly and complied. In about twenty seconds flat Harrison had sent me into my walk in robe to change out of, what he termed was, my 'granny panties'. Apparently his creation would not be worn over anything less than a matching black strapless bra and panties set. He's a strange boy.

I stepped out of the walk in robe in my matching underwear and Harrison helped me step into the dress he'd brought for me. It was beautiful. It was a deep plum colour strapless dress made from panels of silk. It was cinched around my waist with a wide strip of black and the bottom fell in uneven layers. The longest fell to an inch above my knees and the shortest fell to about mid-thigh.

I spun around, looking at myself in the mirror. The dress flowed and danced with the movement of my body beautifully. "Wow Harry, this dress is incredible," I breathed out on an ecstatic laugh.

Harrison smirked and nodded, "oh I know. I designed this little number specifically for you Spence, the colours match your bedroom and work so well your blonde hair, dark blue eyes and tanned complexion. This might just be my greatest creation yet!"

I giggled, "Thanks Harry, this is amazing. Ok I'm ready let's go!"

Harrison scoffed, "Oh hell no, my work is not nearly done. Sit and let me attack that birds nest you call hair!"

I glared at him in mock indignation before taking a seat and grinning up at him, "Fine I place myself in your very capable hands. Now be quick I got to get to my girl!"

"You don't rush perfection Sweet Pea, now stay still and let me do my thang!" Harrison said seriously.

I burst out laughing, "Thang Harry? Really?"

"Shut up Carlin or I'll give you a mullet!" Harrison threatened, tapping me on the head with my hair brush.

"I'll be good!" I promised, trying to hide a smirk. Harrison just hummed under his breathe and got to work. A matter of minutes later Harrison stepped back and surveyed his work with a satisfied nod.

"Ok you're presentable…make up time!" He squealed excitedly. I don't know how anyone _ever_ thought Harrison was straight.

I went to protest and he clamped a hand over my mouth, "Shut it Carlin and I will make you irresistible to your girl. Now let me work woman!" I chuckled, but otherwise stayed quiet. I trusted Harrison.

Another fifteen minutes later and he was helping me slid on the gorgeous pair of black peep-toe Jimmy Choos he'd brought round for me. Harrison was officially my gay-fairy-Godmother!

"Ok Sweet Pea you look so good I'd _almost_ consider switching teams for you…wait no I wouldn't! Sorry, but you do look hot. Take a look," Harrison said pointing to the large mirror I had behind my door.

I stepped up to it and let out a gust of breath, damn! "Oh my God Harry, I don't want to sound immodest but I look great! You are a genius!"

"Yeah I know," Harrison said modestly…or not.

He had my hair up in a slightly messy knot at the back of my head with loose tendrils of hair framing my face. This had the effect of leaving my neck and shoulders bare. My make up was subtle, in muted natural colours that were used to enhance my features. Dark eye liner and thick mascara was used to make my big blue eyes pop.

I did a quick spin and then leaned in to give him a big hug, "Thanks Darling."

"My Pleasure Sweetie, now lets get you to your girl!" Harrison gushed as he pushed me out of my bedroom door and down the hall to the living room where everyone else was waiting for my transformation revelation.

"Fuck! Who's the hottie?" Eva asked as I stepped into the room. I rolled my eyes and flipped her off.

"I have to agree with Eva's sentiment, if not her choice of words," My Dad said shooting Eva a reprimanding look that actually made her blush, "Spencer you look truly beautiful."

There was a chorus of agreement from the others, which made me blush hotly. I bit my lip and looked around at them all, "I just wanted to say thanks again. I don't know what's going to happen tonight, but I want you to know that it means a lot to have you all in my corner. I don't think I could have gotten through all this without you all."

"Well we all know without us you'd have been screwed…so you're welcome Carlin!" Eva said with a smirk.

I rolled my eyes again and looked over at my Dad, "You think you could give me a ride now?"

"My pleasure Sweetheart," Dad replied as he stepped forward, offering his arm for me to take. I giggle and looped my arm through his.

Harrison stepped closer and handed me a cute little black Gucci clutch, "Ok you look stunning and the pass to the awards show is in the clutch. We're all here gunning for you Sweet Pea!"

I beamed over at them all and let Dad steer me out of the house. He helped me into the car and then climbed in himself. He smiled over at me and murmured with a twinkle in his blue eyes, "You ready for this?"

I chuckled and nodded, "I have never been more ready for anything."

"That's my girl, let's go!" Dad said, starting the car and reversing out.

The drive to the awards show passed much more quickly than I expected. Before I had really had a chance to figure out what I was going to do my Dad was pulling up in front of the back entrance to the awards show.

I took a deep breath to settle the nerves that were now taking control of me. This was what I had wanted for so long and now it was within my reach and I had to admit I was scared. So much had happened and it didn't all go away because Ashley finally came out. There was so much hurt and pain between us.

I looked up at my Dad with fear evident in my eyes. He smiled and rested a hand on mine, "Spencer this is it, this is your chance to get your girl. I know Ashley has had to let go of her past to get here and now you have to do the same. _You_ have to let go of the past and be ready to move on. Don't go in there unless you are 100% in this, that's just not fair to her or to you. If you do this, then do it with everything you have. No more fear Spencer."

I blinked back the tears that threatened to ruin the makeup job Harrison had done and leaned over to place a kiss on my Dad's cheek. "Thank you, that was exactly what I needed to hear. I'll see you later," I murmured with a grateful smile.

Dad nodded and I climbed carefully out of the car. I waved once and then pulled out my pass and approached the security officers at the door. I flashed them the pass and was quickly let inside.

Let me just say that back stage at an awards show is totally fucking bedlam! It was utter chaos. I had no freaking clue how I was supposed to find Ashley in this circus. I started wandering around, hoping that a miracle would happen and I would stumble across her or at least someone I recognised.

Well I kind of got my miracle. I walked around a corner and found Ashley in a screaming match with Ethan Senior and Junior. I darted quickly behind a nearby curtain. I didn't want them to see me just yet. I was far too curious to know what they were saying.

Ethan Senior was bright red in the face, he literally looked like steam was going to start pouring from his ears. Well that or he was going to spontaneously combust. I for one would not be upset if the latter happened. All I can say is the old man had better be careful or he was going to have a heart attack.

"How the hell could you do that to me? To this label? We have gone above and beyond for you time and time again Ashley and yet you defy the one thing I requested. Your father would be utterly disgusted with what you've done here tonight!" He bellowed furiously, his hand clenched into tight fists.

Ashley scoffed and folded her arms over her chest as her big brown eyes narrowed dangerously, "Above and beyond huh? You think threatening me and manipulating me with the memory of my dead father is above and beyond? You're completely delusional old man."

"You are one ungrateful, spiteful girl. Your father must be turning over in his grave right now!" Senior screamed heatedly, glaring hard at her.

Ashley laughed bitterly, "Really? You think so? Because actually I think he is probably at the bar in heaven with all the other dead rockers toasting to me finally growing a pair and being true to myself. My Dad hid from everyone and he was miserable. His lies and shame about who he was led to his death and I know in my heart that he never would have wanted that for me. He loved me and I know that he is proud of what I've just done." She said it with so much conviction that I knew she finally believed it.

Ethan Seniors eyes flashed fire as he stepped closer to her in an attempt to intimidate with his imposing form. Ashley glared right back at him and stood her ground. Ethan junior was standing to the side looking like he wanted to slug his old man. He would have to get in line behind me. I was feeling the need to bust Senior's hip. I don't think that makes me a bad person given what a fucking douche the old fella is.

"You're mistaken girl, Raife would be as furious and revolted as I am about the stunt you've just pulled! Do you have any idea what kind of effort it's going to take to get this scandal cleaned up? I'm going to be doing so much damage control to try and make the fucking world think you're straight again! This is a PR nightmare!" Senior yelled, making spit fly out of his mouth, thankfully none hit Ashley because that would be nasty!

"You are not making this one go away Ethan. I am _gay_ and I am in love with Spencer Carlin, I won't let you make me hide it any more like it's something I should be ashamed of. It was a huge mistake to let you talk me into hiding my sexuality to start with and then when those photos surfaced I should have just come out then, it would have been the honest and well smart thing to do! Instead I listened to people who didn't have _my _best interest at heart, because if you had then you would have supported me to be myself. So instead of being true to myself and the woman I love, I broke her heart and in the process broke mine!" Ashley yelled back, her whole body trembling with rage.

I'll admit it was kind of a turn on. Is that wrong?

"Well then you are in breach of your contract with Marks Records and we'll sue you!" He shouted, pointing violently at her to emphasise his point. If he laid one finger on her I was going to tackle him.

Ashley laughed and shook her head, "Ah no actually I'm not. The contract stipulated that I had to keep my sexuality hidden until the album was released, it's been out for a while now so I can do whatever the fuck I want. And you know what else? Even if that wasn't the case I've still hidden for long enough and I am sick of it. I love music and I want a career in music but not at the expense of the woman I love or at the expense of who I am."

"Love? People like you and your perverted father are not capable of that emotion! All people like you can feel is lust while you live your depraved, degenerate lifestyles..." Mr. Marks would have continued I'm sure if Ethan junior hadn't chosen that moment to land a satisfying punch to his father's hateful face. I think in that moment I forgave Ethan Junior for everything. He'd made mistakes, but he was taking steps to make amends and that was admirable. It took balls to admit when you were wrong.

Mr. Marks staggered backward clutching his busted cheek and glared daggers at his only son, "What the hell was that Ethan! How dare you! This is all your fault, if you had just controlled your artist this wouldn't be happening!"

Ethan laughed sarcastically and sneered, "Fuck you old man, fuck you. I made a mistake in helping you make Ashley hide who she is, even from a purely business perspective it was a cock up. Her popularity only increased after the rumour of her relationship with Spencer hit the media. Most people, particularly our target audience, don't give a shit if an artist is gay or straight, as long as the music is good. Hell many of the kids out there would benefit from having an out and proud role model. We fucked up Dad and now we have an opportunity to make it right and support her. It's time to do the right thing."

"Support her? Are you high Ethan! I cannot support this perversion. It is bad enough I let you talk me into signing that little lesbian, Milly or whatever her name is. We both know the only reason you got away with that one was because you had the contract signed before I even knew about her perversions!" I had to clench my teeth and fight the urge to go and smack the crap out of him after that one. "But I will not let Ashley tarnish the name of this label any further!"

Ashley sneered at him, "Well we wouldn't want that now would we? So I'll make it really easy for you, I'll leave and find a new label. I own all my music, all my songs. I'm a lot smarter than you have ever given me credit for. I own my songs and can walk away tomorrow taking them all with me. You only have control of distribution."

Ethan Senior actually looked stunned. I wanted to start clapping and cheering for my girl, I was so proud of her. Ethan junior just smirked smugly at his father.

"I suppose this is a great time to tell you that I am quitting Dad. Also, you'll find that our newest artist, _Tilly_ has the same contract as Ashley so don't be surprised if she walks too. Actually all the artists I produce have the same type of contract so they can walk, taking their songs without you being able to say boo about it. I always knew deep down this day would come and it is with great pleasure that I tell you, go fuck yourself Dad!" Ethan said with the same smug smirk on his face.

He squeezed Ashley's shoulder and flashed her a warm smile, which she returned, before striding off and pulling out his cell phone. I bet you anything he was off to call his artists.

Ashley smirked coldly and stared up at the stunned old man, "I guess you lose Mr. Marks."

He glared at her hatefully before storming off in the opposite direction to the one his son took. He was mumbling under his breath and I would takes bets on the fact that if I could actually hear his words they would make me need to kick every square inch of his ass.

Ashley watched him go with a satisfied little smile on her face. She shook her head and chuckled a little in wonder. I stepped silently out from behind the curtain and waited for her to see me.

Ashley turned a little and then did a double take when she caught sight of me in her peripheral vision. She froze, her mouth falling open comically. The only movement was her eyes as they swept over my body before locking with mine.

I tilted my head and smiled tenderly and proudly at her. I walked slowly forward and noticed her body starting to tremble as I neared. I kept my eyes on hers, telling her with my expression that I had heard every word she'd said. I stopped close to her and I reached up to gently closed her gaping mouth with a finger under her chin.

I moved my hand from under her chin so that it was cupping her cheek. I felt her lean into my touch, her watery brown eyes locked on mine. I brushed my thumb across her cheek, soothing away the tears that had started trickling from her eyes.

"Are you really here?" She whispered huskily, her eyes searching mine almost desperately for answers.

I just beamed and leaned in to kiss her lovingly on the lips. The kiss was chaste but still the most intense kiss we had shared to date. I circled my arms around her and held her still shaking body firmly against mine. She let out a little sob and clung to me as though she was afraid I would disappear. I wasn't going anywhere ever again.

I pulled back slightly and looked down at her with a soft smile, "I am so proud of you Ashley, what you did tonight was the most amazing thing I have ever seen," I had to pause there as I became overcome by tears.

It was now Ashley's turn to gently stroke the tears from my face with the pads of her thumbs. She was still crying herself as she held my gaze. Her tears were falling in silent rivers down her cheeks.

She went to speak but I cut her off as I murmured, "Every word you said up on that stage tonight meant more to me than I can ever fully express. At first I thought it was a dream, I couldn't quite believe that it was real, that you were saying those words not just to me but to the world."

She bit her lip and then murmured, "Spencer I love you and I am so sorry it took me so long to get here..."

I cut her off with a gentle finger against her lips, "Shh none of that matters now. All that matters is that you got here and that I love you too."

I lowered my lips to hers and kissed her hungrily. I had been deprived of her lips for far too long. Being without her was like the most inhumane form of torture imaginable. I tangled a hand in her curls and rested the other one on her waist. Ashley cupped my face in her palms as she deepened the kiss. I moaned softly and felt her smile against my lips. Our kiss was bittersweet, full of love and lingering sadness at what we had both been through, her lips were salty sweet from our tears.

We stood in a tight embrace for a long time, just holding each other and kissing occasionally. It had been an overwhelming night and what I needed more than anything right now was just to feel her close to me. I needed her body in my arms, her heart beating in time with mine.

I have to say there is no more comforting sound than the steady pounding of her heart against mine. It filled me with a warmth I have only ever experienced while being in her arms.

I lightly traced her lips with my thumb and smiled down at her. Ashley bit her lip and looked sadly up at me, "I wasted so much time being scared Spencer and now I know the only thing to be scared of is being without you."

"You just needed time to get here and that's ok. I feel the same, being without you is just not something I am interested in doing anymore. So this is where I tell you that I am letting go of the past and my own fears. This is the moment when _I _stop holding back. I love you and more than that I am _in_ love with you. Forever and always, you and me until the wheels fall off," I whispered against her full lips.

"Until the wheels fall off," she echoed breathily. I smiled down at her and traced her cheek bone with my thumb. I took in all her magnificent features. I was reacquainting myself with what I had been longing for. For the record my memory hadn't done her justice. Ashley Davies was and will forever be the most spectacular woman I have ever and will ever meet. Inside and out she is pure, unrivalled beauty.

She leaned in and kissed me softly before pulling back to grin a watery smile up at me, "Do you remember the first time we met?"

I chuckled and nodded, "Uh yes vividly, that was the moment I fell in love with you."

Ashley beamed and kissed me again, "Me too Baby, me too. But do you remember the first thing you ever said to me?" She prodded with a cheeky little grin.

I tilted my head to the side as I thought back. I grinned as it came to me. I reached up and tucked some of her silky mahogany brown hair behind her ear before saying softly, "'Um… uh…well it's a pleasure to meet you too Ashley,' I believe that is pretty much word for word what I said to you that morning. God I was such a stammering idiot!"

Ashley's smile grew wider and she chuckled, "No you weren't Spence, you were sweet and real and from that moment I haven't been able to get you off my mind." She paused to trace my lips with her thumb, smiling adoringly up at me as she continued, "Spencer, you had me at um Baby, and I never want to be without you again."

I sighed happily and leaned in to kiss her lips again. I guess my faith in her and in _us_ had finally paid off.

In the words of a very wise friend of mine, and please don't ever tell Eva I called her wise, faith isn't about proof or logic, it's about your heart. If your heart is telling you to believe in something then you have no choice but to listen.

My heart told me to have faith in Ashley Davies and I am so glad that I listened.

**The End**


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